Forty Deuce

Riding With Russians In Cars

Do you like Russian tennis players?  Do you like riding in cars?  Well then do I have a special treat for you.

Noleo, Noleo, Where For Art Thou, Noleo?

Look, I'm happy for DoucheStamp.  I really am.  You can't not be happy for a journeyman player who breaks through at a Slam, putting together quality win (Ferrer) after quality win (Gabs) after quality win (two sets down to Novak).  And his celebration was so joyous.  He's the Franny of the ATP.  Let's face it, she probably has a douchestamp, too.

But what of this kid?  Up two sets and a break he once again, as he has done throughout the tournament, lost his focus and let his opponent back into the match.  Only this time, he didn't get away with it. 

I suppose people will be talking about this call.  With D-Stamp serving for the match in the fifth and down 0-15, Nole hit what looked like a forehand winner.  Bernardes called it out.  ESPN's Shot Spot showed the ball clipped the line.  To Nole's credit, and contrary to some idiot headlines, he didn't blame the call for his loss.  Nor did the call change his opinion that Hawk-Eye should stay the hell away from Roland Garros.  The bottom line is that he had numerous chances to break back in that game and he couldn't.  Meanwhile, Melzer the Veteran came out swinging, determined to "win" the game and not just let Nole lose it.

Sigh.  I feel like I've said this at every Slam of the past two years, but I hope the kid figures it out.  He used to be my absolute favorite player to watch.  Fluid game, effortless serve, amazing movement, intelligently aggressive counter-punching.  Now I can barely stand to watch three games in a row, regardless of whether he's winning, without wanting to switch to another match. 

Tennis is better when Nole's winning.  That's a fact.

And he's still #1 at post-loss net-exchanges.  I mean, it's nice to be #1 at something.

Have fun with this, D-Stamp.

You've Come A Long Way, Baby.

From this:

To this:

You did it!  Holy crap!  Ok, not really holy crap that you demolished Mischa in damp and slow conditions, 63 61 62.  

Uh...sorry, dude.  We still love you!

But holy crap!  You're into the semis and will play Sods for a spot in the final.  That match is going to see some hitting.

Team Berdych!

Required Reading: "I Really Do Want World Peace."

Very cool piece on the RG website on Rohan Bopanna and Aisam-Ul-Haq Qureshi.  Read it.

Pic This: RG Days 5-9 (I Have Some Catching Up To Do)

 

Please keep playing well.  We need your brand of crazy on a more regular basis. 

And I have a whole notebook full of poetry dedicated to you.  You're my muse!

Ah.  The irony of yellow.

 

Scuba!  Scuba!  Scuba!

 

Embrace your inner Techno.

 

No snark here.  I just found this series of photos sweet and Rafa's look at the end hilarious.


Glad to see there are still Rudolf Fekete fans.  Never forget!

"This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes."

It's Been Fun.

Oompa Loompa Doopity Doo
I have another puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa Doopity Dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me.

What do you do when you make the fourth round
Two days ago, Andy Roddick you downed
Will your big game hold up under stress
We want you to win so the tournament's douche-less.

Oh no you lost in straight sets.

Oompa Loompa Doopity Doo
You had a great run and we're all proud of you
Oompa Loompa Doopity Dee
Now we all know Crazy Gabashvili.

Gassed Out.

I always pretend that Nico is actually not Spanish.  I intentionally exclude him whenever I think about the Armada because he is the only member of the Armada that I affirmatively dislike.  Well, him and DB Chuck, but that no one considers that guy Armada anyway.  Anyway, I have no concrete reason to hate on Nico.  He just seems like a prick of the highest order, with his whooping and hollering and seemingly aggressive behavior towards his opponents and towards umpires. 

All that is to say, the Armada got slightly prickier today as Nico put an end to Fernando's epic (all the best and worst ways) clay court season.  I think we were all ready to take Fer out back and put him out of his clay court misery before RG even began but I'm bummed it had to come at the hands of Almagro.

As for Fer, what to say?  Everyone knows he should have never played Nice.  Hell, his schedule over the course of 2010  is exhausting just to read.  Who knows what would have happened if he hadn't played Nice.  But if you were to ask me a month ago if I thought Nico would be Fernando at RG, I would have laughed in your face. 

You Can't Be The Last Man Standing If You Can't Stand.

Jo was forced to retire down 2-5 in the first set to Mischa, due to a hip injury.  He'll get an MRI in the next few days to figure out what the deal is but early word is that it may be lesions in his hip. 

Quarterfinals?  You don't say.

ArmaDuh 2.0

A really rough day for the Armada, as JCF lost in five to Robbie "Wait, You're American?" Ginepri, and Daveed bounced in straights by DoucheStamp, who makes the fourth round of a Grand Slam for the first time of his 10-year career.  And Fernando was pushed to five sets for four hours by PEHK. 

I mean...JCF and Daveed are out?  OUT??? 

But...WHY???

A-Rod must be ordering a hit at T-Gabs seeing a how his portion of the draw just got ridiculously cake.

Pic This: Bye, Bros.

