"Nothing can be for Serbia to achieve one without the other. This victory is very much Ana, just like all the other girls. Because of my condition I could not sit on the bench all the time and cheer for her first day, but I was watching the Sunday when they played against Cibulkova. it is ridiculous to talk about that I have something against her and that I do not care that she wins and is looking forward to. I was thrilled when she got Hantuchova, this victory meant a lot to us. I'm sorry that it hurt, was it is a real setback for her, but I want her to recover as soon as possible and again begins to infrequent triumphs."
You realize your avatar is you with a ball in your mouth, right? Just checking.
So...Domi was kind of excited securing a point when Ana was forced to retire in tears due to her abdominal injury on Sunday. Eyewitness accounts describe her as celebrating like a fucktard while Ana was busy crying into her racquet bag (paraphrasing, mine). I wish I could show you what happened but the YouTubes are empty.
What I do know is that if she did what everyone says she did (again, assumption) then it was, inarguably, a pretty classless move. If Amelie Mauresmo can hold her shit together and show some compassion when she WON A GRAND SLAM off a retirement, then surely you can keep your shit together when you secure a non-decisive point in a Fed Cup relegation tie. Am I being controversial here?
But let's give Midge the benefit of the doubt and say she got caught up in the moment (and yes, I'm ignoring my Ally McBeal instincts to yell "But it's an excited utterance and thus admissible hearsay!" Trying to be mature here). But they she took to the Twitter and tweeted her excitement. I gotta say, this short-sightedness sure does make me appreciate Caro's boring but classy post-match tweets.
Whoops. Got distracted. The point of this post was actually just to post up tweets at her that cracked me up:
They may not be best friends, they may not be great tennis players all of the time, and they may have disagreements from time to time. But after this weekend they both share one unbreakable bond:
Daniela Hantuchova hates them both equally.*
In what was hands-down the most ridiculously dramatic tie of the weekend, Team Serbia overcame every fucking obstacle thrown in their way to stage in improbable comeback to take the tie over Slovakia 3-2, thus avoiding relegation to World Group II.
I'm going to guess that the only person who is happier than JJ, Ana, Bojana, and Alexandra about Serbia surviving this dicey tie is Dejan. When he announced on Friday that he wasn't putting in JJ to play a singles match on Saturday, people (read: me) were like "THE FUUUUUUUUUUCK????" You're *not* going to play the Serbia #1 and player who's been making quarterfinal and semifinal runs for the past month and a half? Watchu smokin' and can I have NONE OF IT.
No one was providing any clarification other than "I just think it's the right move." We would find out after the tie that JJ wasn't feeling well so she essentially tapped herself out of Saturday's action. I totally get why Dejan wouldn't say that in the first place. But seriously, it would have saved everyone a lot of heavy drinking.
ANYWAY.
Shit could have been baaaad after Saturday. Bojangles couldn't hold on to a one-set lead over Domi and collapsed in three, shifting the pressure on Ana. AND WE KNOW HOW MUCH ANA LUUUUUUUURVES PRESSHA!
Actually, she lurved it quite fine. She threw down the best Fed Cup performance of her career, beating Dani easily, and no there was no squeaking so don't even start with me, Dani. WHEEE!!! 1-1 after day one. Surely Dehan would put JJ in on Sunday and Ana and JJ would win their rubbers, hop on a plane, and go broker some peace in the Middle East.
BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOO.
After dropping the first set 63 to Domi, Ana was up 3-0 when she went for a backhand and felt a twinge in her abs. Yup, the same abs that forced her to retire from Hopman Cup earlier in the year. After dropping three straight games after that, she pulled the ripcord and retired from the match. Oh, and when Ana retired in tears, Domi danced around and celebrated like she won a Slam.
And that's when the Tennis Gods were like, "HAIL NAWWWWW, MIDGET."
Help us JJ-Wan Kenobi. You're our only hope.
And so, like death and taxes (which are due today, btw #PSA), JJ summoned Falkor (anyone?) and rode in to save the, what turned out to be, very very very long day. First she needed over two hours and 45 minutes to beat Dani, 7-5 in the third. Then she powdered her nose, took some time to explain to AK-47 what it means when Aunt Flo comes for a visit (mentoring!), and took the court for the decisive doubles match. Which turned out to be nuts.
Clearly the fact that it was a decisive doubles match wasn't dramatic *enough* for Team Serbia so they decided to make it interesting: by going down a set and 5-1, 30-0 to Dani and Rybarikova. Just for shits and giggs.
Final score? 26 75 97. Serbia advances, Slovakia relegated.
I honestly had no idea whether those guys were Serbian coaches who were celebrating via dog pile, or Slovak fans who bumrushed the court to tear JJ's head off. Either way, that looked kinda scary. But also very very awesome.
A gutsy Sunday for JJ who should totally get a Heart Award for spending over six hours on court, and a wonderful win by TEAM Serbia. Ana secured a point, JJ secured a point, and AK-47 comes through YET AGAIN in a decisive doubles rubber. And before people even try to slag off Bojana, let us not forget that much like Tipsy's DC heroics from last year, Serbia wouldn't have even been in a position to get back into World Group if not for Bojangles' Heart-Award-Worthy performance in the first round against Canada.
