Forty Deuce

Three Rounds and a Sound.

 

And that sound is KABOOM.

And so it is.  After each played rather touch-and-go second round matches, Serena and Masha find themselves clashing on what is sure to be a slightly chilly Friday night (dudes, I'm talking about TEMPERATURE) in Stanford.

On Wednesday night, Masha came out of the gates looking completely dominant against Dani, only to find herself losing eight straight games before Dani decided, "You know what?  I think would prefer not to try and win this match".  It was on of those "STRAIGHT YO SHIT OUT" matches, as Masha was forced to grit her teeth and simply out-compete Dani for the win.  But she did and so we find ourselves here now.

Serena followed up her jaw-dropping "HOLY SHIT SHE BACK HIDE YO KIDS HIDE YO WIFE" first round performance with one that kiiiiiiiinda reminded us that yes, she is amazing, but she can also go off the rails every once in a while. 

MaKiri (bless her) pushed Serena to three sets, surprisingly taking the second (6-3) with ease.  Serena would say afterwards that she felt physically sluggish after that first set, suffering from blisters due to a tightly wound tape job on her ankle.  But, much like Masha, she righted the ship and ended up playing a solid third set, serving well and not giving MaKiri a sniff at a break.

What to expect here?  Tough to say.  Serena holds a 6-2 record against Masha, and Mash hasn't won since 2004.  So I guess my brain gives the edge to Serena.  That said, my gut (which is presently full of thre beers) tells me that Masha is due.  So, as I am a slave to my belly (#fatkidtruths), I'm going to tip Masha. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.  Just kidding.  Serena's serve is just so much better.  So she gets the actual "If I had to bet my house" nod.  Sucks, but...oh well.  I need a house.

The Rumble in Stanfumble begins at 7pm PT on Friday.  Tune in.  Or better yet, buy yo tix.

(Pics: Forty Deuce)

 

Really? Bieber? REALLY? WTF?

Serena's post-match presser was a riot.  At least I thought it was.  I think it got to the point where Serena kept shooting me weird looks every time I started giggling.  I'm sorry, but the woman is both intentionaly and unintentionally funny. 

The black and white quotes don't do this presser justice.  I'll just acknowledge that right now.  I've been told that the Bank of the West Classic FB page will post some video, which is key because seriously, Serena's facial expressions were comedy enough.  But if the audio doesn't hit the Net soon (sorry guys, but I'm gonna give some lead time to the guys and gals who did all the heavy lifting at the presser), I'll try and get it up in a few days. 

Huge credit to Matt Cronin.  I know he's a polarizing figure in the tennis fan world, but he's the one who decided to go along with Serena's Mexican food obsession, which in turn relaxed her a bit and probably caused her to be more open than she was at the beginning. 

A few choice quotes:

On whether she thinks she can win the US Open:

"It's a long way to go.  It's about the climb.  It's not a matter of how fast you get there, it's just the getting there.  So we'll see."

On today's matc--oh look, a fly:

"I really didn't think I played great today.  I think I played good in the first set but you gotta play two sets to play a match, at least in women's tennis.  So...something smells really good in here, I'm so hungry.  Oh my God.  Where is that from, Chipotle or something?  God.  Jeez.  So mean.  Yeah, D at best.  I definitely didn't do well."

Q: So are you a Chipotle addict?

A: No, actually, no I'm not.  In LA they always have the hole-in-the-wall little Mexican restaurants, which are the best.  And then the taco trucks.  So I'm that kind of girl.

Q: You eat off the taco trucks?  That's a risk.

A: A risk I am willing and have taken.

Q: So what do you have?  Carne Asada?

A: No I always get either chicken or sometimes bean and cheese.  Cuz I don't eat meat. So I'll just do that. Sometimes I have shrimp. But not usually.

Q: You have shrimp off the truck?

A: Somtimes.  The one by the Staples center.  That's the better one. 

Q: Hot salsa?

A: Ooooooh yeah.  With the hot stuff?  Oh my God.  I live on it.  I live on that stuff.

On a reported quote that said she was so sick of being injured she'd even be willing to play IW:

I said I would consider playing Indian Wells?  I must have been high on medicine [laughter].  Or something just as nice.  No chance.  I must have been either misquoted or literally on meds.  I mean, Indian Wells is a great place, I guess, but just not for me.  That's so 2000 [laughter].  I'm not going back there.  It's 2011.

On her alleged differences with Masha:

I've never been against her or anyone else on this tour.  Just because I give 200% out there or just because I'm fighting and saying 'come on', I think sometimes the media want to make something out of nothing.  I'm always saying hi to everyone in the locker room.  I leave it on the court.  That's how I am.  So for me it's never been anything personal or non-personal.

She's a nice person, I think.  She's quiet, but hey, so am I sometimes, especially before a match.  Plus it was good to see a familiar face [at the ESPYs].  I was sitting so close to Justin Bieber and I wanted to meet him so bad.  I was too stupid and nervous to say anything.  And I saw Maria and I said 'Oh yay.' so I went 'Gosh I wish you could sit next to me then we could both gather enough...' -- I'm sure she wouldn't have been nervous but I was thinkin' 'man, that would have been a lot easier.'

On the Bieb being a bit young for her:

I mean, yes, I don't like him like that.  I'm a cougar but not that much [laughter].  Oh man.  Not that much of a 'coug'.

On playing Masha on Friday:

"When I'm playing anyone I'm going to go there and do the best that I can do, as well as she is.  She's gonna probably look at me as the ultimate enemy out there, as I will do the same with her.  And we're going to do the best that we can do each.  Like I said, it's nothing personal.  This is a job for me and I'm trying to get paid.  I've been off a year."

On who controls the relations between her and Venus:

"Hmmm.  I don't know because I wanted to have two stories on our house and she wanted one and we have one story.  And every time I wanted to change something, like I wanted to build a guest house outside, and she said no.  So we don'thave one outside.  So I'm starting to think she wears the pants in our relationship [laughs]."

On the 2004 Wimbledon final vs. Masha:

"Nothing comes as a shock to me.  You have nothing to lose.  I mean, I blew it.  It was a great match."

On what would be a satisfying result after Friday's QF:

"I mean, hello?  A loss? [laughs]  Yeah, I would be so happy.  Yeah a lot of people say [the important thing is to play well].  I lie when I say that.  Just to lie.  I don't know why.  I'm gonna stop lying now."

And as she said that, she got up and left without the presser officially ending.  You deserve to drop the mic on that one, Serena.  Hell of a show.

(Pic: Forty Deuce)

Yo. Dos Equis. I Found Your Guy Right Here.

The Most Interesting Man In The World.

Ok.  There's "Required Reading" and then there's ZOMG REQUIRED READING.  Uncle Jamie's backseat interview with one Ernests "Mr." Gulbis is an absolute must-read.  I won't bother quoting anything because there's just too much. 

Just kidding.  My fave bits:

"If you meet a girl, I’m not ready to go in relationship with her straight away, so it’s like, what is in my mind? For every normal guy, in your mind is to get the girl in bed. As soon as possible. It all takes energy. In a tournament I don’t do that."

GENTLEMAN.

"What do people do when they go out? They get drunk. To go out and not drink, I don’t understand it. If you go to a nightclub, what is to enjoy there? Nothing. The music is too loud, everybody’s sweating, everybody’s dancing, it’s dark, everybody’s pushing, everybody’s drunk. And if you’re the only guy sober in the nightclub, you don’t enjoy it at all. If you’re into the groove, you know, you have a couple drinks, you’re on the same level as the club, you can sometimes get something positive out of it. But it’s not what I like. I prefer to stay in my friends’ company, invite girls over, we have drinks in a normal quiet environment.

