Forty Deuce

Welcome to the Family, Rory.

So like, you're dating a girl, right?  It's groovy.  You're on Cloud 9.  She's sweet and cute and you grew up loving The Muppet Show so her voice is, like, the Siren Song to your soul.  She's really good at her sport, you're really good at your sport, and united you can rule the Kids Who Are Good At Their Sports world.  You may or may not have broken up with your ex-girlfriend to be with her.  So yeah, you're totally in it to win it.  This ain't a fling.  THIS IS FOREVER.

And then you meet her crazy family and the tires screech in your head.   GOOD LORD WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO.  On one hand, they're reaaaaaally nice and welcoming.  They actually totally adore you and they're just so excited that you're in their lives now.  It's like that dinner scene in Notting Hill, but without an ignorant Bernie. 

So basically, you're getting bombarded with questions, her cousins are winking and nudging, her brothers are basically threatening to stuff a tennis ball down your fucking throat if you fuck this up, and meanwhile, everybody's asking you for...golf lessons?  I don't know.  I'm just saying shit got more complicated pretty damn quick. 

So good luck if you're planning to accompany Caro to any tournaments in the U.S. this summer.  I have no helpful advice for you.  The reality is, yeah, our family is FUCKING NUTS and we are SHAMELESS.

See the entire conversation between Mardy, Caro, Rory, Vika, Dani, and Feli after the jump. 

From Bull Dog to Hang Dog.

You sir, are literally the only American player for whom I always root.  So this really bums me out. 

The Big Man was up a set and a break on Mardy Fish and even had two championship points, at least one of which on his racquet.  But he couldn't convert and once again fell to a fellow American in a tournament final, this time in his home state of Georgia, looking completely gassed in the process.  Bums me out.  I actually like him.

Oh, and it was hot.  And Halpert has tiny nips.  Information I probably could have done without.

Anyway, congrats and whatnot, Mardy. 

(Pics: Getty)

Extra Salt, Extra Butter, Please!

A-Rod beat Lleyton, Delpo beat Russell.  They'll play each other for a spot in the Memphis final.  An interesting fact of note: If Delpo wins the title he's back in the top 100.

The other semifinal sees Legs McGillicuddy vs. Mardy Fish.  I won't be watching that one but I will be rooting for Milos, even if the hype has gotten way out of fucking control.  Slow your roll, people.  Let the Kid build a career before igniting the fan backlash because y'all insist on talking about him like he's Joseph Smith. 

(Pics: AP)

Straight Sets Are Cool Too, People.

I guess the kids really missed playing tennis.  A good number of matches went the full distance on Day 1 with, in my opinion, the WTA matches bringing the quality.

First off we saw big Sam Q once again crash out in the first round of a Slam.  And once again we saw him crash and burn while playing tentative tennis.  Kubot was on his last legs, running on fumes, and dragging around the court.  And yet he was the one that stepped up and showed the guts and heart necessary to win a five setter at a Slam, 8-6 in the fifth.  He even had enough energy to do a little jig after he won.  It was a really disappointing performance from Sam. 

But on the bright side I won't get confused when people talk about "Sam" on Twitter.  So yay for me.

Then we had Gael playing crap tennis and getting thoroughly outplayed by Dutch youngin' Thiemo, until at 4-1 in the third set Thiemo sustained a groin injury that effectively took him out of the match.  Granted, there was some brain crampage in there as well, but Gael was completely off-base after the match, essentially accusing Thiemo of being soft and how his strategy of "tanking" the fourth set to save energy for the fifth completely failed.  Gael seemed awfully pleased with himself.  Idiot.

Next up for the boys, Mardy Fish coming back from two sets down to save what was looking like an absolutely sorry morning for the Americans (Ryan Harrison lost in straights).  Good win for Mardy, who has traded in his no-socks for actual socks.  Either that or he has a ridiculous sock tan.  Could be either, really, I wasn't watching in HD.

