Hey remember those FD Podcasts? Those were really fun and I genuinely miss them if for no other reason than having an excuse to talk to Lexi, Christina, Victoria, and Brodie on a weekly basis and drop F-bombs and play Marry, Boff, Kill and all that fun stuff.
So yes, I miss them. I understand other people miss them too. Maybe one day we'll get the band back together but the fact is most of us have kind of moved on with our lives and are either dodging shrapnel in undisclosed locations or work in tennis now and those conversations are probably not all that appropriate in a publicly disseminated podcast. Don't get me wrong, the conversations still happen. I just don't record them anymore. It's just called "The Way The World Works."
But my good friend Ben Rothenberg who writes for The New York Times and I do another podcast called "No Challenges Remaining" and we try to keep that same fun and off-the-cuff conversational vibe in a more structured format.
We have a new episode up, our 25th if you can believe it. You can listen to it here. I talk about how The Following scared the living shit out of me. So yeah, totally related to tennis all of it.
You can "like" our Facebook page to keep up to date with new episodes. Please do.
Has this unsolicited self-promotion made me horribly uncomfortable on the verge of tears and diarhea? Yes. I really haven't changed that much.
Good headline! Very very good headlining. That's just very very clever. I see what you did there. I'll take the three-item combo with extra Orange Chicken and a bottle of Arizona Green Tea with Ginseng, amiright?
But I have ten better ones.
VIKA WINS, BUT MELBOURNE LOVE LI LONG TIME
LI NA FALLS SHORT. BECAUSE SHE'S ASIAN.
POTSTICKER? I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER! AZARENKA WINS IN MELBOURNE
LI NA A SITTING PEKING DUCK AS AZARENKA ORDERS WON TON OF WHOOP-ASS
AZARENKA FINDS CHINK IN LI'S CHINKY ARMOR
AZARENKA: TO WONG FOO, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, NA
VIKA KUNG PAOS LI FOR SECOND AUSSIE TITLE
GUNG HAY FAT CHAMPION IN MELBOURNE
EGG FOO YOUNG GUN BEATS LI IN AUSSIE FINAL
NO WOK-ABOUT FOR VIKA, DEFENDS AUSSIE TITLE
Just kidding. These aren't better. They're just as fantastic and not problematic in any way. You're welcome!
I skipped the 30 hour flight to Australia this year for a bunch of reasons. I wanted to see if I could do it justice without being on site. I wanted save some cash so I could go to other tournaments. I just could not stomach the idea of paying $15 for a drink at a shitty bar. And I just can't possibly fathom eating one more spicy chili oil dumpling from Dumplings Plus.
Ok, that last one is a complete fucking lie I can't even believe I typed it out loud best dumplings on earf.
Introducing the Deucies, an award given for stuff I remember. Because even though a lot of crap happens in a Slam and you try to keep track of it all, only a few things really stand out. The Deucies are an award to recognize anything that left an impression on me. Consider it the cream rising to the top. Or the Number Twos that rise to the top of the toilet bowl. Whichever is more appetizing for you.
Most gripping Encyclopedia Brown case that even Encyclopedia Brown won't take: How much spare change is actually hidden in RedFoo's hair? I say 48 cents in pennies but I could be wrong.
Most improved ESPN2bie: Chris Evert. She still says things that make me stop what I'm doing and wonder why I'm watching the coverage on ESPN2 but mucho props to Evert for the amount of work she's put in to prepare for this Slam. She's quoting stats, head-to-head records, and her game-style descriptions have been much more nuanced compared to her first stint at the French Open last year, where she got stuck comparing the modern players to the players of her era, which never worked. Today I heard her say Kristen Flipkens is winning 80% of her first serve points. Kristen Flipkens! Chris Evert knew a random stat about Kristen Flipkens! Come on, let's ease up give her a clap.
Most awesome person named Kimiko Date Krumm: Kimiko Date Krumm. I have mangoes in my kitchen that look older than Kimiko-Tan. You are ridiculous, woman. You make me actually want to drink Kirin Free, a non-aloholic beer, almost exclusively in hopes of going out into my neighborhood and embarassing a bunch of 20-year olds. But that's not going to happen. The only non-alcoholic thing I drink is coffee. It's worked for me so far. #alwaysdehydratednothealthy
Best Daniel Day-Lewis impression: Jerzy Janowicz. Forget the fact that his first round match against Somdev Devvarman could have been mistaken for a lost episode of Queer Eye for the Polish Straight Guy -- sunglasses on, sunglasses off, hat on, hat off, sunglasses? hat? auuuuuuuuuugh -- Jerzy's $2,500 tantrum was straight up DDL in TWBB.
Please to compare:
And:
Worst match that turned out the crazy dramz in a good way: Petra Kvitova vs. Laura Robson (2R). ZOMG this was not a good match, and bless Robbo for admitting as much right off the bat in her post-match presser. She may just be 18 but she knows the difference between the feelings people have when she hits the ball inside the court all the time vs. whe she hits the ball not intside the court all the time. That is a very big difference. It is the difference between a warm hug from a panda bear and a lawnmower to the face.
But as bad as this match was, with both ladies lawnmowering more often than panda-bearing, it actually turned out to be a compelling match in the third set mainly because it was fun to see whether Robson could hold her nerve and actually keep holding as she was serving from behind. Not gonna lie, I'm crazy surprised she did especially after she was broken serving for the match rather easily. Regardless of whether the tennis was pretty that was compelling enough. And you could tell how bad both women wanted this one and I'm still bummed for Kvitova because she probably needed this win more than Laura.
Worst match that turned out to be stupid dramz in the worst way possible: Gael Monfils vs. Gilles Simon (3R): WHYYYYYYYYY??? WHY DID THIS HAPPEN??? AND WHY COULDN'T I TURN IT OFF???
Ok, so this one was kind like the Petra-Robbo thing except completely not like it at all because at least with the women it looked like they were trying very hard and wanted to win badly. At no point in this infinite mess of a pushfest on Hisense Arena was I ever convinced either of these guys cared who won or lost. If Monfils actually wanted to win he would have destroyed the blistering array of 70mph puffery Simon was spinning into the court.
