Forty Deuce

Smile Like You Mean It

Dina's in Slovenia and doing the rounds in preparation for next week's Banka Koper Open.


And all jokes aside, she looks rested, relaxed, and ready to go. 

Of course, five seconds after this picture was taken she had to endure a 15 minute tirade from Mats Wilander about what a horrible excuse for a Safin she is. 

So...things changed.

"Never you mind. A guy got to sometimes."

Sometimes, you just gotta put Lennie out of his misery.  And if you're a good friend, you do it quickly and mercifully. 

Venus is a good friend.  Maybe she'll buy Dina a puppy after the 1 and 0 drubbing.  Or maybe she'll just tell the media to back the fuck off of Dina.  I think I prefer the latter:

Q. This isn't your fault obviously because you played really well, but it's embarrassing for women's tennis to see the No. 1 destroyed in that way, isn't it?

VENUS WILLIAMS: Why do you put it like that?

Q. You played very well.

VENUS WILLIAMS: Are you trying to be down on women's tennis?

Q. I'm trying to be down on the way that Safina is the world No. 1 representing women's tennis.

VENUS WILLIAMS: So you're trying to be down basically.

Q. Not on women's tennis, no.

VENUS WILLIAMS: Okay, because I don't deal with down at all.

Q. It's not down.

VENUS WILLIAMS: I'm just making sure you're not trying to be down, because I respect Dinara Safina immensely, and I think you should, too.

Q. I do.

VENUS WILLIAMS: Thanks.

So Dina gets drubbed by Serena on Serena's best surface.  She also gets drubbed by Venus on Venus' best surface.  Hmmm...who did Dina beat on her best surface this year?  Oh yeah, Venus, not to mention Serena last year in Berlin.  But yeah, let's just completely forget about that because the vaunted Williamses suck on clay. 

I'm just saying.  All this near-sighted SHE'S A HORRIBLE TENNIS PLAYER bullshit is getting so damn old. 

"I Know What To Do, I'm Just Stubborn In The Head."

Gotta love Dina interviews. She's so honest (too much so sometimes) and it always ends in some kind of therapy session. Also, she can't go 5 minutes without mentioning Z.

Pic This: Va-JJ Edition

Go up and get it, Dina.


Am I drunk at a bar in hell right now?


I'm pretty sure Agi Radwanska can help you with that. She's got nothing but time.


You can do it, put your back into it, Racquet.


Mardy Fish?


Well, yeah.  Then don't bang your head on it, idiot.

Hmm...so many ways I can go with this.  Most of them involve calling Vika a tranny.  But since I'm classy and way better than that, I'm not going to make those jokes.  And shame on you for even thinking them.

You can't even see me, my road is so high.

God, I Love The Internet

Gotta love that they use the "IW smackdown" with the "When I can find the words, you teach my heart to speak" line.

This Is Getting Ridiculous.

From ESPN's Tennis home page:

With all eyes on the seemingly invincible Williams sisters, will Dinara Safina wash away her miserable Slam failures or crack under the pressure of the Wimbledon semis?

With a link to this article.

Hello!  EVERYONE THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO LOSE IN THE FIRST ROUND.  Now we're putting pressure on her to beat Venus in the semis?  Really?

Whatever, ESPN.

Boom Boom, Pfft.

Yup, this ugly sack of shit won despite serving 15 double faults.  Or, you know, more, according to her:

Q. Are you working specifically on the mental side of your game?

DINARA SAFINA: If I would work, I would not serve 250 double‑faults today, (laughter) because it's just my brain sometimes doesn't do the things that I have to do.

...

Q. Where did these 15 double‑faults come from?

DINARA SAFINA: 15? I thought it was much more (smiling).

Yeah, I don't know. Sometimes even I don't know what I'm doing with my serve. I mean, yesterday's match I'm serving the whole third set very good. Suddenly I warm up, I'm serving good, everything good, and suddenly I come and just... I think for the serve, it's not me there serving.

Because there I say like, Okay, go down, go up, do this. Then I toss the ball and I'm already by the fence running. I am just escaping the serve.

But seriously, nice gut out win by Dina.  No, it wasn't pretty, but she's a fighter and that's what she did again after dropping the first set.  She's now been to the semifinals of all of the last four Slams.  Not too shabby for the faux #1.

A really impressive run by Boom Boom but it she just ran out of gas today.  How else can you explain the fact that she can't even beat a fat ugly girl who served 15 double faults?  Can't wait to see what she can do during the hardcourt season.  That said, rest up, kiddo.  Your body is falling apart.

So Dina will face Venus in the marquee matchup of the semifinals. 

Well, if you like ugly people on your marquee.

Air Quotes: Ugh. Now You're Ugly *And* Cocky.

Q. Amélie just said that she thought that the ball was flying a little bit more once the roof was closed. Did you sense any change?

DINARA SAFINA: By me wasn't flying. Was flying in (smiling).

Pic This: "It's Business, It's Business Time..."

The BEST.DAY.EVER. started with a whimper and ended with a bang. 

We can't have it all, people.


Unless your name is Mirka.  In which case, you *can* have it all.

 
Um.  No thank you.


"You want a piece of this?"

It's official.  Tennis needs to have pre-match staredowns, a la boxing.  Because they are both awesomely intense and you never know if you're about to watch a sporting event or porn.  So, win-win!

Shhh!  Do you hear that?  Listen oh so carefully and you can hear the sound of a thousand blades of grass screaming.

Yes.  He did it again.  Oh, and FYI, reporters, "slapping the bull" is nothing even close to resembling "The Robot."  Come on.

Did anyone else think it was really inappropriate for the world feed cameras to be shooting Ana all gyno style?  Show some class, fellas.

Seriously?  What is this, 2002?


Yes, she won.  No I have no idea when she's due.


But what does it all mean....