Other notable fivers for the boys: Ivo out to Dodig, Gil over Cuevas, Techno over Kamke, and Montanes over Dustin Brown. 

As for the ladies, it was three-setters galore.  Dani battled Kulikova for over three and a half hours, only to finally fall 9-7 in the third.  The American women also got bit, with Bethanie blowing a 5-3 lead in the third to lose 7-5 to Rus, and Jamie Hampton imploding, gifting the decisive break to Elena Baltacha with three double faults to also go down 7-5.  Of course, the top seed on the ladies side to fall was Aravane, who was broken for the match, 7-5.

I mean, that's not even scratching the surface.  Justine and Sania, Wicky and Jarka, Domi, the list goes on and on. 

And then there's Mono, who won 6-0, 6-0. 

She hates tennis, obvs.

(Pics: Getty)

Relegators! Mount Up.

Huge comeback win for India, who have finally made it into World Group I by coming back from an 0-2 deficit against Brazil to take the next three matches.  Nice wins by Bopanna and Somdev in singles to clinch this one.

Austria was pretty stoked too, bouncing Israel 3-2.

Romania clinched 5-0 over Team Lappenti.

Mardy Fish was the man in Bogota, winning all three of his matches (with a little help from Big John) to take the tie for the Rodless, Bryanless, Americans.

Sod sealed the win over Italy, beating Goth Bols (yes, he still kinda plays tennis) to clinch it today.

Team Techno dusted the South Africans, 5-0.

Rather inexplicably, Team Kazakhstan rolled over the Fedless Swiss, 5-0, to make their first World Group appearance.  Make glorious nation, boys.

Meanwhile, the decisive matches in Cairns were rained out.  They'll resume play tomorrow with the Roos up 2-1.  They'll be without Lleyton though.  He sprained his face mugging.  Or hurt his wrist in doubles.  Either way, he's out for a few weeks.

No Comment.

I hope you got a sandwich with that Corona.

(source)

No Socks > No Hair. Or Something.

Well that just about says it all.

A-Rod goes down to the Sockless Twit, 76(5) 63.

It'll be an All-American final between No Socks and Tall Boy, with No Socks on a 9 match win streak.  Weirdness continues under the Hotlanta sun tomorrow.

Blah Keeps Blahing, And Other Things I Have No Interest In.

The James Blake Pre-Retirement tour continues.  Lost to Dent in three.

And Andy and Sunburst beat Tey-Tey and friends. 

Movingrightalong.

Lawn Mowers.

It was redemption weekend as Sam the Tank won his third title of the year (only Rafa has more), beating No-Socks 76 75 to claim Queens.  That gives Sam a title on all three surfaces this year.  Hey, have you heard that Sam's a dark horse at Wimbledon this year?  Oh, you haven't?  Just wait for it.

Apparently Lleyton read my little jab from yesterday and decided to take it upon himself to rewrite the script.  As most of the commentators noted yesterday, this was a prime match for Lleyton to win, as Fed's form has obviously been questioned and his form in Halle leading up to the final wasn't as emphatic as one would expect.  So Lleyton took his cue, beating Fed in three sets to stop his streak of 15 straight losses.  After the match, Fed blamed his forehand and serve for the loss.

Not that the German crowd cared.  They were too busy watching Der Mannschaft TOTALLY EMBARRASS Lleyton's Socceroos in Durban.  So everyone wins!  Except Fed.  Tear.

 

And in Birmingham the seeds held up, as Nails, who beat Shazz in the semifinals last year, beat her again in the finals this year.  And in totally cool, clever, and hilarious form, the two had totally nice things to say to each other after the match:

Oh, and in case you missed it, Team Liezel retired in the second set against Team Black. No word on whether there was wailing and rending of garments.

Pic This: Your Obligatory Mardy Fish Abs Shot

Because I'm feeling rather dickish today.  You're welcome.