It's like they agreed to go out for a light hit and then found out they were locked in the stadium and an evil voice came over the PA system and told them they had to play a match for their freedom and then there was a dramatic pause and a sniper shot Simon in the knee and a thug took a baseball bat to Gael's head and then all their Gatorade was replaced by Coke cans and poor James Keothavong. Short straw, buddy.
Basically this match was terrible and if you think it wasn't then you are not to be trusted with life decisions or heavy machinery. By the time the Gael "Losing Ugly" Monfils fired a backhand wide to end the match, all i could think of was this:
Weirdest non-eventful run to the fourth round: Li Na. Nails hasn't dropped a set yet. Who are you?
Best "Bitch, please" stare: Venus Williams. She kinda always wins this award. This award should just be renamed the Venus Williams award. Must be nice to know you have a hit man, i.e. your kid sister, in your corner.
Most disappointing news ever: Ana and JJ ain't mad no more. Hey, if I can avoid maturity you can too. Go fistpump in her face again, Ana!
Worst noticer of epic irony: Victoria Azarenka. Considering everyone on tour seems to doubt her every time she cites an injury, it's hard not to laugh when she downplayed Jamie Hampton's TWO HERNIATED DISKS.
By the by, how do people feel about some of the suggestions that players who withdraw from tournaments shouldn't be allowed to play the next week? I can see the argument both ways. Just thought I'd throw it out there.
Best hat: Bernie Tomic. Can we all stop for a sec and appreciate the fact that Bernard *actually* goes by "Bernie". It's such a gift. Anyway, his hat was dumb.
Best name for an American teenager: Madison Keys. It's not a legit American sport unless a 17-year old girl named Madison plays it. Thanksfully we have a backup in Taylor Townsend.
Best cheer I have stored away for when Donna Vekic pulls off a super big upset at a Slam and becomes a legit thing as opposed to a thing only because the Brit press want to make her a thing and call her their own: "Donna Vekic graduates! Donna Vekic graduates! Donna Vekic graduates!" I am nothing if not derivative of 90s television. It's why you love me.
Best evidence for the non-existence of God: Brian Baker. Fucking cruel, man. He's Brian Baker, not Job.
Most awkward beatdown I've watched in a damn long time: Novak d. Harrisons (2R). If that one didn't reset expectations than people be willfully ignorant.
Most obnoxious fans: Aussies. Sorry, but you don't get the benefit of this "Aussies love their sport" trope if you're going to basically interrupt matches with stupid cheers and skits that have nothing to do with spurring on the players and everything to do with drawing attention to yourselves. Also I heard a rumor that all these crazy fans are actually paid to be crazy, which... gross.
That's all I got off the top of my head. Congrats on your Deucies, everyone!
February always seems like dead month, right? I mean, everyone's still trying to recover from the sleep deprivation of the Aussie Open, and the tournaments are in the Middle East, where we're forced to watch the best tennis players in the world play in front of near-empty stadiums.
BUT. There was actually a crazy amount of crazy that happened this past February. I KNOW! I FORGOT TOO!
Hey guys. Told you I didn't shut this sucker down. To be honest, between the travelling and Beyond The Baseline, I just haven't had a whole lot of extra time to sit down and write for FD. #humblebrag
BUT ANYWAY.
Since the year is winding down, now seems as good a time as any to jump back into the comfy confines of the Forty Deuce world and slowly get things going again. I do want to write more over here as the 2012 season kicks off.
And so here we go with the annual Forty Deuce Year In Review segment, where I get all pompous and link to things that I wrote over the past year. I get accused of being a narcissist a lot. Might as well own it.
So January. The month of my birth and the first month of my year-long trek around the globe to attend as many tournaments as I could. For those keeping tabs, I think I finished at 22 tournaments. So basically I tied Caroline. Sucks. I was really hoping to beat her.
For the first time in history, the WTA had ten different countries represented in the Top 10.
A roundup of the Aussie Open Pic This posts. My favorite posts. Here, here, and here.
In other words, GOOD JANUARY. Very happy with how that all played out. Australia treated me and my liver very very well. I'm already itching to get back there in 2012. My tummy is a rumblin' for some dumplings.
And if I made a fool, if I made a fool, if I made a fool On the road, there's always this And if I'm sewn into submission I can still come home to this
Man. The world is weird. And sometimes, it can surprise you.
I've been hired by SI.com as a contributing blogger.
This post has been, oddly, very difficult to write. I've started, stopped, and Ctrl-A + Deleted at least 10 times over the past week. A very big part of me didn't even want to write it. I feel...uncomfortable. But I obviously owe it all to you guys because you've been along on this journey for as long as I have.
You've put up with my narcissistic rants, my incessant tweeting that has effectively spammed your timelines, and my Facebook linking that doesn't even work for most of you. You've let me sleep on your couches, driven me back to my hotels/hostels, bought me meals and drinks, comped me tickets, credentialed me, all out of simple kindness. And of course, you've spent your time reading the things that I wrote, no matter how juvenile and self-indulgent (seriously, how many of you ever thought you'd read *that* many posts about Sam Stosur), and you told other people about things that I wrote, and they told other people, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
All of this has given me the freedom and the drive to do what I've done for the past three years. Most of you were around when I quit my job. That was pretty darn scary and traumatic. But you guys gave me the confidence to take the plunge, knowing (hoping?) that things would work out. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Y'all saved a very weary soul with your extraordinarily kind words.
And so the journey continues. SI.com will be relaunching/rebranding their tennis blog (currently called Open Source), with an eye towards bringing tennis to both mainstream and hardcore fans. I'll be the woman behind the bloggin' wheel with the goal of bringing my own take on this little crazy yellow ball sport to a wider audience, while staying true to my convictions as both a tennis fan, a writer, and, in some ways, an entertainer. I'm not gonna lie, I am very very excited for the opportunity and very thankful to SI.com for taking a chance on me. Lord knows I'll bust my butt to try and justify the risk. I'll let you know when the blog launches. Hopefully you'll still be keen to read my ramblings there.
To put any "sellout" fears to rest, please know that I thought long and hard about this move and I wouldn't have taken the job if I didn't get assurances that I would have the freedom that I need to cover the sport the way I'd like to. Sure, I'll be giving up some things, but they are things that I am willing to let go in exchange for an opportunity to get more people excited about tennis.