Yeah, so I'm gonna need some of that in and or around the general vicinity of my JJ area.


Sometimes it's really creepy how much Andy looks like Judy.  Oh, and while I'm at it...

K.SEARS IS WAY HOTTER THAN B.DECKS!!! Suck it!


Yes, Tranny scares me.  But she has one of the most awesome "Win Smiles" in the game.  Pure joy.

 
Open your heart, Andy.  Let us in.

In an unfortunate setback for race relations, Venus and Serena double bageled Jay-Z & Co.  Thanks a lot ladies. 

So...you refuse to sign with a clothing company but an insurance company with a lizard mascot put together a deal that sounded appealing to you?  O...k....

Oh, Dina.  Inapporpriate.  In.a.propriate.  Besides, Momo has no idea what that means.

Whatever. You're Still Ugly.

Nice comeback from Ugly Girl.  Drops the first set to Momo and then goes on win the second and fight for the third in a 46 63 64 win.  Welcome to the quarterfinals on your worst surface, Dina. 

And thank you tennis gods for coordinating the awesome fuck you to the Wimbly organizers.  Dina gets dissed throughout the first week, being relegated to the outside courts because she's ugly.  So they finally give up the fight and put her on Center, sandwiched between two high profile matches (Fed and Muzz), presumably to give people a Pimm's break.  And what happens?

First match on Center Court played under the roof. 

Neener neener.

So Dina will meet Boom Boom next.  That's a tasty one.

Can You Say "Chocolate Cake" One More Time?

So I'm pretty sure this is the commercial I was destined to direct.

Air Quotes: If It's On A T-Shirt It Must Be True

Q. We saw Svetlana go out today. Obviously you're No. 1 because of your consistency. Is that something you're proud of, how week in and week out you're really there most of the time?

DINARA SAFINA: Of course. You know, I guess sometimes the people say, yeah, I'm No. 1, but I don't have a Grand Slam. But I'm always there. You know, it's not that you win one tournament and then you lose four first rounds, you know, and one by luck you can win.

I'm consistently there. I'm consistently doing my results. I'm sure if day to day like this, one day I will get the Grand Slam and nobody can talk anymore that I'm No. 1 without Grand Slam.

Q. Does that bother you?

DINARA SAFINA: Annoying. But what can I do? They keep asking this.

Q. You know what you can do. But do you think you can win here?

DINARA SAFINA: You know, everything is possible. There is nothing impossible in this.

"We're Still Cool, Right?"

Uh, yeah.  She won again.

And much to her relief, she's still got a friend in Kristin Flipkens.  Nice to see Dina smile.  Even nicer to her make it into the second week of Wimbledon. 

Now go ahead and lose, you big fat loser.

BFFs Cautiously Ramble On

Are there any two women on the tour who stare at their players' boxes more than the BFFs?  Doubtful. 

But whoever is in those boxes sure does help.  Ana struggled early against Errani in the first befor reeling off 10 of the last 11 games for a 75 61 win.  Unclench, kid.  Unclench.

Bee Tee Dub, Adam Scott was apparently in her box again today.  I can't personally verify that but it seems to be common knowledge.

Dina played pretty well in her 63 75 win over De Los Rios.  She'll face Flipkins next and she's hoping she doesn't lose a friend over it:

Q. Kirsten Flipkens from Belgium says she is a close friend. She says you met first time in Tarbes. Do you remember this moment?

DINARA SAFINA: Yeah, we are good friends. I think she's a good person and a nice girl. Sometimes also it happens you have to play somebody who your friend against. But that's the sport. I mean, friendship has nothing to do. Once we step on the court, we want to play.

I mean, I hope it doesn't matter the result that it's not going to end up our friendship.

Oh, tennis gods.  You are hilarious.

In Defense Of The Bloc Party

Nice article from The Guardian calling out all the people who think the Russians and Serbs are "humourless" and "soulless":

There was a lovely moment at a tournament in the United States a few years ago when Vera Zvonareva of Russia was fretting over the thought that she might be overwhelmed by reporters who wanted to speak to her. In stepped the Australian Jelena Dokic, never one to mince her words. "I don't think you need to worry about that, Vera," she said.

The irony is that Zvonareva actually has plenty to say. Like many of the Russian women players and those fromall over Eastern Europe, there is a lot more to her than many other tennis players. She may describe her favourite food as "Russian soup" but she likes to read and is engaging on any number of subjects, while she is also combining her tennis with studying for a post-graduate diploma in international relations and economics.

The same goes for many of her compatriots. The French Open champion Svetlana Kuznetsova can be hard to stop when she gets going; another former Roland Garros winner Anastasia Myskina was famous for berating her coach and then boyfriend when anything went wrong – an entertaining, if slightly frightening sight – and the world No1 Dinara Safina, when she is in the mood, can be as amusing as her brother Marat Safin.

The Serbs Jelena Jankovic and Ana Ivanovic, both of whom grew up in the shadow of the Nato bombings in 1999, have been world No1 at different times in the past year and are equally intelligent and entertaining.

For all that, the old accusations are still regularly made that the Eastern European players are soulless, humourless and, in short, automatons. Either that or they are cold-hearted in the best Cold War traditions. At best it is a crass generalisation, at worst it is laughable, inaccurate and frankly ignorant.

Golf clap. 

Pic This: Around The Horn On Day 2

Day 2 pretty much followed the script from Day 1.  The top seeds played like top seeds, a few moments of heartburn, a few minor upsets.  But all in all, no major shakeups.

The Getty caption to this pic is "Jeremy Chardy serves to Andy Roddick during their first round match...", which...uh, no.  Still a rad pic though.

Momo will vanquish all that stand in her way.  Or...well...at least the one who stood in her way today.  Who knows what'll happen in two days.