As for all the stuff on the Twitter about pitting JJ fans against Ana fans and all that nonsense (if you don't know what I'm talking about don't worry about) all I have to say is this: Whatever. This is a great accomplishment and result for these four ladies and I would personally rather spend my energy celebrating that than trying to turn shit all negative. It just seems so unnecessary. For now, let's pop some champagne, link arms, and sing made up songs that involve words like "ajde", "idemo", and "swimming pools". We can all return to throwing poo at each other tomorrow.
That's Fed Cup, people. It brings people together for a united cause. Crazy shit happens when you stich that flag on your kit. Sorry, did I say "crazy"? I meant AWESOME.
(Pics: AP, Fed Cup Site)
*No, I do not know why JJ was dressed like the Hamburglar.
Tough luck for the Waffle Nation. What looked to be a relatively straight-forward tie against the Czech Republic for a spot in the Fed Cup finals turned into an evenly matched battle once Kim injured her shoulder/foot/head/heart/whatever. After Wicky fell to Petra, fading in three sets, Flipper came through HUGE by beating BZS in straights.
BZS got the last cackle though, teaming up with Iveta to beat WickyFlips (feel free to use that as a product name, Belgian waffle spatula-making company!) 64 64 in the deciding dubs. I'm not a big fan of Team Czech but props to them. It took a team to get it done today, with all three team members responsible for a point.
And props to Petra Chihuatova. I didn't know how she would do this weekend against Wicky given her weird losses since Australia. Way to bounce back, girl.
So the first-time Fed Cup finalists will meet the seasoned pros of Mother Russia for the Cup. Bepa, Sveta, Pavs, and Maks took care of business against an Awesomeless Italian team, rolling to a 5-0 win after Italy was forced to field a team anchored by Sara Errani and Roberta Vinci. In singles. Yeah.
There was a bit of hubbabloo made (by the press) about some quotes from Roberta Vinci regarding Frank and Flav's absence. According to Uncle Jamie, Reuters claims Vinci "blasted" them, but the AP says she didn't. I have a really hard time thinking that Vinci would say anything bad about them at all and my official opinion is that something was lost in translation. Besides, if Vinci did slag them, wouldn't the Italian press have picked up on it? According to my sources (random fans on Twitter who speak Italian) the quotes haven't made any waves at all. So let's not, huh?
I am sooooooooo interested to see the team Shamil puts together for the final. Could we see Masha? Could we? COULD WE????
Welcome to the new world order. It just got a little more "Axis-y".
As Venus watched on, the super teamy and adorable Germans completely overwhelmed the American teenyboppers with a 5-0 schpanking (that' s how they'd pronounce it). Oh, and Liezel. She was there, too. More on that later.
With that, the Americans get relegated to World Group II for the first time in Fed Cup history. If you ask me it was a miracle that they were in World Group I for as long as they were, and even more of a miracle (miracler?) that they made back to back Fed Cup finals. This day was inevitable.
But don't worry, America. You're not alone! You'll have some company with two other former tennis superpowers. France has been relegated after failing to come through against the protestin' Spaniards, losing 4-1. On the current state of the French team, to quote Alec Baldwin *and* captain Escude: "It's complicated".
“It was difficult for me to choose the four women I was going to put on team. Alize beat Kuznetsova against Russia but it was her first win for her and she didn’t win a match after. I put Pauline in because she played well this week and Alize did. Aravane had tough beginning of the year in her mind and Virginie had problems in her personal life too. It’s complicated."
Bullshit, Nick. You how you uncomplicate things? YOU PLAY ALIZE EVERY CHANCE YOU GET. If you're going to get relegated you might as well get relegated *and* have a significant presence in my Fed Cup "Pic This" compilations. That only happens if you play Alize.
So we have America and France. Who else should we throw in the mix? Sure, why not Australia! This was the shock of the weekend. Even without Sam and Jelena Dokic, Australia were huge favorites going into Melbourne against a Bonderenko-less Ukraine. Jarka's had a great 2011 and surely, SURELY Rodio can get ONE POINT in singles against two players ranked outside of the top 100.
Jarka held up her side of the deal. She played like a team #1, besting Savchuk and Tsurenko with no problems, dropping only six games in two very quick matches. But Rodio? She lost to Tsurenko 1 and 4 on Saturday and dropped a tight one to Savchuk, 76 76, going to 12-10 in the second set breaker. Australia had one more chance to salvage the tie in the doubles and had two match points on Rodio's serve to clinch. They failed to convert and Team Ukraine came through with the decisive point.
Would it have been different if Sam had played? DUH. But you can't blame Sam and Dave for believing that Jarka and Rodio could take this one home without her services.
So back to World Group II for you, Australia. I hope you enjoyed your one-tie-stint in The Show. As for the Nonderenkos, well done you! Hell of an effort from two players ranked in the hundos.
My week in Melbourne after the Aussie Open was awesome. The Melbourne cafe culture and open until dawn bars suits me. I'd pack a backpack every morning, step outside my North Melbourne hostel, and just start wandering. Sure enough, I'd find something to my liking and settle down for some reading and writing. I was planning to stick around for a week and a half and just soak in the city.
That said, I think I knew the minute Sam lost in the third round to Kvitova that I would be heading to Hobart for Fed Cup. First, it was in Tasmania and I had heard nothing but great things about the scenery there. Second, between her early losses in Sydney and Melbourne, I just didn't feel like I saw Sam play that much tennis in Australia. So two guaranteed matches against top-ranked players in Fed Cup with Stubbsy playing her last Fed Cup match? Done and done. Next thing I knew I was on a plane to Hobart.
