Forty Deuce

Outdieseled.

Petko always says she's like a diesel engine.  She needs some time to get warmed up.  But against Caro she raced to a 4-1 40-love lead and it quickly looked like we had an IW redux on our hands.  With a chance to pull away and put the set to bed, she stalled, and Caro ran away with it from there. 

Sigh.  Bummer.  Tumaini Cariol, who blogs for FootFault and is at Stuttgart on behalf Tennis Panorama, said that because no matches were scheduled on Good Friday, the tournament organizers had put together a breakfast for the journalists with the semifinalists. So while I was rooting for Petko for normal reasons, I was rooting for her extra hard because of the possibility of Tumaini getting to have breakfast with Sam, Julia, Aga, and Petko.  IMAGINE!!!

But no.  It's Caro.  Not that it matters.  Apparently not enough journalists were interested in the breakfast so they cancelled it.  Ahem.

So it'll be Caro vs. Aga in the other semifinal.  Their H2H is 3-1 to Caro, with Caro winning the last three easily.  This will be their first meeting on clay.  But perhaps more importantly, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

(Pic: AP)

Why You So Good To Me, Internet?

Two words: Radwanskas.  Dancehall.

No really, those are the only two words I understood on that page.  But they were only two words I needed.

UPDATED: Whoops!  Link fixed!

And So a Boy Becomes a Man...

I don't know. I liked Aga's better.

Marin lost to Janko.  His struggles continue.  Sigh.

Credit to Racquet Required for finding the clip.

Pic This: To the Dearly Departed.

We just didn't have enough time together.  Makes me way emo.

Pic This: Speaking of Doubles...

Ah.  The Radwanskas.  Always entertaining.  For all the wrong reasons.

Synchronization has never been so hilarious.  And scantily clad.  

(Pics: Forty Deuce)

Kader Can't Explain For Shit.

Aga lost to Lucie last night. I know. BUT it just isn't an Aga match without some sort of weird, brain-hurting drama.

I mean, I'm pretty sure Kader's right.  But he's the worst explainer of rules in the world. 

Thanks for finding the video, Christina.

Kruisy Kuzzy.

It must have felt nice (and different) to get a straight-forward straight-set win for a change, but the ninja  made her work for it.  Sveta has started 2011 with some great matches but not the best results.  But in all of these matches she's unveiled Sveta 2.0, a more focused, more positive, fitter, and smartly aggressive Svetlana Kuznetsova.  It has been a revelation and I've loved every minute of it. 

Sveta's got Flavia next.  She absolutely cruised over Kleybs, 62 60.  So a great run for Flavia, who once again showed how important Fed Cup is to her career.  She was the savior in Hobart against Australia.  And here she is in the semifinals of a Premier 5.

But it's gotta end at some point.  I'm rooting for Sveta to take the tournament.  But as a few pointed out on Twitter, her legs have got to be tired from all the three setters this week *and* the doubles with Vera.  That said, Flavia's hobbled on that left foot, which caused her to withdraw from doubles here in Dubai (though, word is that she'll ascend to #1 in doubles on Monday).

So let's play the match and see.  But go get it, Sveta 2.0!  This reboot has been awesome!

(Pic: Reuters)

Pic This: Ninja Strike!

You can't teach that, Mr. Miyagi.

(Pic: AP)

Pic This: Looking Back at the Wet 'n Happy Slam.

It's been almost a week since the last ball skid across the blue courts of Melbourne Park and, to be honest, I'm still in a complete daze.  So much happened and yet, given the gut-punch of Sunday night, it's taken me a while to even remember all the awesome stuff from this year's Aussie Open. 

Thank GOD for pictures.

Don't worry.  That's just how ninjas recharge.  It's meditation, homes.

I hear ya, Fran.  I totes hear ya.

Hey.  Remember when Andy looked good in white and was also pretty good at tennis?

Yeah, me neither.

The Irony Is She Doesn't Even Hit Hard.

Farewell, Aga.  You will be missed.

I LOVE YOU FACEBOOK.

"I Wasn't Even Supposed To Be Here Today!"

Two weeks ago, Aga didn't even know if she was going to be able to play Melbourne, having been out for almost three months with a stress fracture in her foot.  But she popped in at the last minute, survived Kimiko and a busted racquet, and saved two match points today against Peng to advance to the quarterfinals, matching her best result at the Australian Open, winning 75 36 75 in two hours and 44 minutes. 

Q. Maybe next time you go into a Grand Slam, you should have no practice and no matches.

AGNIESZKA RADWANSKA: Yeah, I think I should have surgery before every Grand Slam definitely.

Her reward?  Some chick named Kim. 

But Aga's playing with no pressure and it seems to suit her.

I think now is no pressure. I just feel very good after my very short off season. Well, I mean, she's a great champion, so I have nothing to lose. So I'm just going to try and play my best tennis and try to win.

