Forty Deuce

Pic This: Tramp Stamps By JJ.

Bad idea? Or BEST IDEA.  You decide.

(Pic: Tennis Forum)

Required Reading

• More on how much cash Serena and Venus are leaving on the table.  So does that money just stay with the WTA?  If so...PIZZA PARTY!!!
• Another great mailbag from Boyfriend Jon.  And yes, I'm ignoring the Rigatoni pun.  Horrible.
• This hoodie is fucking awesome.
• According to Bruce Jenkins, gamers will never win Majors.  Interesting stuff on reformatting Davis Cup, too.
• I definitely understand feeling the need to take on the haters.  But I would much rather hear Steve Tignor wax eloqently about a tennis match than read him get unnecessarily defensive with commenters.  Here's hoping those of us who really love Steve's writing don't get punished by losing 1 column a week to internet trolls and idiots.
• Interesting stuff from Matt Cronin on the WTA Roadmap.
• Non-Required Reading: Totally agree with this take on the Stewart/Colbert rallies.
• Non-Required Reading:  The Top 50 bookshops in England.  In other words, Ctrl-D.
• Non-Required Watching: Katherine Chloe Cahoon.  Oh, what's that?  You don't know who I'm talking about?  Shame on you.
• Non-Required Watching: Corgis.  Baywatch.  You know what's up.

Rock The Vote.

So there's a bunch of voting going on at the WTA site for various player awards, such as favorite player, favorite dubs team, most fashionable, most likely to retire from a match due to a paper cut, most likely to give an interview sounding like a 5-pack a day smoker, most likely to talk about the glories of Green Day in the midst of a nuclear holocaust, etc.  You can read about some of the categories and nominees here.

So go vote.  Because...it's fun, you should, and it'll get you into practice for November. 

She Makes Music, You Guys. Like, Real Actual Music.

No joke, I really love it.

Mashasha-4-EVA

TMZ, you know the, the ALWAYS RELIABLE NEVER WRONG TOTALLY UPSTANDING TMZ, is reporting that Sasha popped the question to Maria on Tuesday.  Uh...they don't say whether she said yes (nice, reporting, geniuses), but they have heard from a friend who heard from a friend who heard from a bouncer who heard from a dog that Masha's been wearing the ginormous rock.

So Mazeltov, if it's true! 

Fuck you, TMZ, if it's not.

Also, for the record, I'm really hating myself for having to link to TMZ. 

Givin' The Dog A Bone.

So Roger played his 900th ATP match today.  The crazy stat?  He's never retired once in those 900 matches.  That's a fucking ridiculous stat and I tip my cap. 

So in my attempt to be nice to the guy for like, a split second, here's an interview wherein he doesn't come off as a total doucheball.  Ok, there are doucheballish moments, but overall, it's a pretty solid interview.

The Yale Football Team Lobby Is Strong.

Well, gentlemen, you've got a year to plan your kegger. 

Caro will be 21 when she almost assuredly rides into New Haven next year.

Tennis will indeed be returning to New Haven next year, though without a title sponsor and without a significant amount of sausage. The New Haven Open at Yale will be a WTA only event, with the ATP side, according to Matt Cronin, being held that week though at a different location.  So don't worry, journeymen ATPers, you'll still have your chance to tune up for your first or second round losses in New York.

I find it interesting that the ladies were able to get the tournament to stick it out with them next year.  I have to think a lot of this has to do with the fact that their three-time defending champion just happens to be a highly marketable young kid who has professed her love of all things bulldog and will likely end the year at #1.  And this year they actually had a pretty solid field, with Sam, Dinara, and Ana taking last minute wildcards, though Ana eventually had to withdraw.

Of course, this means that Caro's absolutely going to have to come back to New Haven next year, which means she'll likely have to do that Copenhagen --> Cincy --> Montreal --> New Haven --> USO swing again.  I know she has to play Copenhagen and all but doing so definitely hampers her USO hard court preparation, as she misses out on Stanford and San Diego.  Then, once she does get to the states, she has to play three straight weeks before going straight into the USO.  That's a total of five straigth weeks of tennis if she makes it into the second week of New York.  She clearly ran out of steam against Vera at the USO. 