Inner Monologue: "What language are they speaking? Also, WHERE AM I???"
It's like she plays a version of tennis that only exists in her mind. She's like the anti-Neo.
It's cute that you guys all get along, but GODDAMMIT, FLAVIA.
Just wanted to confirm: She's still little.
Nice try, ladies. But despite what you may have heard, a drunk vagina is still going to get pregnant. Alcohol and bubbles ain't gonna stop those little fuckers.
As is always the case with Fran, the pictures tell the story.
In case we leave the weekend and forget, Jarka capped off a fantastic swing on her new home soil, winning Hobart, a solid run in Melbourne, and a three-set win over a top 5 player. Something tells me Australia welcomes you, Jarka.
Ah, Fed Cup. I always always always forget how much I love you and then you remind me every damn time. I don't know why I thought I wouldn't care all that much about Fed Cup this past weekend. I mean, for Christsakes I was flying to Hobart to go to a tie (more on that later), but I suppose I always need reminding as to how badass these ladies can be when they play for their flag.
First off, how about Sveta bouncing back after losing to THE CONE on Saturday (Alize had never won a Fed Cup rubber. Like...ever) to help Russia come back from an 0-2 hole (Uh...good job, Masha). But really, much props to Pavs for stepping up after Tarpi benched Masha, to beat Cones and pair up with Sveta to win the deciding doubles tie.
Cheerios!
And then there was Flavia, who drove the business end of her Wilson racquet through Stubbsy's heart by taking her two singles rubbers and continuing her domination over Sam (she's now 4-0).
The good news is that Sam played two tough three setters and she's not playing poorly. She's just not 100% dialed in yet and I think she was overusing the slice against Flavia. I'm confident she'll be alright though, despite being on a 3 match losing streak (Kvitova, Pennetta, Schiavone). Just as with Masha, the kid just don't play good on home soil. Moving on.
Belgium destroyed the Americans. They reacted accordingly.
Funny thing I read: Mel won 7 points in one set against Kim. Like I said, funny.
Germany did what they do. They perfectly combine being badassedly adorable.
But how about the Serbian Sisters? No, no THOSE ones. The ones that are good at tennis!
Bojangles and wee little AK47 took out Canada, 3-2. AK lost her two singles rubbers, but she acquitted herself well and teamed up with Bojo to win the decisive doubles rubber. She actually came back from 0-5 down in the third to Marino, only to lose it eventually, 7-5. As for Bojangles, there's no way she's not top 25 before the end of the year. Fantastic stuff in front of a not-even-close-to-sell-out-crowd in Belgrade.
Fed Cup is this weekend, and in case you missed it, quite a few folks are in action.
The tie of the weekend is newly promoted Australia vs. defending champs, Italy in Hobart. And yes, I'll be going. Behind Flavia and Fran you have to give the Italians an advantage in experience, not to mention the fact that Sam's 0-3 against Flavia (look it up, Flavia's destroyed her every time). But Sam's undefeated in Fed Cup since 2007 (don't think that streak will continue) and Jarka's been playing *really* well.
How great would it be if it came down to doubles and Stubbsy helped get the win? SO GREAT.
Other notables: Masha and Sveta are in action for Russia against an Aravane-less France. Dinara's there too, but methinks she'll just be shagging balls and bringing Masha water.
Kim & Co take on a Williamsless American Team (redundant) in Belgium.
The only way this ends well for MJ is if Bethanie's tights cause temporary blindness among Team Belgium.
Junior Wimby champ Robbo and Junior USO champ Watso (What? It rhymes) will join AKO and Elena Baltacha for Great Britain's Fed Cup tie in Israel. While Italy remains the team I would want to get shit-faced with, this GB Squad definitely wins the "Hey, you guys seems normal. Can we just, I don't know, hang out? I promise I won't be weird" distinction.
Because I kind of love this idea. Yet, because I'm normally such a hater, I find myself in a state of confuzzlement.
On one hand, who wouldn't want a combined event that features the men and the women in a modified Davis/Fed Cup format that is played in alternating years? If it's going to be a competition among nations then let's a make it a COMPETITION AMONG NATIONS. Let's give our men and women a break from having to play so many matches and flying all over the world to represent their countries during the most inopportune times of the season (Immediately after AO? Immediately after USO? Come on.) Oh, and did I mention mixed doubles? DID I MENTION MIXED FUCKING DOUBLES?!?!?!?!?
This sounds too good to be true!
But then there's the traditionalist in me. I like that the men and women are kept on different slates. I mean, could Spain really win this new competition given the weakness of its women's field? Could Italy's women show off its awesomeness if it had to deal with Fabio Fucktard Fognini? What about Argentina? If you thought Nalby got pissy with Delpo, wait until he has to deal with Gisela. And would any umpire crew actually agree to work a tie that involved BOTH A-Rod and Serena? Doubtful. And, if there were 7 rubbers for each tie (so dirty) we wouldn't have thos awesome ties where one dude/dudette totally carried the team to victory and became a national hero. I love those moments.
All reservations aside, I *think* I really love this idea. How it will work alongside the ITF's competitions, who knows. If this just means that the talent pool for the ITF competitions will get diluted (with some players choosing Davis/Fed Cup and others choosing Butchapalooza), then that's complete and utter bullshit. It seems to me that in order to exhibit the best of what nation-based competition has to offer, only one of these two ideas can survive.