Also when you’re in a tournament you can’t drink.  It’s just stupid. I believe tennis players shouldn’t drink at all. If I start drinking I’m going to drink until the morning. I can’t go to a nightclub and drink four beers and I’m good. If I go out, I go full night out.  I have nothing to do the next day, I can sleep, then afterwards I go for a run or something like that. But if you’re in a practice week or in the middle of a tournament there is no chance I’m going to go out."

RESPONSIBLE.

"I like pure vodka. Shots, with some nice food. Also one very good drink which I like, you drink a shot of vodka and then you drink milk. The milk is very good for your stomach. After vodka it calms you down. You don’t get the burning feeling. Try it.

Vodka is dangerous. You really need to control yourself not to get a blackout. If you want to go easy, beer. I enjoy beer, but not this piss kind of beer you have in America."

CONNOISSEUR.

Standing O Slow Clap for Uncle Jamie.  Nailed it.

(Pic: Forty Deuce)

Required Reading

I WILL NOT BE SILENCED.

• Andy Murray is apparently so ugly, the illustrators felt compelled to put a mask on him.
• Maria from The Double Bagel writes up her Day 1 experience at Stanford.  Hilariously.
• Young Canuck, Genie Bouchard, nails her interview with the always hard-nosed The Daily Forehand.  Please forgive her musical taste.  The youth know not what they do.
• A Federal judge denies ESPN access to the ATP's betting docs.
• Jack Sock turns pro.
• Video from Elena's wedding, including Vera Dushevina literally shoving MaKiri out of the way for that bouquet.
• Nice one-on-one with Vika.  She talks regretting her prickly relationship with the media but vows, "‘Screw that,’ I am who I am."  Let's hope she continues to strike a balance.  Or not.  It's way more fun to poke when she's being a bitca.
• Great profile on WTA CEO Stacy Allaster.
• Young Hev, Trey Songz, lather, rinse, repeat. 
• I promise I didn't read this before I wrote that stuff about Ana last night.  That said, YOU GONNA GET SOME LUVS TONIGHT, BOY.
• Can't remember if I linked to this last month, but here's a critique of the Strong is Beautiful campaign.  Notable points on both sides, but I fall into the pro-campaign camp.  Hopefully one day we won't have to market women's sports like this.  But for now, this is a pretty good compromise.
• Non-Required Reading: If you haven't read Bossypants, you should.  It's worth it for the Poehler story alone.  A lesson for all.  And this line is particularly salient for tennis fans: "It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don't like something, it is empirically not good."  BOOM.
• Non-Requried Reading: Russell Brand's pitch-perfect ode to Amy Winehouse.
• Non-Required Viewing: Sometimes, life is just like this.  Amiright?

Serena > Mariah.

Please take a moment and watch this. Whatev.

Petkopedia

Petko reads facts about Stuttgart.

Can't wait to see the one for New Haven:

"And this is the alley where you're most likely to get shot."

Or Eastbourne:

"This is where old people come to kill time until Death comes knocking on their door."

Or Stanford:

"SemiconductorsGoogleAppleNerds!"

How Do You Even Know Each Other?

I truly don't understand this doubles pairing, but if it means that we get one more day from Gools so be it.  That is how shameless I am.

After hitting every ball that came to her racquet either into the net or out of bounds (NOT. OVER. IT), Gools finished up her day by teaming up with BZS to take out Ula and Olga Savchuk, 60 62.  So basically, if you had a night session ticket last night, I hope you were able to book additional plans for your Tuesday evening.  Cuz it was a short one.

Speaking of short ones, LOOK!  BZS has smiles!  It's the power of the Gools.

They'll take on StoSicki on Wednesday.  Meep!

(Pics: Forty Deuce)

 

Goodbye, Kitty.

A fantastically blurred out picture of Serena's Hello Kitty backpack, which she wore into press.  Did she see the Hello Kitty sticker on my laptop?  Yes.  Did she look at me?  Yes.  Did we totally bond over the fact that we both like Hello Kitty?  NO WE DID NOT.  You totally broke the HK Code, ReRe.  Even the Twin Stars are judging you.

Backpack or not, the lady gives good quote when she wants to:

"I've never been an overworker.  I've always been the kind of girl who'd practice two days and have a day off.  So I've actually tried to work harder, maybe practice more on a daily basis instead of taking so much time off.  I've been concerned, am I overdoing it, should I do more, am I doing to much?  But I don't think I am so far.  I deserve a break.  I didn't practice on the plane back, so that's about it."

And, perhaps in the weirdest moment of her presser, Serena uses the word "aplomb".  Oh, and she also talks up Masha.  Toss-up on which was weirder:

"I really like playing Maria and I really admire her because, being injured and never giving up and developing the confidence that she has.  Always just walking around and having so much aplomb, it’s good. I always admired that, its really cool."

"I loved her dress.  It was McQueen and she looked amazing and her shoes were dynamite.  I was like 'Oh my God I love those shoes.'  They were beautiful.  It was really cool.  I loved what she had on."

Oh, we're friend now?  Please remember that on Friday (if that happens not saying it will), Serena. 

(Pics: Forty Deuce)

Next?

After her solid win over a craptastic Gools (STILL NOT OVER IT), MaKiri dished on the Lena D's wedding extravaganza.  It was hilarious, mainly because she was so happy to talk about it and got really animated and giggly. 

“It was the best wedding I have ever been. Elena and her husband, they were always with the guests. They were sitting with the microphone, they were talking to us a lot, they were singing a song together, they were dancing together, it was unbelievable. They always was with the guests. Because normally when you go to the wedding, the pair is just sitting and watching, so kind of boring.  But they were interactive.” 

“They were dancing together and singing a song for each other. I think they practiced a lot. I talked to her and she said you can't imagine how tough it was before to organize everything. It took half a year.  I was surprised. She was singing good.”

“I didn't [catch the bouquet]. [laughs] It was fun. Elena, she was like, did like this [wink] to me. And actually all the girls, they were like trying to, you know, like I was catching the flowers. Then suddenly, from somewhere, Dushevina came, you know, sprint, and she just stole it from me. [laughs] So, ok. Whatever.”

Whatever to your whatever, MaKiri.  YOU NEXT.

(Pics: Forty Deuce)

 

Buckle Up, Nigel. This Happens.

Praying ain't gonna help, Foxy.  Trust me, I've tried.

Another week, another disappointing loss.  It happens.  Sure, kick the kid while she's down.  Crack the jokes, have a giggle, revel in the fact that the pretty girl sucks at tennis.  I still believe in the kid.  I really do.  There's just too much talent there, she works so damn hard, and she cares so fricking much (too much? Perhaps).  I refuse to believe that we live in a world where that doesn't get rewarded down the road, one way or another.

Or maybe she's already been rewarded for it, winning a Slam and reaching #1 at such an early age, and the rest of her career is some form of penance.  Hell, if that's the case, I'm totally fine with it.  Why should it be that Fran or Nails get such accolades for being "late bloomers" when an argument could be made that they were underachievers for most of their career, whereas Ana, who achieved great success early, gets tagged with a "you suck at the tennis" label just because she's in a three-year slump?  I don't know.  I just kinda don't get it.  It's the curse of expectation, I suppose.  Still, that hardly seems fair.

Anyway, despite serving for the second set against Morita and leading 30-0, Ana found a way to choke away the game and the match, losing 62 75.  I thought Morita played really really well, so all credit to her.  That Fed Cup win by Japan last month may have bolstered her confidence.  As for Ana, she said afterwards that she's only been swinging a racquet for a week before Stanford, opting to take a 10-day break with her family to Mallorca, two weeks of fitness training with Scott, and then one week of tennis before heading to Stanford.  If one were to look for explanations for her poor form today, one might point to the rust inherent in her post-Wimbledon break. 

