Forty Deuce

So Basically, No One Wants To Be In Canada.

They have good music.  The people (generally) are pretty nice.  The food is...frightening but surprisingly tasty (lookin at you, poutine).  And they have a huge-ass tower with my initials.  Sure, they speak French or whatever, but hey, no country is perfect.

So how to explain all the players dropping like a mountie confronted with true actual crime?

Kim retired while up a set in her match against Zheng Jie, suffering from an ab tear.  Domi retired in the third set against Benesova, still suffering from the ab injury she sustained in Stanford.  Snot Rocket called it a day after two games against Bojangles with a right shoulder injury. 

Meanwhile, some of the players who actually were fit to play just weren't...fit to play.  Mono crashed out to Voskoboeva, Sveta rusted it up in losing to Halep, Pavs went on a snack break against MGMT, Wicky goes down to Vinci, and then there's a JJ thing that's not a surprise at all unless you are the type of person for whom a sunrise is a surprise.

The boys haven't been quite as ridiculous.  Then again most of their OOP got rained out today so it's just a matter of time.  In addition to Andy booking an early flight to Cincy, we can pile, Gilles, Nalby, and Misha to the set.  That's a whole lot of inconsistency on one plane. 

Oh, and what's up with Team Berdych/Mayer?  They bounced Rafa/Marc yesterday and Bhupati/Paes today.  Weirds.

But before we get all crazy, Serena is still doing her best to bring order to chaos.  She dropped a 60 63 on A-Bond in 46 minutes. 

Can we dispatch her to London?  Pretty sure she could chill them muthafuckas out.

(Pics: Getty)

Serena Was Amazing. There Are Only So Many Ways I Can Say That.

So here's what I wrote for the Wimbledon site.

(Pic: Getty)

Three Rounds and a Sound.

 

And that sound is KABOOM.

And so it is.  After each played rather touch-and-go second round matches, Serena and Masha find themselves clashing on what is sure to be a slightly chilly Friday night (dudes, I'm talking about TEMPERATURE) in Stanford.

On Wednesday night, Masha came out of the gates looking completely dominant against Dani, only to find herself losing eight straight games before Dani decided, "You know what?  I think would prefer not to try and win this match".  It was on of those "STRAIGHT YO SHIT OUT" matches, as Masha was forced to grit her teeth and simply out-compete Dani for the win.  But she did and so we find ourselves here now.

Serena followed up her jaw-dropping "HOLY SHIT SHE BACK HIDE YO KIDS HIDE YO WIFE" first round performance with one that kiiiiiiiinda reminded us that yes, she is amazing, but she can also go off the rails every once in a while. 

MaKiri (bless her) pushed Serena to three sets, surprisingly taking the second (6-3) with ease.  Serena would say afterwards that she felt physically sluggish after that first set, suffering from blisters due to a tightly wound tape job on her ankle.  But, much like Masha, she righted the ship and ended up playing a solid third set, serving well and not giving MaKiri a sniff at a break.

What to expect here?  Tough to say.  Serena holds a 6-2 record against Masha, and Mash hasn't won since 2004.  So I guess my brain gives the edge to Serena.  That said, my gut (which is presently full of thre beers) tells me that Masha is due.  So, as I am a slave to my belly (#fatkidtruths), I'm going to tip Masha. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.  Just kidding.  Serena's serve is just so much better.  So she gets the actual "If I had to bet my house" nod.  Sucks, but...oh well.  I need a house.

The Rumble in Stanfumble begins at 7pm PT on Friday.  Tune in.  Or better yet, buy yo tix.

(Pics: Forty Deuce)

 

Really? Bieber? REALLY? WTF?

Serena's post-match presser was a riot.  At least I thought it was.  I think it got to the point where Serena kept shooting me weird looks every time I started giggling.  I'm sorry, but the woman is both intentionaly and unintentionally funny. 

The black and white quotes don't do this presser justice.  I'll just acknowledge that right now.  I've been told that the Bank of the West Classic FB page will post some video, which is key because seriously, Serena's facial expressions were comedy enough.  But if the audio doesn't hit the Net soon (sorry guys, but I'm gonna give some lead time to the guys and gals who did all the heavy lifting at the presser), I'll try and get it up in a few days. 

Huge credit to Matt Cronin.  I know he's a polarizing figure in the tennis fan world, but he's the one who decided to go along with Serena's Mexican food obsession, which in turn relaxed her a bit and probably caused her to be more open than she was at the beginning. 

A few choice quotes:

On whether she thinks she can win the US Open:

"It's a long way to go.  It's about the climb.  It's not a matter of how fast you get there, it's just the getting there.  So we'll see."