This picture is your parting gift.  And for that, I say thanks.

Air Quotes: Insane In the Membrane

Q. You have the reputation to be a little bit crazy. Does that bother you, or...
TEIMURAZ GABASHVILI: No, I like it. Why not? If nobody say nothing against me, it's bad. If somebody say against me, they very interested in me, so I like it.

Q. So it's true?
TEIMURAZ GABASHVILI: Yes, it's true.

Q. For those of us who don't know you, congratulations, first of all. What is the cause of this crazy reputation?
TEIMURAZ GABASHVILI: Thank you. I'm really aggressive. I was born in Georgia, so I have south blood mixed with north. They say it's very aggressive blood. Sometimes I go out of my mind even in the match, start screaming, you know, up and down always.

This my biggest problem, you know. That's why I know I can play very well tennis, but it was bothering me, you know. So maybe I was winning 3 1, and then it depends. I miss one crazy shot, Oh, shit. Then I lose it. That's why they call me crazy because of this.

Q. Have you ever been defaulted from a match for your behavior?
TEIMURAZ GABASHVILI: No, no, no. I don't behave bad. I mean crazy in the game, you know. Crazy way I play, not how I behave. I behave good. No, don't worry.

Q. Do you take advice from Marat Safin? Because you play a lot like him.
TEIMURAZ GABASHVILI: Oh, really? I didn't serve that much aces like him, no? I didn't make that much backhand winners like him, no?

I don't know. He had one of the best games if he was fit, you know. So it's very flattering to him. I wish to play like him, but I don't know. Not yet.

GabbaGabbaHey!

 

Oompa Loompa Doopity Do
I have another puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa Doopitee Dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

What do you do if you can't play on clay
Try every year and pretend that you may
American hope as the others all flee
You will go down to Gabashvili

He's a fucking qualifier.

Hee.  That was fun.  Sometimes you just have to amuse yourself.  I amuse myself by eating Twinkies at 5am and writing juvenile song parodies.  Teimuraz Gabashvili (ranked #114) amuses himself by qualifying for a Slam, completely zoning out and making Andy Roddick look like a chump on clay (64 64 62), and progressing to the fourth round of Roland Garros.  

I didn't see much of this match but from what I did see, YoGabbaGabba was off the chain and Andy just couldn't find the court or get any rhythm.  Gabs plays a hard hitting, low margin game, which really shouldn't work over the course of two sets let alone three (his match record for the year: 1-6).  But today it worked and the cold weather didn't help Andy either.

But super duper congrats to T-Gabs!  He seems like a genuinely nice guy and his celebration was adorable.

Bye Bye Gonzo

Ok, I'm just gonna say it.  Alexsander Dogopolov Jr., who ousted Gonzo today, is the ATP version of Agkul.  Boom.

Idiocracy.

So I guess that didn't exactly work out the way you planned, huh?

Credit to Fognini for fighting off a few break points and coming out of the gate ready to play a "who can win two straight games?" ordeal and both players stepped up to the line with an immense amount of pressure.  Of course, if you're the higher seed who's gracing magazine covers. playing at home in front of a home crowd, and who should have wrapped this match up over 24 hours ago, I'm going to go out on a limb and say your shoulders are a little heavier. 

Gael was ridiculous.  I honestly didn't know who I was rooting for in this match going into it.  On one hand, Gumby needed to be taught a lesson.  On the other hand, I kinda want Gael to play Fed.  And on that same hand, Fabio is uber gross.  Augh! [/katie]

And then, 3 points into the match, Gael was hunched over gasping for air.  And that's when I was like "Fuck, you, Gumby.  You're THREE POINTS IN."  If you want to play your ridiculous "style" of retrieving/pusher type game then don't fucking start wheezing THREE POINTS IN.  So weak.

And thus, I found myself in the really unenviable position of rooting for Eyebrows.  Ugh.  I gotta go take a shower.

 

Yeah, no shit, you crazy idiot.

Pic This: Day 4

Day 4 was wet 'n wild, but let's kick this off, Awesome Style.

You're too cute to play in the dark.  Thank God for suspended play.

Man, Flavia does not cheat on those net kisses.

That is a damn lot of limb.  

In Mother Russia, rain falls on you.  No, wait, that's the same.  Nevermind.

Balls of Steel: Mayer For a Day

Leonardo Mayer.

The unknown-to-most from Argentine came back from a set down to take out the hometown fave, Apricot Bars.  That's a pretty solid takedown.

You really didn't think I was going to give it to this guy, did you?  Though really, Sod looks fuckin' scary right now.  I don't like it.  I don't like it at all.

Scenes From a Clusterfuck

If you missed the experience of watching this thing go down live, I don't know that I can do it justice.

To be clear, Gumby should have closed this out in three sets.  There's no reason this should have gone five but hey, that's Gael for ya.  He wanted drama and entertainment, so he decided to create it regardless of whether it was in his best interest or not. 

Because Gael is nothing if not a giver.

But we found ourselves in a fifth set.  Because of the numerous rain delays throughout the day darkness began to fall.  At 4-4, after play had been stopped on all other courts, the tournament director came out to suspend play. 