She was surprisingly chipper afterwards, clearly believing that her road back with this new team will be a long one.  Patience, both in her game and her fitness, seems to be the her mantra.  Having sat through quite a few Ana pressers this year, it all really makes sense: the kid doesn't have a whole lot of faith in her fitness, which translates to insecurity about her game, and those doubts cause her to overthink, and splat.

So without further ado, some Ana quotes:

"Definitely not at the level I expected to perform, but still there were a few positive things.  I just started with a new team for about a week now, so it takes time for some things to come in place.  Obviously nerves played a little bit a part, you know, trying to impress a new coach but that's just normal.  It's still a little bit disappointing with the loss and couldn't get a chance to get into the tournament.  But there's lots of positive things that I did out there.  I served well.  Trying to work on a few things and put it together.  But I just wanted to get out there and play a match.  Maybe a few more weeks of practice will be good to get more confidence in certain shots and patterns, but it's good to be out there competing and practicing in a pressure situation."

"We spoke a lot about about the few things that we are working on.  [Nigel] said 'When you're competing when you go out there I want you to trust your instincts and what you're going to do out there.'   But I still try to think too much about technical stuff.  But it's just a matter of practicing and doing it over and over again until it becomes automatic, basically.  It's a process.  It's only been a week, actually, that we've been working together.  It just takes time."

"I know there are a few tournaments coming up that I have to defend a lot of points.  But for me now, until the end of the year basically, it's more about getting that work done, that consistency, getting that base built up again, getting comfortable with my game again, getting that consistent level.  It's not so much about -- of course I would love to see the results straight away and win tournaments again, but sometimes that's not how you go and it takes time for certain things to get into place.  But like I said, I feel very comfortable and I really trust this team I have now around me.  I know good things will happen, it's just a matter of time."

She even cracked a joke:

"I mean you can't tell because I've been in England for a week, but I did have a really good tan [from vacation]."

I still believe in you, dude.  See you and your pale skin in San Diego!

(Pics: San Diego)

 

Lean, Mean, and Green.

• 6 aces
• 100% first serve points won (17/17)
• 82% second serve return points won
• Faced no break points
• 83% service points won
• 71% total points won
• 6-0, 6-0
• 47 minutes

Before the excited Stanford patrons could even buy their nachos and get back into the stadium, Serena was done.  She's been hitting the ball impeccably in the few practice sessions I saw here, but to see her transfer that form from practice to match was just ridiculous.  Serena didn't just make Rodio look like a chump on her way to her first double bagel since 2007, she made herself look like, well, Serena.  Like, the one that, if you're a Serena fan, you love, and, if you're not a Serena fan, you hate in the way that I hate sharks because I know a shark can kill me dead. 

It was a performance that left me (and others, *cough* The Double Bagel *cough*) laughing out loud and shaking my head.  The winners were just ridiculous in both pace and placement, she was moving really well, and she didn't even give Rodio enough time to act like the raging bitch that she normally is.  Ok, that's not true.  On match point (or the point before?), Rodio made a huge-ass stink at Lynn for an alleged ringing cell phone that went off during a point.  Lynn, being a normal and sane person, stared at Rodio like she was crazy.  Which she is.  That's why we love Lynn.

This Serena?  This Serena was scary good.  Not just "Oh, that was pretty good for someone coming back from injury and is only playing her 7th match back" good.  This was "Oh, that was good and I'm scared as a Masha fan and can someone please hold me as I suckle at the teat of Grandma Jameson" good.

Before she gets a crack at Masha she'll have to go through Lil' Mash on Thursday.  Nice win for MaKiri over a completely shambolic Gools today.  Straighten your shit, Gools.  That was U-G-L-Y and you ain't got no alibi. 

(Pics: Forty Deuce)

 

 

Tuesday Tunes: Marion Bartoli

Every Forty Deucer knows how much I love music.  I'm not all that great about telling people what I'm thinking or what my mental or emotional state is at any given time, but if you ever want to know where I'm at, just look at what I'm listening to that month, that week, that day, that minute.  I don't think everyone is like this, obviously, so musical selections can only carry so much weight.  For some, music is pure escapism.  I can only assume this is why the Black Eyed Peas are so popular, to which I can only say, why the hell would you want to escape TO THERE.

Ahem. 

With that in mind, introducing a new off-shoot of Tuesday Tunes, wherein I ask a player to curate the list.  

This week, the incomparable Marion Bartoli.

SERENA IS HERE.

Pardon me if I'm a little shocked.  I don't know, I just kinda almost thought she might not make the trip after WTT and whatnot.  But I rolled up this morning around 10am and there she was on the Stanford courts huffing and puffing her way through a not-so-light hit.  Sasha made her work and work she did, chasing down balls deep in the alley and getting them back with interest as Papa Williams looked on.  She was looking pretty great from the baseline.  I'm scared.

She's up tomorrow night against Rodio. 

(Pic: Forty Deuce)

Practice Makes Perfect.

A view of the practice courts this morning at the Bank of the West Classic. Gorgeous day and chicks who hit the ball really really hard. Well, and Maria Kirilenko.

Would you like to see the 2008 Australian Open finalists hitting side-by-side? OKAY.



And one nice thing about Stanford: You get rill rill close, whether you like it or not.

I wuff this tournament.

Excite@Home.com*

The WTA has rolled out some new signage incorporating the Strong is Beautiful portraits at The Bank of the West and needless to say, I love it.

Hope to see the campaign around all the summer events.

*Sorry.  Silicon Valley joke.

(Pics: Forty Deuce)

Welcome to the OC, Bitch.

And by "OC", I mean "Top 100".

Nice run in Atlanta, kid.  Now please stop being dingleberry on court.

From Bull Dog to Hang Dog.

You sir, are literally the only American player for whom I always root.  So this really bums me out. 

The Big Man was up a set and a break on Mardy Fish and even had two championship points, at least one of which on his racquet.  But he couldn't convert and once again fell to a fellow American in a tournament final, this time in his home state of Georgia, looking completely gassed in the process.  Bums me out.  I actually like him.

Oh, and it was hot.  And Halpert has tiny nips.  Information I probably could have done without.

Anyway, congrats and whatnot, Mardy. 

(Pics: Getty)

Scott Byrnes, M.D.

Welcome back, Scotty.  Tough life, tough life.

But seriously, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO HER???

 

Yes, obviously I am very concerned about the amount of work he's doing on the right side of her upper body.  Shoulder issues?  Already?  We still have a long season ahead of us.

BUT I AM MORE CONCERNED ABOUT WHY HE'S GIVING HER A PUBLIC MAMMOGRAM:

THAT IS WHAT SHOWERS ARE FOR, ANA!

I mean...I didn't even think there was any mammo to gram but leave it to Scotty to find a way.

But, you know, be safe, ladies. #PSA

(Pics: Forty Deuce)

Air Quotes: Their Plate's Kiiiiiiiiinda Full, Liezel. #southafricafacts

"When Wes Moodie and I won Wimbledon doubles titles in 2005, I actually thought it would change tennis in South Africa. Nothing changed. Maybe there's more important things to spend money on, maybe tennis is not important. Maybe it's more important for the government to build schools. I'm not there so I'm not sure why tennis is not getting funding. But it shows."

-- Liezel, world ambassador.

Pic This: Is That Your Fist In My Face, Or Are You Not Happy To See Me?

I'm baaaaaaack.

Well now you're just making this awkward.

Sorry.  Jesus.  And here I thought you guys liked me. 

Looking forward to spending the week at one of my favorite tournaments, The Bank of the West Classic in Stanford.  Main draw play starts tomorrow.  Here's the OOP.

(Pics: Forty Deuce)

Behave Badly? You? Naaaaaaaaaah.

"When I rock the mic I rock the mic right."