Good on ya, Aga. 

(Pic: Getty)

Welcome Back, Aga.

And *this* is why you ALWAYS catch an Aga match if you can.

SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN.

Right around noon today the Tennis Gods finally got the plumbing over Melbourne fixed and that famous Aussie sun broke through, transforming Melbourne Park from the dreary and grey slab of the last few days into the vibrantly blue tennis heaven that I had previously only seen on television.  Let me tell you, this place sparkles when it isn't being cried on.  It's enough to put the pep into any tennis fan's step.

So with the courts dried and players finally able to take the court, I grabbed my camera and did the requisite rounds.

First stop, Sabine!  She won her first round qualifying match over Michaela Kraijcek 76 63, hitting 8 aces and 24 winners on the way.  She can still clock that serve and forehand, though her movement is still (and may always be) an issue. 

But it was a nice win for her and she was really pleased with herself after the match, throwing a jolly and heartfelt thank you to a few fans and congratulated her.  I really like this kid.  Super sweet.

Of course, while I was watching Sabine, I couldn't have but be distracted by a very familiar figure off in the distance...

Hey, you.

Nice to see Aga back on court again after that stress fracture in her foot.  She was practicing with Gisela. 

It was just a light hit but hopefully Gisela (who does not wear a sports bra and I cannot understand why) was able to pick up some tips for her match against Caro.  Probably not, but we can hope.

While Aga was practicing I couldn't help but giggle as a familiar figure sidled up beside me waiting to take the court.  That's right, Mlad the Impaler was set to take the court next.  She put her bag down and walked away for a few seconds, but unfortunately I was distracted by Bojangles and I missed my window of opportunity to fuck up her bag.  Or at least give it a light kick or something. 

When Mlad walked onto the court Aga asked her if she had the court next.  Mlad said yes and Aga told her that she and Gisela would just play across if it was ok (hitting to each other cross court).  Mlad hesitated, Aga just started serving, and Mlad finally said it was fine, though she didn't look happy about it.  All this is to say, Aga RULEZ.  You know who also rules?  Heather Watson.  She took out Mlad in the first round of qualifying in straight sets.  Get it, Hev.

No sleep for the weary, huh Bojo?  One day after losing in the Sydney semis, Bojo was back out on court hitting with Mlad.  I would see her 3 hours later hitting with someone else on another practice court.  Oh to have the energy of 19 year old legs.

Now, on to the boys...

"I Learned So Many Things and I Won *So* Many Things."

Fran rules. Also, she might be high. And can someone tell JJ she needs to stop stress smoking? Holy smokes.

The Thing About Ninjas? They Kind of Need Their Feet.

Aga's out for the next three months with foot surgery and will miss AO. 

Put your Zippos in the air and wave 'em like you just don't care.

Shut It Down, Lemon. Shut It Down.

As the rest of the tour limps and loses their way to the finish line, these ladies have all decided to shut it down for the season.  Jay-Z is having wrist surgery, which may force her out of the AO.  Aga has a stress fracture in her foot (which she played on for TWO TOURNEYS) and may also miss the AO.  Venus' left knee is keeping her on crutches and out of the YECs and Fed Cup.  And Maria and Sveta are also shutting it down due to injury, though with Maria, you have think it's more of a mental issue even if she has been hurting since the USO. 

So there's your roundup.  Rest up and heal up, ladies.  The tour needs you. 

Well, except you, Aga.

Kidding.

(Pics: Getty)

 

Eat Me.

Vika refuses to eat her sushi and Robbie takes a pathetic attempt at a bite.

Step it up, Ladies. You're better than that.

"Cotton candy, sweet and low, let me see that tootsie roll."

If you are a WTA player and you go to the Tokyo tournament, chances are, at some point in your career, you will take part in this annual sushi rolling gig.  At least this time they didn't have to play dress up.  Looks like they did a pretty nice job with it, too.  You can see more pics here.

"Yours looks like Hello Kitty!"

Oh, Aga. Did someone spike her sake with more sake?

Also?  Way unsanitary, Vika.  Gross.

(Pics: WTA site)

Hugs, Not Thugs.

Aga was forced to retire down 0-5 to Caro due to a leg injury.  There were tears from both but Caro was pretty amazing in her genuine condolensces to her bestie and sometimes tanning partner. 

Nice to see.  She'll be up against her mindless ball-bashing buddy, Vika, in the semis, and has a pretty damn good chance of capturing that #1 ranking if she does well here and in Beijing.  Hold on to your hats.

The other semi will feature Lena vs. Fran.  Lena was on the verge of dropping the first set before Bepa failed to serve it out and pretty much went wonky for the rest of the match, throwing in UFE after UFE.  It was bummersauce. 

As for Fran, she had herself a 3+ hour battle with Kaia and needed two chances to serve out the third set after choking away the first chance pretty badly.  Nice to see her back up her late summer results though.  Somehow, the better Fran does, the easier RG is for me to take. 

