Forty Deuce

FD 2010 Year In Review: December

December: It's not just a song by Collective Soul.

• What better way to kick of the month of Christ than a montage of Chakky's greatest hits.
• Year-end awards.
• Grigor was a bad boy.  And not in a sexy way.
• NEVERMIND.  VIDEO OF THE YEAR.
• Digital Death. Pharmaceutical Resurrection.
• CUTENESS.
• I freaked out about Davis Cup.  And if you read that post you can tell that I had absolutely no idea what I was talking about.  As per usual.
• I missed MAncic.
• Serbia: Davis Cup Champions.  In style.  Bless.

And that was the 2010 tennis season.  Crazy, huh? 

So enjoy your break and I'll see you when the 2011 season kicks off.

You know, tomorrow.

FD 2010 Year In Review: November

The stamina of tennis fan is truly amazing.  November and we're still not done.

• Ana and Heinz broke up.
• I hope Christoph and Wayne join a club.  Then we can just nuke that club.
• Bali was great.
• The ATP was sputter-tastic.
• Kleybs!
• The ladies say goodbye to Elena.
• PICTURE OF THE YEAR.
• Fed Cup came.  Fed Cup went.
• Exclamation.  Point.
• Still slurping.
• Caro started cashing in.
• Roger ate pizza.
• The MurBros won in Valenthia.  Judy was not impressed.
• #Liezelfacts took over the world.
• Fer cut it.  Finally.
• Sod came out on top of an otherwise crazy Paris.
• Never go full-pedo, Andy.
• Still pretending this is a dig at JJ.
• No wait, is this video of the year?
• Ana.  Bag Check.  Glory.
• Wardrobe malfunction in London.
• Dinara emerges.
• I got really into Harry Potter.  It showed.
• ANDY MURRAY IS FUNNY, YOU GUYS.
• Serena continued her avoidance of me by pulling out of both Hopman and AO.
• An errant contact lens ruined what would have been a great match.
• Liar, liar, pants en fuego.
• Andy freaks out a kid.  Much to her delight.
• Rafa got angry, Nole kept nailing everything off-court (whoops), and I kept making Harry Potter references.
• It was awesome.  And then it wasn't.  But it was still awesome.  And that, my friends, is the only way to describe my 2010.
• Fed was amazing.  Also, amazing?  Nenad and Daniel's break-up sex.
• Hitler rants about Andy Murray.  I hear ya, Adolf.  I hear ya.

HOLY CRAP THIS SEASON IS SO LONG....

Waltzing Matilda

My bags are packed, my gadgets charged, and I have enough cash in my pocket to get good and drunk at the airport bar.

If I can't get back online before then, I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful New Year.  Kind of crazy to think that a year after I wrote this I'm now on my way to Australia.  Life is a bit nutty that way.

Just as a reminder, you can follow my tennis-related tweets from Australia via @fortydeucetwits, and my personal travel hijinks from my personal account, @pandaxprs.

See you on the flipside, bitches.

Every. Single. Day.

Here's the Hopman Cup schedule.  Play starts on New Year's Day, though I'll only be attending the Serbia and GB ties.  Ana will take on Slava, Molik, and Justine (!) and Robbie opens up on Monday against Fran (!), and then has Mladenovic and Bethanie.  As for the boys, Nole vs. Lleyton could be interesting and Moose vs. Halpert will be fun.

Let's do this, PERTH.

She So Did Not Say That.

Who needs a PR team when you have the Australian media to spin your words into bulletin board material?

Also, LOL at B-Decks at 0:34.

FD 2010 Year In Review: October

October was full of odds and ends, Doha, and tears.  Don't forget the tears.

• Another contender for picture of the year AND video of the year.
• Novak and A-Rod made some funnies in Seoul.
• Lumberjacks in Asia.
• Caro gets to #1.
• Ladies and Gentlemen, Maggie Murray.
• Momentum.
• Rafa takes Tokyo.  Nole took Beijing.  Gilles looked cute.  Asia, in otherwords, was pretty great.
• Serena pretty much calls it a season.  Justine, meanwhile, was still not playing tennis.
• My crew finally started winning in Asia.  That was short-lived.
• Moose finally confirmed for Perth and WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
• My friend Estef gets chased by Novak.  Not sure why she was running.
• I felt bad for A-Rod.
• When pretty girls puke, it's headline news.
• Tennis.com made a bit of an error.
• Andy and Pico flirt.
• Pico won matches.
• TGIF.  Forever.
• ANDY MURRAY ALMOST DIED.
• Still cracks me up.
• BEST WEEKEND EVER.  Happy.
• Moscow.  Clearly Gap's inspiration for its monochrome winter line.
• The ladies start looking back.
• Zirina Diyas happened.
• Sasha locked it down.
• You're going to regret that when you get fat, kid.
• Viktor picked up a title in Moscow.
• The new WTA logo gave me so much material.
• Prom in Doha.  And I devote a lot of space to doubles.
• Bepa gets glam.
• As much as I made fun of the digital death campaign, this was so much worse.
• I'm still offering to trade.
• Any excuse to bring up Bonnie Tyler is automatically made of win.
• Jamie gets hitched.
• I...got...a...boat?
• I vent about Vika.
• Ana and Robbie!
• Pour one out.  Elena Dementieva retires.
• And the month ended with a cute picture of Andy.