But the tennis community ain't the swiftest in embracing change. While the ATP and WTA seem on board with this new idea, will the players and federations just immediately bail on Davis Cup and Fed Cup to love up on this new competition? Or will we have to deal with an idiotic schism, where Moose, Rafa, and Sam play the ITF, and Fed, Moose, and Flavia play the Buchholz version.
Pfft. That was a horrible example. Moose ain't playing either because we know Britain ain't winning shit either way.
But it's an intersting thing to think about. Thoughts?
After a fantastic performance by Believe to completely destroy Fran (who let's face it, played like absolute shit), the pressure was on Flavi to pull out the win for Italy. Because as much as I think Sara and Roberta are badass and might cut you in a back alley, I fully believe that if you leave the tie in Liezel's hands, you will get cut. On court. Repeatedly.
So all credit to Flavia who faltered yesterday but was tough as nails today, playing with calmness and purpose to make Coco (who subbed in for an ailing BMS) look like a junior. Sure, you can hit the ball harder than me, kid, but can you do it consitently? Yeah, I didn't think so. 61 62, bitch. GIVE ME MY TROPHY.
Congrats, ladies. That's defending your title.
World Class.
Please tell me Franny eats a box full of Wheaties out of that Cup in nothing but her boxers.
All went according to plan for Team Italia today, as Fran dusted an inexperienced and outmatched Coco and Flavia overcame some inspired play by Bethanie and her own brainfarting. Flavia blew a 5-1 lead in the first before taking it in a tiebreak. In the second set, Bethanie, who was reportedly suffering from a virus, started cramping in her legs. Flavia responded by cramping in her brain, gifting a break back to Bethanie when she clearly wasn't moving well. But Flavi stopped cramping, Bethanie kept cramping, and it was 2-0 at the end of the day.
Sadz. I just really feel for her.
And so we'll flip it and do it all over again on Sunday. No clue who MJ will throw out there for the US, but I can't think it will matter too much.
Get the Peroni on ice, people. The party's about to go down in San Diego.
So the Fed Cup final is this weekend in San Diego and everywhere I turn in my Google Reader feed all I see are references to this being a David vs. Goliath clash between the US and Italy, which...I kinda understand from an underdog vs. heavy favorite angle, but not so much from a litte guy vs. big guy angle. And forgive me if I'm wrong, but doesn't size have a huge impact in the analogy?
Uh...but I digress.
So yeah. San Diego. Insert obligatory "whales vagina" joke. If I wasn't dazed on painkillers at the moment I could craft a pretty amazing Liezel/Whales Vagina joke that would blow your whale pants off. Oh well.
Ooh! Look! Mark Wahlberg riding a unicorn!
Teams have been in San Diego practicing and the draw finally rolled around today. Everybody's shocked that MJ tapped Coco as the #2 singles player instead of Believe, but really, why should anyone be shocked. I think sblily said it best on the Twitter gadget:
It was a well-run campaign. Stayed on message and backed up her argument with facts. Bravo, Mels.
So after they gave the seal a gag ball, which is apparently a thing in conservative San Diego, the draw was made.
Fran and the Seal will take on Coco...
...and Flavi will take on Bethanie in a match that will require me to keep my mouth shut. I really like them both and I really do want Bethanie to get something positive out of this year.
That said, there's no reason to think Team Forza won't take this. I don't think Coco can deal wtih Fran's variety and the Italians are solid in away ties.
Goliath looks really tense. And...not so Goliath-y.
Amazing photobomb, Shamu. I want to high five your tail.
The top six Spanish ladies have had enough and they ain't gonna take it no more. Last week they announced that they would be ladycotting (yeah, I made that up for shits and giggles) next year's Fed Cup because they don't feel like they get any support from the RFET (the Spanish tennis federation).
The problem areas include a lack of medical resources and structure for women’s tennis, a decrease in the number of ITF tournaments held in Spain, a lack of structural investment, and the need for greater professional support for the Fed Cup team. According to the players, these issues were presented to the Federation in 2009, but no improvement has been made. The letter concludes, “Very much against our will, we have been forced to take a unanimous decision to stop playing and forming part of the national team for the 2011 Fed Cup.”
The RFET was all "The fuck? What you bitches be talkin' 'bout?" and issued a 13 point reply that basically amounted to "Nuh uh" and "Ok, fine we'll promise to do what we already promised to do but didn't actually do but no seriously this time we'll do it we promise" and "ZOMG, that is so weird that you brought this up! We were totally *just* going to give you 200k Euros! What a coincidence!"
But the ladies were having none of it. They've got Arantxa and Conchi on their side and they basically told the RFET that until they actually, you know, DO SOMETHING, they're not going to be going on any tours of the finer side of Estonia with Kaia any time soon.
I'm all for players standing up for themselves so kudos to Team Spain, Lady Edition. That doesn't mean that MGMT or Vives are off my ess list, or really, any of them thanks to this piece of international relations genius, but all power to them and I hope this forces the RFET to pony up some lady dollars.
The Fed Cup draw for 2011 is out and its pretty hilarious. Liezel & Co will take on Justine, Kim, and Wicky, Sammy Stones takes on Flavia and Franny at home, Serbia gets Canada at home, which, seriously, Serbia, if you can't win that one I don't know what to tell you.