(Pic: AP; Getty)

Pic This: I'm Bored.

So I'm sitting here catching on a month's worth of Tivo and I started going through my files.  Sometimes, as you're surfing the interwebz, you just see funny or interesting photos and you save them, not having any idea if you're going to actually have a reason to use them in the future. 

So here's me unloading a few randoms on you.

Too cute.

Vania and Shveddy at the Wimbledon Champions Ball.

I...don't want to talk about it.

If there's one thing we know about Igor, it's that he likes pretty things.

Ah.  A classic.

Masha, about to eat her dinner.

Robbo and one of her two pooches.

Sorana looking...normal.

Swoooooooooooooon.

Leather brings out the best in everyone.

Yowza.

Never forget.

The Kids Are All Right.

What's the point of getting a media pass, getting all excited about interviewing players, crafting beautifully worded questions on interesting topics, only to show up and see these two pistol whips do you your job better than you could ever dream of.

Absolutely demoralizing.

Welcome Back, Sveta.

One week after Vika reestablished herself as a legitimate threat, Sveta does the same, though she did in the only way Sveta could.  By fighting herself.  Let's not forget that she was on the brink of elimination to Sara Errani (!) two rounds ago, getting pushed to a 7-5 third set.  But she bounced back and showed the form that won her two Slams, showing that blistering forehand and playing with a clear head. Well, kinda.  For one and a half sets against Aga she looked like she was going to run away with the title. 

 

But then headcasey Sveta showed up, blowing a number of match points to let Aga back into the match in what was a thoroughly hilariously second set tiebreak that left us doubled over in laughter.  It was a pretty amazing choke job.

 

But after a bathroom break and a change into her Wimby whites, Sveta steadied herself, found her groundies again, and fought off Aga for her first title of the year and first in 10 months.  Not a bad week for her as she also made her first semi of the year.  It was, for the most part, a remarkable display from Sveta.  She reminded me once again why she can beat anyone on any given day.  Her demolishing of Flavia yesterday and then Aga today was inspired.  

 

I'd be remiss if I didn't give a shout out to Aga.  She has thoroughly impressed/confused me for the past two weeks, displaying the crafty style of tennis that frustrates the best of them.  The final was a reminder that the big hitters can hit through her, but to be sure, Maria (at Stanford) and Sveta in San Diego had to go out there and win these matches.  Aga gave them nothing.  I'm still not fan of her brand of tennis (sorry, I'm a Big Babe kinda gal) but I get it now.  I will no longer give the Polish Ninja shit for being in the top 10.  She has every reason to be.

I tip my cap to both players.  It was a fun final.

Pic This: "I Love You Facebook!"

Aga signed autographs.  But more importantly, check out this video from the tournament Facebook site.  You won't be sorry.

Oh, and she hit the links.  And hit a person.

That's Entertainment.

Ok, yes, I was giving Aga a shitload of shit via Twitter today.  I mean, I'm sorry, she's normally boring as hell to watch.  So imagine my surprise when I was sitting in the media center watching Billie Jean King talk about the formation of the WTA and Title IX (seriously, I was tearing up listening to her) when I glanced up at the TV to see Aga up 5-1 on Masha.  I was rolling my eyes pretty hard.

But once I settled into my seats with Steph and DonkeyGrooming, I had a thoroughly good time watching the ridiculous rallies between Masha and Aga.  Aga was doing what she does but she was doing it better than I had seen in quite some time.  I can easily say this was the best match I've seen her play against a top player in a few years.  Their cat and mouse game left me in fits of giggles.

Even if Shazza tried to kill her at the net.

The key to the match was Masha dialing back her game, hitting less aggressively, and accepting the idea that she couldn't engage in first-strike tennis in an attempt to hit through Aga.  She had to rally and work the point until she got a short ball she could put away.  It was was an odd contrast to last night's match, which saw Mash and Elena hit the fuzz off the ball.  Maria had to use her head in this one and realize that if she dialed back Aga shouldn't be able to get a sniff on her serve.  She did, Aga didn't, and entertaining rallies aside, she cruised to victory.

After the match Masha was told of Marion's comments on a Sharapova/Azarenka final.  When asked  whether the crowd should expect a loud match, "Your call.  That seems to be her call."

Rad answer.

Well That Wasn't Very Nice.

Aga done gone and beat her former and future dubs partner not just in straight sets but dishing a bagel in the second.  I didn't see the match, as I had to go see a girl about a serve, but there were some occasional roars from center court so assume there were some pretty "crafty" shots coming off that Babolat racquet.

And so Aga is in the semifinals at Stanford and will return to the top 10 on Monday.  It's just what she does.

She did have some interesting stuff to say in her presser about why the era of teenage phenoms may be over:

Rad.

"Watch out.  I'm going to rip this 40mph forehand right in front of you."