And we don't stop.  Cuz we can't stop....

Required Reading

A few news items to get everyone up to speed before the New Year:

• Robbie's hired Patrick Mouratoglou as her coach.  So I guess I'm going to need to start learning how to spell that.  Or come up with a nickname.  I'm going back forth between Rick and P-Glue.  Stay tuned.
• Mels Bells has switched from Adidas to Wilson.  Which...Wilson?  Really?  For clothes?  The only thing I'm wondering is how much Wilson paid her.  Have to think it was a lot to lure her away from Adidas.
• Masha's landed in Auckland. 
• Marcos has lost 10 lbs.
• A-Rod feels healthy now.
• Justine's still not 100%.
• It's been a really wet month in Australia.
• Add JCF and A-Bond to the list of AO withdrawals.
• Moose will stick with Alex and Dani for the time being.
• The nutty weather made Judy miss Jamie's Colombian wedding.
• Roger and Rafa announced their preliminary schedules.
• Non-Required Reading:  Serbia is awesome.  In every way.
• Non-Required Reading:  You could do worse than to start 2011 with "Pony".
• Non-Required Reading:  Still trying to wrap my head around this Portman Pregnancy.
• Non-Required Viewing:  A New Hope.  The force is strong in this one.

TAKE IT *ALL* OFF, YOU LANKY BASTARD!

Tears. Love. Delpo.

Novak Djokovic: GOAT Schiller of Goods.

Worth it for the Hyundai footage alone.

Pic This: What Up, ABS.

 

Like whoa.

Oh, and there's video, too:

Nice use of Adele, Nike.

(Thanks, @thedoublebagel)

Tuesday Tunes

FD 2010 Year In Review: September

Ah, the mythical tennis Fall season.  I say "mythical" because most people pretend it doesn't exist.  But not me.  NOT ME.

• Once again, people just refuse to take 30 seconds out of their day to understand the ranking system.
• Serbia and France booked their spots into the DC final.  Emo.
• J-Mac said some things.  I said some things back.
• The Lady Armada took a stand.
• Happy 40th Birthday, WTA.  You don't look a day over 16.
• I got bored.
• Andy Murray.  Burberry.  Dead.
• The WTA started unveiling its awesome cache of videos.  I mean...ninjas.  NINJAS.
• DELPO ANNOUNCES HE'S READY TO BANG SOME COCK.  And he did.  Ventaja, all of us.
• Fed kept stalking Rafa.
• Ana was winning and Masha was losing.  
• This seemed to piss you guys off.
• If you were in Japan, wouldn't you?
• Kimiko was wreaking crazy havoc in Asia.
• Fernando was shirtless.
• I whine about JJ needing to be coachable.
• Rafa was still hungover.
• I still think this is one of the videos of the year.
• Aga had a tearful end to her season.
• In the kitchen with the WTA.

We're almost there...

Pic This: You Guys! No!

I find it really hard to defend this sport against "elitism" attacks when pictures like this are floating around.

Like, really hard.

Required Reading

• Rating the top Slam performers.
• Boris is disappointed in Moose and Falcon.  In case anyone was wondering.
• I guess having "barbies" on Christmas means a completely different thing in Australia.
• FoxSports continues to annoy the crap out of me with lists like "Who got the most gift-wrapped season" and "Who was the most disappointing even though he or she didn't really play at all".  I prefer my tennis commentary, particularly year-end commentary, to be positive, light, and fun.  This negativity is, to this fan, unnecessary and nauseating.
• God I hope that hair grows back soon.
• Still annoyed by the whole "Sam didn't bother showing up " storyline, but I do love all the props Fran gets for this performance.  Tignor picks it as his match of the year.
• Non-Required Reading: The Wikileaks Task Force?  Seriously, are you retarded, CIA?
• Non-Required Reading: An interesting take in the Washington Post on women's sports fans, and some additional thoughts from Slate's June Thomas.  LOVE HER.

I Got 99 Problems and My Wrist Is One, HIT ME!

Jay-Z is officially out of the Australian Open, which means she'll probably plummet down to somewhere in the 50s rankings-wise. 

On behalf of all overachieving short Asians around the globe: FUCK!

(Pic: Forty Deuce)

FD 2010 Year In Review: US Open

I popped my Slam cherry and dispproved an age-old addage:  Your first time doesn't have to suck.