Aw...how adorable.  She went ditched the black tape and went with the traditional off-white tape out of respect for Wimbly.  Or something.

And I'm pretty sure that if Martina saw this pic she'd cream herself.  Go Volley!Ana!

Commodus out of the shadows.

I shit you not.  Those are the lyrics to "One Moment In Time" by Whitney Houston. 

That hand belongs to Georgie Stoop, who also admitted to listening to Spin Doctors before taking the court.  Either Georgie Stoop is 40 years old or the early 90's just hit Britain.

Uh...ok.

JJ was complaining about her feet again today.  So go ANTA!

Seriously, Adidas has to be feeling pretty good about themselves.  That or they totally bribed all the photogs to not take pics of their athletes slipping on the grass.

To this day my parents still make fun of me because when I was a kid (and really, up until I was like 14) I always took pictures crouched down on one knee.  I have no idea where that habit came from.  But I'm fairly certain I have a childhood pic that looks exactly like this one.  Minus the racquet and ball.  But I think I was definitely in a skirt.  All class, baby.

Nice.  Why don't they just write "FAIL" up there and leave it up.

Don't Let The Pictures Fool You. She Won.

Sure, she won in straight sets.  But it was still a Safin on grass.

So, you know.  Things happened.

But I'm loving the Adidas kit.  Sure, the cut is boring, but Ad Dassler's company has done a great job selecting colors this year.  The red and white, while kinda medic-y, works.  It's bold while still respecting the Wimbly traditions.  I'm 50/50 on the sleeves but I'll go with it.

 

Pic This: No Words. None. Nada.

 

The racquet blocking the crotchal area was a choice move. 

As is, oh, EVERYTHING ELSE GOING ON IN THAT SHOT.

(Pics from DinaUpdates twitter feed)

"I Was Walking With A Ghost, I Said Please, Please Don't Insist."

Well it looked a little dicey there in the first, as Dina got 'sticked by Hantu, which apparently means "ghost" in Indonesian (thanks, tennislust!).  But the Dina did what she does and Dani did what she does and Dina won the next two sets, 64 63.  She'll advance to the semis to face Touchdown Tammy, who took out Flavs in three.  Boo, Flavs.  BOO.

(1) Dinara Safina (RUS) d. (6/WC) Daniela Hantuchova (SVK) 16 64 63
Tamarine Tanasugarn (THA) d. (3) Flavia Pennetta (ITA) 26 63 63
Francesca Schiavone (ITA) d. Olga Govortsova (BLR) 61 63
(WC) Yanina Wickmayer (BEL) d. Kristina Barrois (GER) 61 61

Pic This: Man, Dina's Looking *Rough*

Thanks to DinaUpdates for twatting this.

Thanks A Lot, AELTC

Wimbledon seeds have been announced and as expected, the world hates Dinara Safina and wants to prolong her nightmare.  Instead of seeding her third, or even second, they've made her the top seed ahead of Venus.  Now, pissing off Serena?  That's shooting fish in a barrel.  Pissing off Venus?  Yeah, I'd keep your head down Dina.  Because once again you're about to get blamed for shit that ain't your fault.  It's enough to make a girl want to pole vault right out of Center Court. 

Though knowing Dina she'd just slam into the roof anyway.  There's no getting out of this one, baby.

Also, I find it hilarious that they bumped Marat *up* 8 spots.  Have fun with that Maratski.

The one thing that I will give them credit for is bumping up Masha 35 spots to make her the 24th seed.  That's a solid use of the system especially given her results over the past 4 weeks.

Men:
1. Rafael Nadal (1)
2. Roger Federer (2)
3. Andy Murray (3)
4. Novak Djokovic (4)
5. Juan Martin del Potro (5)
6. Andy Roddick (6)
7. Fernando Verdasco (8) +1
8. Giles Simon (7) -1
9. Jo-Wilfried Tsonga (9)
10. Fernando Gonzalez (10)
11. Marin Cilic (13) +2
12. Nikolay Davydenko (11) -1
13. Robin Soderling (12) -1
14. Gael Monfils (14)
15. Marat Safin (23) +8
16. Tommy Robredo (15) -1
17. David Ferrer (19) +2
18. James Blake (17) -1
19. Rainer Schuettler (30) +11
20. Stanislas Wawrinka (18) -2
21. Tomas Berdych (21)
22. Feliciano Lopez (28) +6
23. Ivo Karlovic (31) +8
24. Radek Stepanek (22) -2
25. Dmitry Tursunov (27) +2
26. Jurgen Melzer (26)
27. Phillip Kohlschreiber (33) +6
28. Mardy Fish (24) -4
29. Igor Andreev (25) -4
30. Viktor Troicki (32) +2
31. Victor Hanescu (29) -1
32. Albert Montanes (34) +2

Women:
1. Dinara Safina (1)
2. Serena Williams (2)
3. Venus Williams (3)
4. Elena Dementieva (4)
5. Svetlana Kuznetsova (5)
6. Jelena Jankovic (6)
7. Vera Zvonareva (7)
8. Victoria Azarenka (8)
9. Caroline Wozniacki (9)
10. Nadia Petrova (10)
11. Agnieszka Radwanska (11)
12. Marion Bartoli (12)
13. Ana Ivanovic (13)
14. Dominika Cibulkova (14)
15. Flavia Pennetta (15)
16. Jie Zheng (16)
17. Amelie Mauresmo (17)
18. Samantha Stosur (18)
19. Na Li (19)
20. Anabel Medina Garrigues (20)
21. Patty Schnyder (21)
22. Alize Cornet (22)
23. Aleksandra Wozniak (23)
24. Maria Sharapova (59) +35
25. Kaia Kanepi (24) -1
26. Virginie Razzano (25) -1
27. Alisa Kleybanova (26) -1
28. Sorana Cirstea (27) -1
29. Sybille Bammer (28) -1
30. Agnes Szavay (29) -1
31. Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (30) -1
32. Anna Chakvetadze (31) -1

Seriously, Sam. You Can Speak Yourself. Or Not. I Don't Know.