On today's matc--oh look, a fly:

"I really didn't think I played great today.  I think I played good in the first set but you gotta play two sets to play a match, at least in women's tennis.  So...something smells really good in here, I'm so hungry.  Oh my God.  Where is that from, Chipotle or something?  God.  Jeez.  So mean.  Yeah, D at best.  I definitely didn't do well."

Q: So are you a Chipotle addict?

A: No, actually, no I'm not.  In LA they always have the hole-in-the-wall little Mexican restaurants, which are the best.  And then the taco trucks.  So I'm that kind of girl.

Q: You eat off the taco trucks?  That's a risk.

A: A risk I am willing and have taken.

Q: So what do you have?  Carne Asada?

A: No I always get either chicken or sometimes bean and cheese.  Cuz I don't eat meat. So I'll just do that. Sometimes I have shrimp. But not usually.

Q: You have shrimp off the truck?

A: Somtimes.  The one by the Staples center.  That's the better one. 

Q: Hot salsa?

A: Ooooooh yeah.  With the hot stuff?  Oh my God.  I live on it.  I live on that stuff.

On a reported quote that said she was so sick of being injured she'd even be willing to play IW:

I said I would consider playing Indian Wells?  I must have been high on medicine [laughter].  Or something just as nice.  No chance.  I must have been either misquoted or literally on meds.  I mean, Indian Wells is a great place, I guess, but just not for me.  That's so 2000 [laughter].  I'm not going back there.  It's 2011.

On her alleged differences with Masha:

I've never been against her or anyone else on this tour.  Just because I give 200% out there or just because I'm fighting and saying 'come on', I think sometimes the media want to make something out of nothing.  I'm always saying hi to everyone in the locker room.  I leave it on the court.  That's how I am.  So for me it's never been anything personal or non-personal.

She's a nice person, I think.  She's quiet, but hey, so am I sometimes, especially before a match.  Plus it was good to see a familiar face [at the ESPYs].  I was sitting so close to Justin Bieber and I wanted to meet him so bad.  I was too stupid and nervous to say anything.  And I saw Maria and I said 'Oh yay.' so I went 'Gosh I wish you could sit next to me then we could both gather enough...' -- I'm sure she wouldn't have been nervous but I was thinkin' 'man, that would have been a lot easier.'

On the Bieb being a bit young for her:

I mean, yes, I don't like him like that.  I'm a cougar but not that much [laughter].  Oh man.  Not that much of a 'coug'.

On playing Masha on Friday:

"When I'm playing anyone I'm going to go there and do the best that I can do, as well as she is.  She's gonna probably look at me as the ultimate enemy out there, as I will do the same with her.  And we're going to do the best that we can do each.  Like I said, it's nothing personal.  This is a job for me and I'm trying to get paid.  I've been off a year."

On who controls the relations between her and Venus:

"Hmmm.  I don't know because I wanted to have two stories on our house and she wanted one and we have one story.  And every time I wanted to change something, like I wanted to build a guest house outside, and she said no.  So we don'thave one outside.  So I'm starting to think she wears the pants in our relationship [laughs]."

On the 2004 Wimbledon final vs. Masha:

"Nothing comes as a shock to me.  You have nothing to lose.  I mean, I blew it.  It was a great match."

On what would be a satisfying result after Friday's QF:

"I mean, hello?  A loss? [laughs]  Yeah, I would be so happy.  Yeah a lot of people say [the important thing is to play well].  I lie when I say that.  Just to lie.  I don't know why.  I'm gonna stop lying now."

And as she said that, she got up and left without the presser officially ending.  You deserve to drop the mic on that one, Serena.  Hell of a show.

(Pic: Forty Deuce)

Serena > Mariah.

Please take a moment and watch this. Whatev.

Goodbye, Kitty.

A fantastically blurred out picture of Serena's Hello Kitty backpack, which she wore into press.  Did she see the Hello Kitty sticker on my laptop?  Yes.  Did she look at me?  Yes.  Did we totally bond over the fact that we both like Hello Kitty?  NO WE DID NOT.  You totally broke the HK Code, ReRe.  Even the Twin Stars are judging you.

Backpack or not, the lady gives good quote when she wants to:

"I've never been an overworker.  I've always been the kind of girl who'd practice two days and have a day off.  So I've actually tried to work harder, maybe practice more on a daily basis instead of taking so much time off.  I've been concerned, am I overdoing it, should I do more, am I doing to much?  But I don't think I am so far.  I deserve a break.  I didn't practice on the plane back, so that's about it."