In what turned out to be a really great event that's right up my alley (Ana + Independent Bookstore + Q&A Session = Yay), Ana showed up to Kepler's Books in Menlo Park to hear a book reading from Inch and Miles and do a short Q&A session afterwards about her definition of success, her family, and the pressures of being a tennis player.  The event was packed out with both adults and kids to the point that Kepler's actually ran out of books.  Heartening.

Here's video of her Q&A.  Sorry it got shaky.  I got a little cocky and tried to take video AND a pic on my BB.  Multitasking multimedia, baby.  I ain't good at it.

"Giving your best every day is all you can ask of yourself, and eventually it will bring out the best in you and your potential."  Good stuff for kids to hear.  Coach Wooden would be proud.

(Pics: Forty Deuce)

How the Hell Is Bepa Not In This?

"What's up, dog? I killed you."

I Don't Want To Talk About It.

 

Marion was on-hand to help out with the Stanford draw and, honestly, I can't deal with it right now.  Potential 3R Serena/Masha?  Masha/Dani 2R?  Ana in Marion's quarter?  Sam and Sabine, who are playing dubs, possibly clashing in the 2R?  And, of course, Vika having a cake draw to the semis?  WHY YOU HATE ME, TENNIS GODS?

Pfft, whatever.  At least I reacted like a reasonable adult and immediately left the draw ceremony to down five beers.  That's how the big girls do it, folks.

Here's the full Stanford draw.  Qualies start Saturday.  Steph (@bellyflopz), her camera skillz, and I will be creeping around Palo Altos starting on Sunday. 

(Pic: Forty Deuce)

#practicemakeschampions

You waiting for the bus, Kiddo?

Yikes.  Way to sound like a pedo, C Note.

Some may think Number One learned that hashtag from her new boyfriend (STILL UNCOMFORTABLE GUYS).  I am not one of those people.  She was obviously inspired by Stella, who, after seasons of complete and utter fashion failure, looks to have finally figured out the less-is-more-except-in-the-case-of-length-in-which-case-just-make-sure-to-cover-her-ass-in-its-entirety concept of fashion design.  That education came at the cost of color, but seriously, I'd rather it this way.  I'M NOT COMPLAINING STELLA I PROMISES.

Oh, and in her infinite wisdom, Stella even came up with a Going-Out-On-Not-So-Secret-Casual-Dates outfit.  Better late than never, I guess:

Psst!  There's a camera in that tennis ball.

See more pics of Caro's new digs at the Adidas site.

 

This Is a Thing Now. I Guess.

It takes a lot for me to care about World Team Tennis.  I genuinely don't understand it, I don't get the scoring system, I don't get why it's so noisy, I don't get how it makes any money, I don't get any of it.  In fact, I generally tend to ignore it completely regardless of the haps.  But I suppose Chucky and Serena sharing a laugh on court probably counts as a relevant hap.

People seem really excited about the prospect of her return to the tour, given that whole mixed-doubles thing.  Is it ok if I'm not excited?  Does it make me a bad fan?  Do I care?  I just...Chucky was a big reason I stopped watching tennis in the 90s so seeing her squinty face just brings back bad memories of when I kiiiiiiiiiiiiind of hated watching tennis.

So please pardon me if I generally ignore all this Hingis stuff until it actually becomes a thing that can no longer be ignored.  I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

Sighz.

Oh, Serena jumped over a net.  Didn't cry though.  So as per usual, you are wrong, Janko.

(Pic: AP)

Required Reading

• Dare you to ruin it, Team USA.
• A round up of last week's results, courtesy of TSF.
• Bruce Jenkins argues that A-Rod was screwed no matter what.
• In case you missed it: Delpo threw his shoes.  But he also played with the ball kids.
• Gools is gorgeous.  But she's also NOT.
• Justin Gimelstob is a dick. 
• Boyfriend is not a dick.  Nice mailbag, as per yoosh.
• This post was fantastic.  I wish I had thought of it.
• Andy Murray's audacious tweener, which Judy kind of hates, in string form.
• Bodo on Delpo.  He calls him a popsicle.  It's not as bad as it sounds. #bigstick
• Sorry San Diego, but Kim will return in Toronto.
• Pappy pics of Rafa and Nole frolicking on the beach.  Not together.  I would add "obvs" but it might actually not be "obvs".
• Nope. Not sick of it.
• Aisam's engaged.  I'm happy.  My loins are not.
• Big John skipped his brother's wedding to play Newport.  At least he won.  Kinda.
• Non-Required Reading: 9 ways to get yourself onto onto the cover of SI if you have vaginal parts.
• Non-Required Listening:  This track is awesome.
• Non-Required Reading: I have no idea if this will make sense to anyone outside of the 415, but it made me laugh.  Mainly because it's dead on.
• Non-Required Reading: I want to be this guy.
• Non-Required Reading: A guy who hasn't read any of the books or seen any of the movies, watches all 7 HP trailers and tries to guess what they're about.
• Non-Required Reading: Humblebrag Hall of Fame.  You can also track the Humblebrag Power Rankings.

Mawwage.

Heh.

Congrats to Elena and Maxim. They tied the knot this weekend in Moscow. Thankfully, our intrepid society reporter Alla was on the scene.  You can click through her captivating TwitPic'ing here.

Questions for which I do not have an answer:

• Why does Sveta have Jackie O hair?
• What exactly is Vera D.'s belt holding up?
• What industrial strength flatiron did Dinara use?
• What the hell is Bepa wearing?
• Why are Igor and MaKiri so fucking adorable?

Only questions, you guys.  No answers.  I apologize.  I have failed you.

Oh!  And Gisela got married too!  No pics of that so far, though.  So obviously it didn't happen.

UPDATED: Yeah. Actually, it didn't happen yet. Good luck next week, Gisela!

(Pic: WTA official site)

The Most Adorable Videos of Maria Sharapova You Will Ever See.

Everybody say "awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..."

Thanks to The Double Bagel for the tip.

Generation Next. Now.

Do you like winners? ZOMG I LIKE WINNERS TOO! Let's get married!

Petra, Petra, Petra.  Your hossyness over the course of Wimbledon could not be denied.  Sure, we all knew you had talent, but it wasn't until I sat courtside as you dismantled Wicky, *actually* forcing her to break out in a "Well if you're going to play like that I got nothing" smile, that I truly believed. Your game is like nothing else out there.

How great was it to see the overwhelmingly positive reaction to Petra's win?  This seemed like a signal of things to come, and while everyone was waiting for Vika and Woz to be the ones to break through for Generation Next, it was Petra, the relative unknown (I mean that from a casual fan perspective) who absolutely demolished the field and signaled a new kind of game that felt unique and exciting.  Let's face it, it felt a hell of a lot like DelPo's run at the USO in 2009.  The woman puts her head down and grinds, she's charming in a refreshingly understated way, and what she lacks in shyness she makes up for in one of the biggest games currently on tour.  Heck, given current form it is THE biggest game on tour.  She can hit winners from any position, she's greatly improved on her movement, and HOLY SHIT SHE DOESN'T MIND COMING TO THE NET. 

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS AND CAN I HAVE MORE PLEASE.

It was a great tournament for the oft-forgotten members of Generation New (yeah, I'm trying out different names).  Not only did Petra break through but Sabine.  OH SABINE!  There has not been a day that has gone by since you crippling injuries that I didn't wonder what the tennis landscape would have looked like with you in the mix.  Another kid with an impossibly big game, her run to the semis was inspired.  That win over Nails and how she took care of business in her matches after that was such a great show of class from a kid who constantly looked like she was just happy to be playing tennis again.  That kind of joy is, unfortunately, rare and it was refreshing.  Unfortunately she played her one bad match when it really mattered, getting dismantled by Masha in the semis.  But from a personal perspective, it was so fun to follow her through the grass court season, first in Birmingham and then at SW19.

I can't wait to see if these two can carry their momentum through to the US hard court season.  They're two likeable women with games that are fantastically fun to watch. 