Dina's thinly veiled offense that the interviewer didn't know who Yelena Isinbayeva is ridix awesome. And what does it say about me that I immediately imagined that if Isinbayeva was asked about Dina she'd respond with a "Who?"

Also, Hsieh-Su Wei is my new favorite tennis player.  Why?  "Because she's coo."

Pic This: The Thrill of Victory, The Agony of...Dinara.

 

Augh.  A lot of yin yang feelings. 

  

700,000% Sadness

As amazing as it is to see Sveta finally, finally, deservedly end her major title drought, today it's hard to see past this:

It's entirely too depressing to think of what must be going through her mind right now although, oddly enough, I did actually believe her when she said in her (horrible, tremendously depressing) press conference that she'll be fine for her next tournament next week.  She's so infamous for clawing her way back in matches when she's down-- at least to push things to a third set-- the mental block seems only to really grab and hold on tight in Slam finals.  Naturally, this one will probably hurt more than the other two: at RG last year, just getting to the final was an amazing accomplishment for her, at AO (besides the mental block) the food poisoning she got hit with the day before probably would have made it impossible for her to put up much of a challenge anyway.

Today will always be full of could have, should have, would have for Dinara, though.  There was no reason to believe that she couldn't have at least made this an actual match.  Sure, losing a tough match to Svetlana would have hurt, too, but not like this.

It's clear that something's not right in her head when it comes to Slam finals, and it's clear that something needs to change to give her a chance to give herself a chance.  It's not as easy as "just believing", and it's not as easy as "get a new coach".  I mean, this year, counting Hopman Cup, Dinara's played in 10 tournaments and been in 7 finals.

10 tournaments.  7 finals.  

So, uh, something's going right.

For that reason, and that reason alone, I don't think firing Zeljko is the answer.  95% of the time, their relationship works for her.  But that 5% gap is the most important one, so here, humbly and pointlessly, are some suggestions (read: venting):

1. Learn to trust someone other than Zeljko: Seriously, sometimes you'd think he's her own personal cult.  He's just a tennis coach, Dinara.  And, according to Ivan Ljubicic, an all-around quality guy.  That's great.  But he is not omniscient.  Really.  Say it until you believe it.  Which leades me to...

2. Get a sports psychologist: Hey, don't knock it 'til you try it, right?  And no, Dinara, despite his status as keeper of all your secrets, Zeljko is not one.

And...

3. Get a serve coach: Wacky idea, right?  But she's 6'3".  There's no reason 40% of her serves should be dumping in the net.

4. Use your next three tournaments to experiment: s'-Hertogenbosch, Wimbledon, Portoroz.  Two international level tournaments and her least favourite Slam where she's only defending 3rd round points.  Don't worry so much about winning, use each match to concentrate on executing a few specific things.  Take the speed off the serve a little and make getting it in as often as possible the goal until she starts to have confidence in something that simple.  Vary the game a little bit-- concentrate on staying inside the baseline as much as possible, make a point of coming to net.  She's got a doubles Slam and she was a top 10 doubles player less than a year ago.  She's not incapable of variety.  Which brings on...

5. Play more doubles: Has anyone else noticed that as soon as she stopped playing doubles (USO last year), her singles game almost immediately tightened up?  And that when she started playing doubles again (Rome this year), she started to look a little more relaxed?  It gets her out on court in matches, but not particularly important ones, where she can play around with her serve, play around with some variety, be on court and strategize with someone else but without Zeljko.  Which, painfully, brings me to...

6. Wean self off of Zeljko: She's obviously perfectly capable of playing without him.  In the past 12 months that's gotten her to 3 Slam finals and a semi.  It seems more emotional than strategic.  You're a big girl, honey.  You've been playing tennis for 20 years.  You really can think for yourself.  On-court coaching is optional, not mandatory.  Wean.  It doesn't have to be cold turkey, but wean.  This will make my YouTube life significantly less entertaining, but hey, we'll always have Sydney.

And finally, speaking of Zeljko...

7. Calm him the fuck down for Slam finals: Look, so him kvetching and moaning in the stands works almost all the rest of the time.  But it's clearly not working for Slam finals.  While she's on court experimenting with staying in the baseline and volleying and generally not going crazy, it would be nice if he could experiment with some general supportiveness and not reemphasizing what is clearly already her worst habit-- focusing on the negative.

The most important thing in the extreme short term, though, is for her to have had someone around to give her a big hug and tell her she is still a great tennis player.  Pick up and dust off, Dinara.  Cry your eyes out for a day and a half and try to move on.  It's the only choice you've got.

We'll Still Be Cool After This, Right?

Looks like the weather has cleared up and we'll actually get the All-Russian Final that no one wants to watch. 

These two crack me up.  Go Tennis!

What Else Would You Like To Fuck, Dina?

Air Quotes: 2 Cool + 2 B = 4Gotten

Q. Just you and Dinara go back a long way. Can you just talk about when you first met her? You're the same age.

SVETLANA KUZNETSOVA: Oh, yeah. This story goes way back. I was like 12 or 13, and Dinara was unbelievable girl. She's one year younger than me. I had no chance playing against her. I remember I lose to her 6‑1, 6‑Love or something, but it was no chance.

I used to be girl from St. Petersburg, she was Moscow and her mom is huge coach who been coaching her. I mean, she was No. 1, No. 2, always great. I don't even know what number I had.

But then I talk to her. I said, Dinara, do you remember something? She goes ‑‑ or whatever. We talk about it. She says, Yeah, I remember you coming with rock shirt, because I was big fan of the rock band, and with big bottle of Coke to the match.