This does...not seem wise.

But congrats to New Haven for keeping the tournament for at least another year.  One of my drivers was telling me how much money the tourney brought in to the City and I was blown away (can't remember the figure off the top of my head but it was huge).  The Yale Tennis Center is a great venue for tennis and I would encourage anyone who's planning to go to the USO for qualies to come to NYC a little early and take the train to New Haven to catch some of the late round action. 

Hopefully Sunshine can bring some sunshine in 2011.  Because seriously?  It was cold as fuck this year.  Totally threw me a curveball on that one, New Haven.

"Do you like to...'Do It Yourself'?"

This is Zarina Diyas.  She was born in Kazakhstan 17 years ago.  She is currently ranked #268 and had to qualify to get into the main draw in Moscow.

You know who this is, I presume.

Well, young Ms. Diyas dispatched Old Smokey, 61 62.  She was up 5-0 in the first before JJ threw down the MTO card.  Afterwards, JJ, THE TOP SEED, refused to give a presser but made sure that the WTA communications people wrote down her ailments to give to the press.

So shall we do another run through of JJ's losses since Wimbledon?  OK!

• Portoroz - Yakimova
• San Diego - Kleybanova
• Cincy - Agkul
• Montreal - Benesova
• USO - Kaia
• Tokyo - Kaia
• Beijing - Bojangles
• Moscow - Diyas

Please come to Doha, JJ.  Your presence decreases the possibility that Sam will be at the bottom of the table. 

Also, we need you for the sleepovers.  Your vajazzling skills are second to none.

Sorry, I Don't Downshift That Fast.

So it's come to this.  Ana, the #4 seed, wins her first round match over Larsson (with a second set bagel) and will play Santonja next.  Meanwhile, four other seeds lost, including Rezai and Wicky. 

So...Ana's now a seed you can count on?  Do things really change that quickly in tennis?

(Yes, yes they do.)

He Said It.

So...Janko lost to Zeballos.   But he had some amazing Beef Stroganoff.

So it wasn't a completely wasted trip to Moscow.

(Pic: Getty)

But We Promise There Are No Birds Here!

Misha, the #2 Russian (but really, the #1 Russian based on quality of play this year), was forced to withdraw from Moscow with a viral infection.

And he was really happy about it.

You know who else was pretty happy?  The Moscow tournament director.  He not only lost Misha, his #2 seed, but top seeded Kolya lost to Cuevas.  Oh, and with Vika clinching her spot to Doha with her win over Petko, I think we can officially file this tourney away in the "Irrelevancy" file.

(Pic: Getty)

Rescue Raft.

Say hello to your new Australian Davis Cup captain. Also, "Hello, Australian Cup Davis Cup team. I'll be watching you more for sure now." Pat Rafter was the first tennis player that ever made me stop in my pants. I mean "tracks".

What were we talking about?



More shirtless Patty being charming and shit. He makes me melty.

"I Learned So Many Things and I Won *So* Many Things."

Fran rules. Also, she might be high. And can someone tell JJ she needs to stop stress smoking? Holy smokes.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzPaintzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The only thing worth noting about this video? The nicely shorn Moose at 36 seconds. But really, did we expect anything else? It's hilarious in its predictability.

The Thing About Ninjas? They Kind of Need Their Feet.

Aga's out for the next three months with foot surgery and will miss AO. 

Put your Zippos in the air and wave 'em like you just don't care.

2 Hard, 2 Soon, 2 Play.

Serena's out for the year.  Shocker!Not!

So what are the odds that she plays Hopman?  I'm starting a Trice For Hopman campaign.

My Mom Says, "You're Welcome".

Rafa reflects on his ridonkykong 2010. I think it's so telling that he cites Monte Carlo as the most important win of the year. It shows how much even he wondered if he could get it all back. Once he broke through there, the dam broke and the confidence flowed.

Tuesday Tunes

Pic This: Well, Chakky's Happy To Be There.

Hmmm...where have I seen that look before....