Bring it on, kids.

(Pics: Getty)

Pav'in the Way.

Yes, Pavs did indeed serve 25 double faults in a STRAIGHT SET win in Baku yesterday.  Normally I'd be facepalming really really hard. I mean...that takes affirmative effort.

But the result did inspire my favorite Twitter exchange from yesterday, courtesy of two Twitter stalwarts, @Ataraxis00 and @thedoublebagel:

EmoZing!

I Kinda Always Knew I'd End Up Your Ex-Girlfriend...

Holly Sweeney, Rory's ex-girlfriend, with...an odd tweet.

It's officially making me uncomfortable, you guys. 

I hope you know what you're doing, Caro.

Are There Internet Jizz Moppers? There Should Be.

Please watch this video. It is a visual rendering of what it was like to be on Twitter today when pretty much everything that was unexpected and mildly awesome (at least in an entertaining way) happened and we all got to hoot, holler, and snackle together. It was a collective internetgasm, the likes of which I have not seen in a very very long time.

Let me break it down for you.

First there was this:

Welcome to internet immortality, Wendy Deng. You'z amazing, gurl.

Then there was this seemingly impromptu livestream of Pico staring at the camera for two minutes and then doing a phone interview.

I would totally roll in the deep with you, Pico. Particularly if you keep showing your weird bed and pasty thigh. I could watch this video on loop. In fact, I think I will.

And then there came word (confirmed later by Killer) that this was happening:



Why he decided to both shave his head when he was just getting hot again, AND tack on an icky goatee I'll never know.  Look at how hot he was!  And that's coming from ME.

And then, BOOM:

Dinara goes a'huntin for mythical creatures. It's a show I would watch and a quest I would fear.

You played like a champion today, Internet.  Bring Internet the finest cheerleaders in all the land.  It's on me.

Tuesday Tunes

I've handed the reigns over for the day to @132_bpm because I've basically been listening to the same 20 songs for the past two months and unless you want me to just keep linking to Bon Iver, Sleater-Kinney, Rilo Kiley, LCD Soundsystem, and Arcade Fire, you're going to have to put up with these.

Air Quotes: Madame Manager

"I am not capable of managing others. Even if I do, I can only handle my husband Jiang Shan."

-- Nails, nailing it.  As usual.

Air Quotes: See? HE CAN HEAR YOU.

Air Quotes: Belated Wimbly Edition #1

Q. We have a new star at Wimbledon in Li Na who, like you, holds the hopes of an entire nation on her shoulders, albeit a larger nation. Do you have any words of advice for her?

ANDY MURRAY: Well, she's won a slam, so I should be the one asking her for the advice (smiling).

....

Caroline Wozniacki: I think it was 60 million people watching [the Roland Garros final] in China.

Q. 116.

CAROLINE WOZNIACKI: Well, close (laughter).

...

Q. You're looking forward to coming back to Wimbledon twice in a year?

RAFAEL NADAL: For sure, yes. I hope so, if I qualify (smiling). If not, wild card (laughter).

....

Q. At 7:00 a.m.?
ANDY MURRAY: Well, that's the thing. You have to give one hour every day where they can come. And because the last that you're ever thinking about when you wake up in the morning is that someone is going to come and drug test you. You put it at 7:00 in the morning because I know I'm going to be in bed. It's just a bit annoying because it was my day off and I was looking for a lie in. And then 7:00, it's like...

Q. So were you asleep at the time?
ANDY MURRAY: Yeah. I was fast asleep. But the thing is, as soon as the bell like from the house went, I sort of like woke up. Took like 10 seconds. Looked at my clock and it was bang on 7:00. It was like, I knew it was them. He rung the bell like six times, as well. It was like... (Laughter.)

Q. It's a bit harsh, isn't it? Surely you can't be happy about that many tests, or is that quite normal?
ANDY MURRAY: Normally around this time of year it's pretty normal at most of the big tournaments. I get tested here when the tournament's done. I'm sure the French Open always tests. And then because I'm at home, they always come right before Wimbledon, and then probably at Davis Cup, as well. Normally at Davis Cup we'll get tested, too. So it's a lot of testing, but just part of our job, unfortunately.

Q. Did you make them a cup of tea when they arrived?
ANDY MURRAY: My Mum did, yeah, which we shouldn't make them cups of tea. You know, it's just very intrusive when you get someone sort of in your house in the morning. When you're going to the toilet and they're staring at you, it's a bit... you know, in your own home, it's just quite strange feeling. (Laughter.)

Q. Are you sure they're drug testers?
ANDY MURRAY: You hope so. I've actually spoken with a few of the players about that in the past that, you know, they could easily... because it's not like we ever check. I don't really check, you know, whatever they're saying.

Q. They don't have a card saying...
ANDY MURRAY: They do, yeah. They do have the card, but I don't know. I mean, you're not going to know if it's real or not, are you?

...

Q. For sports fans back home, how would you explain or describe the level of attention or scrutiny Andy Murray is under here these two weeks, and Tim Henman before him?

ANDY RODDICK: Sure. You know, I've been front and center as far as tennis in my own country for a long time. I don't think it compares to what those guys go through here. I don't feel like I can relate.

You know, he gets the full rundown of he practiced for 36 minutes, then he ate a Snickers bar and then continued for another 14 minutes, and then it's like and that's on page four. We already read the first three pages of the day. You know, it's a little tough (laughter).

...

Q. You've been here a long time now. At one point you were the bad guy upsetting Tim Henman.

ANDY RODDICK: Actually, I never played Tim Henman here. But I'm still the bad guy. Point taken, but... (Laughter.)

Q. You got good support today.

ANDY RODDICK: It felt great. They've always been great to me, even when I was fake beating Tim Henman (smiling).

...

Q. Is it kind of surprising that Roger Federer hasn't really had any kind of injury to take him out?

ANDY RODDICK: Not really. He doesn't even look like he's trying when he plays, so how you gonna get hurt (smiling)?

...

Q. Did you see or hear about Serena's tears on court and can you understand the emotion of a first big win after an illness?

ELENA BALTACHA: I actually saw it. I was sitting watching the match. And do you know what? It was so nice to see her not that it was nice to see her break down; I don't mean it like that. Because I really idolize Serena, to see everything that she's been through, for her to come back here and just let that emotion come out, uhm, you know, because I think a lot of people think we're like machines in a way. Just to see that side of her, because she's a very strong personality, very dominant. And to see her kind of break down, it just shows what it actually means to her to be on court again with everything she's been through.

And you've really got to admire that. You really have to admire that. I really felt for her. It actually brought a tear to my eye. I thought, You've got to snap out of it because you've got a match. But, no, it was lovely to see that.

...

Q. She seemed to run you back and forth a little bit.

NA LI: Yeah, I know. I hate that, you know. (Smiling.) I like it standing.

...

Q. The Wimbledon homepage did an online survey yesterday who was the best looking male player who played Wimbledon in history. Who would have gotten your vote?

VENUS WILLIAMS: Usually I've never liked any of my colleagues. I try to keep it professional, hence no tennis relationships. So it's probably for the best for me to stay out of this. I usually like winners, though (smiling). So anyone winning is pretty cute to me.

...

Q. If your injury hasn't happened before, are you now thinking, Why me? Of all the times for it to suddenly come about. Are you feeling a bit, Why me, at the moment?

HEATHER WATSON: It's exactly how I'm feeling. Could have been another tournament. Why this one?

...

Q. At the beginning we heard you say, Oh, don't worry, I'm going to take it off. I'm not going to play with it. Do you think there were people that were actually worried you would play with that jacket on?

BETHANIE MATTEK SANDS: Oh, I don't know. Pam, one of the WTA supervisors, has probably seen a lot of my crazy outfits, so she had a look of worry on her face.

...