The following is just my reading of what happened next.  Gael wanted to play on.  Fognini kinda didn't really but knew that if he was the one that put the end to it the crowd would go nuts and he would be painted as the bad guy.  After much negotiating, the tourney director let them play on. 

Fognini was peeved and started stalling for a few minutes.  Carlos Bernardes finally gave him a point penalty for delay of game.  So, serving at 0-15, to the sound of whistles and boos, Fognini somehow manages to hold serve after a long-ass game. 
 
The tourney director lets them play on even though, SERIOUSLY IT WAS DARK.  The ESPN commentators couldn't see the court from their booth and the only light on the court was from jumbotron scoreboard looming overhead.  Despite all this, Fognini found himself with immaculately groomed eyebrows AND 3 MATCH POINTS!  WHICH HE COULDN'T CONVERT!  Gael would hold and the match was finally suspended as Fognini stormed off the court screaming at anyone who would listen.

So they'll finish this match tomorrow, but there's enough schadenfreude to go around.  Gael was the one who wanted to keep playing and he found himself on the brink of losing.  Fognini's stall tactic basically wasted 6 minutes of time that might have made a difference in terms of light.  And the tourney director let them play on either at the request of his popular guy or because he wanted to get the match in the books to unburden Thursday's schedule, and now he finds people calling him a bonehead *and* he still has to schedule this for tomorrow.

Oh, France.  You so crazy.

Balls of Steel: Kimiko-Tan!

Introducing Balls of Steel, the Forty Deuce version of "Person of the Day", "Match Ball", whatever.

I mean, come on.  It had to be.  Because really, let's think about this.  Sure, Dinara totally collapsed and practically gifted the match to her.  But let's actually back this up.  Think about what Kimiko had to do to even be in the position to win this match.  She was a direct entry into the main draw at Roland Garros.  You know who wasn't?  Bethanie Mattek-Sands, Kaia Kanepi, Simona Halep, Monica Niculscu, just to name a few.  So just to get this first round match against Dinara, Kimiko has had to play well, and she has.  At 39 years old!  After a 12 year retirement!  On her worst surface!

And then there's this from Stephanie Myles:

Adorbz!

Also, she gives good presser.  Or, at least, adorable presser.  

So yeah, good on you, Kimiko-Tan.  You've earned it. [bows]

Honorable Mention:

This dude.  His name is Grega Zemlja from Slovenia.  He is ranked #141.  He has played 1 ATP Tour match all year.  He beat Pico in straight sets and now the ESPN commentators will have to figure out how to pronounce his name.  So...that's quite something.

And for everyone who voted for Mina, he was in the running for Honorable Mention.  Until he took that crap MTO down two sets and a break.  Not cool, kid.  Hope you learn to know better.

Pic This: RG Day 2

It was a warm on in Paris today.  And the heat brought out the crazy.

It's not so much that Feli likes to show leg, it's that his legs refused to be contained.

 

I'm flattered by the offer, but no.

Oh no you di'n't, JJ.  Allison will cut you.  She'll do it.

DonotlookherintheeyeDonotlookherintheeyeDonotlookherintheeye...

Fuck!  Too late.

More after the jump.

Denting Clay.

Just wanted to give a quick shout out to Taylor Dent, who beat Nicolas Lapentti in straight sets by serving and volleying and slicing.  And he clocked a 149mph serve, which apparently broke a record for the fastest serve at RG.  EVAH.

I found myself really rooting for Taylor.  I'm sure part of it is because of his volleyball connections (he's Misty May's cousin and she was one of my idols when I was growing up, and she's partners with Kerri Walsh, who I played against/with in high school), but I really enjoyed watching his backhand slice.  It was giving Nico fits.  

Oh, and Halpert won in straight sets and gave a great presser about the new generation of American guys' respect for clay.  I love that he and Sam are taking the surface seriously and not doing what the prior group of guys did, which was hang out at in the States futzing around until the very last minute, playing one clay warmup tourney, and half-assing it at RG, and talking shit about clay as a surface.  Good job, boys.

Janko Who?

A good day for Serbia as JJ cruised over Molik (sorry, Victoria), Viktor scored an upset over Tommy (sorry, Christina), Nole fought off Evgeny in four sets (sorry, Tracey), and Ana won in straight sets with her "C" game (sorry, NOBODY).

Pic This: RG Day 1

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood.  Walk with me.

Gisela!  It's singles!  Flavi's not there.  Focus!

"So what I'm gonna do is I'm going to hit more to his forehand, like high topspin, and push him back behind the baseline.  Then I'm going hit this shot, have you heard of it?  It's called a forehand drop shot.  Anyway, apparently it works on clay.  I just figured this out.  Yeah, I know, I'm brilliant.  So like I was saying..."

More after the jump.

UPDATED: Franzia For All.

Well that changes things a bit, doesn't it? 

Ernie, trailing 64 62 10, retired from his match with Apricot after sustaining a thigh injury early in the match.  So...the pressure's on you, Gael.

Perhaps the worst thing about Ernie's retirement is we get no Ernie pressers.  That is fucking bullshit.  