• This post pretty much explains my USO experience.
• New York Magazine got us ready for some tennis.
• Things got creepy when I befriended a 16 year old.  But whatever.  She started it.
• I'd like to pretend I was Ana's good luck charm.  Let's go with that.
• The best pictures I have ever taken.
• I now have a Serbian bestie.
• Ana and Novak.  Being hot and adorable.
• Rafa and Sam!
• STUPID FENCE.
• The SamTracker 5000 is officially Slam tested, Sam-approved.  I made up that last part.
• Dinara lost but at least Rausa got a nice tan.
• The Petko Dance.  Hey Hey!
• Vika collapsed.  Not good.
• We got called out by J-Mac.  It was pretty awesome.
• Novak kept nailing his pressers.
• The hurricane never came.  Which meant that I got to exchange words with Dragana.  And I flipped out.
• Caro scored her biggest win.  And then she ran into this.
• How this shot got no love in Tennis Channel's Shots of the Year blows my mind.
• Sam lost to the eventual champion.  Again.  I was left catatonic for a few days.  Again.
• Misha???  MISHA!!!!
• Um. Hi.
• Halpert and Sunshine flirted with flirting.
• That was a rough one for Venus. 
• A couple of shirts.  Yup.
• Nole pulled it off.  And I cackled in the only way a tennis blogger can.  Which was still not as awesome as this guy.
• Jada: Over it.
• The boys at Busted Raquet and I live-blogged the men's final.
• Boom.  This headline sums up the year, I think.
• Squee!  Sigh.  Awwwwww....
• Don't worry.  We won't.
• A final shoutout to all my new friends.

Donald Duck Is So *THAT* Guy At The Party.

Do Disney characters just follow Rafa wherever he goes?

The boys wrapped up their charity exos with Rafa winning in three sets in Madrid.  Predictably, I might add.

PUT SOME FUCKING PANTS ON, DONALD.

Perv.

(Pics: Getty, AP)

Vamos.

I don't speak Spanish. Like, at all. So this is what I can gather from this video:

• Rafa needs to talk without smiling more often.  Hot.
• Pau is angry about something.
• I want to give Andres a noogie.

And there you go.

Be Safe. Be Joyful. Be Maury.

Happy Christmakkuh to all, and to all a good drunken night.

(Pic: Is That All There Is?)

'Tis The Season.

Good News, Odesnik Fans...

He's baaaaaaaack.

Cheater Cheater HGH Eater, who was suspended a year ago for importing HGH into Australia, has apparently ratted out a bunch of folks.  Thus the ITF, in its unimpeachable wisdom, chopped his suspension in half which means he's be eligible to play just in time for the start of the season.

That's right.  Wayne Odesnik will be playing tennis and importing HGH to a town near you.

IT'S A FUCKING CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!!

Have fun on the tour, douchebag.

(Pic: ATP Site)

FD 2010 Year In Review: August

Honestly?  July through September are a complete blur to me and I am thankful that I kept a running diary on Forty Deuce to document my travels and experiences. 

• A solid nomination for Quote of the Year.
• Vika finished off Stanford.  Much to my chagrin.
• With Stanford done, I hopped in a car with Love All and headed down to San Diego for the Mercury Insurance Open, where this was waiting for me.
• Dinara said goodbye to Twitter because there are assholes on the internet.
• I got punchy and recorded one of the more incoherent podcasts ever.
• I hit San Diego, sans press pass, which made it all the more ridiculous.  You can read all about it, Cincy, and New Haven here.
• I saw Sergey.  That was nice.
• I pretended Sam was happy to see me. 
• Steph took some amazing pictures of Dinara, MaKiri, and basically EVERYONE.
• Kleybs wrung out her sweat in front of Sneki.  And it was AWESOME.
• Dani dared step to Lynn.
• Meanwhile, all my friends were in LA and I forgot that this happened.
• I got Sam's room number, and like a responsible adult, I did not act a fool.
• "I love you Facebook!"
• JJ complained about her injury.  Dani and Sveta told her to STFU.  Politely.  Kinda.
• Sam's arm injury flared up, as did her propensity to lose to Flavi.
• This exo happened, which basically led to the greatest picture Steph has ever taken (last one).
• Nalby went nuts in D.C.   And kept it going in Toronto.  Until Andy took him out and eventually took the title.
• Sveta won SD.
• MaZheng.  Encore, bitte!
• Ana beat Vika in Cincy and the resurgence began.  Also,  I got drunk.  But not before giving Montreal a piece of my mind.  As did Ana.
• Bestie x Bestie.
• Sorry.  I just love that Sam re-gripping vid.
• I, rather impulsively, decided to do the USO Series --> USO swing.  IDIOT.
• Ana's run was ended in a totally non-depressing way.  And the Cincy finals was nutso.
• I arrived in Cincy and was promptly greeted by the shirtless men of the ATP.
• Rafa was looking all stressed out.
• I embarassed myself by taking crazy creepy video on behalf of my bestie DonkeyGrooming.
• I got papped at an Andy Murray practice.
• ESPN did a great piece on Masha.
• I witnessed "Fuck is a warning."  LIVE.
• An Ana-less Montreal was cursed with a shitload of rain.
• New Haven was...interesting.
• "I am Rafa."  HELL YEAH, YOU ARE.
• I reunited with Sam and she thanked me by saving match points.
• Elena Vesnina ruled.
• Dinara made a run in New Haven and gave good quote.
• Marcos kept his promise, probably to his detriment.
• I defended Caro.  Which was weird.

On to New York.  Just when I thought things couldn't get crazier...

Pic This: Tennis.com Is *Really* Tore Up About This.

Pic This: Well That's A Bit Rude.

(Pic: Reuters)

Air Quotes: No, It's Forecep Science.