It's fun, you know. She tells me back then this is what she remembers. 

The Way It Was Meant to Be

Is there any more perfect way to end the clay season than with a French Open final between the two players who've shared the major clay titles?

Both of them have had amazing tournaments, dominating their first four rounds and coming through tough matches with harder opponents.  I know a lot of people wanted the Serena/Dinara ultimate showdown, and that would have been a just finale in its own way, but for this part of the tennis season, this really has to be the best ending-- the year's two best clay court players battling it out for the biggest clay title of the year.

It may not be a great match-- Sveta's had three 3-setters in a row, Dinara's sick, and they've both got a touch of the cah-razy.  But it's a great ending to Roland Garros.

There Will Be Blood

So Dina takes on the Jack Rabbit tomorrow. 

In case she needed extra motivation for the match, I give you this walk through memory lane*, starring Dominika Cibulkova, Destroyer of Childhood Dreams:

Vengeance will be mine!

*Just read through the comments. Good times at 4am on a chilly January morning.

Pic This: It's All About the Angles

The bad news?  You lost your match.  The good news? The FFT would like to put your work "Racquet Sculpture" on display in the Roland Garros on-site museum.

Has anyone else ever noticed that every single match she wins, there's at least one picture of Dina like this, pigeon-toed beyond belief?  Adorably awkward, but my knees and hips hurt just looking at it.

Why why why does anyone ever want these people's sweat-soaked towels and wristbands?  It is seriously one of the most disgusting things I can think of.

Erm... scary.

Just really liked the way this one was shot.

It took me awhile to figure out what this one was: Victoria Azarenka, as seen between the legs of a linesman.  Uh... okay.

Andy's left arm/shoulder look seriously whack here.

Player and Racquet: A Study in Three Parts

Finally, Normalcy Is Restored in Safin(a)land

She needed a tough match.  She got one.  There was some of this...

... and some of this...

... and finally some of this...

I love how she always looks kind of sheepish when she wins a match like that.

Vika came out and took more games off Dina in 23 minutes than Dina had previously lost in the entire rest of the tournament.  It was ridiculous, who serves 93% and has 1 unforced error?  That's not normal.  All credit to her, though, it was one of the cleanest sets of tennis I've ever seen.  It was also entirely obvious that she wasn't going to be able to keep it up, but when you've gotten in a Safin's head, you rarely have to keep being perfect in order to win.  Dina looked a little shocked, as if perhaps skipping directly from a first-round quality match to the quarterfinals was a step or 18 too far.  If it were Marat, Vika would have won in straights.  (Okay, mental image.  Hilarious.)  However, it was Dinara, so it all ended like this for Vika:

(Dance Recital Fail)

Way to keep it together, Dina.  Also, how awesome is it when she wins a match and her press conference is all "Urrrrrrrghhhhhh... I suck!"  Pretty fucking awesome.  Ha.

Pic This: Good Things *Did* Happen Today.

Here's the thing.  As much as it sucked that Rafa lost at least now we have an interesting tournament on the men's side.  I honestly have no idea how thing's are going to shake out.

Must be weird to actually have the Parisians on your side.


Kolya's got your balls.  Tough for Fer.  Really thought he'd make a run here.

 
Nice to see Muzz saluting his fallen Falcon friend and rocking the White Hat of Dorkitude. 
And looking hot in it, I might add.


Ruh roh.  Dina's beauty salon is open for business.  Kid's getting ready for her closeup.


Show me where the bad man touched you, Marin.


Well, Viko, have the lambs stopped screaming?


At first I thought this pic was stitched together.  Something about it looks surreal.


Nice to see Jay-Z still in the tourney, even if for dubs.  Lavender Jie has a calming effect on me.


You *should* hide your face, Agnes.  That was just sorry.

Bizarro Week Flummoxes Carrie: WTA Edition

Okay, so, it has to be done.  We all know it.  Think of it as ripping a Band-Aid off.  Do it fast and don't think about it anymore.  So, as fair warning, I will cover the matches in the following order, in what I think is the order that FDers would prefer to read about them.  This way, you can see the least offensive one first, and then if you want to comment, just click and scroll to the comment box without even looking at the other ones.  At least... that's how I'd do it.  So: Dina/Aravane, Masha/Nails, Domi/Agnes, and then... well, you know.  Just up front, I only saw Dina/Aravane and That Other One.

(I'm trying, y'all.  I am.  I don't know what to say about any of it either.)

Dinara d. Aravane: Yeah, this one still fits into Bizarro Week, IMO, because I still am not convinced that (Pavs match aside) Dinara's been playing all that well.  Today her serve percentage dipped and she had a negative winners/UE ratio.  Still, it's obviously impressive that she can play at maybe 70-80% and absolutely demolish people; it's been a good show and points to some real mental maturity on Dina's part.  Aravane tried to whack the ball around, but Dinara seemed content to put the ball in play and draw the errors from her, showing a patience that she didn't previously possess.  She said in her presser that she knows she can play better, and she thinks she will once she is really pushed by an opponent; she's an experienced (if inconsistent) competitor and seems quietly confident at this point.  Still, the possibility is out there that not having been challenged thus far will hurt her when she needs to step up-- presumably in the quarters against Azarenka, who's been plenty tested and come through.

Masha d. Nails: From the stats, this match looked kind of messy, and no wonder: the "Cow on Ice" who's still not really in match shape, vs. Nails, who is not exactly a clay court specialist herself.  But all credit to Maria-- even not being a fan, it's impossible not to admire her for gritting her way through this tournament.  It's not been easy, and it's not been pretty, but there it is.  Every time I think that she'll surely lose her next match, there she is, so I'm sure she could not possibly be happier with how her first Slam back has gone.

Speaking of not easy and not pretty... (Yes, people, I am handing you the "not easy" joke.  I know people need coping mechanisms.)