So the most common question I hear when I've broken the news to family and friends is "BUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO FORTY DEUCE?????" It's a great question. It's a question I ask myself. Here's what I know.
Forty Deuce will remain open for business. I'm not shutting it down.
Past that, I have no clue until everything starts rolling. I could still post here five times a day or I could post here once a week. Balancing both projects will be a work in progress. Who knows, I could drop an F-bomb the first day and get fired (JUST KIDDING BOSSES WHO ARE READING THIS), in which case I'd be back at FD crackin' blue jokes until the cows come home. Or I could find that I can get all my thoughts and opinions out at SI and thus find no reason to post on FD. Bear with me and I'll figure out a way to make this work.
But all that is beside the point. I guess all I really wanted to say in this post, and I've admittedly done a really clumsy job of doing it, is thank you. Really and truly. You have all been so good to me (am I tearing up right now? NO.) and no media outlet, let alone SI.com, would have given me a shot if it wasn't for all of you reading what I wrote. It's truly humbling.
Oh, and also? If you love the sport and you want to somehow get involved in it, do it. Start a blog, start a tumblr, dust off that camera and learn how to use Flickr, open a Twitter account, go get degrees that can serve as an entry point into getting into sports. Follow your passion, be good at what you do, and you just never know. Success is never guaranteed, but you work hard, show your commitment, and have the skills to back it up, who knows.
All I know is that I started this rinky dink blog three years ago and have since become really great friends with one of the first ever commentors on this site. Three years later, I've somehow landed a writing gig and she's a Director of Important Things (unofficial title) at a premier WTA tournament. Heck, Uncle Jamie won a writing contest to get his Tennis Channel gig and now he's writing books with Monica Seles. And our good boy Brodie was a loyal FD commenter and now he's on Getty Images getting papped taking notes next to Maria Sharapova. All I'm saying is, things can happen. The world is weird.
Alright. Group hug time. I love you guys. I hope you'll still be my friends.
I'm sure you have lots of questions. Feel free to let them rip in the comments and to the extent I can, I'll answer them.
So yeah. Basically, if you've ever won a Grand Slam and your name doesn't rhyme with "Movak" or "Terena", Canada wants absolutely nothing to do with you. They're all about equality and parity and shit, and basically they would like to treat their prize money like welfare. Um, that's fine? I guess? Not really.
It's almost (I'm being nice by using "almost" here) comical how ridiculous Toronto and Montreal have been this week. Andy Murray, being the amazing trendsetter that he is, kicked it off by losing rather pathetically on Monday, and he's been holding the door for everyone else since. Caroline, Kim, Vera, Petra, Frank, Masha, Rafa, Roger, Ana, JJ, Delpo, blah blah blah. All gone before you could say "poutine" (you should never say "poutine" because (a) it sounds dirty and (b) it is gross sorry).
Meanwhile, there have been lightbulbs falling from the sky, power outages that oddly, don't stop play but require Lynn Welch to scream and go horse (not cool!), Windows 95 failures (at least upgrade to XP, you guys), rain delays, crazy wind, and basically everything described in the book of Revelation except locusts. It's only a matter of time though. Locusts fucking love poutine. Look it up. It's science.
And so, tennis fans took to Twitter to vent their frustrations. We did it the only way we knew how: Laughing through the tears.
After the jump, my favorite #newrogerscupslogans. All credit to @linzsports, who kicked off the fun.
I was kinda kidding about the whole "NO ONE WANTS TO GO TO YOUR STUPID MOOSE TOURNAMENT, CANADA" thing, but now I'm starting to wonder.
Numero Uno crashed out in straight sets to Robert Vinci, somehow blowing a 5-1 lead in the second set to lose 64 75 in some, to be fair, pretty horrible conditions. The wind was swirling and Caro was clearly showing some rust, shanking the ball left and right and generally getting perturbed with the whole shebang. And so she blew a lead and lost to a player who was, prior to today, 0-17 against top five players. Said Roberta after the match: "This is the happiest day of my life." So, you know, it was kind of a big deal.
While Caro may have just failed to show up, Rafa's problem was that Ivan Dodig TOTALLY SHOWED UP and then some. Rafa, hampered by a cold, also showed signs of rust. But to completely tag Rafa with the loss would be horribly unfair to Dodig. The man played 110% red-line tennis for two sets. He took it to Rafa, serving big and getting to the net as much as possible, slicing and dicing volley winners left and right. That he was able to keep up that level over two sets was shocking, even more so because Rafa would get up a break twice in the third set, only to have the fearless Ivan storm back and seemingly break back out of nowhere. Every journeyman dreams of having one of these matches in him. Ivan Dodig chose today to find it. All credit to him.
Hmmm. I think I'm officially a little bit in love with Jelena Ristic.
And while we're on the subject (we're not really on the subject), what is up with the Serbs and their ability to rock the English language? It's so impressive.
They have good music. The people (generally) are pretty nice. The food is...frightening but surprisingly tasty (lookin at you, poutine). And they have a huge-ass tower with my initials. Sure, they speak French or whatever, but hey, no country is perfect.
So how to explain all the players dropping like a mountie confronted with true actual crime?
Kim retired while up a set in her match against Zheng Jie, suffering from an ab tear. Domi retired in the third set against Benesova, still suffering from the ab injury she sustained in Stanford. Snot Rocket called it a day after two games against Bojangles with a right shoulder injury.
Meanwhile, some of the players who actually were fit to play just weren't...fit to play. Mono crashed out to Voskoboeva, Sveta rusted it up in losing to Halep, Pavs went on a snack break against MGMT, Wicky goes down to Vinci, and then there's a JJ thing that's not a surprise at all unless you are the type of person for whom a sunrise is a surprise.
The boys haven't been quite as ridiculous. Then again most of their OOP got rained out today so it's just a matter of time. In addition to Andy booking an early flight to Cincy, we can pile, Gilles, Nalby, and Misha to the set. That's a whole lot of inconsistency on one plane.
Oh, and what's up with Team Berdych/Mayer? They bounced Rafa/Marc yesterday and Bhupati/Paes today. Weirds.
But before we get all crazy, Serena is still doing her best to bring order to chaos. She dropped a 60 63 on A-Bond in 46 minutes.
Can we dispatch her to London? Pretty sure she could chill them muthafuckas out.