"Sam always thought she had to hit backhand cross-courts with the best girls in the world.  But the first thing I saw was: `Well, you've just got to hit backhands through the middle and lines to get more forehands. Why are you trying to go string for strings? Get it back on your terms'.  No one had ever told her that and I can't believe that.  It's pretty simple - the more forehands she gets, the more chances she has to win.  It's not rocket science. Steffi Graf made a career out of it.  And from then on, Sam said that (approach) just took all the pressure off to know she had this great shot she never (used before). She used to practise it for hours.

I just told her: `If you're going to win 70 per cent of your points with your forehand and serve, well that's what you should be practising.  Not practising the two per cent shot, and I think that's a big philosophy I've got."

-- David Taylor, on his convincing Sam that she is 70% awesome.  Keep practicing your awesome, Sam.

(Pic This: Forty Deuce)

The New Mashaless Prince.

That is one crazy cast of characters.

Snorez For Charity.

"Hey, do you like grey?  Yeah, I like grey, too.  Grey is awesome."

In "Oh my God, are you guys for seriously" news, Roger actually drove to the airport to pick up Rafa fo the first leg of their back-to-back charity events.  Celebrities, they're just like us!

Well, actually, Fed rolled up in a Mercedes SLS AMG and Rafa arrived on a private jet.  So actually no, Celebrities are not at all like any of us. 

The "match" (can we call it that?) was absolute boresville, with the players predictably taking it the full three sets.  Rafa gave Fed the first break in the third by playing two really horriffic back-to-back points that you would simply never see him do in real match play. 

But that's all fine.  The crowd was sold out, they seemed to like what they saw, no one got hurt, and they raised over $1M for Fed's Africa charity.  Success!

Now they'll turn around and do the same thing in Madrid tomorrow.

"Um, Roger?  I hate to be rude.  But that's *not* the handbrake."

(Pics: Roger's Facebook Site, Getty)

 

 

 

Oh, Come On. We're All Thinking The Same Thing.

An LA based, squeaky clean, former tennis pro. 

Two words: MICHAEL CHANG.

(Thanks to @lynnlovestennis for tweeting the link.)

This is TOTALLY Tennis Related

Thank you, J-Mac, for making this relevant enough (.01%) for me to give a shout to Jorma. Hi, Jorma. Love you.

Still counts.

FD 2010 Year In Review: July

 

July came and I got my first press pass?  Which...kicked off a pretty crazy summer for me.

• Tennis fatigue started to set in.
• Remember this smile.  It's the last time you'll see it.  Wait, no, this was the last time we saw it.
• Gilles finally talked about what we all already knew.
• I think Robbie (and Maz!) adequately summed this up.
• As expected, the Serbia/Croatia tie was intense.
• Nalby rocked Davis Cup.  As per yoosh.
• Fed went on vacay.  So did Rafa.  Um...different.
• I got word of my first press pass.  God bless Stanford and IMG.
• Spain won the World Cup.  Not that I'd know.
• Ana loves Montreal.  Montreal hates Ana.  Nevermind, Montreal loves Ana.  Ana says, "Fuck off."
• This hot piece of ass went off the market.
• The Curse of Portoroz strikes.  Also, that Awesomeness of Portoroz was proven, once again.
• Bad Gastein happened.
• Delpo was in the news.  And he really shouldn't have been.  At all.
• Welcome to Atlanta, tennis.
• Goose pumps.
• I hit up Stanford, one of my favorite WTA tournaments ever, with a press pass in hand.  I fucked up the draw, hung out with Dinara, attended All-Access Hour, got to ask Sam a question or two, sat through my first Masha presser, and noticed Ana's improved fitness.  You can read all my Stanford stuff here.
• It started out so innocently.  But it spiraled out of control preeeeeetty damn quick.
• This set of Masha videos is one of my top 5 highlights of the year.
• Besties.  Don't you dare forget.
• Masha and Lena played a pretty crazy match.
• Comfortably Lynn.
• Believe kicked off her "Seriously.  Don't pay attention to me" tour.
• I'm just going to take a moment to pull an "I told you so" and remind everyone that I was feeling pretty optimistic about Ana.  Also, she's popular.
• STILL GROSS.
• We said goodbye to Miles.

More summer adventures to come.

(Pic: Forty Deuce)

Tuesday Tunes

FD 2010 Year In Review: Wimbledon

I don't actually love the style of tennis that gets played at Wimbledon, but lordie do I love the tournament. 

• Ahhhh...Wimbledon.  
• The Lady With the Funny Hats made an appearance.  And it was kind of a big deal.  Everyone was asked about it.
• Oh, and there was World Cup, too.
• Alejandro Falla.  What.  Happened.
• Nole pushed his curfew.
• Robbo made her Center Court debut.
• Sam and Fran started their vacations early.
• The LMOAT, as it developed.  Amazing stuff.  From everyone.  Oh!  And I remember my trip to Court 18.
• Wimbledon just hates AKO.
• Pimmy and Blah get into a bit of a tiff.
• Serena didn't get to curtsey.
• Great stuff in this RR, but dudes, remember the dude who had to live-blog Isnut?
• Not as good as Sveta live-tweeting it though.
• LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.
• Serena was en fuego.
• Feli and Fernando.  Doing what they do best.
• Chase Buchanan tweeted stupid things.
• TOMAS!
• Bepa!  AND SERGEY.
• I was came out on the wrong side of the men's semis, no thanks to Becks.  But it was class all around.
• Justine and Jo were pretty much hosed for the rest of 2010.
• Lots to love about the dubs results.
• That first pic says it all.
• Rafa.  Period.  End of sentence.
• What Nike said.
• The kids clean up good, no?
• Whee!
• Goodbye for now, Wimby.  Can't wait for 2011.