Spent 45 minutes watching Aga implodes against Carly Scheepers.  She was up 5-1 in the first, had multiple set points and we now find ourselves going to a third set.

 

She's really stoked.

Aga Radwanska, Professional Tourist.

Aga's presser was pretty straightforward and generally as expected.  She's happy with her hard court season, lost some matches she should have won on clay, and didn't take a break after Wimbledon because she says she didn't play that much in the first half of the season.

But the bombshell, at least from the Forty Deuce perspective: Aga is studying tourism at the University of Krakow.  

The best part of the interview was when Matt Cronin asked Aga which city she thought was the best organized.  "For sure, not France."  The press corp erupted in laughter.  Why?  Mono just happened to be walking past her when she said it. 

It was not a good day for France.

Summer School.

(Flickr)

Confession:  I love Stanford.  I'm not talking about the tournament.  I'm talking about the university.  See, when I was a kid my parents didn't have a lot of money.  So they had to come up with cheap ways to entertain my kid sister and I on the weekends.  This mainly involved the four of us piling into our green Volkswagon bus and going on road trips.  When I was nine years old we visited Stanford for the first time.  It was the first university or college I had ever visited and I thought it was the absolute coolest thing.  We biked around the campus, visited the Rodin Sculpture Garden, went into Memorial Church, and I absolutely fell in love.  I ended up doing a California history report on the school in fifth grade, would go to sports camps here in middle school and high school, and drive an hour and fifteen minutes on a school night to see a Stanford Women's Volleyball game or basketball game.  Hell, in high school I would drive to Stanford and study at the library. 

It's pathetic, I know.

All his is to say, given my love for the school, I'm kind of predisposed to absolutely blow sunshine up this tournament's ass.  The minute I hopped out of my car and smelled the eucalyptus in the air, I had a stupid grin on my face. 

So with that in mind, here's my report after Day 1 of Qualies:

• Had a bit of panic attack when I was directed to the "credential" office, gave my name and was told it wasn't on the list.  "Uh...hold on, let me pull up the confirmation email on my phone."  After fumbling with my stupid iPhone for 5 minutes, the woman finally said "Are you media?" "Yes." "Oh, that's a different office."  PHEW!  I walked down to the media center, picked up my pass, and settled in. 
• You can request workspace at the tournament and I, surprisingly, had been given a spot.  In the front row.  This would be awesome except that as I unpacked my laptop I realized that there's no way I can ask a question at the pressers.  Because if I do, the players will look in my direction and see the "I Am Not An Asian Tourist" sticker on my laptop.  And to add insult to injury, two weeks ago I put a Hello Kitty sticker on it.  So yeah...SILENCE.
• Everyone in the media center was super nice.  And they read Forty Deuce.  I was mortified. 
• Packed up my shit and headed to see what was going on the practice courts.  To my pleasant surprise (read: SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!) Ana and Makiri were practicing next to Lena and Dinara.  I only got to see 10 minutes of Dinara's practice but she was crushing it.  Lena's still using that abbreviated service motion.  Ana's toss was ALL OVER THE  PLACE and she was visibly frustrated.  MaKiri was...MaKiri.
• Kleybs practiced shirtless.  Shahar had her right thigh taped.
• Mono was set to the drawring at 1pm.  We all know how that turned out.  One funny moment: When it came time to draw her first round opponent, the tournament supervisor called out the number, and the supervisor in charge of matching the numbers to players said "Roger Federer."  Mono giggled like a school girl and said "That would be perfect."  She knows this isn't wasn't a drawing for Match.com, right?
• After the draw was done they opened up the floor for questions.  "Any questions for Marion?"  Crickets.  Sorry.  I just couldn't bring myself to ask her the burning question on everyone's mind: "So...what's your deal?"
• Went to lunch with Love All at Cheesecake Factory.  Ironically, mind you.  I can report with certainty that their "smaller" lunch portions are still larger than any dinner I have ever had. 
• Came back on the grounds and was informed that I missed Dinara practicing next to Domi.  Spent 30 minutes in the bathroom crying, obviously.  But I must thank the kind gentleman who did a dramatic reenactment of Zeljko's behavior during the session.  Let's just say it involved a lot of crossed-arms, standing akimbo, and stoicism, mixed with a touch of sneaky glances over at Dinara.  SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!  Get over it!
• Sam was back on the practice courts so I stood and watched her entire practice session from ground level.  Had a lovely chat with my new favorite Bank of the West Classic usher, Donald about life, love, and other mysteries. 
• Once Sam was done it was pretty quiet on the grounds so I headed back to the media center.  It's quite fun just sitting in there and talking to other journos and tournament people.  I'm just not used to being surrounded by knowledgeable tennis people.  It's fun to just pick up on little factoids and tidbits that you don't know.  Quite intimidating as well.  All I have to offer is, "Um...I want to have sex with Andy Murray."  It's not really a conversation starter.
• Sat there and blogged for a bit, enjoying my free Sierra Mist, when Chris, who is blogging for On The Baseline this week, leaned forward and said the following magic words: "Sharapova's on Center."  With those words we both quickly packed up our stuff and headed over.  Sure enough, Masha was there.  That was a nice coda to the day.