Were In Ur Kuntry, Ruinin' Ur Weeknd

 

Red, White, and Green.  An appropriate headline for World Cup (I mean, Seriously???) and for Queens, where Sunday will see an All-American final after Mardy knocked off Feli and Sam bounced Rainer.  That's what we call adding insult to serious injury.  Two Americans, vying for the Queens trophy, one of whom wears no socks and needs to eat a sandwich or four, and the other wears stupid hats.

Ick.

Please accept this picture of Flashdance Feli as an olive branch.

Pic This: That Makes Two Things That Are Yellow...

 

Gotta love the British press:

The men in charge ought to have insisted that Fish played on, but perhaps, given his name, they decided to act like invertebrates.

What The Hell, Queens?

Well, Queens had everything on the menu today.  We had upsets, injuries, and Americans once again proving that if it ain't football, baseball, or basketball, we are a bunch of p-words.

Rafa was pushed in three tight sets by Istomin, 76(4) 46 64.  More problematic than the challenge was a Rafa calling the trainer to look at his famous ass.  Afterwards, Rafa complained of some pain the back of his leg and up to his bum.  It sounds like a typical grass court injury (the players, used to the balls bouncing high on clay now have to get low for the balls on grass).  He said he'll get some tests and hopes he can play tomorrow.  Let's just be happy it wasn't his knees.

You knew it was going to be a bad day at the office for A-Rod when Dudi broke him in his second service game.  Gilbert observed that the grass was playing a bit slow and I have to agree.  Dudi played some inspired tennis though.  You have to think Andy needs more than just two warm-up matches for Wimbly though.

Then Nole got bounced by ATomic Killer X-Man.  Yeah...I don't know. 

And then, to cap it all off, Mardy No-Socks had to pull the most chickenshit stunt I've seen in quite some time.  After splitting sets with Muzz and jumping to a 3-0 lead in the third, No-Socks would drop the next three games to even it up at 3-3.  At that point, he started bitching and moaning about the light (it was about 8:30pm), the tourney referee was called out, a conversation was had (which didn't include Andy), play was suspended, and then No-Socks abruptly packed his shit and walked off the court.  Moose was livid and ripped the umpire for a good while.  As he pointed out, No-Socks was perfectly happy to play 10 minutes ago when he was up in the set  and "politely" reminded the chair that he had played until 9:30pm last week in Paris.  The crowd wasn't too pleased either.

Seriously, Britain.  With the amount of fight and lack of guile displayed by the Colonies these past few weeks, I have no idea why my dollar bills don't have the Queen on them.  Maybe instead of muskets and frigates you should have just rolled out some grass turf back in 1775, poured yourself a hot cup of tea, and watched as we all ran to Canada.

Dear England: Please hand us our asses on Saturday.  I'll be rooting for you.

Men at Work

Somehow I always forget Brisbane is a combined tournament.  So I was pretty surprised to wake up this morning and see that the men's draw was out.  Obviously this "new season" thing is going to require a couple days' adjustment.

Good to see Andy got some clothes that fit.  Well.  "Fit".

Draw

Top Seeds: A-Rod, Steps, Gael, Tomas

Potential Quarterfinals: A-Rod/Melzer, Tomas/Bellucci, Gael/Sammy Q, Steps/Chardy

Potentially Interesting First Round Matches: Mardy/Marcos, Gasquet/Nieminen, Sammy Q/Blah, Dent/Monfils

Interesting Questions: How's A-Rod's knee?  How's Sammy Q's arm?  What kind of shape are Gasquet and Baghdatis in?  Can any match involving James Blake actually be interesting?

Rajeev For President!

 

Congrats to Rajeev Ram for taking out the Sockless Wonder in straight sets.  Not much else to say other than "YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"

As for the rest of the peens, Chucho took out Tommy, Bjorn upset Nico, and in a bit of a shocker, Florent Serra upset Jeremy.  Oh, and Janko keeps losing in second rounds.  That's fun.