And, perhaps in the weirdest moment of her presser, Serena uses the word "aplomb".  Oh, and she also talks up Masha.  Toss-up on which was weirder:

"I really like playing Maria and I really admire her because, being injured and never giving up and developing the confidence that she has.  Always just walking around and having so much aplomb, it’s good. I always admired that, its really cool."

"I loved her dress.  It was McQueen and she looked amazing and her shoes were dynamite.  I was like 'Oh my God I love those shoes.'  They were beautiful.  It was really cool.  I loved what she had on."

Oh, we're friend now?  Please remember that on Friday (if that happens not saying it will), Serena. 

(Pics: Forty Deuce)

Lean, Mean, and Green.

• 6 aces
• 100% first serve points won (17/17)
• 82% second serve return points won
• Faced no break points
• 83% service points won
• 71% total points won
• 6-0, 6-0
• 47 minutes

Before the excited Stanford patrons could even buy their nachos and get back into the stadium, Serena was done.  She's been hitting the ball impeccably in the few practice sessions I saw here, but to see her transfer that form from practice to match was just ridiculous.  Serena didn't just make Rodio look like a chump on her way to her first double bagel since 2007, she made herself look like, well, Serena.  Like, the one that, if you're a Serena fan, you love, and, if you're not a Serena fan, you hate in the way that I hate sharks because I know a shark can kill me dead. 

It was a performance that left me (and others, *cough* The Double Bagel *cough*) laughing out loud and shaking my head.  The winners were just ridiculous in both pace and placement, she was moving really well, and she didn't even give Rodio enough time to act like the raging bitch that she normally is.  Ok, that's not true.  On match point (or the point before?), Rodio made a huge-ass stink at Lynn for an alleged ringing cell phone that went off during a point.  Lynn, being a normal and sane person, stared at Rodio like she was crazy.  Which she is.  That's why we love Lynn.

This Serena?  This Serena was scary good.  Not just "Oh, that was pretty good for someone coming back from injury and is only playing her 7th match back" good.  This was "Oh, that was good and I'm scared as a Masha fan and can someone please hold me as I suckle at the teat of Grandma Jameson" good.

Before she gets a crack at Masha she'll have to go through Lil' Mash on Thursday.  Nice win for MaKiri over a completely shambolic Gools today.  Straighten your shit, Gools.  That was U-G-L-Y and you ain't got no alibi. 

(Pics: Forty Deuce)

 

 

SERENA IS HERE.

Pardon me if I'm a little shocked.  I don't know, I just kinda almost thought she might not make the trip after WTT and whatnot.  But I rolled up this morning around 10am and there she was on the Stanford courts huffing and puffing her way through a not-so-light hit.  Sasha made her work and work she did, chasing down balls deep in the alley and getting them back with interest as Papa Williams looked on.  She was looking pretty great from the baseline.  I'm scared.

She's up tomorrow night against Rodio. 

(Pic: Forty Deuce)

This Is a Thing Now. I Guess.

It takes a lot for me to care about World Team Tennis.  I genuinely don't understand it, I don't get the scoring system, I don't get why it's so noisy, I don't get how it makes any money, I don't get any of it.  In fact, I generally tend to ignore it completely regardless of the haps.  But I suppose Chucky and Serena sharing a laugh on court probably counts as a relevant hap.

People seem really excited about the prospect of her return to the tour, given that whole mixed-doubles thing.  Is it ok if I'm not excited?  Does it make me a bad fan?  Do I care?  I just...Chucky was a big reason I stopped watching tennis in the 90s so seeing her squinty face just brings back bad memories of when I kiiiiiiiiiiiiind of hated watching tennis.

So please pardon me if I generally ignore all this Hingis stuff until it actually becomes a thing that can no longer be ignored.  I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

Sighz.

Oh, Serena jumped over a net.  Didn't cry though.  So as per usual, you are wrong, Janko.

(Pic: AP)

Baby Got Back.

And front, actually.

CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT SERENA'S ASS FOR A SECOND.

First of all, I was at a bar watching the ESPYs on a tiny fuzzed out TV screen and totally recognized Serena from her backside.  I have witnesses.  It was pretty cool. 

Second, like whoa.  I bow down, girl.  There's a reason you were Kanye's muse.  Anyone who wants to talk about JLo having a lump can just STFU because Serena's is, like, out of this world POW.   Dial 1-900-MIX-A-LOT.  Look at that thing!  It would make an amazing beer pong table.  I want to rest my lukewarm, half-empty can of Coke Zero on it and watch it magically move backstage.  Some poor soul who works for IKEA rolled into work this morning with an urgent voicemail telling him to conduct scientific research on the structural integrity of that ass to determine how they can make shelves that don't disintegrate under the weight of the complete set of Christopher Pike novels.