My man played horribly and lost to an inspired Kevin Anderson (who I am told played really really well), like, 6 negative 4, 6 negative 4 (or 6-3, 6-1 if you use conventional scoring). Please allow me to recap the reaction around the interwebs:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHALOSER.
Andy Murray is no longer a part of the Big 4 because he sucks at tennis.
ZOMGSCOTTISH.
Here we go, another post-Slam slump of embarassing proportions.
BWAHAHAHAHABALDING.
Ok. Sure. Bad loss. He has bad losses. They are more frequent than one would expect from the World #4. But let me just recap Andy's Slam results in 2011:
AO Final, l. Djokovic
RG Semifinal, l. Nadal
Wimbledon Semifinal, l. Nadal.
So I'm not exactly going to buy into this "sucks at the tennis" thing, thankyouverymuch. I mean, his 2011 Slam results are actually better than Roger's. At least this year, when he will clearly shock everyone by either losing early or going deep in New York (seriously, that's actually an impressive feat -- to basically shock everyone regardless of what you do), no one will be able to say that he peaked too early.
So take that arrow out of your quivers, haters! If Andy crashes out it will be because he sucks, not because he peaked too early! HA HA!
I think it's pretty impossible to be from Canada and have bad taste in music. The indie stuff that's been brewing north of the border has been consistently top-notch for years now. It is the land that has given us Arcade Fire, Broken Social Scene, Metric, Feist, Stars, The Stills, New Pornographers, and of course, one Ms. Celine Dion (SHUT UP I LOVE HER WITH ZERO IRONY).
Since the boys and girls are in Canada for the week, I figured I'd hand over the wheel to Vancouver's own, and Canadian #1, Rebecca Marino. She's going to start doing her own 2ne Tuesday on Twitter so be sure to follow her at @rebecca_marino. Thanks for taking the time, dude!
Every time I see people act like complete and utter assholes to each other when it comes to tennis, my knee-jerk reaction is always "Dudes. Chill. It's just tennis. It's supposed to be fun. For all of us." It's always good to keep perspective when crap happens. Oh, someone said something mean about your favorite player? Calm the fuck down. It's fucking tennis, not a missile crisis.
And then you read depressing stories like this that serve as a reminder that there are people out there who are legitimately horrible people. My mind is boggling.
Elise Tamaela is a 27 year-old Dutch player on the ITF circuit. She was playing a challenger in Versmold when she was verbally and physically attacked by another player's (Karen Barbat (DEN)) father. She's now in the hospital and the dude has fled with his daughter, presumably trying to avoid the authorities.
Here's the account from Elise's brother:
As the brother of Elise I can confirm the story... Elise has been attacked by the father of Karen Barbat whule watching her game. He was calling her names from the start of the game (all kind of racist things I'm not willing to repeat). After a while Elise said something about it, he then knocked her out with a punch and elbows to here temple. She immediately lost consciousness for about five minutes... After a while she was taken to the police station to press charges, the father and daughter flee, police still looking for them. At the police station Elise started the vomit continiously, an ambulance was called to take here to the nearest hospital. She's still on a intravenous drip with painkillers and needs to stay in the hospital till at least tomorrow morning (having a concussion and a bruised face)...
My father and I drove to Halle (where Elise is in the hospital) and are now in a hotel, we hope we can take Elise back to The Netherlands tomorrow...
The father/trainer of Karen Barbat will probably never see a (professional) tennis court again, that man is a true risk to all people around him!
A lifetime ban is obviously the least of his worries (oh and way to fuck over your daughter's career, too). Hope the cops find him so Elise can properly press charges. More importantly, here's hoping Elise gets better.
So like, you're dating a girl, right? It's groovy. You're on Cloud 9. She's sweet and cute and you grew up loving The Muppet Show so her voice is, like, the Siren Song to your soul. She's really good at her sport, you're really good at your sport, and united you can rule the Kids Who Are Good At Their Sports world. You may or may not have broken up with your ex-girlfriend to be with her. So yeah, you're totally in it to win it. This ain't a fling. THIS IS FOREVER.
And then you meet her crazy family and the tires screech in your head. GOOD LORD WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO. On one hand, they're reaaaaaally nice and welcoming. They actually totally adore you and they're just so excited that you're in their lives now. It's like that dinner scene in Notting Hill, but without an ignorant Bernie.
So basically, you're getting bombarded with questions, her cousins are winking and nudging, her brothers are basically threatening to stuff a tennis ball down your fucking throat if you fuck this up, and meanwhile, everybody's asking you for...golf lessons? I don't know. I'm just saying shit got more complicated pretty damn quick.
So good luck if you're planning to accompany Caro to any tournaments in the U.S. this summer. I have no helpful advice for you. The reality is, yeah, our family is FUCKING NUTS and we are SHAMELESS.
See the entire conversation between Mardy, Caro, Rory, Vika, Dani, and Feli after the jump.
We've all been there. What started out as a perfectly pleasant afternoon of day-drinking and fun in the sun has suddenly taken a dodgy turn. Next thing you know, you've doing eight car bombs in the span of an hour and a half* and the bar that seemed to be kinda cool and retro at the start of the night, now feels claustrophobic, creepy, and it may or may not reek of piss and puke and be full of stripe-shirted I-banking douchebags that you want to punch in the face.
How did I get here? When did my life come to this? What is my best exit strategy?
So there's that 30-45 minute window where, you're kinda convinced you can buckle down and wait out the storm. For some that means finding a quiet corner and dozing off for a bit. For others, it means standing in front of a firepit, staring deeply into the flames for a good hour. Still some might just put on a happy face and just try and pretend they're not as fucked up as they are, chattering and dancing about as if they're fooling anyone but really just slurring, spilling, and falling down a lot.
But dudes. PSA time. It all ends the same. No matter how you try and ride that wave to safety, it will always crash ashore. If you don't catch it in time, you're going to be the laughing stock of your friends forever. You're going to be known as the guy who passed out on the red leather couch like a beached whale, unconsciously puking up over the sides as if an invisible ghost was pumping your stomach. Or maybe you realized it all just in time to have made your way to the bathroom, lock yourself into it, and proceed to projectile vomit for a good 45 minutes as the bouncer threatens your friends that he's going to call 911 because at this point, your non-responsiveness is threatening upon "medical emergency".* Either way, these moments of crisis are best experienced alone and not in front of an audience.