(Source)

Pic This: Are Any of You Happy To Be There?

If I hear the words "Moscow" and "party", I usually think of a pretty kick-ass time.  Booming techno, nutty laser lights, carafes of vodka, and enough organized crime to make you feel nice a cozy. 

What's all up in all the Russians' jocks tonight?  It's a party!  Loosen up!

Well, speaking of loosening up, nice sex hair, MaKiri.  I presume Igor is smoking a cigarette in the backseat of a black Range Rover right now.

Jesus.  Eat something.  Gaunt is not a good look for you.

Flavia was clearly ready to party.  Here's hoping Marat gave her a tour.

Cute monochromatic French boys.

Anyway.

 

ZOMGJUSTINBIEBER!!!

"Later, guys.  I got a thing."

You can see more amazing pics here.

And believe me.  They are amazing.

 

Enjoy The Silence.

What is Mark Ronson smoking?

Has he not heard Andy drop some rhymes?  Was he not charmed by DJ Pale Moose's monotone and unfeeling delivery?  Was his mind just completely blown by the lyricism of MC Fuzz Muzz's debut jam that he's gone full retard?

Such a wasted opportunity.  I mean, how is James Corden going to taunt him with two minutes of silence:

Random thought: Who's more dour: Andy or Thom?

Required Reading

• Moose won't take any medication because he's scared he'll fail a drug test.  That's ok, Andy.  I can kiss it and make it better.  Unless you have anal herpes.  In which case...sorry.
• Christopher Clarey says leave the WTA ranking system alone, haters!
• Fantastic finds from Busted Racquet: The Seven Funniest Lines From The USTA Chair Umpire's Handbook.
• Guillermo Garcia-Lopez.  I am officially on your train.
• Fed lost to Nole at the USO because he...was...distracted?  Okaaaaaay.
• Required Reading: Does your iPhone or laptop ever try to connect to "Free Public Wi-Fi"?  Yeah, don't let it.
• Required Reading:  I love Celine.  And I say this with absolutely no irony whatsoever.

Hop Scot-ch.

Group A:

Group B:

I know I've already ranted about this on Twitter but I really do wish the seedings for the US and Serbia were swapped so that the US got Belgium in Group A and Serbia got Great Britain in Group B.  That would have given us a guaranteed Serena vs. Justine match, which I would actually pay to watch, and Ana vs. Robbie, which would have been fun for no one but me.  As it were, the seeding committee, through some "interesting" rationale, put Serbia first, then the US, GB, and Belgium.

And while I'm getting my complain on, I'm still bummed that Sam's playing Brisbane instead.  And that it's not Shveddy and Evgeny.  Or Gael and Aravane.  Or Jo.  Or even The Cone! 

Oh, Cone.  I miss you.  Team France really could have done better here.

Overall, those are pretty balaned groups, I'd say.  In terms of AO preparation, Andy's got a solid slate of matches lined up with Halpert and Gael, whereas Nole should cruise through his group play.  The ladies draw sets up some interesting matches, with Ana vs. Justine, Serena vs. Fran, and Robbie's first bite of the big apple vs. Serena. 

Mixed doubles is always the wildcard and more often than not, the decider.  And really, can you bet against these two geniuses?

ANYWAY, is it January yet?

 

 

While Dragana Was Busy Opening a Starbucks Franchise in Belgrade...

I fell asleep and missed match point. Thanks, YouTube.

Song 2.

Sing it, Damon.

Where do I even begin?

Let's start with this pasty weirdo, who played one of the best matches of his career to beat Fed rather 3 and 2 in under an hour and a half to pick up his second Masters shield of the year.  Even if you don't like either of these guys, be sure to catch a replay of the match if you can.  Some of the rallies were insane and Andy came through with some huge serving in the clutch.  Fed definitely didn't play his best, but a lot of that was due to Andy's incredible defense.  As Fed said after the match, Andy made the court seem smaller.

So, congrats, Pasty.  You done good. 

Also doing good?  The Anti-Pasty.