Singles - Second Round
[1] N Davydenko (RUS) d R Kendrick (USA) 76(10) 63
[2] [WC] F Verdasco (ESP) d P Capdeville (CHI) 60 63
J Acasuso (ARG) d [3] T Robredo (ESP) 36 75 76(5)
[WC] R Ram (USA) d [5] M Fish (USA) 63 63
[7] I Andreev (RUS) d K Kim (USA) 63 61
[8] V Hanescu (ROU) d J Tipsarevic (SRB) 64 67(8) 63
B Phau (GER) d [9] N Almagro (ESP) 26 63 75
F Serra (FRA) d [10] J Chardy (FRA) 67(8) 76(4) 61
[11] J Melzer (AUT) d [Q] P Cuevas (URU) 62 30 ret. (shoulder)
[Q] F Gil (POR) d [12] P Petzschner (GER) 67(2) 76(8) 63
S Bolelli (ITA) d [13] A Beck (GER) 64 64
[14] I Kunitsyn (RUS) d [WC] T Dent (USA) 63 64
[15] F Santoro (FRA) d P Starace (ITA) 75 60
[16] A Seppi (ITA) d Y Lu (TPE) 67(5) 63 75
L Mayer (ARG) d [LL] O Rochus (BEL) 60 64

Doubles - First Round
[2] B Soares (BRA) / K Ullyett (ZIM) d E Butorac (USA) / J Coetzee (RSA) 63 63
J Knowle (AUT) / J Melzer (AUT) d O Marach (AUT) / D Skoch (CZE) 63 64

LA, Now 700,000% Douchier

Sam and his lovely off-hand were on display today in LA, where he needed three sets to beat fellow Yankee Ryan Sweeting, 63 67 63.  Unfortunately his doucheclan was in tow for the affair.  Whatever.

Meanwhile, Darth Fish saved 3 match points to beat Gooch.  I don't even know why I'm writing about it.  Like I care.

And in somewhat depressing news, Marat finally lost.  He and Igor fell to the BryBros in fairly boring fashion.

Are they conjoined now?  Are they even technically a doubles team?  Hey ITF, instead of going after poor Tamira Pazcek, maybe you should be investigating these freaks of nature.  Just a suggestion.

Singles – Second Round
[2] M Fish (USA) d [WC] C Guccione (AUS) 67(3) 76(12) 64 - saved 3 M.P.
[4] D Sela (ISR) d R Kendrick (USA) 64 36 61
L Mayer (ARG) d [5] I Kunitsyn (RUS) 76(5) 67(7) 63
[6] S Querrey (USA) d [Q] R Sweeting (USA) 63 67(5) 63

Doubles - Quarter-finals
[1] B Bryan (USA) / M Bryan (USA) d I Kunitsyn (RUS) / M Safin (RUS) 63 62
M Melo (BRA) / A Sa (BRA) d J Coetzee (RSA) / J Erlich (ISR) 61 76(9)
D Istomin (UZB) / L Mayer (ARG) d E Gulbis (LAT) / D Tursunov (RUS) 75 76(8)

Friday OOP:

STRAUS STADIUM start 12:00 noon
J Isner (USA) vs [Q] C Ball (AUS)
[4] D Sela (ISR) vs [6] S Querrey (USA)
L Mayer (ARG) vs  [2] M Fish (USA)
Not Before 8:00 PM
[1] T Haas (GER) vs [8] M Safin (RUS)
[1] B Bryan (USA) / M Bryan (USA) vs M Melo (BRA) / A Sa (BRA)

GRANDSTAND start 12:00 noon
B Becker (GER) / F Moser (GER) vs Y Lu (TPE) / D Vemic (SRB)

Tall vs. Douche: Which Do You Choose?

It's just not the same without Mario.  Not the same at all.

Ivo and Blah will kick things off tomorrow.  If you want to see a lot of rallies and baseline intelligence, tune into this one, folks.

Then Sockless and Marin will go at it in the second rubber.  At least this one could be mildly interesting.

Suck It, ESPN.