So way to get yourself off the court ASAP and not puke in front of thousands of people, let alone millions watching at home, Petko. Do you know how quickly that puke would have gone viral?
"I felt so embarrassed. The last two points I was like, Okay, what are you going to do? Is it more embarrassing running off the court like a maniac or throwing up on the court and being on SportsCenter for the next 25 years? I was like, Yeah, running off the court is better, so that's what I did."
Did you really go on Conan wearing tighty whitey pants? And did you really spend seven minutes humblebragging to the point that Caro was at home in Monaco knitting a sweater for Jesus out of unicorn hair thinking "Jesus, dude. That's a bit much." And most egregiously, did you seriously somehow make it so that your appearance on LENO was BETTER than your appearance on CONAN???
To accomplish all three took a remarkable effort*. It makes The Streak look like peanuts.
*To be fair (which I am ALWAYS) some blame goes to Conan and his team of writers. Really? You're going to ask him about his famousness for seven minutes without making sure he had some sort of self-deprecating story to go along with each question? Lazy, Cone Bones. LAZY.
Bruce Jenkins recaps the haps and quotage from Stanford. And lays down a zinger on Nigel: "First off, why would anyone hire a coach (Nigel Sears) whose previous job was coaching the top women in England? Or anyone in England?" Are we forgetting about Dani? I guess we are.
Kamakshi Tandon talks about the future of the American ladies. Given the fact that, in an informal poll I issued on Twitter, everyone seems to think the next generation of Brit girls will make the second week of a Slam before the Americans, we should probably be a wee bit concerned.
Non-Required Reading: "I wish I had a phone that, when you got a stupid message, you could just like, boomerang it out and it would go smack the person in the head? And then come back to you, laughing. And you’d high-five it." More Reading Between The Texts.
So Rafa has made good on his promise during Wimbledon to join the awesome heaven and hell that is THE TWITTERVERSE. Good news? Bad news? I genuinely don't know. Twitter has been a boon for fans, players, and organizations who choose to use it as a medium to show off their personalities. In some cases, if they have awesome personalities, it's the best thing in the world. In other cases, if they have crap personalities (or no personality) it's complete boresville. And in other cases (HOW MANY CASES ARE ON THIS DOCKET???) it's a complete waste because the Twitter accounts are completely corporate and agent run. Oh, you just posted 15 new pictures on your Facebook page, JJ? Thanks for the breaking news.
So basically I'm a little scared for Rafa. This is a 90% you lose, 10% you win situation. He's such a huge public figure with an established persona. His Twitter account already has a lot to live up to, whereas most of the players who have greatly benefitted from Twitter (Petko for example) were virtual unknowns when they started. They had the freedom to brand themselves as they saw fit. Not everyone can pull off a Novak Djokovic.
And so, as a public service to one Mr. Rafael Nadal, here is a list of tweeters to emulate, and a list of tweeters to...not.
Twitter Idols:
Dinara Safina (@Dinarik27) - With a few tweets, Dinara was able to shuck her unearned reputation of being a morose, unfun, stereotypical Russian (DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SMILE????), to show the world the "real Dinara". The one who live-tweets her baking adventures, regularly has dinner with her family, and knows how to operate her phone's camera with, as Serena would say, aplomb. TWITPICS ARE YOUR FRIEND, RAFA. That said, whatever you do, DO NOT JOIN FOURSQUARE. Bad idea pantalones.
Juan Monaco (@picomonaco) - Why should you emulate Pico? Because his tweets are just pure joy. He happily gets into Twitter convos with other players, he celebrates his favorite sports teams, and he just seems like a happy guy. I don't want to tune in and hear how emo you are all the time (*cough*Feli*cough). It bums me out. Twitter is happy times. Let's all be happy like Pico!
Novak Djokovic (@djokernole) - We can't all be Nole. Hell...right now I'm sure you kinda wish you could be like Nole, Rafa. Not only is his game off the chain right now, he's also got personality in spades, which clearly spills over into his tweeting. His tweets are irreverent, funny, and self-aware. Let's face it, given his stature, he's the best tennis tweeter in the game. It ain't easy to be entertaining when you're a top player. It would be so much easier to play it safe and keep it corporate. But Novak's the king. Much like his tennis game, don't let his Twitter game get into your head, Rafa.
Laura Robson (@laurarobson5) - Taking advice from a 17 year-old? A dicey proposition, I'm sure. But you could learn a lot from Robbo, Rafa. This is a kid who doesn't tweet a whole lot, but when she does they are well-crafted tweets, infused with personality and self-deprecating humor. You can do it, Rafa! I know you can!
Andy Roddick (@andyroddick) - Funny, snarky, and informative, A-Rod has no problem letting his opinions fly. Those opinions and the way he presents (usually in a funny way) give us insight into his personality. That's all we want, Rafa. Some insight into your personality. I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
Rebecca Marino (@rebecca_marino) - I don't know why exactly, but I kind of love Rebecca Marino's twitter. It's just so...normal. Like, oh yeah, you're a totally normal person who happens to travel the world playing tennis. It's refreshing in that way.
Twitter Jersey Shore:
Gael Monfils - Hey, Rafa? Please don't use your Twitter to tell the world you're going to sleep EVERY NIGHT. I love you but even I don't care about that information.
Jelena Jankovic - Here's a woman who CLEARLY has personality and completely locks it up on Twitter. SNOOOOOOOZER. Please don't let Benito run your account. Thanks.
Ivo Karlovic - Apparently some people like Ivo's Twitter. Judy Murray thinks he's HILARIOUS. I do not. His tweets are sexist, raunchy but not funny, and he pops off about topics he has no business popping off about. He basically comes off as an undersexed, ignorant, misoginist. No bueno.
Fernando Verdasco (deleted) - Twitter is not your own personal livejournal, Rafa. It is not a place to go to vent about shit thinking that no one will read it. It's public, it's out there, and if you act a fool and then delete your account, we're going to laugh at you. Just like we laughed at Sam Querrey.
John Isner - Lord help me if you start incessantly tweeting about WWE RAW, Rafa....