Domi d. Agnes: If Masha/Nails looked messy from the stats, this one looked like an absolute disaster.  A combined total of 66 UE and only 17 winners?  Ouch.  Without seeing it, all there is to be said is that they both must have been nervous wrecks.  And of course Agnes having a post-big match letdown is nothing new.  Anyway, not a trainwreck anyone wants to stare at for long.  Moving on...

Yeah.  Sorry.

Vika d. Ana: Vika played well, especially in the first set and a half.  Her serve percentage was somewhere in the low 80s, which is obviously excellent.  But the major story was that Ana looked terrified.  Despite her impressive play in the 2nd and 3rd rounds, today she looked as if-- once matched against an opponent who was a real threat-- she had absolutely no belief that she could control the match.  She had some spots of good play, particularly in the first half of the first set and the last half of the second, and there were some excellent rallies in those portions of the match.  But mostly, she looked scared.  Tentative shotmaking, overhitting, that toss... it's heartbreaking to watch an athlete who's obviously battling herself as much or more than she's battling her opponent, and that's what Ana looked like today.  As for the reports of neck pain and dizzyness, hopefully it's nothing serious and can be taken care of relatively quickly.  

See?  Not so bad.  I hope.  And now it's done.  Move along, everyone.

Question: Is Dina Ever *On*? Methinks not.

Dina's interview with Bill McAtee on French Open Tonight.

Like I said on my Twitter feed the other day, it's like watching a prosecutor exam a bored 8 year old. Awesome.

Pic This: So What'd I Miss During My 72 Hour All Nighter?

It's a good day to be Agnes.


We get it.  You're *so* pretty.  Stop.


Something about Pavs is very Mini-Dina.  I can't stop lolling.


Suspect.


Jesus!!!


Devil. 

They are often dressed the same.  Some might argue they have the same sponsor.

Yeah, wrap you little heads around that one, kiddies.  Suck it, C.S. Lewis!


"Pass the dutchie 'round the left hand side, Pass the dutchie on the left hand side."


Show off.


Man.  The 'coon eyes need to go.


Oh, look at you pounding on your heart.  I just want to give you a noogie.


Ana.  Tongue.  Wrinkly Sausage Finger Man Hands. 

You're welcome, boys.


Masha/Dina semis?  Masha/Ana semis?  The world is your oyster.


Gilles Simon: The Daniela Hantuchova of the ATP.  Wear some bike shorts or something. 


I want to go to there.  Minus the RogerSex.  But otherwise, YES.


I'm going to pretend that's Mo in the chair.  Because that makes it 700,000% awesomer.


Never Forget.

Dear Pavs: You're Hired.

God, she's adorable, what with the headband and the matching nail art and the general cuteness.

Anyway, Pavs, it's official.  You're on the payroll.  Dinara needed a match with someone who was willing to go toe-to-toe with her, and you gave it to her (okay, at least you gave her a set).  She needed someone to make her realize that playing 9 feet behind the baseline is a crappy strategy, and you fed her dropshots and short balls until it hammered through her thick skull.  She needed someone who was going to force her to step her game up from where it had been languishing in idle, and you did.

(Ha!  Adidas matching.)

Poor Pavs.  She threw the kitchen sink at Dina in the first set, even had a positive winners/UE ratio, and still lost it 6-2.  It was sad to watch her collapse in the second set, at least until she stepped it up at 0-5.  First set she was willing to try anything, second set she looked like she didn't believe there was anything she could do that would work.  Hopefully she and her braces and her headband can get back on track for some solid wins over the summer, I just love how plucky she is.

Dinara, for her part, finally seemed to process that playing "her game" is all well and good, but sometimes your game needs to incorporate things other than running around 3 meters behind the baseline.  It seemed to click late in the first set and she never looked back.  The other sign that her head finally came together, at least for today, at least for this match?  No searching for Zeljko between sets, games, points, shots, or other discernable tennis units.  Good for her.

And as far as I'm concerned, Pavs, if Dinara ever needs a practice partner, you're welcome anytime.

Pic This: Cloudy With a Chance of HoYay

Nom nom nom.

I understand, Jo.  It's overwhelming me a bit, too.

Sad face x 1000.  Poor Jelena.

Smiling, watching the match, relaxed even though her man's in trouble, not on the Blackberry... I dunno, pregnancy agrees with Mirka.  Not to mention, her hair looks fantastic.

Coolness.

I dunno, the size differential cracked me up.  Come on, Serena's not that tall.  What are VRP's stats, is she 4'11" and 70 pounds?

How great umpires are born.

Yahoo tells me this was at RG today and I'm going to choose to believe them, because puppehs are awesome.

And, finally, by popular request...

LOLZ.  That is all.

Callin' Out.

All credit to ESPN for calling itself out.  From their 5 things we learned today feature:

1. Dinara Safina is playing like the favorite: Through two rounds she has lost a total of exactly … uh, two games -- in less than two hours. The No. 1-ranked Russian rolled qualifier Vitalia Diatchenko 6-1, 6-1. Since she ascended to the top spot, Safina has won 16 of her 17 matches on clay. She got to the final here a year ago and made the Australian Open final earlier this year. This, clearly, represents her best chance to join brother Marat as a Grand Slam champion.

Safina's coach, Zeljko Krajan -- naturally -- was again disappointed in her play.

"If one day he's going to be happy, I think I'll finish my career," she said. "He's never happy. Even today, he's not happy."

2. And Ana Ivanovic is starting to play like the defending champion: There have been some dicey moments this year -- like losing in the third round of the Australian Open and her second matches in Miami and Rome -- but her form seems to be returning.

Ivanovic torched Tamarine Tanasugarn 6-1, 6-2 and she said she thinks she can repeat at Roland Garros.