What?  Yeah.  I read them.  Shut up.  It was the closest thing to porn when you're 12 years old.

Anyway.  All I'm saying is that ass is magnificent and Serena fucking rocked it last night.

Speaking of rocks, let's just say the WTA could change their slogan to "Bigger Is Better":

Hahaha.  Nice ring.  Did you get that from Claire's???

Oh.

(Pics: Reuters)

My Two Pence.

Yeah yeah yeah.  It's late and no one cares about the Wimby player party anymore.  BUT I HAVE THINGS TO SAY.  So here we go.

Not digging the hair, but the dress is colorful, young, and fun.  It kind of makes me want a strawberry daiquiri.  Or a Jamba Juice.  It is also just begging for a nip-slip.  No word on whether that happened but if it didn't I would very much like to know the name of the fashion-tape manufacturer.  I have a roof that needs to be reshingled to withstand gale force winds.

Sometimes people get scared of fashion.  Like, they find it to be this weird place with weird people with weird vocab who make things that look pretty fucking weird and yet the world jizzes itself upon their unveiling and it makes you feel dumb cuz you don't get it.  So people (like how I'm using anonymous "people" to make my argument? Stay with me.), being scared because they don't want to sound like a doof, basically excuse anything that looks nutty as "avant garde" which, apparently, automatically means it's amazing and good. 

I mean, it's bullshit is what I'm saying.

Fashion, like any creative art, is obviously very subjective.  But it's not *completely* subjective.  I don't fucking care that Bethanie is awesome or that this was designed by Gaga's designer.  THESE ARE NOT EXCUSES FOR CRAP.  I mean, first of all, LITERAL MUCH???  Oh, you came dressed like a tennis ball because you are a tennis player who hits tennis balls about to play at a tennis tournament and this party has lots of tennis people who are also going to hit tennis balls at this tennis tournament and everyone loves tennis and oh yeah tennis.  This is *literally* literal. 

Second, aside and apart from the concept, let's go to construction.  Did Alex Noble sit in his minimalist industrial loft in Hell's Kitchen with a can of tennis balls, an exacto knife, and a glue gun?  The skirt is fine and whatever, I guess, but that whole tennis ball bustier fringe action is horrible.  I can totally see Nina Garcia giving crazy stinkface as this goes down the judging runway.  Auf Wiedersehen!

Last, concept and construction down, it just looks bad.  People can talk about how they admire Bethanie for having the courage to wear it and that the courage itself should win the day.  But dudes, I think it's really courageous for someone to walk around naked in a public space.  Doesn't mean that I also don't think "Dude, have some self-respect.  Stop trying so hard to attract attention.  It's pathetic.  Put some clothes on."

Ok, so it's Caro, right?  So we totally know it could be worse.  The fact that Stella didn't tack on a ruffle or 3000 to this thing is a victory.  From this angle the dress looks nice.  I actually quite like it.  It drapes beautifully and I'm a sucker for that shit.  But from the front it looks completely wonk.  The waistline is all crooked and I can't tell if it's a Stella affectation or Woz is wearing it wrong.

As for the hair, look.  I'm struggling to be nice here, really.  But let's just say that Woz has a certain facial feature that is only highlighted when you put her hair up like that.  Let it down, let it loose, and I think she could have really rocked this look. 

Upshot:  Lots to like, lots to hate, and in the end the look fell short.  Sound familiar?

All Eyes On Eastbourne.

Here we go.

Eastbourne draw.  Be sure to put down any liquids.  Unless your'e Serena Williams.  Because she literally does not give a shit about the draw, I'm guessing.

But seriously, have you ever seen a more stacked draw?  I mean, even comparing it to Slams and whatever.  This is fucking ridiculous:

• First Rounders: Sam vs. Nads, Vika vs. Peng, Mono vs. Lucie, Jarka vs. Aga, Petko vs. Venus, Ana vs. Gools.
• Potential Second Rounders: Bepa vs. Serena (uh...Wimby Final?), Pavs vs. Sam, Aga vs. Frank, any combination of Petko/Venus vs. Ana/Gools, Nails vs. Dani.
• Potential Third Rounders: Sam/Pavs vs. Serena/Bepa, Vika vs. Mono, Petra vs. Frank, and any combination of Petko/Venus/Ana/Gools vs. Nails.

This is going to be insane and I'm so happy I'll be there on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.  Good thing I packed my scrubs.

(Pic: Getty)

 

 

Well It's Been Fun, Guys.

But the party's over.  Mama's back.

And she's looking...yeah:

I'm gonna miss these days of leaderless chaos.  Sniff.  Sniff.

(Pic: Serena's Twitter)

Serenus Take D.C.