Caroline Wozniacki - Humblebragging. Look it up up. And then don't do it, Rafa. If I see a "Oh noes! I'm getting horribly sunburned on my stomach. I guess that's what happens when you sunbathe naked on a private beach in Mallorca with Beyonce, Jose Mourinho, and Ryan Gosling! #fml" tweet I will punch you in the knee.
So here's the basic upshot: Let your twitter show off *your* personality, Rafa. Don't *try* to be anything. Just be Rafa. If you're not funny, that's ok! You know what you are? YOU ARE ADORABLE AND NICE. So be adorable and nice. My guess is that your Twitter will be a cross between Sunshine Sabine's always happy and informative tweets (that include a lot of pics), and Andy Murray's semi-boring-but-they're-not-really boring-if-you-love-him tweets about sports. Or maybe you can shoot for a Mardy Fish-style (I know, it's weird for me to say that). But his Twitter has been great. Informative, classy, and occasionally funny.
But, like, no planking, dude. Also, don't "vamos" in every tweet. That would be the Caro equivalent of winking.
All I'm saying is vamos responsibly. Our eyes are on you.
The player curated Tuesday Tunes continues this week with Britain's own Laura Robson. The precocious 17-year old is back in action this week at the 100k ITF in Vancouver. That's her in the picture. You can tell by the nametag. #nerd
Or by the fact that her smile has. not. changed. at. all.
And so it is. After each played rather touch-and-go second round matches, Serena and Masha find themselves clashing on what is sure to be a slightly chilly Friday night (dudes, I'm talking about TEMPERATURE) in Stanford.
On Wednesday night, Masha came out of the gates looking completely dominant against Dani, only to find herself losing eight straight games before Dani decided, "You know what? I think would prefer not to try and win this match". It was on of those "STRAIGHT YO SHIT OUT" matches, as Masha was forced to grit her teeth and simply out-compete Dani for the win. But she did and so we find ourselves here now.
Serena followed up her jaw-dropping "HOLY SHIT SHE BACK HIDE YO KIDS HIDE YO WIFE" first round performance with one that kiiiiiiiinda reminded us that yes, she is amazing, but she can also go off the rails every once in a while.
MaKiri (bless her) pushed Serena to three sets, surprisingly taking the second (6-3) with ease. Serena would say afterwards that she felt physically sluggish after that first set, suffering from blisters due to a tightly wound tape job on her ankle. But, much like Masha, she righted the ship and ended up playing a solid third set, serving well and not giving MaKiri a sniff at a break.
What to expect here? Tough to say. Serena holds a 6-2 record against Masha, and Mash hasn't won since 2004. So I guess my brain gives the edge to Serena. That said, my gut (which is presently full of thre beers) tells me that Masha is due. So, as I am a slave to my belly (#fatkidtruths), I'm going to tip Masha.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Just kidding. Serena's serve is just so much better. So she gets the actual "If I had to bet my house" nod. Sucks, but...oh well. I need a house.
The Rumble in Stanfumble begins at 7pm PT on Friday. Tune in. Or better yet, buy yo tix.
Serena's post-match presser was a riot. At least I thought it was. I think it got to the point where Serena kept shooting me weird looks every time I started giggling. I'm sorry, but the woman is both intentionaly and unintentionally funny.
The black and white quotes don't do this presser justice. I'll just acknowledge that right now. I've been told that the Bank of the West Classic FB page will post some video, which is key because seriously, Serena's facial expressions were comedy enough. But if the audio doesn't hit the Net soon (sorry guys, but I'm gonna give some lead time to the guys and gals who did all the heavy lifting at the presser), I'll try and get it up in a few days.
Huge credit to Matt Cronin. I know he's a polarizing figure in the tennis fan world, but he's the one who decided to go along with Serena's Mexican food obsession, which in turn relaxed her a bit and probably caused her to be more open than she was at the beginning.
A few choice quotes:
On whether she thinks she can win the US Open:
"It's a long way to go. It's about the climb. It's not a matter of how fast you get there, it's just the getting there. So we'll see."
On today's matc--oh look, a fly:
"I really didn't think I played great today. I think I played good in the first set but you gotta play two sets to play a match, at least in women's tennis. So...something smells really good in here, I'm so hungry. Oh my God. Where is that from, Chipotle or something? God. Jeez. So mean. Yeah, D at best. I definitely didn't do well."
Q: So are you a Chipotle addict?
A: No, actually, no I'm not. In LA they always have the hole-in-the-wall little Mexican restaurants, which are the best. And then the taco trucks. So I'm that kind of girl.
Q: You eat off the taco trucks? That's a risk.
A: A risk I am willing and have taken.
Q: So what do you have? Carne Asada?
A: No I always get either chicken or sometimes bean and cheese. Cuz I don't eat meat. So I'll just do that. Sometimes I have shrimp. But not usually.
Q: You have shrimp off the truck?
A: Somtimes. The one by the Staples center. That's the better one.
Q: Hot salsa?
A: Ooooooh yeah. With the hot stuff? Oh my God. I live on it. I live on that stuff.
On a reported quote that said she was so sick of being injured she'd even be willing to play IW:
I said I would consider playing Indian Wells? I must have been high on medicine [laughter]. Or something just as nice. No chance. I must have been either misquoted or literally on meds. I mean, Indian Wells is a great place, I guess, but just not for me. That's so 2000 [laughter]. I'm not going back there. It's 2011.
On her alleged differences with Masha:
I've never been against her or anyone else on this tour. Just because I give 200% out there or just because I'm fighting and saying 'come on', I think sometimes the media want to make something out of nothing. I'm always saying hi to everyone in the locker room. I leave it on the court. That's how I am. So for me it's never been anything personal or non-personal.
She's a nice person, I think. She's quiet, but hey, so am I sometimes, especially before a match. Plus it was good to see a familiar face [at the ESPYs]. I was sitting so close to Justin Bieber and I wanted to meet him so bad. I was too stupid and nervous to say anything. And I saw Maria and I said 'Oh yay.' so I went 'Gosh I wish you could sit next to me then we could both gather enough...' -- I'm sure she wouldn't have been nervous but I was thinkin' 'man, that would have been a lot easier.'
On the Bieb being a bit young for her:
I mean, yes, I don't like him like that. I'm a cougar but not that much [laughter]. Oh man. Not that much of a 'coug'.