So Day 1 is in the books and it was a huge success.  Mainly because I didn't make a fool of myself.  Well, except for that whole Ana/Kleybs business.

Can't wait for tomorrow.  More qualies, more practice, a Dinara/Jay-Z photo op on the Stanford Campus, and All-Access Hour.

Just a reminder, you can get my random musings in real time by following me on Twitter.

Aga Radwanska: Friend To All. Except Shorts. She Hates Shorts.

Aga practiced with Papa Rad today, and once again, shorts cannot contain her awesomeness.  Apparently.  Like, really?  Booty shorts are so restrictive you gotta hike em up?  But that's why we love her.  Also, she was looking a bit sunburnt.  Or, as Love All remarked, "orange".

It's cute though that despite her perennial bitch-face ("Oh, that's just her face") that she seems to get alone with everyone on tour.  Here she is chatting up Jay-Z.  Prior to this she was chatting with Jay-Z's hitting partner, who may have Leticia, but I honestly can't be sure because as we all know, all Asians look alike.  It could have been Ayumi Morita for all I know.

And here she is with BFF and doubles partner MaKiri. 

Said Love All, "Hey, check out the Bobbsy Twins."

Indeed.

You're Such A Miranda!

The WTA player party.  What can you say?  Normally I tune in for the fashion, hair, and makeup disasters.  But I have to say, the Ladies did ok for themselves this year.  I mean, Aga's once again dressed as a Jersey hooker, but hey, the girl's got a look that she's sticking with.  Commitment is 90% of fashion.

Masha, impeccably dressed as an homage to the trophy her boy won tonight.  I don't think the photos do that dress justice.  A stunning piece if seen in person, methinks, especially when worn by a 6'1'' Masha.

Accessory win.

movingrightalong...

Kimiko is adorable despite the fact that she's being attached by the Grimace's shredded entrails.  And can we please stop thinking that ballet flats are appropriate "event" wear?

I mean, she looks great.  But she also looks 15 years older.  PEEP TOE, DINARA!

You kids are adorbz, even if it does look like the Eastern European version of Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion.

Beautiful makeup and hair, and a great dress that needed about 15 minutes with a tailor.  The hem is killing me.

...

Awesome sex hair.

I love this dress minus the frills on the shoulders. 

Bepa!

Amber Alert!

Winner.  Perfect hair, the dress fits perfectly, heels are beautiful and understated.  She looks like she rolled out of bed like this.  Bomb.

You could fit the entire continent of Serbia between Charlotte and Samantha. 

As it should be.

Hey Now, Hey Now, Don't Dream It's Ov-- No, Actually It Is Over.

Kimiko couldn't follow-up her first round win, falling easily to Jarmila Groth, 60 63.  But that's ok.  We'll always have Paris, Kimiko-Tan.

A-Rad continues to make us scratch our heads by losing in straights to Shvedova.  If you'll recall, Shvedova beat JJ at the USO last year.

 

And Bepa drops to Rodionova.  I think she was distracted by the tanktop.  You would be be too.

All this is to say, JJ, this is all on you.  There's cake, and then there's what your quarter is.  Get it done or forever shut your hole.

Pic This: Crips or Bloods?

Cute pic of the player's lounge posted at Tennis Forum.

See Ya.

Also out: Mono, MGMT

Madrid: Around The Grounds

Aga's permascowl never fails to make me laugh. 

"That's just her face."

 

Feli won.  And then was beamed back up to the mothership.  Or BabyDaddyShip. 

Either work for the purposes of this joke.

Kvitova had 3 or 4 times the number of winners as Caro and still lost in straights. 

So, you know, Caro's doin' her thing.

Venus' ruffles and mismatched top outgutted a tight match with Bepa.

The Laker colors have not been kind to Jay-Z. 

That's two straight first round losses on clay, three straight since Miami.

Also, whuck is going on with her WTA Profile Pic.

[insert high pitched velociraptor screech]

Serena gets her fortune read mid-match.

Gael is back, wearing K-Swiss, and being otherwise entertaining yet overly dramatic.

Aaaaaand Sam's cold.

If I Could Turn Back Time...

Hey, remember when there was a time when Ana was winning matches, JJ was kinda dominant, and Caro and Aga lost all the time?  Well apparently a wormhole opened up in the space/time continuum and the entire WTA fell through.  JJ dusted Wicky 2 and 0.

 

Aga fell to Lucie in three and Caro didn't do much against MJMS, losing 4 and 2.  Oddly, Caro is now 0-3 against MJMS.

Serena and Venus keep winning, though. 