Q. Would you be happy to see Scottish players in this British Olympic team, the football team, that's been talked about?

ANDY MURRAY: I don't want to get into any of that political stuff. I've been involved in the Olympics, played under Great Britain, and it was an unbelievable experience. I loved it. It's not for me to decide. It's up to the Federations, that they can decide.

Certainly not getting drawn into any political stuff around this time of year, because we know what happens with that (smiling).

...

Q. No real form coming in here, no coach. What on earth has happened to you?

LAURA ROBSON: You make it sound like I was playing really bad (laughter).

...

Q. Is that mostly in terms of is tennis dying, a country club sport?

ANDY RODDICK: Listen. Here is what we're going to do. If you want to talk about an, Is tennis dying article, let's go by participation numbers, retail numbers, prize money, up, up, up, up, up. I hear this, Tennis is dying. Maybe it's water cooler talk. But I'll put more stock in the business of tennis in our country growing as opposed to having fun conversations around a water cooler.

Q. Why do you think it is that people refuse to accept the stats? The Wall Street Journal printed some stats which said that tennis over the past nine years is the only sport to increase participation in America.

ANDY RODDICK: This kind of gets to my first point. You can just say something and people read it as fact, but it's not researched. If you look at racquet sales, USTA memberships, across the board, it's been up. Do we have four guys in the top five in the world? No, we don't. That's about the only difference. That doesn't mean that tennis is dying. It's an international sport. I feel like a lot of times people refuse to accept that back home, which is unfortunate. It's as international a sport as there is as far as popularity. I feel like it doesn't get its maybe fair shake.

Q. 720,000 people at the US Open.

ANDY RODDICK: Listen, I can sit here and I can have two pages full of pros, the water cooler conversation as a con. So I like to deal in facts, and the facts say the whole dying thing, it's not accurate.

...

Q. So what are you bench pressing?

ANA IVANOVIC: I haven't gone that far yet. I'm still with rubber bands (laughter).

(Source: Wimbledon Website)

She Ain't A Top 10 Tweeter For Nothing.

My reaction upon reading this tweet was something along the lines of a snort and a cackle. 

A snackle, if you will.

Required Reading

• I disagree with a few (I prefer authenticity so all the stuff about scheduling Twitter updates seems bunk, along with the other rules that seem very corporate and self-promotey) but you could do worse than live by these 100 Twitter rules.
• One of the oft-discussed but oft-ignored issues that seemed to gain traction over the course of Wimbledon was players taking too long between points.  I *think* I'm agnostic on the issue (much like I'm agnostic on the shrieking malarkey).  Sure, I'd prefer if players sped up.  But I'm not tearing my hair out about it either.  That said, it is pretty refreshing when you watch players who do play at a quick to normal speed between points. 
• "Most fans won't be bothered by that, but there exists a thin line between advocacy and journalism in some of ESPN's niche sports, especially tennis and women's soccer."  Question: Do you care?
• Some follow-up on my Andy is misunderstood rant here and here.
• Oh, Canada.  You so cute.  In what world did you possibly think that this was going to fly?  I mean, sexism aside, it's just a really dumb slogan.  They've since decided to change it.
• It's easy to poke fun at Caro.  I mean...it's really easy.  But she's a genuinely nice kid, who works hard (too hard?), tries her best, and why should we piss on her parade, you know?  Well Boyfriend Jon has the most eloquent and fair breakdown on the problem (at least mine) with Caro.
• Sybille Bammer, destroyer of all things Serena, is hanging up her weird green shoes.  Happy trails, Sybille.  We don't really understand how you did it, but you did, and that is worthy of respect.  Also, your kid is rad.  
• I love The Rally.
• Fed apparently asked Martina Hingis to play mixed with him in 2012.  That would basically require her to come back on tour.  So...I'm going to go with "highly doubtful".
• "Do we need to say repeat again that Nadal made an absurdly low number of unforced errors (7) in their match?"  Yes.  Yes we do.
• Ok, see, I *seriously* do not understand stuff like this.  I thought Darren Clarke winning was a great story and people seemed absolutely riveted.  Lack of dominance does not mean chaos.  I mean, ok, it does kinda, but can't it be just as, if not more, exciting?
• Pete Bodo recaps Caro's year.  The hard court season will be interesting.
• Non-Required Reading: My new favorite posts on The Hairpin: Reading Between The Texts.
• Non-Required Reading: WTF, Russia.
• Non-Required Reading: Best Harry Potter-related blog post ever.
• Non-Required Reading: Just fantastic, in both concept and execution.

48,098. Hey, They Can't All Be Winners.

Funny story: Back in January, when I was credentialed in Melbourne, I just happened to be standing in line for a sandwich behind a journalist who I (at the time) liked and admired.  So I casually introduced myself and, since we had gone back and forth a few times on Twitter, mentioned my Twitter handle.  The conversation went like this, verbatim:

Me: "You're blahblahblah, aren't you?
Them: "Yes, hello."
Me: "Hi! I'm Courtney. We've gone back and forth on Twitter. I'm FortyDeuceTwits."
Them: "Oh, right!  Fantastic.  Nice to meet you."
Me: "Nice to finally meet you as well."
*pause*
Them: "You're quite a prolific tweeter.  You tweet a lot."
Me: "Hah.  Yeah, that's part of my schtick, I suppose."
Them: "Right.  *pause*  I generally tend to go for quality over quantity myself."

It was kind of a bummer interaction because I really did like the person up until then.  But it was a completely unnecessary passive-aggressive dig and my interactions with them since have never been all that warm or fuzzy.  Then again, I don't really have that many warm or fuzzy interactions with any journalists now that I think about it. 

WHY I GOTTA BE SO PRICKLY?!?!

Anyway.

The whole point of that story is this.  I'm on this list.  You're not.  Suck it.  #maturereaction

But seriously, thanks for the shout out, Tennis.com.  Any list that puts me in the company of K-Fish, Boyfriend Jon, Robbo, and Uncle Jamie is an incredible honor. 

Unless it's a hit list.  I don't think any of us would want to be on that list.  That would be a bad list.

Thanks to my family and friends for sitting by patiently while I rudely interrupted conversations or ignored them in order to send off an unnecessary tweet, laden with innuendo, that made no one laugh but me.  Thanks to my parents for raising an awkwardly shy kid who would rather stare at a computer or phone screen than actually go outside and interact with real, live, people.  Much love to alcohol.  You know what's up.  You and me, buddy.  And thanks to the tennis twitterverse for putting up with me.  Seriously you guys, 48,000 tweets is fucking insane and it had to be annoying.  You're the real heroes.

But lastly, thanks to tennis.  Somehow this sport we love inspired me to fire off 48,000+ 140-character or less missives over the course of two and a half years.  That's love.

NEWSFLASH: Love Does Not Exist And It Never Did.

Fresh on the heels of the Roro news, rumors are swirling that Lucie and Tomas aren't exactly Lucie and Tomas anymore.  Per Foot Fault, Sofia Arvidsson accidentally-on-purpose broke the news, presumably on her blog. 

Perhaps this is the reason he got his ass whooped 60 61 by Sod this weekend?

In not-related-but-I'm-gonna-pretend-it's-related news, Rilo Kiley have called it quits.  My world is upside down, you guys.  I've lost my north, my south, my east, my west. 

Hold me, Hope Solo.  Hold me.

UPDATED: Roro McWoz

So it would appear that, in her quest for a major, Caro's getting all friendly with Rory "I'm Not A Hobbit But I Play One On TV" McIlroy.  Omes Tennis spotted them in a London restaurant on Sunday, getting cozy, canoodling, and...well, I'll let her say it:

Pics were taken, and much to Omes Tennis' credit, she took them down from her blog and Twitter account over privacy concerns.  I really have to applaud that move.  She had the scoop but had enough respect for the athletes to pull down the pics.  But those of us who did see them can confirm that it was in fact them and they did seem very very chummy.