On playing Masha on Friday:
"When I'm playing anyone I'm going to go there and do the best that I can do, as well as she is. She's gonna probably look at me as the ultimate enemy out there, as I will do the same with her. And we're going to do the best that we can do each. Like I said, it's nothing personal. This is a job for me and I'm trying to get paid. I've been off a year."
On who controls the relations between her and Venus:
"Hmmm. I don't know because I wanted to have two stories on our house and she wanted one and we have one story. And every time I wanted to change something, like I wanted to build a guest house outside, and she said no. So we don'thave one outside. So I'm starting to think she wears the pants in our relationship [laughs]."
On the 2004 Wimbledon final vs. Masha:
"Nothing comes as a shock to me. You have nothing to lose. I mean, I blew it. It was a great match."
On what would be a satisfying result after Friday's QF:
"I mean, hello? A loss? [laughs] Yeah, I would be so happy. Yeah a lot of people say [the important thing is to play well]. I lie when I say that. Just to lie. I don't know why. I'm gonna stop lying now."
And as she said that, she got up and left without the presser officially ending. You deserve to drop the mic on that one, Serena. Hell of a show.
Ok. There's "Required Reading" and then there's ZOMG REQUIRED READING. Uncle Jamie's backseat interview with one Ernests "Mr." Gulbis is an absolute must-read. I won't bother quoting anything because there's just too much.
Just kidding. My fave bits:
"If you meet a girl, I’m not ready to go in relationship with her straight away, so it’s like, what is in my mind? For every normal guy, in your mind is to get the girl in bed. As soon as possible. It all takes energy. In a tournament I don’t do that."
GENTLEMAN.
"What do people do when they go out? They get drunk. To go out and not drink, I don’t understand it. If you go to a nightclub, what is to enjoy there? Nothing. The music is too loud, everybody’s sweating, everybody’s dancing, it’s dark, everybody’s pushing, everybody’s drunk. And if you’re the only guy sober in the nightclub, you don’t enjoy it at all. If you’re into the groove, you know, you have a couple drinks, you’re on the same level as the club, you can sometimes get something positive out of it. But it’s not what I like. I prefer to stay in my friends’ company, invite girls over, we have drinks in a normal quiet environment.
Also when you’re in a tournament you can’t drink. It’s just stupid. I believe tennis players shouldn’t drink at all. If I start drinking I’m going to drink until the morning. I can’t go to a nightclub and drink four beers and I’m good. If I go out, I go full night out. I have nothing to do the next day, I can sleep, then afterwards I go for a run or something like that. But if you’re in a practice week or in the middle of a tournament there is no chance I’m going to go out."
RESPONSIBLE.
"I like pure vodka. Shots, with some nice food. Also one very good drink which I like, you drink a shot of vodka and then you drink milk. The milk is very good for your stomach. After vodka it calms you down. You don’t get the burning feeling. Try it.
Vodka is dangerous. You really need to control yourself not to get a blackout. If you want to go easy, beer. I enjoy beer, but not this piss kind of beer you have in America."
Young Canuck, Genie Bouchard, nails her interview with the always hard-nosed The Daily Forehand. Please forgive her musical taste. The youth know not what they do.
Video from Elena's wedding, including Vera Dushevina literally shoving MaKiri out of the way for that bouquet.
Nice one-on-one with Vika. She talks regretting her prickly relationship with the media but vows, "‘Screw that,’ I am who I am." Let's hope she continues to strike a balance. Or not. It's way more fun to poke when she's being a bitca.
I promise I didn't read this before I wrote that stuff about Ana last night. That said, YOU GONNA GET SOME LUVS TONIGHT, BOY.
Can't remember if I linked to this last month, but here's a critique of the Strong is Beautiful campaign. Notable points on both sides, but I fall into the pro-campaign camp. Hopefully one day we won't have to market women's sports like this. But for now, this is a pretty good compromise.
Non-Required Reading: If you haven't read Bossypants, you should. It's worth it for the Poehler story alone. A lesson for all. And this line is particularly salient for tennis fans: "It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don't like something, it is empirically not good." BOOM.
I truly don't understand this doubles pairing, but if it means that we get one more day from Gools so be it. That is how shameless I am.
After hitting every ball that came to her racquet either into the net or out of bounds (NOT. OVER. IT), Gools finished up her day by teaming up with BZS to take out Ula and Olga Savchuk, 60 62. So basically, if you had a night session ticket last night, I hope you were able to book additional plans for your Tuesday evening. Cuz it was a short one.
Speaking of short ones, LOOK! BZS has smiles! It's the power of the Gools.
A fantastically blurred out picture of Serena's Hello Kitty backpack, which she wore into press. Did she see the Hello Kitty sticker on my laptop? Yes. Did she look at me? Yes. Did we totally bond over the fact that we both like Hello Kitty? NO WE DID NOT. You totally broke the HK Code, ReRe. Even the Twin Stars are judging you.
Backpack or not, the lady gives good quote when she wants to:
"I've never been an overworker. I've always been the kind of girl who'd practice two days and have a day off. So I've actually tried to work harder, maybe practice more on a daily basis instead of taking so much time off. I've been concerned, am I overdoing it, should I do more, am I doing to much? But I don't think I am so far. I deserve a break. I didn't practice on the plane back, so that's about it."
And, perhaps in the weirdest moment of her presser, Serena uses the word "aplomb". Oh, and she also talks up Masha. Toss-up on which was weirder:
"I really like playing Maria and I really admire her because, being injured and never giving up and developing the confidence that she has. Always just walking around and having so much aplomb, it’s good. I always admired that, its really cool."
"I loved her dress. It was McQueen and she looked amazing and her shoes were dynamite. I was like 'Oh my God I love those shoes.' They were beautiful. It was really cool. I loved what she had on."
Oh, we're friend now? Please remember that on Friday (if that happens not saying it will), Serena.
After her solid win over a craptastic Gools (STILL NOT OVER IT), MaKiri dished on the Lena D's wedding extravaganza. It was hilarious, mainly because she was so happy to talk about it and got really animated and giggly.
“It was the best wedding I have ever been. Elena and her husband, they were always with the guests. They were sitting with the microphone, they were talking to us a lot, they were singing a song together, they were dancing together, it was unbelievable. They always was with the guests. Because normally when you go to the wedding, the pair is just sitting and watching, so kind of boring. But they were interactive.”