But in good news, Apricot is still fun to look at.

UPDATED: Quotes from Ernie:

Gulbis suffered the injury while reaching to return a serve in the second set. "I stretched my leg, my hamstrings, and I heard two cracks," he said. "I don't know why, so I'm going to go to MRI to hospital in 20 minutes and check it. I hope it's nothing serious, because it can be anything, but it's for sure a little stretch of the muscle.

Pic This: FD Yearbook

Best Smile.

 

Most Likely To "Just Be Breezy".

 

Most Likely To Smell Like Bong Water.

Most Likely To Bake You a Cake On Your 16th Birthday and Sit Dangerously on a Glass Dining Table With You.  Probably Drives a Porsche, Too.  Wears Argyle.  

Most Likely To Own a Flowbee.

See more after the jump.

Congrats. Now Get Your Collective Asses To Paris.

If you have a life and haven't listened to yesterday's FD Podcast, then you may not know that I am thoroughly convinced that Reeshie is going to bounce Moose in the first round of RG.  That trophy right there seems to bolster my argument.  Good on him.  Reeshie goes into RG on a wave of confidence, having won a challenger last week and winning Nice by beating Fer in three sets. 

So all that *and* you didn't get the title, FeVer?  Yeah, that was an awesome decision, Popeye.

 

Hey, have you heard?  Balkan girls like to party like nobody.  Especially in Warsaw.  Alexandra Dulgheru defended her Warsaw title by beating the entire Chinese Fed Cup team.  Keep an eye on her at RG.

And Masha claimed her 22nd title with a nice run at Strasbourg.  Not a lot of tough competition for her but hey, she's still the Cow on Ice.  Moo, baby, Moo!

And the Pico-led Argies beat America in Dusseldorf.  Pico, you are adorbz.

Now enough of this nonsense.  Get thee to Roland Garros!

See Ya, Fucko.

Odesnik banned for two years.  Whatever.  I've already forgotten about him.

ESPN: The Worldwide Leader In Sports

Ajde, Marko!

There's so much hilarity in this table.  But it begins with the Momo comeback and ends with Kaia Kanepi's banner 2010.

Thanks to @ataraxis00 and @jameslarosa for the head's up.

Dude. Go. Away.

DB Chuck, former French Open champion, suffered the worst beatdown of his career at the hands of Benjamin Becker, 60 62.  And seriously, it really could have been a double bagel.

Throw in the towel, homie.  Move on.

The Best of the Rest

As far as I'm concerned, if you beat Fed you should automatically win the tournament.  I just feel like those are the rules.  So congrats, Alberto. 

I had the lovely opportunity to meet Matt Cronin at Indian Wells.  Ana was playing Sevastova that night and Matt intimated (I'm being kind here) that Ana would have no problem with Sevastova.  I piped up and said I didn't think Ana would win the match that night because, well, she sucks, and Sevastova had just come off beating JJ in Monterrey.  Sure enough, the kid, who looks like she could be fellow Latvian Ernie's little sister, beat Ana easily.  Now she has her first WTA title in Estoril.  Keep an eye on her.  She could be a bracket buster.  Perhaps this year's Rybarikova?

 

Over in Munich, Mischa scored a solid win over Marin to take the title.  I don't know what's up with the lanky one.  I'm starting to think that's not actually Marin, but Mario.  He came out of the gate flying and has sputtered ever since leaving the continent of Australia. 

But yay for Mischa!  Champagne jizz for all!

Madrid: Sunday OOP

Madrid is bananas.  Gotta love joint tournaments.  Men's draw here, women's draw here.  Nole withdrew, bumping to Rafa to be seeded #2.  In fact, barring a disasterous showing, Rafa should be able to overtake Nole with the #2 ranking overall and head into RG at #2.  For those of us who want a Fed/Rafa final, this is a good thing.

Okay, I don't *want* a Fed/Rafa final, but you know what I mean.

There are so many insane early matchups that I got overwhelmed trying to do a draw breakdown.  But let's just say I'll be sitting with a hot pot of coffee for the Ana/JJ second rounder.

Oh, and Masha's back.  No big deal.

Manolo Santana (from 11.00hrs)
1. Maria Kirilenko vs. Agnieszka Radwanska
2. Maria Sharapova vs. Lucie Safarova
3. Justine Henin vs. Aravane Rezai
4. ATP: Ferrer vs. Chardy (NB 17.00hrs)
5. Stefanie Voegele vs. Venus Williams

Arantxa Sánchez-Vicario (from 10.00hrs)
1. ATP: Alcaide vs. Muñoz-de la Nava
2. Francesca Schiavone vs. Alizé Cornet (NB 11.00hrs)
3. Safina/Szavay vs. Amanmuradova/Hsieh
4. Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova vs. Daniela Hantuchova
5. Ruano Pascual/Shaughnessy vs. García Vidagany/Soler Espinosa

Stadium 3 (from 10.00hrs)
1. ATP: Chela vs. Cipolla
2. ATP: Korolev vs. Karlovic
3. ATP: Mónaco vs. Greul
4. Chan/Zheng vs. Black/Vesnina
5. Errani/Vinci vs. Chuang/King