The Daily Mail summarizes all the JJ quotage on Ana's lack of participation in the last Fed Cup tie.
Snicker at "Wimbledon Champion". Took me a sec to remember who they were talking about. Oh, and here's Matt Cronin's piece on the Serb Sisters from 2008. Kind of funny to read it now.
I wonder if Ana's camp will respond. I mean, other than the icy stares from Dragana, which really, is all the response needed.
Bring it, ladies! As Liezel would say, "WHO'S MORE PATRIOTIC?!?!?"
So you're at a party, right? And one of your friends is like, "Hey, I want you meet a friend of mine. We go way back." So you meet her. She seems fun. You chat with her, just making small talk really, and the conversation is actually enjoyable. She's regaling you with crazy stories and she's a great storyteller. You're kind of envious of that.
As the months pass you see her around more often. In fact, she's slowly being integrated into your circle of friends. And if you were to be honest with yourself, you like having her around. Sure, she's kind of an attention hog and she says stuff sometimes that make you pause and scratch your head ("Did you know that spaghetti was actually invented by the Ethiopians in 84 B.C.?" or "You can *totally* tell if a guy is packing by the size of his left knee cap. Trust me.") but she's a good time. You can tolerate her brand of crazy because, well, you're usually too drunk to notice. All you really remember is that she was there and you laughed a lot. That's enough for you.
You had debated with your friends over dinner which bar to head to for a nightcap. You pushed for that casual wine bar down the street, knowing that you could probably get a nice large table, split some moderately priced wine, and sit and talk with your friends as Johnny Cash played in the background. A nice quiet night with friends, you thought. Adult.
She wasn't on board. She got her way. She always got her way. Annoyed, you caved.
That twinge of annoyance would open the floodgates in your mind as to how horrible a person she actually was. She dragged the group to the cheesiest club in town where the boys wore tight black v-neck Armani t-shirts (you know, because if it's Armani than it's not *just* a t-shirt) or pressed, untucked, striped button-up shirts (as if untucking the shirt would hide the fact that they no longer had the metabolism to burn off all those beer calories), and the girls wore what can only be described as a one-piece bandana. Despite your crinkled nose and roll of the eyes, you went in to the deafening sounds of bass and Fergie. Remixing does not a Black Eyed Pea save.
She's a complete mess. She's barking at the bartender to the point that you feel compelled to make eye contact with him to offer your silent shrugging apologies. As she tumbles away from the bar with some neon concoction, you sheepishly slip the bartender another $20, hoping that your small offering will clear your conscience and make amends with the cosmos.
A song comes on. She screams a blood-curling scream. She throws her purse in your direction because she's accurately identified you as that girl. You're the one who will patiently wait this out and hold her shit. She's right. And you curse her under your breath for that.
Hours pass. You're back at the bar, scream-talking with the bartender, reveling in the fact that you are the only two sane and sober people in the club. You pat yourself on the back for your earlier tithe. A small price to pay for the safety net being offered by your new tattooed friend. You scan the room to try and find her.
You can't.
You check the bathroom, pushing your way past all the drunk girls, some leaning, some sobbing, all reeking of pathetic desperation, and call her name. Nothing. You walk outside. Nothing. You circle the club, peering into every dark and seedy corner, hoping (and not) that you find her. You shoot a confused look back to your tattooed bar minder. He shrugs and shakes his head.
You're over it. You're going home.
You rest your head against the bolster of the cab, chiding yourself for even being worried. She's an adult. Whatever. But you're worried. You're still worried as you slowly walk up your stairs and unlock the door. And you're still worried as you climb into bed to put an end to a pathetic night.
You wake up on your own accord in the morning and attempt to piece together your night. As it slowly comes together you hear a faint buzzing. You ignore it, thinking it's just the hum in your ears from being subjected to that godawful excuse for dance music from the night before. You hear it again.
Oh, fuck. Her phone.
You burst from your bed and scramble to find her purse. You curse it because it is her only real connection to you right now and it's the reason you stayed at that damn club until closing time.
Hello? Hey. Where are...uh huh. Ok. No, I was there. I stayed until closing time. I looked for you. Yes, all your stuff is still here. Well I'm supposed to meet someone for brunch and I can drop it off lat--... um, ok. Well I guess I can drop it off now. Ok.
You cancel your plans and head out the door. As rude as she was and as inconvenienced as you are, you're just anxious and excited to do the exchange and get her out of your life. You pull up to her apartment and head to her front door. With each step you wonder how someone can be this inconsiderate? This selfish? This impossible? This tactless? This unreasonable? This...dumb?
And that's when you meet her mother. And after she chides you for abandoning her daughter alone at a bar on a Saturday night, calls you irresponsible and unfeeling, tells you her daughter could have been raped or killed because of you, demands you hand over the purse so she can count the money left in the wallet, and slams the door in your face, you stand there stunned into silence.
You can't win them all, JJ. Of course, all you really had to do was beat Dani and you would have single-handedly (with some help from Bojana) secured this rubber for Serbia and actually become the national hero that you have always imagined yourself to be in your own delusion. Alas. Dani came through to steal that tie, and then JJ and Bojana dropped the doubles match.
World Group II it is. Let's be fair, that's about right.