"I do," she said, "and I worked very hard for it and know I have a game."

3. ESPN.com's "experts" asleep at the wheel: The four women tabbed by six ESPN.com writers as sleepers -- Amelie Mauresmo (2), Patty Schnyder (2), Sabine Lisicki and Kaia Kanepi -- all lost in the first round. Sleepers, did we say sleepers? We meant to place them in the early-exit category.

"If Gulbis loses, I'm completely inept with my pre-tournament picks," said tennis writer Bonnie Ford, eyeing the scoreboard with disgust early in the day.

Ten minutes later, Ernests Gulbis -- Ford's male sleeper -- fell to Nicolas Almagro in four sets. What's the French word for inept?

"Incapable," said Ford, who speaks fluent French, explaining that the word is the same in both English and French.

4. Andy Roddick is the last American man standing: As a corollary to No. 3 -- and a public service, no doubt -- we are compelled to further mention that no fewer than four ESPN.com experts (who shall remain nameless) chose Roddick as their candidate for an early exit. With the loss by California native Robert Kendrick to Gilles Simon in the second round, 5-7, 0-6, 1-6, Roddick is the LAMS.

Did we mention that Simon and fellow Frenchman Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, who now appear to be in terrific form, were the other two early-exit choices?

Tapping Momo as a sleeper and Gilly and Jo as early exits weren't bad calls.  But Sabine?  Everyone knew she was pretty injured coming into RG.  Kaia Kanepi?  Uh...yeah...I don't know what that was about. 

But really, say it with me...ERNIE???

I guess I don't really understand how Bonnie Ford can be SO SHOCKED that Ernie lost.  My only guess is that while the rest of us are waking up in the middle of the night to watch Ernie lose ever so beautifully (though let's face it, he hasn't been losing beautifully lately) Bonnie's doing the smart and rational thing and sleeping. 

Pfft.  Weak humans.

Air Quotes: How Rude

Q. Do you feel that she's [Ana] capable of winning this tournament?

DINARA SAFINA: For what I am here?

Q. What's that?

DINARA SAFINA: For what I am here? I mean, you are telling me she can win this tournament, and for what I'm sitting here? I guess I also want to win the...

Q. Sure, but you were the finalist last year and she was the winner, so...

DINARA SAFINA: I don't know. We'll see.

Dina's Deli Service Expands; Now Includes Breadsticks

I guess since she sucks so bad at tennis, Dina needed a backup plan.  Looks like she's got one.  Baking is as good as any, people like to eat.

6-1, 6-1 in 55 minutes. The bad news for AKO is that Vitalia Diatchenko managed to get a hold and a break off Dinara, the good news, I guess, is that at least she dragged the match out a little longer. I'd never seen Diatchenko play before, and from the way she approached the match, I'd venture a guess that Dinara hadn't, either. I don't know, am I too hard on her? I feel like the only person who's not completely bowled over by her level of play so far. Nevertheless, serving 74% for the match and having a positive winners/UE ratio is pretty good. I guess. Diatchenko, for the record, has the wackiest serve ev-ah. Stand aside, Mono.

Diatchenko also apparently was out for two years with a shoulder injury, so well done to her for getting this far. She tried to take the ball early and has fairly good ability off both sides (two-handed on both... seriously, she's like the Mono X-Treme). At the end of the first set, she had one more winner than Dinara. Nevertheless, according to the Tennis Channel online streaming commentator, "One of the biggest problems Safina's [had] this match is her hair." 

Ouch.

Pic This: Dina's Deli Is Full Service

Day 2 and come and gone.  But it left us with some great Kodak memories.


Shirtless Kolya!

or...

Shirtless Kolya?


Augh.  I've totally been there, Igor.  You should probably switch to Dailies.


"Do you want them toasted with schmear?"



I don't know what was going on in Tammy's match vs. Camille, but it seemed like a dance party.


Seriously, Andy.  One size.  That's all I ask. 


Jeremy, you're borderline offensive, too.  I'm sure there's a way to wear Lacoste so that it fits.


Mmmm.  Pretty.

(A)KO

Poor Anne.

She really didn't play badly, certainly nowhere near the level where you'd expect someone to get double bagelled. An awful lot of those games went to 30-30 or deuce, sometimes multiple deuces. She had a great clay season coming into Roland Garros and even with an unlucky draw, deserved better than that. After all, Dina's had problems with players a lot worse than AKO.

But Dinara was just on a mission today. It wasn't her best performance by any means, but she did the most important thing-- she played the big points big. In the middle of the second set, AKO was up 40-0 on her own serve and the crowd went wild-- but a few minutes later, Dinara had heartlessly broken her once again. Sad for Anne, who really played well enough to win a few games, but an important start for Dinara, proving to herself that she can hold it together and decimate an in-form player.

In other news, Kleybs is out; Aravane's in; Kolya's through; Rafa is serving for the second set in a surprisingly close match (!!!) with a guy Justin Gimelstob assures us has "played a lot of Challengers"; The Burrito got bagelled in the first set by Melanie South; Stan's just into a 5th set against Devilder, and Venus is at a set all (!!!) with Bethanie Mattek, but up a break in the 3rd. The most stunning news from that match, of course, is that Bethanie is not the worst dressed player on the court.

"He was always positive." Really?

TTC's profile piece on Dina. Good stuff, though her weird blank stare into the camera makes me giggle.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Hmmm, what was that I'd said about not being all Dina, all the time? Oh well, promises are just air, people. Here's an interview with Marat and Dinara (see-- Safin Sibling Double Time, you don't want to miss that, do you?) done at what looks to be the Adidas party at RG. Conducted by none other than the extremely MIA Tatiana Golovin! (A little sumpin' for everyone. Or, at least a little sumpin' for Tati fans.) Actually, C Note dug this one up, but as Forty Deuce's resident DinaKAD + Francophone (skill set of the stars), I got to do the translation (after the cut).