Court 4 (from 10.00hrs)
1. ATP: Dolgopolov Jr. vs. Fish
2. ATP: Rochus vs. Hernández (NB 12.00hrs)
3. Dominika Cibulkova vs. Iveta Benesova
4. Govortsova/Kudryavtseva vs. Rodionova/Schnyder (after suitable rest)

Court 5 (from 10.00hrs)
1. ATP: Anderson vs. Navarro
2. Olga Govortsova vs. Tathiana Garbin (NB 11.00hrs)
3. Vera Dushevina vs. Kirsten Flipkens
4. Alexandra Dulgheru vs. Melinda Czink

Court 6 (from 10.00hrs)
1. ATP: Giraldo vs. Volandri
2. ATP: Russell vs. Gimeno-Traver

Things That Make You Go Hmmm...

Fed's out of Estoril in straight sets to Montanes.  Fed says he's not worried about RG because "it's so far away."  Uh, ok.  I mean, 14 days, but I guess time moves slower for rich people.

In the last FD Podcast, Brodie went out on a limb and said he thought this was the year Fed's semifinal streak ends.  We all laughed.  Brodie's looking smarter and smarter as the weeks wear on.

All that said, Fed could completely change the narrative in Madrid.  That's the annoying (and awesome) thing about tennis.

Happy Ending?

I honestly had *no idea* where this whole thing was going. But I do find it amusing that Nico is clearly getting his ass groped and Cones left her t-shirt on.

Oh So Quiet.

Barca and Fed Cup.  That's pretty much what you need to know for this week.  And with Rafa out of Barcelona and Fed, Nole, Muzz, A-Rod, Delpo, Kolya, all out, well...I'm not convinced I'll really be paying attention to what goes on there.

Meanwhile, the ladies are having a pretty tough time getting to their Fed Cup ties because of that little volcanic action in Iceland.  No really, a real volcano.  I wasn't making a Bjork metaphor.

Oh, How Big of You. Fuckwad.

Whatever.

Read This.

Props to Bonnie Ford for hopping on a plane, getting the records, and sorting this whole thing out.  

Let me get this straight:

• Dude checked his bags in.  They got lost.  Customs found them.  Customs searched them.
• Customs found 8 vials of HGH and "other medical paraphernalia", which I can only assume means needles, disinfectant, gauze, etc.  Unless it means hemorrhoid cream, in which case, embarrassing!
• Customs officials interviewed him.  He said he had a prescription for the HGH for a "career-ending injury", but he refused to identify the name of the doctor or describe the injury.  Uh, last time I checked, being a douchebag who sucks at tennis because everyone else is bigger and stronger does not constitute a medically diagnosable "injury".  Then again, I'm not a doctor, I just play one on TV.
• He later admitted that he didn't have a prescription (shocker!) and that he bought the HGH off the interwebs.  Don't bother.  I already checked www.wherecanibuyhgh.com.  No info.
• Once all the information was presented, the Magistrate basically rolled his eyes so hard the ball kids are still trying to find them.
• Kid didn't even bother showing up to the hearing, sending his lawyers instead because he had "a thing".  That "thing" of course being a really important first round match he promised to lose in Indian Wells.
• But he didn't send his Esquires off without instruction or guidance.  He told them to enter a guilty plea.  So they did.

Can wait to see what Silence McGee's high-powered lawyers come up with here.  This sucker is vacuum sealed.

This kid is a piece of work.  A piece of really shitty work.

Code Violation: Oral Obscenity.

Come on, Marin.  You lost to this guy?  But...he's...gross!

Put A Bunch of Boys In A Room and What Do You Get? Drag. Everytime.

One of the frustratingly awesome things about the Monte Carlo tournament is the private player party held every year, wherein the players, along with some Monte Carlo schmancy pants, get together, lock the doors and play a little Circle Jerk.  And by Circle Jerk, I mean they put on wigs and dresses, act like girls, and play make-believe.

And the public never really gets to see it.  Sure, some footage leaks, but really, we're all in the dark.

Thankfully, Mahesh Bhupati was on hand to tweet and photo-document the event.  Or at least do the best he could with a Blackberry.  It sounded awesome.  I would have loved to have seen Deliciano's re-enactment of the Gypsy video. 

Who else here is shocked he didn't volunteer to be Shakira?  You *know* his eyes lit up when he saw the halter top.

Mr. Brightside

 

No surprises today in Monte Carlo, thank God, as Jo had a tough go with Nico back came through in two tight sets, 76(5) 75.  Kind of a big win for the guy on clay.  So, you know, ROWR!

Fer got really mad at that ball and destroyed Apricot, 62 61.  Like, whoa.

 

Marin put on his guyliner and came bag against Igor, 67 61 64.  You really need to cool it, Marin.  You're verging on Brandon Flowers territory.  Here's hoping you don't crash and burn and turn into a heaping pile of suckitude like the Killers did.

 

And this is a cute picture of a guy who won.