Venus!  And Serena!  On or near a tennis court! 

There is a large subset of people who find this to be exciting.  Therefore, I am posting pictures.

I'm a little disappointed she's not rocking the pink.  Don't lie.  You are too.

"YOU like 311???  I LIKE 311!!!"

Aw.  Sisters.

"One day.  Maybe.  Hopefully."*

(Pics: Getty)

*For the record, I don't consider Venus and Serena withdrawal speculation as news.  Hell, I don't consider Venus and Serena withdrawals in fact as news at all.  All that is to say, if Serena and Venus confirm, in fact, that they will play a tournment, you'll see it on FD.  Until then, all the handwringing is pointless.

Can't You Just Tape Your Ankle Like A Normal Person?

Yup.  That's Serena.  Said Jill Smoller, Serena's agent:

“I’m not sure she’s going to be practicing every day right away; she’s going to go out every day as she feels it.  She’s still taking it day by day, taking it as it goes, and looking forward to coming back as soon as possible. She’s not putting any date on it, just hoping it all stays on the same path.”

I Like Her Hair. That's About It.

Look, Serena looks great and I'm glad that she's in the ad. But you'll have to pardon me if I'm a little (nay, a lot) uncomfortable with the best female tennis player in the world being asked to throw on some S&M gear and bounce around as sex noises play in the background in order to sell a fucking video game ABOUT TENNIS.  Sell Serena.  Don't sell sex.

I know this says more about the testosterone-driven gamer culture but it's just disappointing.  I'm not disappointed with Serena.  I'm just disappointed that the ad agency thought this was the best way to sell the game.  They're probably right, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.  She deserves more respect as a top-flight athlete. 

And Yet Charlie Sheen Is Still Kickin'. What Are You Trying To Tell Us, Universe?

Serena was hospitalized yesterday with a pulmonary embolism.  Doctors found a blood clot in her lung and treated it and she's home recuperating now.  Oracene says she's fine.

Here's the official statement:

“Serena did indeed suffer from a pulmonary embolism last week, and the hematoma was another unexpected scare. Thankfully everything was caught in time. With continued doctor visits to monitor her situation, she is recuperating at home under strict medical supervision.”

Says Serena, “Thank you everyone for all of your prayers, concerns, and support. This has been extremely hard, scary, and disappointing. I am doing better, I’m at home now and working with my doctors to keep everything under control. I know I will be ok, but am praying and hoping this will all be behind me soon. While I can’t make any promises now on my return, I hope to be back by early summer. That said, my main goal is to make sure I get there safely.”

Really scary stuff. NHLer Tomas Fleischmann was diagnosed with PE earlier in the year and he's been ruled out for the season.

Prayers and best wishes to a healthy recovery, ReRe.  Notice I didn't say a "quick and speedy" recovery.  Just a healthy one.  Take all the time that you need.  You're a human being first, a tennis player second, and Lord knows you could still win Slams when you're 35. 

So time ain't your enemy.  Whoever's holding the voodoo doll.  She's your enemy.

Yeah, I said it.

Pic This: One Less Accessory To Worry About.

Let's be real.  Serena looked HAWT at this pre-Oscar party.  And it looks like she didnt have to bedazzle a boot to match.

Oh, what's that?  Did you just silently ask me what my thoughts were on the Oscars?  You didn't?  Oh, well I don't believe you so I'm going to rant now: Kirk Douglas should have never been on that stage (HAWKWARD), you NEVER play Sorkin off the stage, Melissa Leo's speech was retahded, loved Ben the Baby Daddy helping Natalie up on stage, Colin's speech was so meta, Fincher was ROBBED, and holy shit, Trent Reznor is an Oscar winner.

And let's be real, Toy Story 3 was the best movie of the year.  But seeing as that couldn't win, I'm still bummed about Social Network.

(Pic: Getty) 

 

Serena. For. The. WIN.

See the awesome reactions by Caro and Lindsay, after the jump.

Pic This: Let's Check In On Serena and See What She's Up To...

Alrighty then.

Air Quotes: She Misses It? Fuck.

Shiiiiiiiiiiit.

Hold Your Breath, Miami...

“I hope to be out of the cast and back on court by the spring."

(Pic: Reuters)

Pic This: Did She Ride Her Bike There?

Serena, foot, bedazzled, blah blah blah.

I am seriously obsessed with that bike/trike/quad contraption. 

What is it and why is it photobombing Serena?

(Pic: New York Mag)

Don't Worry, You Guys. Green Day Updates Are Coming Back.

My favorite Serena tweet from the digital grave.  It literally blew my mind.