Leave it to the member of Team USA who didn't whine about Venus and Serena to be the absolute HOSS of the weekend. Bow down to Badass Bethanie, y'all. She secured two points for the US on the second day by winning her marathon singles match and then turning around to take the doubles over Lena/Alla.
Oh, yeah. Liezel was on that doubles team, too.
I love how Bethanie always looks like she's ignoring Liezel. She's like, the normal kid in chemistry class who has a super geeky/dorky/social misfit lab partner. You're just happy that class ended and you still have your eyebrows.
Bad. Ass.
The U.S will make their second straight Fed Cup final and will face Italy, this time on U.S. soil.
You know how all the talk at the beginning of the season was how 2010 was going to be awesome for the WTA because two of its big stars were coming back and they would add depth and intrigue to the game?
Yeah, fuck that shit.
Kim injured her foot over the weekend being all patriotic and shit. She's possibly out for six weeks, which makes her French Open campaign questionable. Justine broke her finger...uh...doing something. Let's just say it was tennis related and leave it at that. Because I rocked, what I thought was, a pretty hilarious fingering joke on Twitter and it went over like sand on ham. Though, it did elicit a "LOL" from Matt Cronin. What can I say? The Bay Area loves a good fingering joke. San Francisco values and whatnot.
Where was I?
Oh, right. Yeah, Kim and Justine are injured. At a minimum they'll both go into RG not 100%. It sucks. But Kim's taking it well.
Listen, Liezel. We get it. You're proud to be an American. On some delusional level (that you make readily apparent to everyone who will listen) you think that you are more "American" than born and bred Americans. I'm not saying you are or you aren't. I'm just saying that the fact that you even think this proves that at some point you fell down and hit your head on something very hard. Possibly repeatedly. I don't know. I don't know your life.
Your basis for this seems to be some idiot notion that because you appreciate America more, love the Country without apology more, and take every opportunity to wave your America flag, that God (who, incidentally, is American in case we all missed it) will let you through the red, white, and blue pearly gates before the rest of us.
Although let's be real. You're still probably in line behind Toby Keith.
But I have something to tell you, Liezel. And while I'm at it, Mel, pull up a chair.
If you guys want to insist on calling out Serena and Venus for their refusal to play Fed Cup that's fine. That's your prerogative. I think the Constitution thing says something about that. But there are consequences to what you say. And here are a few:
(1) You come off as an idiot. Though, really, Liezel, I'm not sure that can be helped even if you shut up about Fed Cup.
(2) You're pretty much guaranteeing that Serena and Venus will never play Fed Cup. Way to show them there's a "no grudges" team that's ready to take them in whenever they want. And where are you in all this, MJ? You're the one who is constantly in the press telling everyone that you want S&V to play Fed Cup. If that's true, lock your team down. These comments don't help shit.
(3) You shine a light on the fact that hmmm...in the most prestigious international athletic competition in the world, The Sisters Williams have fared pretty darn well wearing Old Glory on their backs. You've got...Fed Cup. With all disrespect: Point, Williams.
So here's a little lesson that I hope you, Liezel, and you, Mel, take to heart: MAYBE SERENA AND VENUS DON'T WANT TO PLAY BECAUSE THEY JUST DON'T LIKE FED CUP. It has nothing to do with love of country, patriotism, or loyalty and your intentional or unintentional attempts to turn it into that is distasteful.
They don't hate America. They just don't want to play Fed Cup. It's not rocket science.
Barca and Fed Cup. That's pretty much what you need to know for this week. And with Rafa out of Barcelona and Fed, Nole, Muzz, A-Rod, Delpo, Kolya, all out, well...I'm not convinced I'll really be paying attention to what goes on there.
Meanwhile, the ladies are having a pretty tough time getting to their Fed Cup ties because of that little volcanic action in Iceland. No really, a real volcano. I wasn't making a Bjork metaphor.
WORLD GROUP I Belgium vs. Estonia Ukraine vs. Australia Germany vs. France Serbia vs. Slovak Republic
WORLD GROUP II Spain vs. Poland China vs. Sweden Argentina vs. Canada Japan vs. Slovenia
Those are some interesting ties in World Group I. The Bondos play host to Sam and Rennae, the Germans will host Cone & Co., and good Lord, Team JJ will host Dani and Domi.
The first round of Fed Cup is over and after all the dust and thundersticks have settled we have the four teams we pretty much expected to advance.
Kudos to Team America for their surprisingly (at least to me) decisive win over France. Mels Bells clinched it in her opening match today over Julie Coin. Their reward?
Hosting Team Russia in the semifinals. On the, uh, broad shoulders of Sveta and Kleybs, Russia advanced after trouncing the dream (or nightmare, depending on your perspective) pairing of JJ and Ana in the decisive doubles match.
The day started with JJ engineering yet another three set come from behind victory over Sveta, only to see Ana crumble under the pressure of being a clincher. The kid came out nervous again, dropping to 0-4 in the first, before dropping the match 62 63.
Rough luck for Serbia, even rougher luck for Ana, who will surely have to endure some fun questions and commentary. But kudos to the Glitter Queen of Serbia, who put her money where her mouth was and pulled of a solid Fed Cup weekend. And her win over Sveta should give her some confidence.
If only that darned back would heal....