Singles - Second Round
[4] M Cilic (CRO) d I Andreev (RUS) 67(4) 61 64 
[5] J Tsonga (FRA) d N Almagro (ESP) 76(5) 75
[6] F Verdasco (ESP) d J Benneteau (FRA) 62 61
[10] T Berdych (CZE) d [WC] R Gasquet (FRA) 62 60

Singles - First Round
[12] T Robredo (ESP) d H Zeballos (ARG) 63 63
[13] S Wawrinka (SUI) d V Hanescu (ROM) 62 64
[15] J Melzer (AUT) d P Mathieu (FRA) 63 62 
A Montanes (ESP) d [16] M Baghdatis (CYP) 64 62
M Llodra (FRA) d F Fognini (ITA) 63 63
V Troicki (SRB) d L Kubot (POL) 46 62 62
F Serra (FRA) d S Robert (FRA) 76(6) 36 64
[Q] T de Bakker (NED) d E Schwank (ARG) 63 75

Ocean's 11

Monte Carlo Player's Party.  Always a classy affair.

Oh, Rafa.  I'm not sure you'll ever look comfy in a suit. 

Augh.  Jelena is so adorable.  How dare you?

Skelator never looked so good.

Mmmm.  Nenad.  And...Steve Buscemi.  Or something.

Oh, look who decided to roll out of bed to join us. 

Ass.

An Open Letter To Wayne Odesnik

Dear Wayne,

Go away.

No regards,

C Note

Personally, I Think It's Your Hair That's Weighing You Down.

Gotta make this quick but here's a pictorial round-up on yesterday's action, none of which I watched.

Fer, please get a kit that fits, a racquet that works, and a haircut that makes you aerodynamic.  Tomas, please forget that you're in the semifinals of a Masters tournament after beating two top 10 players.

 

[Snicker]

So...I'm guessing I shouldn't hold my breath anymore in anticipation of Sod's return to mediocrity.  Second straight Masters semifinal for the embodiment of Evil.

I heard this match was crap.  Not from tennis commentators, mind you, but from fans. 

Feel free to give your mind-blowing tennis analysis in the comments.

Orange You Glad You're Wearing Orange?*

64 67 76

It's an odd thing being a Tomas Berdych fan.  And by "odd" I mean "tortuous".  The kid has all the talent in the world to knock off the Top 10, but he's got the brain of a 3 year old.  When you look up the word "headcase" in the tennis dictionary, the Green Goblin's googly eyes will stare back into your soul.  They fill you with a false sense of hope.  But it is that hope that plants your ass on the couch to watch him whenever he plays at top player.  And it is that hope that breaks your heart every fucking time.

Except this time.

 

Let's be clear: Fed played like ass.  Like, sweaty, stinky, 80 year old ass.  He couldn't hit his forehand to save his life for 80% of the match.  But he hung in there, like he is prone to do, and gutted out a second set win to force a third.  Now, obviously those of us who have had our hearts shattered by Tomas before figured the third set would be a 6-0 or 6-1 affair.  Hell, I tuned out and went back to trying to figure out some songs on guitar.  

But then, inexplicably, Tomas broke Fed.  Early.  And it was game on.  I poured myself a steep glass of vodka and settled into an evening that saw me cursing the world, Roger Federer, and Tomas Berdych.  It was fun.

Fed would have match points in the third set tiebreak.  And somehow he would fail to convert them.  Tomas had the match on his racquet but a forehand that missed by millimeters pretty much seemed to seal his fate as the not-so-lovable-unless-you're-an-idiot loser.  But that call seemed to relax Tomas.  He smiled a broad smile that seemed to say "well, today's not my day" and decided to bomb away.  And the bombs went in.  And he won.  Oddly.

I still can't believe it, honestly.  After the match, Fed would admit that he hasn't been feeling the ball well and he needs to figure out what's up with his game.  It has been a US tour to forget for the Orange One.

*This write-up has been brought to you by Ketel One, Anchor Steam, and about 5 minutes of my not-so-valuable time.

Air Quotes: Andy Goes On Blast...In A Good Way

In case you haven't heard, American Wayne Odesnik was caught in possession of HGH while trying to enter Australia.  He pled guilty and will likely be banned from the ATP tour.  Interestingly, he had just hired the recently retired Guillermo Canas as his coach.  Willy isn't a stranger to doping inquiries.

A-Rod ain't havin' it:

Q.  Sorry to be a rally killer, but I wanted to hear your comments and thoughts on Wayne Odesnik.

    ANDY RODDICK:  If he pled guilty, which it looks like he did, there's nothing worse than that.  I'm normally the one to give people the benefit of the doubt.
If that's the case, what we read today, that's just plain cheating and they should throw him out of tennis.  There's just no room for it.  I don't    I was shocked.  I was surprised.  You know, we don't need stories like that.  You know, I know that's the minority. If that's the case, I have zero sympathy.