She demolished Patty 1 and 2 in 47 minutes (shortest final of the year), ending the match with her 25th ace of the tournament to pick up her first title in TWO YEARS.  She didn't drop a set all week and was broken only 5 times.  Say what?  Yeah, that's right.  It was consistently big serving and hitting all week. Awesome stuff and it's fun to see all the support the kid is getting within the media.  With the win Ana outright qualifies for Bali and will rise to #26 on Monday.

Don't worry, Serena.  Your muffin basket is in the mail.

Wow.  I didn't mean for that to sound dirty.

Anyway, WHOO HOO!

 

Sing It, Cece.

Finally.

Ana takes a late wildcard into Linz and she now finds herself in her first final since IW09 without having dropped a set all week.  She'll take on Crazy McGee, who denied us all a Petko/Ana final, tomorrow. 

(Pic: AP)

Can You Please Just Pretend You Like Playing Tennis?

Oh, don't worry.  He won.  That's his happy face.

And that's his sexy face.

All this is to say, he is neither happy or sexy at the moment.  But he's winning matches so what the hell do I care?  That said, I was bummed to hear that Judy went and got a haircut yesterday.  I was really hoping she'd hold out and drag Andy along for a 2 for 1 deal at Fantastic Sam's or something.  Because, really, that hair is indefensible, Andy.

Anyway, it'll be Moose vs. GOAT in the final.  Based on the quality of their play this week, I have to tip the Bleating One, who, with the win over Nole, is back to #2.

Oh, that's just the foyer of his house.

(Pics: Getty, AP)

 

Pic This: Andy Murray and the Case of the Strangling Shirt.

Wow, Andy.  You're like David Blaine and shit. 

But seriously, has the guy never put on a shirt before?  Dramah.

(Pics: Getty)

Pic This: Two Awesome Pictures That Signal It's Friday.

Chakky says "It's 5 o'clock somewhere...."

And this baby agrees.

(Pics: Fuck Yeah Russian Tennis, Buzzfeed)

Oh Boy. Here We Go.

  V. 

May God have mercy on our souls.

Oh. And ajde.

(Pics: Getty, AP)

This Is How Boys Flirt.

 

(Source: Andy's twitter, Pico's twitter)

Pico Pic Spam. Because If Not Now, When?

I spent much of this summer watching Pico lose.  A lot, actually.  So how awesome is it to see him string some quality wins together and make it to the semifinals OF SHANGHAI. 

A Masters 1000, you guys!  He beat Hand Lotion in three sets and will face PS3 rival Muzz tomorrow.

Fly, Pico, Fly! 

Except not tonight.  Because I kiiiiiinda need Moose to make the finals here and I don't want to have to fly to Canada to beat the shit out of Brodie if you win. 

(Pics: Getty)

 

Pic This: Shit Gets Weird In Asia.

 
The random ellipses, the smiley face, the economy of language. 

This may be the greatest fan sign ever.

Though, this one gets commitment points for refusing to let the fact that this match was played on indoor courts that fans could not access stop her from cheering on her man.

And "allez" he did.

Obligatory cute Jo pic.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

GGL is cute?

Jelena's not in Shanghai.  So...just sayin'.

Hands off, ladies. 

That sexy piece is aaaaaaaaaall mine.

Yawn.

It's a boy!

Uh oh, Maggie.  Papa's not happy.

Ok, I'm going to say this once and then I'm leaving it alone: 

I would not object to seeing Sod naked.

There.  I said it.  I'm gonna go take a hot bleach shower now.

(Pics: Getty, AP)

"I am Italian, eh? What do you think?"

I have to even out any mention of DB Chuck with some Flavia awesomeness. Luckily, that ain't hard to do.

Pic This: First Order of Business, Get Rid of Those Sleeves

Too cute.

Rafa Loses. People Momentarily Lose Their Shit.

Hell of a match, Austrian Smurf.  He played aggressively and I've never seen Hand Lotion hit the ball so cleanly.  I know people are saying Rafa was tired and whatever, but I give full credit to Melzer.  He was really good today, and really, a seated golf clap to him in recognition for his great year.  Also, he's apparently dating a swimmer.  I guess he just really likes girls and water.