On the other side of the draw will be the Czech Republic at Italy. The Italians sealed their tie after both Flavia and Franny won their reverse singles to clinch 3-1. As for the Czechs, they had a surprise hero in Lucie Hradcka, who subbed in for a sick Lucie Safarova and beat Petkovic in singles, then teamed up with Kveta Peschke to win the decisive doubles match. It'll be a tough task to beat Italy in Italy on, I presume, clay.
This tie is a difficult one to get into. I'd expect the Czechs to come out on top, but who knows when you're relying on Lucie for anything. They're 1-1 going into Day 2, with Petra and ALG coming out on top.
Huh. I never thought A-Bond would get the upper hand on Franny in any situation. On the court, in a dark alley, at a bar, nowhere. So color me shocked that she didn't just beat Franny With A Fringe On Top (I honestly have no idea how my mind works sometimes), but she beat her handily, 61 64.
Leave it to Flavia to right things for the defending champs, as she took out K-Bond 75 63. This tie is turning interesting though. If neither team can close it out in singles tomorrow it sets up an awesome doubles tie with the Bondos vs. Whoever Italy chooses to field. That could be entertaining as hell.
Speaking of entertaining as hell (aside -- I clearly have a subliminal obsession with hell as being an incredibly awesome place), Sodapop said there were Ukrainian cheerleaders at the match and they did a cheer to "Personal Jesus".
Anyway, I'm just waiting for one of them to close it out so we can get to the back alley knife fight.
In a hell of a performance by Team America (Fuck Yeah!), Bethany came from behind to beat The Cone in straight sets, and Mels Bells showed her now famous fighting spirit by beating Parmentier, 64 64. I mean, this is a really amazing result considering it was in France on clay, a surface that is not kind to the U.S.
But let's take a moment to ruminate on The Cone, shall we? She was up 5-2 in the first set. And lost it. She is now 0-6 in Fed Cup. She has yet to ever contribute a point to France's Fed Cup team. And it's not like she's lighting it up on the WTA ciruit, either. I know she's the highest ranked French woman who is willing to play Fed Cup, but what the heck is Escude doing other than looking super hot on the sideline? I mean, isn't there a problem if he and the FFT can't get Rezai and Mono to don the snooty French colors? Or perhaps the FFT doesn't give a shit. Which...is entirely possible.
Anyway, big ups once again to the American ladies and props to MJ. They're well on their way to the semifinals.
After Ana somewhat expectedly lost in straights to Kuz 61 64, it was up to JJ to salvage some hope for the home team.
And as an aside, can we just talk a minute about the hilarious symbolism of the color of their respective kits? JJ's in mensal blood red with the Serbian shield emblazoned proudly across her Wonderbra boobs. Ana's in...white. Hee.
Ok, some people love the spotlight. And then there are some people who *love* the spotlight. And then there's JJ.
She dropped the first set 46 (after 7 straight breaks of serve apparently), then, down 1-4 in the second, she would not lose another game. She ran the table to win 46 64 60. I mean, all I can do right now is snicker.
So the teams go into the second day tied at 1-1. If one of the Serbs can pull out a win tomorrow we'll get Ana/JJ dubs!!! Which should be awesome regardless of the result. Here's hoping Ana gets some redemption tomorrow.
Notably absent: Uh...all of Russia, The "real" Belgians, The Williamses, The Golden Flowers, Sabine, and Gisela Dulko. And it still cracks me up that Mono isn't on France's team.
World Group I
Serbia vs. Russia
aka "This week, on LOST..."
Saturday - Play starts at 16:00 (15:00 GMT)
Ana Ivanovic (SRB) v Svetlana Kuznetsova (RUS)
Jelena Jankovic (SRB) v Alisa Kleybanova (RUS)
Sunday - Play starts at 14:00 (13:00 GMT)
Jelena Jankovic (SRB) v Svetlana Kuznetsova (RUS)
Ana Ivanovic (SRB) v Alisa Kleybanova (RUS)
Ana Ivanovic / Jelena Jankovic (SRB) v Vera Dushevina / Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (RUS)
Ukraine vs. Italy
aka "Aw, hell no! I did *not* leave the South Side for this!"
Saturday - Play starts at 13:30 (11:30 GMT)
Alona Bondarenko (UKR) v Francesca Schiavone (ITA)
Kateryna Bondarenko (UKR) v Flavia Pennetta (ITA)
Sunday - Play starts at 13:00 (11:00 GMT)
Alona Bondarenko (UKR) v Flavia Pennetta (ITA)
Kateryna Bondarenko (UKR) v Francesca Schiavone (ITA)
Mariya Koryttseva / Viktoria Kutuzova (UKR) v Sara Errani / Roberta Vinci (ITA)
France vs. United States
aka "Yeah, have fun, Cones..."
Saturday - Play starts at 13:30 (12:30 GMT)
Alize Cornet (FRA) v Bethanie Mattek-Sands (USA)
Pauline Parmentier (FRA) v Melanie Oudin (USA)
Sunday - Play starts at 13:00 (12:00 GMT)
Alize Cornet (FRA) v Melanie Oudin (USA)
Pauline Parmentier (FRA) v Bethanie Mattek-Sands (USA)
Stephanie Cohen-Aloro / Julie Coin (FRA) v Liezel Huber / Bethanie Mattek-Sands (USA)
Czech Republic vs. Germany
aka "The tie no one cares about because I can't find any pictures."