Faraway, So Close.

76(4) 64 to Aga. 

She lost to her 75 75 in Miami, so...improvement?

Oh, Jesus. We're In Miami, Aren't We.

Like death and taxes, you can always count on Aga to dress up as a hooker in Miami.

So I've never been to Miami.  All I know about it is what I see on TV or in movies.  Oh, and the Will Smith song that I will not quote for yet *another* year in reference to this tournament.  But from what I can gather from my extensive pop culture learnings, it seems pretty fucking cheesy. 

These Miami Player Party pictures do not help dispel this notion.

 

I mean, WHAT THE FUCK is Caro wearing?  She makes Aga look like Coco Chanel here.  There are simply no words.  You are the #2 female tennis player in the world and *that's* what you show up in?  If I didn't know any better I would have just thought she was some belly dancer that was wandering around and Aga drunkenly grabbed her for a picture.

Because you know Aga would.

 

And this?  THIS?  I'm sorry but if I am ever asked me again why I don't lust after this guy I will whip this picture out every time.  Normally he just looks like he reeks of Paco Rabanne.  Now he looks like he reeks of Axe Body Spray, BO, hair product, and GHB.  Just...ew.

If you threw this photo up against a wall it would stick.

(*whisper* Cuz it's tacky.)

 

Oh, was it too warm for your "scarf", Muzz?

Have I mentioned lately how much I hate ING!JJ?  Oh, I haven't?  BECAUSE I DO.

Let her fly her freak flag, ING.  It's pretty much the only reason we care.

"Are you trying to be down, down, down, down, down on women's tennis?"

Thank you, Venus for looking awesome.  I'm going to end this post/rant on a high note.

"Why Are You Laughing???"

Just when I start to get blase about the WTA these days (come on guys, it's been hard) Dubai comes along and drops his gem on us. I mean, really, where to begin? The Vika/Caro catfight? Caro's retarded-muppet voice? Aga's menacing snarl? Dani's legs that go on forever? Sorana's flat "yeah" of approval?

No, I begin and end at what they did to Domi. Represent!

Thanks to Cecilia for emailing me this.

Pic This: I Mean, Do I *Really* Have To Caption These?

Like, how did this picture come about?  Either they were on their way to the buffet line, heard "Svetlana!  Victoria!  Picture!" and literally stopped in their tracks and turned towards the camera, or else they were in mid-conversation and actually turned to pose front to back.  I expect answers via Twitter.

In other news, check out those sandals.  Sveta dressed up!

That is a creepy-ass camel.

Because that is what you do when you take a picture with Sveta.

In other news, check out that bra.  Sveta dressed up!

I'm going to assume that the airline lost her luggage and Franny rummaged through Sveta's bag.  Either that or a homeless person has wandered onto the grounds, thus proving that Dubai security forces are fucking useless.

Let it be known that JJ will wear a lot of ridiculous shit, but she will not wear a hawk.

Fed Cup: I 100% Assure You There Will Be Crying.

So here we go. 

Notably absent: Uh...all of Russia, The "real" Belgians, The Williamses, The Golden Flowers, Sabine, and Gisela Dulko.  And it still cracks me up that Mono isn't on France's team.

World Group I

Serbia vs. Russia

aka "This week, on LOST..."

Saturday - Play starts at 16:00 (15:00 GMT)
Ana Ivanovic (SRB) v Svetlana Kuznetsova (RUS)
Jelena Jankovic (SRB) v Alisa Kleybanova (RUS)

Sunday - Play starts at 14:00 (13:00 GMT)
Jelena Jankovic (SRB) v Svetlana Kuznetsova (RUS)
Ana Ivanovic (SRB) v Alisa Kleybanova (RUS)
Ana Ivanovic / Jelena Jankovic (SRB) v Vera Dushevina / Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (RUS)

Ukraine vs. Italy

aka "Aw, hell no!  I did *not* leave the South Side for this!"

Saturday - Play starts at 13:30 (11:30 GMT)
Alona Bondarenko (UKR) v Francesca Schiavone (ITA)
Kateryna Bondarenko (UKR) v Flavia Pennetta (ITA)

Sunday - Play starts at 13:00 (11:00 GMT)
Alona Bondarenko (UKR) v Flavia Pennetta (ITA)
Kateryna Bondarenko (UKR) v Francesca Schiavone (ITA)
Mariya Koryttseva / Viktoria Kutuzova (UKR) v Sara Errani / Roberta Vinci (ITA)

France vs. United States

aka "Yeah, have fun, Cones..."

Saturday - Play starts at 13:30 (12:30 GMT)
Alize Cornet (FRA) v Bethanie Mattek-Sands (USA)
Pauline Parmentier (FRA) v Melanie Oudin (USA)

Sunday - Play starts at 13:00 (12:00 GMT)
Alize Cornet (FRA) v Melanie Oudin (USA)
Pauline Parmentier (FRA) v Bethanie Mattek-Sands (USA)
Stephanie Cohen-Aloro / Julie Coin (FRA) v Liezel Huber / Bethanie Mattek-Sands (USA)

Czech Republic vs. Germany

aka "The tie no one cares about because I can't find any pictures."