    Q.  Your feelings are just as strong even though it was a possession and not a positive test?

    ANDY RODDICK:  If you have a possession, you know you're not supposed to have it.  You're not supposed to be anywhere near it.  You're not supposed to know about it.  You're not supposed to smuggle it into a country. If you have    I mean, if you caught your sons or daughters and they possessed some type of drug, they're guilty of probably using, as well, correct?  You know, I don't see the difference.  If you have it and it's not enough to    you either have it to sell it or you have it to take it.  So either way, it's not the play.  It's no good.

    Q.  How well did you know him?

    ANDY RODDICK:  I know Wayne a little bit.  I mean, I wouldn't say we're friends.  He used to train in Austin sometimes.  You know, I don't think we ever really did much together.  But it's just normally when this has happened in tennis it's been someone that is like I don't really know at all.  To have it be one of our guys and for us to lose a guy in the top 100, it makes me a little angry, you know. I don't you know, I don't want that stigma attached to our country and to our players, so it really pisses me off.

    Q.  That's the thing, the average person sees this in the paper tomorrow and they think...
    ANDY RODDICK:  That's what makes me angry.  We have the most    in your articles that you will write, I hope that they're at least researched to the point where we have the most stringent drug testing policies in sports. We're up there with the Olympics.  We can't take Sudafed because something will come up.  We have to be accountable for where we are I have to send in my forms next week to tell people where I'm gonna be for the next month every single day.  If my wife and I want to drive for a day trip somewhere, I have to call in and say, We're going here, here, and here and provide an address.  So I hope with the articles that they will at least acknowledge that.  The ATP and the powers that be in tennis have done every single thing possible, you know, with the exception of assigning a person to follow each person around 24 hours a day and sleep with the person, to mitigate these problems, you know.

    Q.  So you do not think there is a problem in the sport?
    ANDY RODDICK:  I don't see how there can be.  I mean, unless everybody's packing vials of stuff in their bags and smuggling it into countries, which I don't God, I have a hard time believing that, you know.  You know, I think HGH is the one in every sport where I hope they come up with a test and I hope they start just slamming guys.  I hope when they do come up with a test for it they don't tell anybody and they just implement it and start picking people off.

    Q.  There actually is a test, Andy, but it's not used in tennis.

    ANDY RODDICK:  Well, the sooner the better.  I think they should use it everywhere.  You know, I just hope that    I wouldn't be surprised if there is a test out there that we're gonna be the first to come fly with it.  I hope we do.  I hope this will move it.  There's no room for it.  We don't need it.  We don't need that stigma. I take a lot of pride in what we have to do on a daily basis and how responsible we have to be for, one    lack of a better word    for one jackass to ruin it for the rest of us.

I'm glad someone came out and said it.  It would have been a worse mark on the sport if players tried to justify what happened.

Hey, Look At This Fucking Douchebag.

I mean, really.  You couldn't have diagrammed it any better.

 

The dude was unavoidable throughout the tournament.  Everywhere I turned it was like "Oh look.  There's the douchebag."  He just oozes suckitude in a way that makes you want to take a shower every time he walks by.  And seriously, he walks around like a big shot.  It's absolutely infuriating.

Victoria brought up a good point during Hit For Haiti.  Justin actually made that whole pile of steaming awkwardness even worse by, once again, inserting himself into the narrative.  He can never just ask a question.  It always has to be, "Well Andy, you and I were talking about this the other night over sushi and Chablis..." or "Come on, Pete, you're a great tipper!  I've been to dinner with you!  I've seen it!" 

DUDE GET OVER YOURSELF.  

Seriously, the next time you hear him commentate a match or do an interview, do a shot every time he references his personal relationship with the player.  You'll be drunk in 2 minutes flat.

Planning his next dick-sucking session with A-Rod, I'm sure.

Pic This: I Wonder If These Are the Miami Dolphins Serena Thought She Bought.

Obligatory Miami pics with dolphins.

Lions?  Check.  Dolphins?  Check.

Julie Coin.  Drunk as per yoosh.

WHY ARE YOU HURTING THE DOLPHIN, YOU EVIL BASTARD?!?!?

How Much Is That Doggy In The Window, ARF ARF!

During Nole's only on-site practice session of the week (at least while I was there), he and Viktor ended their practice session with a tie-breaker.  I am sad to report that their initial negotiation involved the loser pulling down his shorts, which Todd quickly put the kibash on.  Fuck you, Todd, you clam-jammer.

But that wouldn't stop the Serbs from having some fun.  After Nole won the breaker on some pretty questionable line calling, Viktor had to pay up.  He stalled for a good five-minutes, trying to find some way out of it.  But in the end the top Serb won out and Viktor had to endure his humiliation...

Viktor Loses His Shit

Janko and Viktor were so fun to watch in doubles. But a number of bad calls led Viktor to lose his shit. But my favorite part of this video is my friend's "Come on! Let it go! Win!" If I had a nickel for every time I've wanted to yell that at a match...

That said, he also kept it classy:

"You Take The Good, You Take The Bad, You Put It All Together..."

Ernie, Jeremy, and Mario (!) all win. 

But then Mels, Lucie, Cones, and Burrito lose.  I mean, those last two I don't really care about except that I wanted to witness their particular brands of crazy in person.  Nice win for Bethany though.  I give all credit to her bringing the fashion back.