The Buzz Around The Grounds

"Yeah. I definitely think Nadal is probably a big-time favorite."

-- Serena, in response to who the favorite is.

"And it's always a pleasure playing at Roland Garros - coming back here gives me a special sensation."

-- Rafa, on the chills that multiply when he comes back to RG.

“I was at the draw, so it would be hard to miss it.”

-- Baby E, in response to a reporter's question on whether she knew who her first round opponent was.  Unfortunately I'm positive this wasn't as snarky as it reads.

“I’m taking it a match at a time. I’m not putting any pressure on myself. I don’t have anything to lose this year. I’m more confident than I was a couple of weeks ago. I think that’s a step in the right direction.”

-- Serena, on her outlook going into RG. Tom Tebbutt reports that she was curt and vague and he thinks that there's some concern in the Serena camp.

“We’re a bit different persons, me and him. He can maybe practice one and a half hours a day and it’s enough for him. I’m a little more stubborn. I need to have like four hours on the court. He was like (telling me) ‘no, just practice half an hour and it’s fine for you.'  But now he doesn’t go into the tennis (with me). I think he respects me more now.”

-- Dina, on the worst tennis-related advice Marat ever gave her.

“The one thing I’ve done better this year is not to treat it as a completely different surface. And that’s totally changed my game-style. I still play the same way as I do on hard courts but I just need to move better, and I have done.”

-- Muzz, on *not* changing his tactics after Key Biscayne

"As world No 1 she's backed it up by winning the last two tournaments, in Rome and Madrid.  She's yet to win a Grand Slam, but she has proved she's the most consistent player out there. She puts herself on the line and you can't really argue with that. If someone competes well at the big tournaments week in and week out then they deserve to be where they are."

-- AKO, on whether her first round opponent deserves the #1 ranking. Pfft.  What does she know?

“I literally just walked out there 10 seconds before I got asked, ‘what do you think of the roof?’ I was like ‘I don’t know.'"

-- Muzz, trying to explain his awesome"it's a nice roof, compared to other roofs" quote.

“Carlos Moya, we all know he was a former No. 1 and winner of his Grand Slam here, he came up to me and said it was the best three-set match that he ever watched on this surface. Of course, all the people that have watched the match and have the opportunity to tell me something, they’ve all been saying positive things and comments regarding that match. So, I must be very proud.”

-- Nole, on the greatest compliment he's received since his 3 set heartbreaker to Rafa in Madrid.

“I feel good, a lot of control, much more control than Madrid. The feeling in Madrid was [that] the ball wasn’t inside the racquet, no? You touch the ball with the racquet and the ball go out of the racquet very fast and very early, no? Here the feeling is the ball stays here [again indicating inside the hitting area of the frame]. You can feel more the ball. But, yeah [the conditions] is heavier, and the ball too. My feeling is easier [for me] to play.”

-- Rafa, on home sweet Paris home.

"I'm not even listening to what people are saying. I'm just focusing on myself, just taking one day at a time. I don't think about what I want to happen in 14, 15 or 16 days' time. I live for today. Today I had a practice. That's all. Tomorrow is another day."

-- Dina, doing her best Scarlett O' Hara impression.

“I still believed in myself. I always worked hard and knew I was on the right path. But having to repeat yourself and explain yourself, wasn’t really fun. Sometimes you almost start to think about it being better not to play a tournament. You just want to train and do things without always being watched.”

-- Fed, doing his best Mr. Cellophane interpretation.

"I prefer shouting"

-- Muzz, on racquet thowing.  Thanks, Captain Obvs.

Pic This: Claymates

Pics from around Roland Garros. 

Given the gross grip on that Prince racquet, I think we all know who that is.


What's up with the blue and yellow, Adidas?  Are those going to be the summer colors? 
Also?  Shorts and Ana just do not get along. 


Who the hell is Flashman?



Game faces.


All of a sudden I'm craving beef jerky.  Mmmm....


And chicken wings.  Shit, I really need to get out of bed and eat lunch.


Please tell me she's wearing go go boots too.


Is it just me or is A-Rod wearing a shirt that almost kinda fits him?


Hey Muzz!  Get to the semis and then lose to Rafa 60 60 60 in 48 minutes, k? 
That's the gameplan.  Break!


Dude!  Stop it!


Roger's planning a Surfin' Safari, apparently.
 

Does that tape on her shoulder *really* do anything? 
All it seems to do is scream "HEY LOOK!!! I HAVE A BAD SHOULDER!!!"


Ah.  The backwards cap of dorkitude makes a triumphant appearance.


Gilles x 2.  I know this is super random, but I have always found G Mulls to be kinda cute.


The BunBand is back, folks.  Dina means business. 
And she's practicing more "Ecstasy on Clay" moves.


You're hot.  We know.  Stop it.  Or don't.  I don't know.


Only Jo's smile could distract me from the dead raccoon on his head.


Run, cameraman.  Run.  It's like fuckin' Cloverfield.

GOAT Coaching Timeout

So I promise I won't make all my posts All About Dina. But this one was too good to pass up.

Excuse My Croatian, But This Video Fucking Rules

I love Z and D, but what I love most about their exchanges is Corina's bemused uncomfortableness that accompanies any commentary about them.

Players Who Suck Take The Practice Court

How dare you show your face around these parts?  Loser.


I would kill for those legs.


I had to do a double take to recognize who this was. 


Gael is questionable for RG. He said he's hoping for a miracle in the next 6 days.  Then again he's such a drama queen, though, considering he's French, isn't saying much.


Aww...Americans on clay.  They try so hard but it still doesn't look right.


Pretty.


Anyone know what his shirt says? 

(Pics from RG website)

No, No, Yes, No, No

 
5 Storylines To Watch For During RG