Saturday - Play starts at 13:00 (12:00 GMT)
Lucie Safarova (CZE) v Anna-Lena Groenefeld (GER)
Petra Kvitova (CZE) v Andrea Petkovic (GER)

Sunday - Play starts at 12:00 (11:00 GMT)
Lucie Safarova (CZE) v Andrea Petkovic (GER)
Petra Kvitova (CZE) v Anna-Lena Groenefeld (GER)
Lucie Hradecka/Kveta Peschke (CZE) v Kristina Barrois/Tatjana Malek (GER)

World Group II

Poland vs. Belgium

aka "Wait...that's not Ula..."

Marta Domachowska (POL) v Yanina Wickmayer (BEL)
Agnieszka Radwanska (POL) v Kirsten Flipkens (BEL)

Sunday - Play starts at 12:00 (11:00 GMT)
Agnieszka Radwanska (POL) v Yanina Wickmayer (BEL)
Marta Domachowska (POL) v Kirsten Flipkens (BEL)
Klaudia Jans / Alicja Rosolska (POL) v An-Sophie Mestach / Sofie Oyen (BEL)

Slovak Republic vs. China

aka "Why does Domi have to ruin everything?"

Saturday - Play starts at 14:00 (13:00 GMT)
Dominika Cibulkova (SVK) v Xinyun Han (CHN)
Daniela Hantuchova (SVK) v Shuai Zhang (CHN)

Sunday - Play starts at 13:00 (12:00 GMT)
Dominika Cibulkova (SVK) v Shuai Zhang (CHN)
Daniela Hantuchova (SVK) v Xinyun Han (CHN)
Dominika Cibulkova / Daniela Hantuchova (SVK) v Xinyun Han / Shuai Zhang (CHN)

Australia vs. Spain

aka "Huh.  You guys are in World Group II?"

Saturday - Play starts at 18:00 (07:30 GMT)
Samantha Stosur (AUS) v Maria-Jose Martinez Sanchez (ESP)
Casey Dellacqua (AUS) v Anabel Medina Garrigues (ESP)

Sunday - Play starts at 16:00 (05:30 GMT)
Samantha Stosur (AUS) v Anabel Medina Garrigues (ESP)
Casey Dellacqua (AUS) v Maria-Jose Martinez Sanchez (ESP)
Alicia Molik / Rennae Stubbs (AUS) v Nuria Llagostera Vives / Carla Suarez Navarro (ESP)

Estonia vs. Argentina

aka "Wait.  Estonia???"

Saturday - Play starts at 12:00 (10:00 GMT)
Maret Ani (EST) v Maria Irigoyen (ARG)
Kaia Kanepi (EST) v Paula Ormachea (ARG)

Sunday - Play starts at 11:00 (09:00 GMT)
Kaia Kanepi (EST) v Maria Irigoyen (ARG)
Maret Ani (EST) v Paula Ormachea (ARG)
Maret Ani / Kaia Kanepi (EST) v Mailen Auroux / Aranza Salut (ARG)

This Will Not Help Your Sponsorship Prospects

Apparently the Australian Open store takes returns.

Aga goes into her third round match having dropped only 3 games and dishing out two bagels.  Like Franny cares.  She casually dumped Aga, 62 62. 

Well, as casually as Franny can.

Pic This: AO Day 4

I mean, really, Aga?  REALLY?

BOOBIES!!!

Who has two thumbs and is adorable?  THIS GUY.

Oh, Daveed.  You try so hard.

Robbie!

Boys and their balls.  Quite a theme so far.

Totally climbing my list. 

"So you come here and you ask me for a favor..."

Yes, Nole.  As a matter of fact I do have tickets to the gun show.

Sunshine in the house.  If she wins a Slam...good Lord the sponsorship blitz...

You and me both, dude.

Ring and a track jacket?  Shabby chic, indeed.

Um, ok.

Someone's looking woooz....

Oh, nevermind.

Pic This: AO Day 2

Sorry for the delay.  Apparently yesterday's matches took too much out of me, as I fell asleep at 9am and woke up at 7pm.  That was...not my intention.  That said, I'm clearly on AO time, so bring it on, Melbourne.

Bagels give you wings!

'Stick and bagel?  Please, Aga, don't hurt 'em.

Um...I'm leaving this one alone.

Dude?  WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY?!?!?!?!

Taking a page from MaKiri's book, if you can't beat 'em, seduce 'em. 

Except...well...he's not MaKiri.  So...opposite result.

Ricardo was fired up, y'all.  And it was *hilarious*.

"Please Lord, don't smite me!"