So somehow, rather impossibly, the much-mocked, much-maligned, much-"I don't wanna hate on charities but I'm going to make an excuse in this case", BuyLife campaign met their goal of $1M.  A rational person who might pay attention to things like, oh, math, might wonder, "How the heck did they get to $1M when they were barely at $200,000 on Friday?"

Let me play the all-knowing Sherlock to your pathetically adorable Watson.

A pharmaceutical executive who must literally spend all of his time bathing in $100 bills while monitoring his celebrity Twitter stream on his diamond-encrusted iPad, chipped in a measly $500,000.

Now, please allow me to illustrate the hilarity in case it is not already apparent:

A dude who makes his money on pharmaceuticals, donated a shitload of money to a charity whose goal is to fight AIDS, which means presumably, this money will be used to buy pharmaceuticals. 

COME ON.

BREAKING: Serena Pulls Out of Australia.

The title says it all. 

Oh, you want more "news"?  Um...she really likes Green Day.  She's been tweeting about them all night.  Oddly, Tennis Australia announced her withdrawal 9 minutes after her last Green Day tweet.

Of course, me being the idiot, my immediate thought was "Shit!  Who's going to be the top seed???"

Sorry for the dis, Caro.

It's Official. You're Avoiding Me.

 

Was it something I said?

Here's a funny stat.  I have attended eight WTA tournaments over the past three years.  Serena's been at one of them (Stanford, 2009). 

Now, only a week after I announce my 2011 schedule, she pulls out of Hopman Cup and is looking even more questionable for the Australian Open.

No word on who will replace her but a formal announcement will be made tomorrow.  But from a selfish perspective I'll just say that Andy and Laura's group has gotten a tick easier, no?

(Photo: Life.com)

Pic This: So Who's Got Odds?

It is November 17th.

Interesting Information I Did Not Collect Myself.

Some cool (or not cool, depending on your fandom) facts and figures out of Doha:

• A win over Kim today would secure Bepa the #2 ranking, otherwise it's still up for grabs with Kim.
• Sam will finish at #6, but with every win she'll jump one spot.  The ladies she could leapfrog?  Venus (#5) and Serena (#4).  That's right, if Sam wins the whole thing she would finish at #4 ahead of Serena.  How's that for a mindfuck?  Then again, at least she actually beat Serena this year, at a Slam no less.  But if you want Serena to be in the Top 4 going into AO11, you should probably root against my girl.  Or you could root for your girl to play more than six tournaments in a year, but hey, what do I know.
• Fran is projected to finish at #7, with JJ, Lena, and Vika rounding out the top 10.  Today's results will determine whether JJ and Lena finish 8 and 9, or vice versa.
• We'll have two 30 year olds in the Top 10.  Get it, geezers.
• Lena will finish in the Top 10 for the 7th time in 8 years.  The female Kolya, indeed.
• Kim is 16-1 since Wimbledon.  That one loss?  A three-setter to Bepa in Montreal.  Intrigue!
• Caro and Bepa are the only two players to reach at least 6 finals this year.  Caro preeeeeetty much won all hers and Bepa preeeeeetty much lost all hers.  So...#1 and #2, disrespectfully.
• After a solid first half of the year (IW and SF of RG), JJ has lost 10 of her 16 matches since Wimbledon, including 4 losses to players ranked outside the Top 90 – No.129.  From the first half of the season to the second half her glitter usage dropped by 72%.  Yes, I made that up but it sounds 100% true.

Wasn't that fun?

2 Hard, 2 Soon, 2 Play.

Serena's out for the year.  Shocker!Not!

So what are the odds that she plays Hopman?  I'm starting a Trice For Hopman campaign.

Hop Scot-ch.

Group A:

Group B:

I know I've already ranted about this on Twitter but I really do wish the seedings for the US and Serbia were swapped so that the US got Belgium in Group A and Serbia got Great Britain in Group B.  That would have given us a guaranteed Serena vs. Justine match, which I would actually pay to watch, and Ana vs. Robbie, which would have been fun for no one but me.  As it were, the seeding committee, through some "interesting" rationale, put Serbia first, then the US, GB, and Belgium.

And while I'm getting my complain on, I'm still bummed that Sam's playing Brisbane instead.  And that it's not Shveddy and Evgeny.  Or Gael and Aravane.  Or Jo.  Or even The Cone! 

Oh, Cone.  I miss you.  Team France really could have done better here.

Overall, those are pretty balaned groups, I'd say.  In terms of AO preparation, Andy's got a solid slate of matches lined up with Halpert and Gael, whereas Nole should cruise through his group play.  The ladies draw sets up some interesting matches, with Ana vs. Justine, Serena vs. Fran, and Robbie's first bite of the big apple vs. Serena. 