“They were dancing together and singing a song for each other. I think they practiced a lot. I talked to her and she said you can't imagine how tough it was before to organize everything. It took half a year. I was surprised. She was singing good.”
“I didn't [catch the bouquet]. [laughs] It was fun. Elena, she was like, did like this [wink] to me. And actually all the girls, they were like trying to, you know, like I was catching the flowers. Then suddenly, from somewhere, Dushevina came, you know, sprint, and she just stole it from me. [laughs] So, ok. Whatever.”
Another week, another disappointing loss. It happens. Sure, kick the kid while she's down. Crack the jokes, have a giggle, revel in the fact that the pretty girl sucks at tennis. I still believe in the kid. I really do. There's just too much talent there, she works so damn hard, and she cares so fricking much (too much? Perhaps). I refuse to believe that we live in a world where that doesn't get rewarded down the road, one way or another.
Or maybe she's already been rewarded for it, winning a Slam and reaching #1 at such an early age, and the rest of her career is some form of penance. Hell, if that's the case, I'm totally fine with it. Why should it be that Fran or Nails get such accolades for being "late bloomers" when an argument could be made that they were underachievers for most of their career, whereas Ana, who achieved great success early, gets tagged with a "you suck at the tennis" label just because she's in a three-year slump? I don't know. I just kinda don't get it. It's the curse of expectation, I suppose. Still, that hardly seems fair.
Anyway, despite serving for the second set against Morita and leading 30-0, Ana found a way to choke away the game and the match, losing 62 75. I thought Morita played really really well, so all credit to her. That Fed Cup win by Japan last month may have bolstered her confidence. As for Ana, she said afterwards that she's only been swinging a racquet for a week before Stanford, opting to take a 10-day break with her family to Mallorca, two weeks of fitness training with Scott, and then one week of tennis before heading to Stanford. If one were to look for explanations for her poor form today, one might point to the rust inherent in her post-Wimbledon break.
She was surprisingly chipper afterwards, clearly believing that her road back with this new team will be a long one. Patience, both in her game and her fitness, seems to be the her mantra. Having sat through quite a few Ana pressers this year, it all really makes sense: the kid doesn't have a whole lot of faith in her fitness, which translates to insecurity about her game, and those doubts cause her to overthink, and splat.
So without further ado, some Ana quotes:
"Definitely not at the level I expected to perform, but still there were a few positive things. I just started with a new team for about a week now, so it takes time for some things to come in place. Obviously nerves played a little bit a part, you know, trying to impress a new coach but that's just normal. It's still a little bit disappointing with the loss and couldn't get a chance to get into the tournament. But there's lots of positive things that I did out there. I served well. Trying to work on a few things and put it together. But I just wanted to get out there and play a match. Maybe a few more weeks of practice will be good to get more confidence in certain shots and patterns, but it's good to be out there competing and practicing in a pressure situation."
"We spoke a lot about about the few things that we are working on. [Nigel] said 'When you're competing when you go out there I want you to trust your instincts and what you're going to do out there.' But I still try to think too much about technical stuff. But it's just a matter of practicing and doing it over and over again until it becomes automatic, basically. It's a process. It's only been a week, actually, that we've been working together. It just takes time."
"I know there are a few tournaments coming up that I have to defend a lot of points. But for me now, until the end of the year basically, it's more about getting that work done, that consistency, getting that base built up again, getting comfortable with my game again, getting that consistent level. It's not so much about -- of course I would love to see the results straight away and win tournaments again, but sometimes that's not how you go and it takes time for certain things to get into place. But like I said, I feel very comfortable and I really trust this team I have now around me. I know good things will happen, it's just a matter of time."
She even cracked a joke:
"I mean you can't tell because I've been in England for a week, but I did have a really good tan [from vacation]."
I still believe in you, dude. See you and your pale skin in San Diego!
Before the excited Stanford patrons could even buy their nachos and get back into the stadium, Serena was done. She's been hitting the ball impeccably in the few practice sessions I saw here, but to see her transfer that form from practice to match was just ridiculous. Serena didn't just make Rodio look like a chump on her way to her first double bagel since 2007, she made herself look like, well, Serena. Like, the one that, if you're a Serena fan, you love, and, if you're not a Serena fan, you hate in the way that I hate sharks because I know a shark can kill me dead.
It was a performance that left me (and others, *cough* The Double Bagel *cough*) laughing out loud and shaking my head. The winners were just ridiculous in both pace and placement, she was moving really well, and she didn't even give Rodio enough time to act like the raging bitch that she normally is. Ok, that's not true. On match point (or the point before?), Rodio made a huge-ass stink at Lynn for an alleged ringing cell phone that went off during a point. Lynn, being a normal and sane person, stared at Rodio like she was crazy. Which she is. That's why we love Lynn.
This Serena? This Serena was scary good. Not just "Oh, that was pretty good for someone coming back from injury and is only playing her 7th match back" good. This was "Oh, that was good and I'm scared as a Masha fan and can someone please hold me as I suckle at the teat of Grandma Jameson" good.
Before she gets a crack at Masha she'll have to go through Lil' Mash on Thursday. Nice win for MaKiri over a completely shambolic Gools today. Straighten your shit, Gools. That was U-G-L-Y and you ain't got no alibi.
Every Forty Deucer knows how much I love music. I'm not all that great about telling people what I'm thinking or what my mental or emotional state is at any given time, but if you ever want to know where I'm at, just look at what I'm listening to that month, that week, that day, that minute. I don't think everyone is like this, obviously, so musical selections can only carry so much weight. For some, music is pure escapism. I can only assume this is why the Black Eyed Peas are so popular, to which I can only say, why the hell would you want to escape TO THERE.
Ahem.
With that in mind, introducing a new off-shoot of Tuesday Tunes, wherein I ask a player to curate the list.
Pardon me if I'm a little shocked. I don't know, I just kinda almost thought she might not make the trip after WTT and whatnot. But I rolled up this morning around 10am and there she was on the Stanford courts huffing and puffing her way through a not-so-light hit. Sasha made her work and work she did, chasing down balls deep in the alley and getting them back with interest as Papa Williams looked on. She was looking pretty great from the baseline. I'm scared.