64 64 64, assholes.

You Sockless Little Twit

 
The Sockless Wonder dispatched of the Socked Misogynist 64 36 61 64. 

Go to the corner, eat some Rice a Roni, and think about what you've done, asshole.


You and me, buddy.  You and me.

Why DVRs Were Invented

So I can go back and enjoy things like this, see?

Looks like it's time for these two to settle down with a steaming plate of Rice-a-Roni and a copy of Breaking Back. As a fellow ESPN commentator said to PMac, "It's a good thing this isn't Davis Cup, right?" Both defeated at the hands of Argentinians, the Sockless Wonder went out in 4 sets to Maximo Gonzalez, who is at least ranked in the top 100. But Blah... Blah went out in straights to a qualifier (God bless Leonardo Mayer)! Who was playing his second major, ever! So, uh, good work there, Blah. Since I possess an almost complete inability to watch American players on American TV (so sycophantic!) I didn't see much of either match, but I saw more of Blah's and he was his usual Blah self-- waddling around the court, looking petulant, pouting to himself about when he could finally get back on a hard court and play some real tennis... As soon as possible, looks like. 

The upsides (well, the upsides besides two of my least favourite people in tennis losing on the same day): 

• Two fewer Americans to show, so now when there are actual interesting matches going on, ESPN will be less tempted to kick me to some outside court where some jackass is looking completely uninterested in what's going on around him. Although, they'll probably just show me more Williams sisters matches. Okay, so maybe never mind on that one. 
• No more ridiculous posturing about Blah's chances at RG, due to his "great clay season" coming in. Zilch. His chances are nonexistent, y'all. 
• Drastically increases Sammy Q's chances of making the Davis Cup team for Croatia! (Hey, at least he lost to Ernie.) 

One last note...

Pretty sure that only works for Safins, Mardy. Nice try though.

Pic This: My Eyes. They Burn.

Can we all just take a moment and soak in what's going on with XXXL there?  I mean...wow.

Pic This: It's A Shame The BryBros Were Stuck In MC

This pic could have been way more awesome.  Or is it "awesomer"?

Sydney Interviews

Interviews with Nole, Nalby, Dani, Sveta, Dina, A-Rad, and Mario here.

Pic This: Holy Crap! Everyone Looks Good!

Pics from the Sydney Medibank Player's Party.

 
 




But the winner, and still Heavyweight Champion of the World:

Hummuna hummuna hummuna.

Mardy Marries Fish Lips. No Word On Whether He Wore Socks.

All kidding aside, it looked like a gorgeous wedding.  I've always loved the black and red motif.

Rafa Wins.

I'm very proud of myself.  No "Fish" puns.

The Sockless Wonder came out firing and reminded us all of the form he showed against Roger at Indian Wells.  He was serving huge, volleying well, and basically taking it to Rafa.  But let's face it.  You knew it couldn't last because (1) Mardy got a haircut and a shave, breaking the long standing tradition of athlete's not changing anything when they're on a win streak, (2) Boyd Tinsley, the violinist for Dave Matthews Band, was in his box cheering him on, meaning he's inherently lame, and (3) dude wears no-show socks, which speak for themselves.

This is why I think Rafa, Roger, and Nole are so above the rest of the field.  Because you may beat them 2 out of 3 at a tour event.  But taking three sets from them?  That is a very tall task and these three just find a way to figure it out and gut it out.  And against the field, with the exception of a few players (namely Murray, Roddick), no one can stay with them for five sets and no one scares those three to the point that they drop their level and lose.

And that's what happened here.  Mardy was out of this world in the first set.  And then he came crashing down, dumping easy volleys into the net, whacking groundstrokes 2-3 feet long, and missing first serves at an alarming rate.  And Rafa, the bull that he is, was relentless.  Is there nothing more inevitable than seeing Rafa sprint across the court to hit a blind cross-court passing shot?  Amazing.