Mixed doubles is always the wildcard and more often than not, the decider.  And really, can you bet against these two geniuses?

ANYWAY, is it January yet?

 

 

Not Really. Right Now I'm Looking At Your Foot.

Serena's pulled out of Linz and Moscow, and likely the YECs and Fed Cup due to reaggravating her foot in practice.  Per a statement, her season is likely done.

Despite all the confirmations that she was going to be in Linz and Moscow, which made sense considering she was practicing and really, why the hell would she be practicing if she had no intention to play for the rest of the year, the withdrawals and season shut-down can't be too surprising.  But the news does have a pretty interesting effect on things. 

Serena could drop as low as #5 for the year, possibly more depending on what happens in Doha (hell, Bepa could end up #1 if things fall the right way).  If that were to hold up through the Aussie warm-up tourneys, that means she wouldn't be one of the four top seeds in Melbourne.  Nutty.

In addition, her withdrawal gave a wildcard to Ana for Linz, which gives her another opportunity to collect some points to get he ranking up.  She'll be #29 going into the tournament, I believe, and who knows.  If she has a strong end of the season and a solid pre-AO, she could be a top 16 seed at the Open.  Ok, I'm totally making that up.  I haven't sat down with my trusty abacus or anything.  But the goal, I would guess, is to be seeded (top 32) for Melbourne.  Keep on climbing, you fat elephant.

Finally, Serena' withdrawal from Doha opens up one more spot.  It looks to be a battle between Vika, Nails, an Shahar for that last spot.

Fuck The Wine, Get Her A Flak Jacket.

I hope that flag doubles as a shield, kiddo.

She did it.  She beat Petra and will be numero uno with an aster--I mean, bullet, come Monday.  The hatin' has already started via the Twitter and I won't completely rehash my thoughts on it.  She's 20 years old, busted her ass off all year, and got the #1 ranking.  How about we give her a pat on the back before we collectively punch her in the kidney? 

Playing a counterpunching style she's completely *overachieved* so far in her career.  And at 20 years old she's only getting better and has plenty of time to pick up that Slam.  There's no reason to think that she won't eventually get one.  But somehow she gets flak because she achieved one goal before the other?  I guess I missed that day in WTA school where they said that you are absolutely 100% never allowed to achieve the #1 ranking before you get a Slam. 

I hate that the players get blamed for this, as though they somehow cheated the system to get the ranking.  I don't think Caro should be blamed, I don't think Serena should be blamed.  But if you're going to rag on one you better rag on the other because they both contributed to this situation.  Caro consistently failed to get herself into a position to play the big matches and Serena for choosing to only play 6 tourneys (three of which were Slams) up through Wimbledon.  And if you're going to call the WTA a joke and the ranking system a sham, well you better offer up a better system that would actually work. 

But until then this is the system we have, no one, as far as I can tell, has a better solution, the players played knowing the rules and the consequences of their decisions, and it all shook out thusly.  Who exactly is the bad guy in this?

Here's hoping that Caro is better equipped mentally to deal with the questions and constant undermining of her achievements by press an fans.

Then again, this whole #1 thing could be short-lived.  Serena's confirmed for Linz, which means she's likely playing the YEC.  So at ease, gentlemen.  Serena might just swoop in and RoboCop this motherfucker. 

And then everything would be right in the world.  Or something.

Serenka Williamsova, Reporting For Duty.

Huh.

Pic This: "Silly Caucasian girl likes to play with Samurai swords."

Did JJ not get the memo?  Serena's not playing Tokyo.

Burberry Moose. Swoon.

Andy and Serena were in London to attend the Burberry show.  Poor L-Rob was in Japan struggling to stream the thing.  I honestly had no idea you could stream fashion shows.

You're cute.  I don't care what anyone says.  Even though I totally know Kim dressed you.  Because I refuse to believe that your brain could concoct that much casual awesomeness.

The sneaks, the scarf, the coat, the fact that you love Burberry.

I LOVE BURBERRY, TOO, ANDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Call me!

(Pics from Daylife)

The New York Times Magazine: The Gift That Keeps On Giving.

Nice behind the scenes video on the photoshoot.

I Love You, New York Times Magazine.

In addition to the article and the videos, NYTM also put together a slideshow of awesome pics from their WTA power shoot.  I said it before and I'll say it again.  This is how you show women athletes as physical, strong, muscular, and beautiful without simply objectifying them as sex objects.  Really great stuff.

Mia Michaels, WHAT Did You To My Sam?

I absolutely love it when tennis hits the Big Apple because you get all this crazy coverage from the U.S. media outlets, and sometimes, just sometimes, they'll surprise you.  Like in this video collection from the NYT, which features Kim, Serena, Elena, JJ, Sam, Vika, and Bepa. 