And if you needed further proof, here's Caro's tweet from today:

Girl, we know you were dining with Rory.  AND YET YOU, QUEEN OF ALL THAT IS NAME-DROPPING, DIDN'T MENTION IT?  Confirmation by omission.

I find it all oh so amusing.  Rory seems like a nice enough guy (though, didn't he/doesn't he have a girlfriend?  If they broke up it was only VERY recently) but it just seems like such an odd match.  From the pics it didn't look like this was a first date.  They were dressed very super casual, third-datey, sitting on the same side of the table, etc.  Also, and maybe this is just a personal thing, HE'S SO SHORT.  That's a dealbreaker, ladies.

And now for a mini-rant:

A certain journalist, who has a well-documented history of attempting to "police" bloggers in our use of information, pictures, access, language, etc., has written about the whole thing and has included the pictures Omes Tennis took into her post.  As I said, Omes Tennis has pulled down the pics and explained her reasoning here.

Some people might not have a problem with this.  The pics are out there and they're going to be posted in forums and tumblrs and whatever.  People are going to see them.  People are going to use them.  That's just what happens on the internet.

But "people" using them and sending them around is one thing.  Hell, bloggers using them and sending them around is one thing.  But a professional journalist who seems to pride themselves on setting the ethical standards bar on what is proper and improper "reportage" (seriously, there is not one blogger who has not scolded in one form or another -- it's officially a rite of passage) continuing to use pictures that a private citizen took but has since deleted seems tremendously hypocritical.

There is no bright line rule in this situation.  Unless Omes Tennis contacts people directly and asks them to pull them down (Yahoo! Tennis has also posted them), people are free to use them, I guess.  But let's not pretend there isn't a choice either.  You can tell the story without the pictures.  You're using the pictures in order to get hits.  That's fine and we all understand that.  But at the end of the day we're all defined by the choices we make.  And when those choices are made publicly and unabashedly, especially in light of a history of "hall-monitoring", don't be surprised if we roll our eyes and laugh at you and simply refuse to take you seriously. 

Respect is a two-way street.  Welcome to the new world order.

UPDATED: So the reporter in question has responded in the comments to clarify the circumstances surrounding her use of the pics.  I think it's only fair to include her comment in the body of the post because, well, it's the fair thing to do. 

I just wanted to set the record straight. I contacted Omegie and asked for her permission before I posted the photos. I wouldn't necessarily do it for Twitter pics because that's public information. But I wanted to ensure, given the fairly blockbuster nature of the pics, that she was okay with it and was credited the way she wanted to be. She gave her permission. All of that happened Sunday afternoon. The pics and post have been up since then, long before Omegie had a change of heart Monday. She did not ask me to take them down.

So there you go.  Fair and balanced. 

Sucks To Be You, Cancer.

If you follow Kleybs at all (and really, don't we all? She's one of the most dangerous of floaters at any tournament), you know that she's had to withdraw from a number of tournaments this Spring and Summer, including Roland Garros and Wimbledon.

Well today's her 22nd birthday, and she took the time to announce that she has Stage 2 Hodgkins Lymphoma.

Her words:

Hello everyone :)

It's my birthday today and I want to thank all of you for the wonderful messages. I haven't written anything for a long time about why I haven't been on tour, so that's why I'm writing this today.

It's not an easy time for me right now. I've been a bit unlucky with my health. I have Hodgkin's lymphoma, a form of cancer. I've been having treatment in Italy and it has been going well, but it takes lots of patience and I've had to be really strong to go through this. The good news is after I do treatment for a few more months, if I feel well, there's a chance I'll be able to play tennis again. I really miss playing - I miss seeing fans and friends around the world, I miss hitting the ball, I miss everything. Tennis has been my life for the last 15 years.

There are a few reasons I'm undergoing treatment in Italy. First, I have a training base and many close friends here, so it's like home. Second, they have a really great hospital here that specializes in this problem; I've been going there since the problem started, so the doctors know me well. It's the best place for me to be - the surroundings help me stay strong.

I am a strong person. I've shown it before. Obviously this is different than anything I've ever experienced, but after this is over my life will be even better than before. This is the toughest time in my life, and I hope it always stays the toughest time in my life. I'm sure I'll be able to overcome this - it's just a matter of patience and time.

When this is over, everything will be even better than before.

Of course, even though I'm in treatment, I hope I'll have a fun birthday today :) I'm really happy I have the best and most important people with me here today. My family and best friends are all here. They're here all of these days and weeks helping me get through this.

Anyway, I wanted to write to you all because it has been a long time... I won't be on tour for a little while, but I will see you all again soon :)

Alisa

Pic This: 10 Points For Gryffindor!

Happy Harry Potter Day, nerds. 

(Pic: Laura Robson's Twitter)

Dorkin' For Charity.

Masha, Nails, and Caro have confirmed for Tokyo and they'll arrive a bit early to do some charity events for the tsunami victims. Great to hear. Lord knows the Japanese love them some Pova.

Of Silver Foxes and Mandals.

That's Nigel Sears.  Up until about two weeks ago he was head coach of women's tennis at the LTA.  Prior to that he had coached Dani to a Top 5 ranking.  Now he's Ana's new coach.  Yup, kid batted her eyelashes and hired Nigel away from the LTA.  My guess is that he was kinda ok leaving anyway, but there is much to be said about being the guy who helps Ana rediscover her form.  I would love to hear the names of the other folks who threw their hats into the ring for the gig.

Oh, did I mention that Nigel is Kim's dad?  Yeah, here's hoping part of the contract requires Kim to take Ana on some London shopping sprees and teach her that she can in fact wear her hair in non-Pocahontasy styles.  That alone would be worth his salary.

We'll see how it goes.  He seems fairly well-respected as a tennis coach.  But he also seems a bit dick.  He's been known to be quite demanding and blunt with both players and press, two things that, if handled poorly, aren't entiiiiiiirely valued in the Ivanovic camp.  He publicly criticised Dani's attitude in 2003 and he's been known to not exactly mince words when it came to discussing player fitness.  So...fingers crossed that he doesn't leave Ana in a sobbing heap.  At least not consistently.

In addition to bringing on Nigel, Scott "Check Out My Mandals" Byrnes will be rejoining the team.  I love this move.  Ana was the perfect level of fitness under Scott (2007/2008) and he probably knows her body better than anyone else. 

And no that was not meant to be dirty in any way, shape, or form.

Anywho, welcome to hell, Nigel and Byrnesy.  Let's turn this boat around, shall we?

(Pic: Getty)

Don't Worry. I'm Sure He's Still a Grumpy Prick and You Can Go Back To Hating Him Shortly.

So I camped overnight in the Queue at Wimbledon, right? A more comprehensive description of that experience will follow. But while I was in the Queue I did a thing with ESPN that involved me interviewing other peeps in the Queue (#humblebrag).  It was fun and I met some really interesting people who were, quite possibly, bigger tennis fans than me.  It was...disturbing.

BUT.  Ok, so they were queueing up for Center Court tickets to Manic Monday, which basically required them to start camping on Friday.  The numero uno person in the queue was a chick named Jess, and she had pitched her tent at 4pm on Friday.  She was British.  In fact, 90% of the people in the front of the queue were British.  So I obviously assumed that they had gone out of their way to queue early to guarantee a Center Court ticket because they wanted to see Andy on Center.

I WOULD BE HORRIBLY MISTAKEN.

Nope.  Everyone was queued up for one of three reasons: (1) ZOMG I WANNA SEE CENTER COURT! (2) ZOMG I WANNA SEE RAFA! or (3) ZOMG I WANT TO SEE ROGER. 

Seriously.

So being the unbiased journalist that I am, I proceeded to try and convince everyone that they should be excited they get to see Andrew.  Nope.  They weren't having it.