Saturday - Play starts at 13:00 (12:00 GMT)
Lucie Safarova (CZE) v Anna-Lena Groenefeld (GER)
Petra Kvitova (CZE) v Andrea Petkovic (GER)
Sunday - Play starts at 12:00 (11:00 GMT)
Lucie Safarova (CZE) v Andrea Petkovic (GER)
Petra Kvitova (CZE) v Anna-Lena Groenefeld (GER)
Lucie Hradecka/Kveta Peschke (CZE) v Kristina Barrois/Tatjana Malek (GER)
World Group II
Poland vs. Belgium
aka "Wait...that's not Ula..."
Marta Domachowska (POL) v Yanina Wickmayer (BEL)
Agnieszka Radwanska (POL) v Kirsten Flipkens (BEL)
Sunday - Play starts at 12:00 (11:00 GMT)
Agnieszka Radwanska (POL) v Yanina Wickmayer (BEL)
Marta Domachowska (POL) v Kirsten Flipkens (BEL)
Klaudia Jans / Alicja Rosolska (POL) v An-Sophie Mestach / Sofie Oyen (BEL)
Slovak Republic vs. China
aka "Why does Domi have to ruin everything?"
Saturday - Play starts at 14:00 (13:00 GMT)
Dominika Cibulkova (SVK) v Xinyun Han (CHN)
Daniela Hantuchova (SVK) v Shuai Zhang (CHN)
Sunday - Play starts at 13:00 (12:00 GMT)
Dominika Cibulkova (SVK) v Shuai Zhang (CHN)
Daniela Hantuchova (SVK) v Xinyun Han (CHN)
Dominika Cibulkova / Daniela Hantuchova (SVK) v Xinyun Han / Shuai Zhang (CHN)
Australia vs. Spain
aka "Huh. You guys are in World Group II?"
Saturday - Play starts at 18:00 (07:30 GMT)
Samantha Stosur (AUS) v Maria-Jose Martinez Sanchez (ESP)
Casey Dellacqua (AUS) v Anabel Medina Garrigues (ESP)
Sunday - Play starts at 16:00 (05:30 GMT)
Samantha Stosur (AUS) v Anabel Medina Garrigues (ESP)
Casey Dellacqua (AUS) v Maria-Jose Martinez Sanchez (ESP)
Alicia Molik / Rennae Stubbs (AUS) v Nuria Llagostera Vives / Carla Suarez Navarro (ESP)
Estonia vs. Argentina
aka "Wait. Estonia???"
Saturday - Play starts at 12:00 (10:00 GMT)
Maret Ani (EST) v Maria Irigoyen (ARG)
Kaia Kanepi (EST) v Paula Ormachea (ARG)
Sunday - Play starts at 11:00 (09:00 GMT)
Kaia Kanepi (EST) v Maria Irigoyen (ARG)
Maret Ani (EST) v Paula Ormachea (ARG)
Maret Ani / Kaia Kanepi (EST) v Mailen Auroux / Aranza Salut (ARG)
Honestly, it ain't much. But as a quick recap, in addition to the World Group ties which take place this weekend, loads of teams from around the world are competing in a Round Robin format to get a chance to gain promotion to the World Group. Basically, the teams that finish at the top of these zonal ties (by advancing out of the Round Robin play and winning their playoffs this weekend) will get a chance to gain promotion if they can beat the teams who lose their World Group II ties this weekend.
Totally simple, right? So with that in mind, here's what I can figure out:
Boots' Danes look out of it. They've already dropped two of their three RR ties.
A Vika-less Belarussian team is still in the hunt (I think...) but they're up against Great Britain today, who are also 1-1 and need to win to have a chance at the playoffs.
A Burrito'd Portugal got shellacked and probably won't be advancing.
Teams that seem to be in the clear for this weekend's playoffs: Europe/Africa: Switzerland, Romania, Slovenia, The Netherlands, Sweden, Hungary, and Austria. Americas: Canada, Brazil, Colombia, Paraguay. Asia: Japan, Korea, Thailand.
Yeah, that's all I got. Seriously, the Fed Cup site doesn't make it easy to figure out where everyone stands.
- “I slept from Miami to Zurich and was then awaken by hard turbulence.
Everyone was frightened. I don’t fear flying on a plane, but I must
admit this one was a real scare. Luckily it all ended well. I just hope
there is no jet lag effect on me. I respect the Russian team but I
believe in my own strengths and that’s what is most important for me
now,” said Jankovic.
JJ then reflected on the nature of her injury.
- “I didn’t want to make a fuss out of it. I used a painkiller cream
during some matches at the Australian Open. The injury is not at all
naive, but I think I will recover soon. I am still not fully fit, but
I’m playing no matter what, and I hope it’s enough for us to beat
Russia,” said Jelena.
Only a few hours after tweeting this pic (um...it's a mango sign...she says), Vika was forced to retire at 0-2 in the third in her rubber against Austria, citing a sore throat. But Miguel Seabra (the commentator for Eurosport Portugal, apparently) tweeted that she was woozy, looked like she was going to faint on court, and speculated the weather change from Australia to Portugal might have something to do with it.
Is Vika the Nole of the WTA? The fiery kid with loads of talent who keeps falling ill or suffering from fitness issues at the most inopportune times? It's so curious. She seems fit and has a trainer traveling with her.
The injury helps team Britain though, as they're set to face Belarus tomorrow.