First of all, that's a great collection of players.  They didn't just go the easy route, there and get Mels, Maria, Venus, etc.  Second, everyone looks great and really, it doesn't feel like they're objectifying the players.  The movement is really beautiful.  Third, a tube top?  Really? 

Really?

Let Chaos Reign.

It's official.  On the injured heels of Serena's announcement that she's not going to play the Open due to her foot injury, DelPo has made it official:  There will be no defense of the title.

Disappointing but not shocking news.  I actually find Serena's announcement more nuclear than DelPo's sparkler firecracker.   But at least it's official and we can all move on grieving the best way we know how.  Mine involves hard liquor and cookies.  

With Serena's withdrawal, Caro will be the top seed in New York.  Hee!  With DelPo's non-defense, he'll drop out of the top 30.  Boo!

Serena, Nails, Other Stuff.

Honestly?  I couldn't get past the first couple of paragraphs.  But it seemed like something people might be interested in.  So here you go.  Have fun with that.

Pic This: Oh Hai, Common.

From the WTA SuperFans page.

Ok, you guys. That's a big muthaeffin walking cast.  Seriously, I'm so confused.

This Is Just An Excuse For Me To Mention Mia Hamm.

According to a poll, five of the USA's top 10 favorite female athletes is a tennis player.  Man, Americans still really love Anna K?  And I call BS on Danica Patrick.  I have never heard ANYONE say they liked her.

But yay Mia! Before there was Sam Stosur, or my dog Chase, there was Mia Hamm, the most reluctant sports superstar ever.

Oh, and thanks YouTube.  I haven't seen this in, well, 11 years. 

One of my favorite sports marketing commercials of all time.

May I Recommend Some Tinactin?

Following up on news that Serena's foot injury will require her to miss all of the lead up tournaments to the USO, now comes news that she's possibly, maybe, there's a chance, who knows, questionable for the USO itself.  She had her foot surgery this week and is recovering.

It's still unclear why the injury was so extensive that she needed surgery, and why she's now projecting the surgery could keep her out of a tournament that is two months away.  She cut her foot on some broken glass after Wimbledon and played with the foot injury at that exo in Belgium.  According to her WTT team, she had a cut on her foot and needed stitches.  So did she get the stitches before Belgium?  Is she just getting them now?  I'm so confused.  I'm sure she's hurt and she'll need to stay off that foot for a bit, but "stitches" ain't "surgery".

Personally, I'll believe Serena's out of the USO when she fails to show up for her first round match and the umpire calls a forfeit.  Until then, I'm not buying the crazy she's selling.

This Is Why You Should Never DDR In Heels.

Serena's out of competition until (conveniently) the US Open because she has to have surgery on the foot that she cut when she stepped on a piece of glass at a restaurant.  No further details on what exactly the surgery is for. 

So...sorry, Istanbul, Cincy, and Montreal.  Especially you, Istanbul.  We know she loved you the most.

It Must Be Love...Again.

New USO Series commercials are out.  Well..."new" is kind of overstating it.  But even though they look and sound the exact same as last year's series, there are some gems.  Here they are, in order of C Note entertainment value:

Uh...that's pretty much it. The rest are pretty much boresville.  They really need to just edit a 30 second clip of Bepa going ballistic and call it a day.

Let Me Blow Your Mind.

Serena was able to shake off her "cut foot" to throw what was clearly, the best party ever (it was a pre-ESPY party).

See why, after the jump.

Air Quotes: Your Ghostwriter Has Writer's Block?

Q. How is the writing going?

SERENA WILLIAMS: I think I have writer's block again. I don't think I can be a good writer because I keep writer's block about 360 days out of the year.

How Bazaar.

Harper's Bazaar's gamble paid off and Serena will be gracing their cover.  Some great words about body image issues but can't she just own up to the US Open outburst?  No matter what you thought of the call, just admit that you were totally out of line, girl.  And I don't mean admit it once and move on.  Own up to it.  Every damn time.

Then again, what can you expect from a woman who asked Justine for fashion advice.  I mean, really.

Pic This: More Wimby Ball Cuteness

 

"Roger who?"

Damn, girl, at least use some makeup or something.

Sigh.  What if it were Andy?  Sigh.

Who let Panic! At The Disco in?

I mean, could *anyone* wipe that grin off his face?  Methinks not.

Slightly less goofy.  Slightly.

Pic This: "Where Da Party At? Girls On Their Way, Where Dat Bacardi At?"

 

Best martini shaker, evah!

 

A chip and dip plate fit for a queen.

Cute.

I have joke-lock.  Too cute.