Next up, What I Did During My Summer Vacation....

One Prince In, One Prince Out.

To the shock of no one, Masha has FINALLY announced that her 10-year deal with Prince is over.  I mean, come on, we all knew this day was coming.  She hasn't played with a Prince racquet in six months.  Let's not feign surprise.  It was a great partnership though.  Kid won three slams with Prince.  But it's time to move on, I guess.  Wonder if the racquet had anything to do with her shoulder issues.

No new deal has been announced yet, but I gotta think she's going with Head.  Well, me and THE ENTIRE TENNIS WORLD.

(Pic: Some eCards)

I Suppose I Might Be The Only Person Excited About This.

Junior Wimby champ Robbo and Junior USO champ Watso (What? It rhymes) will join AKO and Elena Baltacha for Great Britain's Fed Cup tie in Israel.  While Italy remains the team I would want to get shit-faced with, this GB Squad definitely wins the "Hey, you guys seems normal.  Can we just, I don't know, hang out?  I promise I won't be weird" distinction.

Have fun, ladies.

(Pic: Getty)

Required Reading

• P-Mac and MJ break down the USTA AO Wildcard Playoffs.  Lauren Davis is 5'2''???
• Tignor continues his Match of the Year countdown, this time with Nole vs. Fed. 
• Todd Spiker on Caro.
• A hilarious read from The Deuce Club over at TennisWorld.  Any excuse to read some Gauloises is good enough for me.
• The ladies of the WTA talk Christmas with Tennis Served Fresh.
• Tom Perrotta on the whole length of season debate.
• I listened to this past week's Tennis.com podcast on the best matches of the year and it was nice to hear the guys give some love to the oft-overlooked quality of the USO final.  Two observations about the podcast though: (1) I listen to a lot of podcasts.  This is the only one that has no women on it.  Weak.  (2)  Can we please refrain from referring to women, especially when we're talking about Franny or Kimiko, as "girls"?  I get that the ladies like to refer to each other as "girls" but the reference takes on a whole new subtext when it's a bunch of older men sitting around a table discussing the WTA.
• Non-Required Reading: Two critiques of espnW that I'd like to co-sign.
• Non-Required Reading: A SPLINTER???
• Non-Required Reading: I am a God fearing celebrater of Christ's birth.  But that doesn't mean I wouldn't cosign this.
• Non-Required Viewing: Dear children of the world: Unless you're making stupid lipdub videos to make us laugh, or high on drugs, please do not make YouTube vidoes especially when you are telling me what I should or should not do with my va-JJ.

I'll Take Mary Carillo For The Block.

Still cracks me up.  "I want it bigger and babier!"

Mary Carillo has left ESPN.  That's right, no more Carillo waxing poetic about Big Babe Tennis on ESPN.  No lie, I'm super bummed about this.

I am unashamed in my love for Mary.  Sure she's said some crazy shit in her time, and she's clearly said enough to piss off every major and minor fanbase in tennis.  I rarely agree with her on anything and often times found myself exasperated by some of the stuff that came out of her mouth.

But I liked her because you could tell she loved the game.  While some commentators sound too clinical or others sound bored as all hell, Mary always seemed like she enjoyed what she was doing and she still loved the product she was selling.  She would excited, she would get frustrated, she would say stupid shit. 

In otherwords, she was a fan.

As far as I know we'll still see her on other networks.  But I'll miss her Hollywood Squares-style rants with all the ESPN talking heads during the Slams.

In case you've never seen it, Mary Carillo waxes on the sport of Badminton.  Witty, that one:

Um...I Wrote Some Things. You Are Welcome to Read Them.

I suck at self-promotion.  It grosses me out and kinda makes me nauseaus.  In my previous life I used to be one of the "too cool for school" kids at the bar, snarking on all the douchebags and ass-kissers as they worked the room and bragged about their non-existent lawyer skillz.  I, the drunk awesome kid in the corner, subscribed to the "Look.  If I just focus on my thing and I'm good at what I do then I don't need to self-promote.  My awesomeness will be self-evident.  Self-promotion is for people who have to blow smoke up their own ass because no one will do it for them.  Fuck that."  Well guess what.  Those smoke blowers are still lawyers and I am an unemployed tennis blogger.  By choice, but still.

Where was I going with this?  Oh right.  I hate talking about myself.  But I feel like I owe it to the people who took a chance on me to make sure they are rewarded for their risky venture of asking a podunk blogger to write for their ridiculously large publication.  So here goes.