BUT WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ANDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!??!

• "He's unlikeable."
• "He's so grumpy."
• "He doesn't seem to care."

Lather, rinse, repeat, sigh.  Bummer City. 

I honestly can't think of any other player on the ATP tour who is as misunderstood as my future boyfriend Andy Murray.  I mean, I kinda thought the whole "Scottish/British" Andy apathy was, like, a joke.  But having now been in Britain I can honestly report to you that it is not a joke.  They really don't dig his pasty white cheddar.  The cheers seem reluctant when he's winning and they transform into smug, "told ya so" eye-rolling when he's losing. 

Why?  Because he made a crack about the English football team YEARS ago that was taken COMPLETELY out of context?  Because his voice just doesn't have the proper tone or inflection for you?  Because you can't understand why a guy with a scraggly beard and no personality could possibly pull a hot chick like Kim?  (Sidebar: Kim's hair?  AMAZING)

It's so disappointing.  It's made even more disappointing because it's so obvious that he hears all this and as much as he's like "Nah, I don't feel the pressure and I don't care what people think," HE TOTALLY DOES FEEL IT AND HE TOTALLY DOES CARE. 

Andy's cried publicly twice.  He let the water flow in Melbourne after losing to Roger.  Go back and check the video.  Andy's all fine and whatever UNTIL HE STARTS TALKING ABOUT LETTING DOWN THE BRITISH PUBLIC.  Then the cries kick in in earnest.  Then, at Davis Cup, he's all whatever until he starts talking about the tremendous support he got in Glasgow.  Once again, he's "done".

Every morning when I was standing/sitting/passed out in the Queue, I'd buy a bunch of different morning papers.  It became my ritual and everyone made fun of me for having a stack of three papers that I'd pour through before the queue even started moving.  And every morning I was left shaking my head, scoffing, or rolling my eyes at the way the British press chose to write about Andy.  It's as though they were physically incapable of writing about him without a drop (or overflowing river) of negativity seeping in.  Is it the result of overcompensating in order to show objectivity?  Is it laziness because it's far easier to rehash the same narrative than to work to correct the true narrative?  Is it that they just truly don't like him?  I don't know.  It's probably a combination of all three.

I'm obviously predisposed to loving Andy no matter what, but GOD why do they feel the need to throw the dude under the bus every chance they get?  To paraphrase the ever quotable Katie, who never lets us get negative sitting courtside for her faves, "Shut up!  He can hear you!"

So when I heard that Andy let the tears flow in Glasgow it broke my heart a little.  Here he was, playing for his country a week after he suffered yet another tough loss at a Slam, in front of no more than 3500 people in Glasgow, and the dude was so moved by the overwhelming support he received that he cried.

Andy Murray is one of the few "good guys" on the tour.  What's the basis for this statement?  The fact that I've never seen him out (and trust, I've seen a lot of them out) and I've never heard a story from any insider about any idiocy (and trust, I've heard a lot of stories about a lot of folk).  He doesn't go out, he doesn't try and snag tail, he doesn't cheat on his girlfriend, he doesn't drink, and he's a total momma's boy.  He's got a wickedly dry sense of humor, no one on tour has a bad word to say about him, and he works so damn hard and success obviously means the world to him.  I guess that makes him boring and apparently there is no greater sin in tennis than being boring. 

Get behind your boy, Britain.  Without him you've got nothing.  And if having nothing is better than having Andy Murray, well, I think it's time y'all take a hard look at yourselves in the mirror.  I'm sorry that he's not the potential Champion that you want but he's the potential Champion that you've got.  Deal with it.

 

Married to the Max.

Elena D. and Max are finally getting married!  How did we find out?  From loose-lipped fashion expert, Alla K.

Congrats to the happy couple.  I miss seeing Max stress out during Lena's matches.  Hell, I miss stressing out during Lena's matches.

Actually, I just miss Lena's matches.

Sigh.

/emo

Done.

Anyway, if a transcript of Sveta's unsolicited impromptu toast don't make the internet, Imma gonna be peeeeeeeesed.

UPDATED:  HAHAHAHAHHA.  Dinara posted the deets.  She's gonna 4square it too, obvs.  Thanks for the tip, @anna_tennisfan

Age of Aquarius.

"Hey sexy. Why you so sexy? You so sexy the world wants to be sexy witchu. And you can’t help bein’ sexy back. And there’s nothin’ sexier than that. So get your sexy on. But be careful, some people can’t handle all your sexy. So sexy with caution."

Uncle Jamie does some horoscoping. 

And yes, this was an excuse to post a shirtless Marat pic.  Like I said, I'm looking for inspiration.

Baby Got Back.

And front, actually.

CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT SERENA'S ASS FOR A SECOND.

First of all, I was at a bar watching the ESPYs on a tiny fuzzed out TV screen and totally recognized Serena from her backside.  I have witnesses.  It was pretty cool. 

Second, like whoa.  I bow down, girl.  There's a reason you were Kanye's muse.  Anyone who wants to talk about JLo having a lump can just STFU because Serena's is, like, out of this world POW.   Dial 1-900-MIX-A-LOT.  Look at that thing!  It would make an amazing beer pong table.  I want to rest my lukewarm, half-empty can of Coke Zero on it and watch it magically move backstage.  Some poor soul who works for IKEA rolled into work this morning with an urgent voicemail telling him to conduct scientific research on the structural integrity of that ass to determine how they can make shelves that don't disintegrate under the weight of the complete set of Christopher Pike novels.

What?  Yeah.  I read them.  Shut up.  It was the closest thing to porn when you're 12 years old.

Anyway.  All I'm saying is that ass is magnificent and Serena fucking rocked it last night.

Speaking of rocks, let's just say the WTA could change their slogan to "Bigger Is Better":

Hahaha.  Nice ring.  Did you get that from Claire's???

Oh.

(Pics: Reuters)

Smooth Move, Ex-Lax.

I have lots to say.  I mean, obvs, right?  I spent two fucking months living out of a suitcase, jumping from hostel to hostel, throwing up in random bathrooms throughout The Continent (caps=respect), getting rescued from a en fuego train in the Swiss Alps, and generally having the time of my life -- except the two weeks in Paris which sucked because Paris hates me and I hate Paris and it is mutual so it's fine.  I met a slew of lovely people who took it upon themselves to make sure I never "went" to sleep so much as "fell" asleep, and I met a bunch of complete and utter fucktards, primarily at hostel bars, who taught me that I should basically never go to a hostel bar and that drunk lecherous men with yellow fever should just go away and form their own leper colony. 

Oh, and I learned how to pitch a tent while wildly hungover in 95 degree heat.  I mean, you guys.  That's a fucking life skill you can't buy.

All that said, I have what we writers in the biz call "constipation".  It's like so much happened and I'm trying to sort it out and until I do I can't really find the words.  I also have what we alcoholics in the biz call "blackout memory", which is an oxymoron because if you blacked out, you have no memory.  Which...makes sense because alcoholics are idiots.  I mean, not really, but kinda.  I say that only because I'm trying to reconstruct shit that happened from transit receipts, bruises, and notes scribbled on cocktail napkins.  It is a harrowing walk down lack-of-memory lane.

So if it's ok with everyone (because apparently you all have very strong opinions about what I should write  about, how and when I should write about it, and whether I should be writing anything at all because I'm a complete and utter bitch) it's going to take me some time to actually talk about everything.  Because I really do want to but I want to do the Adventures (caps=respect) and You (ditto) justice.  Most of you have been tremendously patient and understanding and I genuinely appreciate it. I'll try and make you proud.

So let's all take a deep breath, chill out, and Keep Calm and Andy On.

In the meantime, I'm going to just start posting random stuff in random order to see if I can't get the writing juices flowing.  Which...ew.

(Pic: Buzzfeed)