Oh, and Ryan Harrison beat Taylor Dent.  He's 17 years old.  Can we put move the pressure from Mels over to him now?  Thanks.

Men's Singles - First Round
E Gulbis (LAT) d M Chiudinelli (SUI) 36 63 63
P Cuevas (URU) d F Gil (POR) 64 75
F Serra (FRA) d A Falla (COL) 61 62
[Q] R Delgado (PAR) d A Beck (GER) 67(2) 62 64
[Q] K Anderson (RSA) d [Q] B Phau (GER) 63 63
J Chardy (FRA) d P Starace (ITA) 61 41 Retired
M Ancic (CRO) d [Q] B Reynolds (USA) 46 63 64
[Q] R Schuettler (GER) d [Q] T Alves (BRA) 75 60
G Garcia-Lopez (ESP) d L Lacko (SVK) 46 64 75
[WC] C Moya (ESP) d [Q] T Smyczek (USA) 76(7) 76(5)
F Fognini (ITA) d O Rochus (BEL) 64 16 75
D Koellerer (AUT) d R Ram (USA) 61 63
[Q] B Dabul (ARG) d L Mayer (ARG) 76(4) 62
[WC] R Harrison (USA) d T Dent (USA) 63 64
P Petzschner (GER) d C Rochus (BEL) 62 75
M Fish (USA) d M Berrer (GER) 16 61 63

Women's Singles - First Round
C Suarez Navarro (ESP) d A Cornet (FRA) 64 16 62
[Q] Y Chan (TPE) d S Voegele (SUI) 60 75
[Q] T Pironkova (BUL) d [Q] A Amanmuradova (UZB) 63 62
B Zahlavova Strycova (CZE) d A Petkovic (GER) 63 63
P Kvitova (CZE) d A Brianti (ITA) 63 64
[WC] B Mattek-Sands (USA) d Y Shvedova (KAZ) 75 75
S Errani (ITA) d [Q] V Kutuzova (UKR) 75 62
[Q] P Martic (CRO) d [WC] A Tomljanovic (CRO) 76(4) 61
S Bammer (AUT) d K Srebotnik (SLO) 36 75 61
A Dulgheru (ROU) d [Q] M Larcher de Brito (POR) 62 62
R Vinci (ITA) d M Oudin (USA) 36 63 60
J Goerges (GER) d L Safarova (CZE) 75 36 63
[Q] S Stephens (USA) d L Hradecka (CZE) 76(5) 76(7)
A Sevastova (LAT) d [Q] N Llagostera Vives (ESP) 62 36 61
[Q] K Sprem (CRO) d [Q] S Perry (USA) 62 46 63
J Coin (FRA) d [WC] T Paszek (AUT) 64 63

Women's Doubles - First Round
[2] N Llagostera Vives (ESP) / M Martinez Sanchez (ESP) d L Dekmeijere (LAT) / P Schnyder (SUI) 62 64
[3] N Petrova (RUS) / S Stosur (AUS) d J Coin (FRA) / M Pelletier (CAN) 64 62
M Kirilenko (RUS) / A Radwanska (POL) d [4] L Raymond (USA) / R Stubbs (AUS) 64 46 10-3
S Borwell (GBR) / R Kops-Jones (USA) d A Medina Garrigues (ESP) / C Wozniacki (DEN) 76(4) 46 10-2
V Dushevina (RUS) / A Rodionova (AUS) d V Ruano Pascual (ESP) / M Shaughnessy (USA) 75 36 10-4
[WC] T Garbin (ITA) / J Jankovic (SRB) d [WC] L Safarova (CZE) / V Zvonareva (RUS) 76(4) 63
G Dulko (ARG) / F Pennetta (ITA) d V Uhlirova (CZE) / R Voracova (CZE) 16 64 10-5

Let Me Get Out My Sketchbook.

(Pic by Love All)

In case you've been hiding under a rock (which, if you're human probably means being crushed by a rock) the sausage and vagina draws for Indian Wells are out.  The men's doubles draw isn't out yet but apparently these two tasty pieces will be playing together.  Good luck getting a seat for that one, ladies.

I haven't had a chance to fully digest it yet.  Will probably do so from the car.  So feel free to frazzle and mock in the comments.

I do see that Muzz is in Fed's half and Rafa is in Nole's half.  And thankfully there will be no A-Rod/Nole matchup unless they're in the finals.  I seriously hate when those two play on US soil.

As for the ladies, on first glance, this looks like a clusterfuck.  Bummed to be missing out on the AKO/Chak first rounder and will probably miss the possible Dani/Mel and Pova/Snot second rounders.  Justine's got Rybarikova in the first round and because life is awesome, we could a rematch of last year's final in the quarters.  Yay?

Pic This: Who Needs Rafa, Feli, or Fer?

You know how "they" say Red Bull gives you wings? 

Well playing for Spain gives Tommy wings. 

Too cute.

Aw.  Tommy's a nuzzler.

Marcel farted.  Busted.

What the hell is Costa doing?

Platinum medal in team celebrations, Espana.