Um...I wrote a couple of pieces for USA Today on the effect of the lengthy tennis season on fans and FD buddy Bobby Chintapalli also wrote a story on the WTA off-season (and bless whoever chose those first two pictures for Bobby's piece).*  This one is in print and online, and this one is online only. 

If you're in the Bay Area, good luck trying to track down a print copy.  It is 10:50 pm and my parents have set their alarms for 5am to hit every newstand, bookstore, and hotel for every Friday edition they can get their tiny little hands on.  I assure you they will find every single one of them.

But if you see a copy of USA Today during an interlude to your snowy Friday, please feel free to pick it up.  I mean, pay for it first.  I'm not telling you guys to shoplift USA Today.  Let's be clear about that.  I don't want to get any weird 4 a.m. calls asking me to bail you out of any "predicaments".

Now, if you can't get a copy, that's ok.  I ain't mad at ya.  Nothing is stopping you from sitting at your desk and clicking those three links over and over and over and over and over and over and over and o--ok, you get the picture.  I just think that it was really cool of USAT to me this opportunity and it seems that, based on the Twitter response, you guys are jazzed about it, too.  I fully concede that pretty much everyone else in the tennis writing/blogging/journoing world is a far superior "tennishead" than me (does a day go by that I don't eff-up some stat here or there or make a patently absurd prediction based on "Hot or Not?") and God bless them for it.  But hopefully I can still string along some words that tickle your funny bone and allow us all to share a maniacal giggle about this awesome sport that we all love so dearly to the point of idiocy. 

I mean, did you see how much we all spazzed out about Dinara getting back onto Twitter?  Our fandom is retarded.

I don't know where I'm going with this and now I'm rambling which is exactly what happens whenever I get nervous and anxious and I'm totally nervous and anxious about plugging these things so I'm gonna keep rambling, oh no, I should stop.

So there.  I did it. 

Woo.

And many thanks to Joe Fleming, the golf and tennis editor at USAT, for shepherding me through the process.  You should all thank him by following him on Twitter (@USATgolftennis).

*Quick aside: I think it's really cool that two minority women were published in a major publication writing about men's and women's tennis.  Ok, I didn't *really* write about men's tennis.  But I mentioned Rafa.  that counts, right?  RIght.  Girl power.  Suck on that, espnW.

FD 2010 Year In Review: June

Feels kind of dumb to do a post or the two weeks between RG and Wimby.  But I'm sticking with format.

• Andy got a haircut. Jamie celebrated the Serbian DC win early.  What a champ.
• Rafa's ridiculous.
• Momo was...looking fit.  I love that she's still around.  Oh, and she doesn't suck as a coach.
• Kim!
• Foreshadowing things to come.
• I lied and told everyone I was over RG.
• Chakky!
• Queens totally sucked.
• Robbo gave Wicky a run for her money.  I made whore jokes.  Because that's what I do.
• The previously unknown Allison Riske, who is primed for some pretty pun-tastic headlines if she ever makes it big, had herself a run at Birmingham.
• Whoa, Fran.  LIke, whoa.
• Rob Green made a whoopsie and the Americans were running Queens.  It was a rough weekend for the Brits.
• As was her wont this year, Masha made a run and lost in the final. 
• Nole won a dubs title!
• DOMINIKA CIBULKOVA SUCKS AND I HATE HER.
• Elena withdrew from Wimby.
• The WTA Player Party was awesome.  Also, Fernando was there.  Natch.

Next stop, AELTC...

Like...For Comedic Value?

Get Off Your Knees, Tennis Australia.

Hey, did you guys know that the Australian Open Wildcard Playoffs are going on right now?  That's right, tennis that matters is being played all across the globe right now.  Down in Australia, a bunch of people you might know (Jelena Dokic, Alicia Molik, Carsten Ball, Sam Groth, Peter Luczak) have been fighting it out for a wildcard into the AO main draw.  You know who doesn't have his hat in the ring?  Two-time junior Slam winner and all-around "HE'S THE FUTURE OF AUSTRALIAN TENNIS BUT ALSO A TOTAL PITA", ATomic Bernie.

See, wee little Bernie, who we last saw whining because Tennis Australia dared give him the prime-time slot on Rod Laver, which just so happened to be after his beddie time, pulled out of the AO playoffs with an "undisclosed illness."  This means that the only way he's playing AO is if he goes through qualies (against way stiffer competition, mind you) OR Tennis Australia grants him one of their last remaining wildcards.

Oh, does it matter that after he withdrew from the tournament (days before it was set to begin) he was seen practicing for two hours?  No.  Of course not. 

Said Peter Luczak, "You couldn't have stopped me from playing this.  Twisted ankle or broken leg, I would have been out here trying."

Whatever.  Despite Tennis Australia's purported effort to give their misbehaving youngsters a kick in the pants, and despite AO Tournament Director Craig Tiley's "annoyance", you know, YOU JUST KNOW, he's getting the wildcard. 

But gosh, do I dare hold out hope that TA will grow a pair and say no to the kid? 

Nah.  Not even I'm that dumb. 

BUT, I will forgive you your trespasses if you grant Robbie a wildcard, TA.  Because I'm that petty and hypocritical.