Vagina hugs!

"Young man, I am not amused by your antics."

Boo, Sam.

Phew, Sam.


Gavroche!

 

Hush little baby, don't say a word,
Misha's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
And if that mockingbird don't sing,
MISHA'S GOING TO TEAR OFF IT'S HEAD AND PISS IN ITS SKULL.
YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG MARINE!!!

Enjoy It While It Lasts!

 
There now, Dina.  Aga's still a top 10 player.  The eyeliner must be the key.

I didn't see it, but that match sounded ridonk.  Dina goes down 0-5 before winning 9 straight games to win the first set and go up a break in the second?  The stats look whack and the reports are that she's rusty and slow and messy, but hell, two and a half months ago her vertebrae were crumbling into bits.  I'll take rusty and slow and messy for a good long while, as long as she's not eating herself alive over it.  I suppose that part remains to be seen.

Pic This: It Just Goes to Show, Money Can't Buy Taste

The Sydney player's party was today, or last night, or possibly three nights from now; I don't know, that time difference is starting to fuck with my mind.

Anyway, a lot of people were there, and most of them looked incredibly special.  

First, I think Lacoste needs to rethink their sizing.  Second, Sam, I'm not saying it's a requirement, I'm just saying... a little effort in the hair and makeup department wouldn't kill you.

Dy-no-MITE!

Virginie apparently came straight from an archeological dig.

I don't have the first fucking clue what's going on here.


Intriguing.  Where, exactly, would one even go about buying those jeans?  Or were they a crafts project she and Dinara worked on in the hotel?

A glitter-free halter jumpsuit.  Well, now I just think I'm being Punk'd.


I think I had a very similar outfit to this the summer I was 12.  Is 1990 back?


Is he auditioning to be the dweeby poor kid in a second edition of Laguna Beach?


Someone's girlfriend needs to do a better job of hiding the hair gel.

So many possible snarks.  Most of which involve the possible proximity of Ernests Gulbis.


Annnnnd... scene.

Have A Rad Christmas

The Rads had a great time shopping for needy families over the holidays.

Very cool of them.

Even if Agi was thoroughly confused.

Pic This: Ula Radwanska Is Too Good For Dan Brown.

Look! WTAers like to read!

You're welcome, boys.

Heh.  Makes me think of this:

 

THE BOOBY SCARE Featuring Alyson Hannigan, Emily Deschanel, Kat McPhee, Minka Kelly and Jaime King - watch more funny videos

Touch a tit, save a tit.

Pic This: One More for the Road...

It wouldn't be the end of the WTA season without one more chance to laugh at people for being completely incapable of dressing themselves.  Some of them are getting distressingly (read: boringly) good at it, but you know there'll always be one WTFer in the group.  Or two, or three.

A lot of things about this frighten me.  Mainly that, with the faces upside down, it looks like she's wearing a minidress with a Marilyn Manson print.  Also, the eyes.  Freaky.

 

This looks kind of like a bridesmaid's dress I had to wear once, if you cut the skirt off about three and a half feet from the bottom.

[snicker]

Oh dear.  Someone needs to introduce Bepa to these.

I'm not gonna lie: something about the geranium over her ladybits weirds me out.

I need to know what Lena did that they decided she needed a mug shot.

I totally picture Dinara's closet having a "little black dress" section and a "big pink t-shirt" section and... that's it.

LOLZ.

Dig in, Caro.

But really, learn to cross your legs when you're sitting in a dress, honey.  Your wantonness is making Dina sad.  (Then again, what doesn't?)

Stubbsy!  Oy, Ula, we'll talk later.

And, for the creme de la creme, cherry on the sundae, there is the video.  I watched it like 18 times.  Don't make me start liking you, girls.  You know who you are.

On Today's Episode of Trauma...

 

Dear WTA: In the span of 24 hours you had two of your most promising young players reduced to tears because of physical ailments caused by a combination of a long fucking season and the fact that you've situated your year-end championships in a humidly dry environment.  If you don't want to reevaluate things, so be it.  But let it be known that the rest of us call bullshit on your entire fucking system.

Poor Vika.  Seriously.  I really do feel bad for her.  After dominating Agi for 2 and 7/8ths of the first two sets, Via somehow blew a 5-2 lead in the second to suddenly drop it 75.  Then, after the first game of the third set, she started to experience either more thigh strain or significant cramping.  Watching her play after that point was painful and she would eventually retire down 1-4, sending Caro into the semis. 

First, good on Agi for not completely rolling over in this match and forcing Vika to play.  Then again, Polish blood runs deep, yo.  Agi knew that a win would send her fellow Pole, Caro, through to the semis.  Leave it to A-Rad to keep things interesting.

OK, fine. I'll never complain about Doha again.

Agi.  Ula.  Singing Pokerface.  With choreography.

Click here.

700,000 thanks to duhcity for posting.