So Rafa advances, though he didn't finish until 2:30am.  But again, just like Muzzah he'll have time to rest as they won't play their semi until Saturday afternoon.  So get some rest, Rafa.

Oh, and with the win, Rafa joins the elite group of players to reach at least the semifinals of every Grand Slam in a calendar year.  Boy, the kid just keeps checking off boxes on his to do list, doesn't he?

Do You Have a King of Clubs? Go Fish!

No way the Mardy Fish takes three sets from Rafa.  No way.

Ok, there is a way.  The Sockless Wonder could (a) go for his shots from the baseline and execute and (b) get to the net 70% of the time and (b) Rafa has to miss.  A lot.

All these scenarios are possible.  But the chances are very very low.  I was at Mardy's Indian Wells final against Nole and I see the same thing happening.  Nole just ground him down, ran everything down, and executed a winner when the opportunity presented itself.  Rafa is even better and against a player like Mardy who doesn't move particularly well (which is why he needs to get to the net) he will just force Mardy out of his comfort zone.

Then again, after today's events, who knows?  But remember, despite all the drama today, Nole and Fed found a way to win.  Because that's what champions do.

Bagels, Breadsticks, and Gut Checks.

Well well well.  The results were not surprising, but the matches were.  Thank God for Tivo!

I have learned since seeing Mardy Fish destroy (and yes, I mean DESTROY) Roger at Indian Wells that you can't really count the dude out.  The fact is that when he is on, he is awfully hard to beat.  But I also know that he's a bit of a flake and against a guy like Monfils I figured it would go at least four sets with a few sets being very close.  But for all the upside to Monfils (athletic ability, court coverage, shot making ability) there's also a downside, which was harped upon at RG before he made his run.  He is your quintiscential counterpuncher who is content to hang behind the baseline and let his opponent make mistakes.  I've always had a problem with these types of players because how can they are essentially going into a match hoping that the other guys screws up, as opposed to taking their game to the other player and beating them.  Seems awfully risky to me to put the match on the other guy's racquet instead of your own.

Well today, LaMonf was taken to the shed by Mardy Fish.  He was patient and went for his blazing shots when they were there and he executed.  All credit to Mardy for two very impressive back to back wins.  He's having an Indian Wells-like run here.

Mardy's next opponent is Rafa, who had a rather adventurous afternoon.  Sure, he won in four sets but boy, it was a lot closer than the score indicated.  Querrey California showed up to play and he was hell bent on (a) not getting embarrassed and (b) maximizing his air time on CBS (the kid IS from Southern California after all).  Rafa seemed on a roll until he had a break point at 4-2 and sent a forehand flying out of bounds on an easy second serve.  That seemed to rattle him and Querrey came back and rattled off a 7-5 win.  From then it it was a complete gut-out by Rafa.  He was completely off his game, sending a load of UFEs (for him) and serving horribly.  The world #1 was sending in 90 mph serves.  But in the end Querrey couldn't capitalize.  The epic 4-2 game in the fourth set that saw seven break points for Querrey, would eventually go Rafa's way.  And the rest is history.

I think this was a good match for Rafa to have.  Every top player needs one game in the tournament to test their fight and their gut.  This was Rafa's.

As for the ladies, it was a bagel and breadstick buffet.  ALG gave Dinara a run in the first set, eventually losing 7-5, and that must have broken her spirit.  Baby Beluga would eventually force feed the resurgent German a bagel in the second.  Dinara will face Flava Flav who has had a fantastic few months.  She destroyed Momo 3 and 0.  Dinara holds the 4-0 lead on the H2H, beating Flavia just a month ago in the LA final, 4 and 2. 

As for Venus, well, she was Venus.  She looks absolutely unbeatable, beating Agi 1 and 3.  Radwanska made it a tick more competitive in the second set but in the end there was zero doubt who was the favorite and who had the game to take the tournament.  The more the Sisters play the more bummed I get that they're going to meet in the next round (assuming Serena wins her match tonight).  It's a darn shame.