(Pic: Getty)

Hold Your Breath, Miami...

“I hope to be out of the cast and back on court by the spring."

(Pic: Reuters)

Welcome to JJ's Box. Enjoy Your Stay.

According to this kinda sketchy source, JJ's finally latched onto a coach, hiring former ATP pro Andrei Pavel.  I only remember him as the guy who retired to Moose on that super dupery hot day at the 2009 Australian Open.  But if you believe the aforementioned kinda sketchy source, Pavel reached a career-high rank of #13 on the WTA.

So...I guess he knows what it takes to win on the WTA.  Good job, JJ!

(Pic: ATP Official Site)

#4? Like...In The World?

No.  Not actually.  BUT YOU GUYS.

Sam is only a few points behind Venus in the rankings and could very well be ranked #4 going into the Australian Open.  Heck one win would do it considering that there's no word on what Venus' warm-up tourney schedule might be and Sam's playing both Brisbane and Sydney.

As a random Sam-aside, I keep reading all these year-end lists and everyone keeps talking about how Sam "underperformed" or had a let-down in the RG final.  The thing is, I totally don't remember it that way.  I just thought she got outplayed by an inspired Fran.  It's not like she came out and played like crap and yet that's how it's being spun.  Kind of annoys me.

But the fact that Sam and Dave have finally reviewed the tape and seem to have come to the conclusion that Fran was too good that day, at least I feel like she doesn't feel like it was a let-down.  Considering how Dave has historically been super honest and critical of Sam, that means something.  Kind of.

#stillsmarting

Required Reading

• The Indo-Pak Express make CNN.
• Some pics of Serena crutchin' about at her well-deserved induction into the California Hall of Fame.  Also, BETTY WHITE!
• Picture #2 made me uncomfortable.  No reason I should see that much of anyone's wife.
• My response: (1) Yes and (2) duh.
• The consistent choice of Kvitova as "Newcomer" of the year reminds me of me of an old NBC (I think it was NBC) slogan regarding reruns: "If you haven't seen it, it's new to you."
• I had no idea Christina McHale had an older sister who played tennis.
• Nice Q&A with Anne Keothavong.
• Rafael Nadal: Not even The Onion has a bad thing to say about him.
• Tignor waxes on the Fer/Ferrer USO match.
• In case my FD Year In Reviews are too dense, here's a 2010 timeline.
• Love Chris' zinger at the end.
• Speaking of Chris, gotta love him putting my opinion on the same level as the ATP's.  He's smoking some good-ass shit over there at Yahoo and I love him for it.
• In case you missed it, a hilarious Martina Hingis photogallery.
• Non-Required Reading: Live blogging the Tajazzle commercial.
• Non-Required Reading: ZOMG. PURE MOODS.
• Non-Required Reading: Sarah Walker kills it again.
• Non-Required Viewing: Augh. Fine. I laughed. YOU WIN, MORMONS.

FD 2010 Year In Review: Roland Garros

Bittersweet memories, kids.  Bitter.  Sweet.

• So who's playing this thing?
• Ah, the Official FD Roland Garros Drinking Game.  Guaranteed cirrhosis.
• Olivia did what she does best.  As did MaKiri.
• Stop, Andy.  Just...stop.
• THE dress.
• Cheryl Cole, Luke and Laura, Silence of the Lambs, and cake.  These are the things we discuss when this happens.  And this this happened.
• Where *has* Daniel Brands been.
• Oh, Jesus.  That Rick/Moose match.
• Flavia reminded us she was, is, and forever will be, awesome.
• Here's hoping "the circle" is complete.
• Rafa got a watch.
• The Petko train started gaining steam.  And then it...didn't.  AND THEN IT DID.
• Not-my-Sam tanked.
• Dani cracked a joke, which was kinda newsworthy.
• "That's her education."  Still cracks me up.
• This was annoying, primarily because it required me to care about two players I can't stand.
• CUTE.  Not cute.
• I mean, we all knew this was coming, right?
• Isn't it great when JJ doesn't comment on stuff?
• Steve Tignor did some awesome courtside writing.
• Rafa talks World Cup.  Unbeliebable, indeed.
• Novak, as per yoosh, nails his presser.
• Swoooooooon.
• One of the many crazy matches involving Nads this year.
• Elena was limping.  But she was winning.
• Heh, Masha.
• What Roland Garros lacked in Twitter snark, it more than made up in off-court video awesomeness.
• I started getting punchy.  And when I get punchy, I write Oompa Loompa songs.
• The only way you can get me to watch Gimelstob?  Marat.
• Yanina Wickmayer is an awesome interview.  Sarcasm font.
• Rafa's all, "Bitch, please."
• Serena went temporarily wonky against Pavs.  Which...would be a trend.
• Masha lost to Justine, but somehow I became an even bigger Masha fan.
• The Bluber Break-up.
• I'm super proud of this headline.
• Fran started her campaign of awesomeness.  I should have known that this would not be denied.
• Whatever.
• Annnnnnd...he did.
• No clue where all the Matrix jokes came from.  I think I must have dropped some E or something that day.
• Nole got Douche-Stamped.
• Ladies and Gentlemen, Samantha Stosur.
• We were introduced to Rohan and Aisam.
• Did you guys know that I picked JJ to win RG?  Oh, IRONY.
• So who had this Final Four picked?
• Though, this seemed scripted.
• It was.
• I said it then and I will say it again, congratulations Fran.  You were amazing and just unbelievably awesome.  And you both were class.  But ZOMG I'm still sad.
• As for Rafa, this (the most popular post in FD history) said it all.
• That fifth pic is still one of my favorite pics of the year.

Anybody got some weed...

Pic This: Why It Matters That Dinara Is Back On Twitter

AUGH!!! TURN AROUND!!!

Thank you.

FD 2010 Year In Review: May

• HAHAHAHA.  Nice way to start the month.
• Rafa kept on going.  As did Justine.  Until she ran into a gold lame Mack truck.
• More Judy blog goodness.
• Ana fans had a not-so-horrible week.  And I had to get all defensive about it, though it did inspire some good writing.  Not from me, natch.
• Of course I'm going to post the rare pic wherein Muzz looks cute even though its 7 months past being relevant.  Duh.
• The Elf Train effectively shut down for the year.
• Robbie shows of her stragetic skills.
• Hah.  Classic Sveta.
• JJ was doing her thing on the clay, too.
• Serena made it a point to remind people that "I'm not Justine."
• Hey, remember when MGMT was a thing?
• Novak had allergies.
• Fed lost to Montanes and Brodie TOTALLY called the end of the streak.
• Tall American dudes dominated clay.  Kinda.
• It became pretty damn clear that while Maria had found her prince, she was no longer using Prince.
• In case you're wondering why Nails is getting so much Humanitarian of the Year buzz.
• Serena was really excited to beat Vera Dushevina.
• Fed said things.  People took issue.  JJ did things.  People really took issue.  Aravane said some things.  People laughed.  Serena said some things.  People rolled their eyes.
• Venus got to #2.
• Kim sat out RG.
• "Corgi" was born.
• We got our first Fed vs. Rafa match of the year, which Rafa won.
• Caro and FeVer kept playing tennis.  Much to my annoyance.
• I guess this debate didn't really matter after all was said and done.
• Ernie gives good quote.  As does Marat.  Never forget that.
• Aw...love this L-Rob video.
• The NYT tracked down the only dude to ever double-bagel Roger.

Roland Garros up next...

Tan Greasy Leather.

Welcome to Team Baby Elephant, Van Greasy!

That's right.  Ana has taken on Vika's ex (weird) coach (better) on a trial basis and they'll be working together through Australia.  Greasy's also worked with Bepa (remember the famous Sam/Greasy swap of early 2010?) and Sorana (uh...a small blip on his resume).  From everything I hear on the Twitter it sounds like he's actually a really nice guy, greasy nickname and douchey sunglasses notwithstanding.  And in from a distance personal interactions with him I can report that he doesn't smell horrible and he seems like a soft spoken, quiet guy.  In fact, I can't really think of anything negative about him other than that whole making-Vika-into-a-good-player thing.  But even that shows his amazing level of patience.

But, you know, the proof is in the pudding.  Hope he integrates well with the team. 

Dragana's got her eye on you, boy.  And believe me, Leather will hold while she cuts.  Watch yourself.

Tuesday Tunes

FD 2010 Year In Review: April

CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

• The US spring hardcourt season ended with Andy and Kim victorious.
• But we left the hardcourts freaking out over those damned knees again.
• Flavia and Gisela started a pretty crackin' run, winning three straight Premier tournaments.
• Speaking of doubles partners...
• The boys were looking cute in Monte Carlo.
• Sania got married.  And it was a totally low key affair.
• Charleston was amazing.  Except for this, but she'd be fine so we can all laugh now.
• Judy blogs and we are introduced to Deliciano.  Meanwhile, Andy and I continued to suffer.  Together.
• More Odesnik nonsense.  Nobody bought it, asshole.
• Fer was having a fantastic clay court swing.  And then he kept running into this guy.  And the whole tennis season changed for both of them.
• People started to pay attention to Sam.  And it freaked me out.
• Oh my God, I completely forgot about this photoshoot.
• The most boring set of YouTube videos to ever hit the interweb.
• The seed that grew into #liezelfacts.  Seriously, it started growing immediately.
• Kim and Justine injured themselves at Fed Cup and Bethanie was just plain badass.
• Oh yeah.  This was a thing.
• I spent two pages weaving a totally fictional tale about a jerky kid and her jerky mother.  Totally fictional.
• Scandal!
• STAY ON TWITTER, DINARA.
• Rad pic of Rafa.
• YOU GUYS.  ROBIN SODERLING BLOCKED ME ON TWITTER.  And let the record reflect that I never, not once, tweeted him.  
• Sometimes, ever once in a while, I crack myself up.
• I appealed to the Tennis Gods to unleash the Ernie!
• Justine picked up right where she left off with JJ.  Hell, with clay in general.
• Dudes.  Remember when Varvara Lepchenko made the semis of Stuttgart?  Trivia question!

More claaaaaaaaaaaaay....