But I guess Rafa losing created what can only be described as an EMP, but instead of a pulse disrupting all electric functionality it disrupted brain functionality:

Look, everybody makes typos and gets the occasional obscure-ish fact wrong.  But when you're Tennis.com and you base an entire Ticker story on the "ZOMG! RAFA LOST FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER" angle, people are probably going to notice your fact-check fail.  They've pulled the story down but that doesn't mean I've stopped giggling.

Even Sod had a laugh. EVEN SOD.

(Pics: Getty)

Upchuck the Boogie.

An excuse to post a VMars clip?  Duh.

Ana's into the quarterfinals in Linz after beating a rather testy Barbara Zahlova Strycova 3 and 2.  Oh, and Ana ate yogurt, which she immediately regreted because she literally had to run off court to puke.  And when she returned she was docked four points.  And there was confusion.

But it's all sorted out now. 

Things we learned: If you're going to puke, puke on your own time.  Also, don't eat yogurt right before you're about to play.

The More You Know.

 

Required Reading

• Oh, I'm sorry.  Can you remind me again at what age you retired?  Yeah, ok.  So STFU and leave Robbie alone.  (Though, really, this is just an example of a misleading lede.)
• I officially bow down to Uncle Jamie.  But after an unsuccessful 45 minute game of slap-happy, I am unable to pull down his trousers.  Sadz.
• As much as I'd love to believe this is true, I call bullshit.  EVERYONE KNEW FED WOULD LOSE RG06.  That ain't inside information, doofus.
• Everyone wants to crap on the WTA rankings.  But I have yet to hear a viable alternative.  Still waiting.  Also, thanks to Boyfriend for pointing this out: Is it really fair for a player who has played SIX TOURNAMENTS to be #1?
• More BMS Blog magic.
• Players choke. It's science!
• I think I'd probably like Fed more if he was mute.  Oh, and for the record, I have never been impressed by the tweener and I remain unimpressed.  True story.
• In light of all the whispers that Venus should retire, this seems apropos.
• Non-Required Reading: This piece by Bill Simmons was money, particularly for bloggers who often find themselves conflicted between breaking a story and being a fan.  Because seriously, 99% of the time the two are in conflict.
• Non-Required Reading: Sally Menke, a Hollywood film editor, passed away less than month ago.  She was the editor for all of Tarantino's films.  Huge talent, huge loss.
• Non-Required Reading: Do not rely on spellcheck, kids.
• Non-Required Looking At: Who knew there was a third Olsen sister?

Augh! It's Not Even Fun To Hate On You Anymore.

At first I saw this pic, right?  And I'm like "Awwww, yeah.  Gonna have fun with this one.  Definitely a dick joke, maybe a "he needed both hands to try and find it", or a "Oh, you like a little ball action, too, Andy?" or something.  But come on, this one was right in my wheelhouse and I was loading up ready to crush it home.

But then I saw this.  And then I felt bad.  I realized that the dick and ball jokes were totally uncalled for.  The dude flew all the way to Asia in hopes of doing well to grab one of the last spots for London and he pulls up lame with a groin injury and has to retire against GGL in the first round. 

He's had some shitty luck over the course of the last couple of years.  I should probably back off for a while.

So sorry, Andy.  If it's any consolation, your wife is still hot, I liked that Lacoste kit, and your balding isn't *that* bad.

Whoops. 

Run, E, Run!

Adorable video of Nole throwing on a hazmat suit to do some ATP Arts & Crafts, ala Rafa and Roger.

But the main thing I learned from this video: I could never work for the ATP.  I simply do not have the professionalism to run away from Nole if he's threatening me with a hug.  I probably would have just tackled him and sat on his face.

Or something.

Tuesday Tunes

Ok, I know I never comment on these videos but I seriously thought the first minute of this was straight out of Saturday Night Live.

Merry Christmas To ME.

"Wait, you're coming to Perth?"

"FUCK YEAH, I'M COMING TO PERTH! (or will at least try)"

YOU GUYS!!!

Ok, so obviouly the Hopman Cup lineup was already awesome.  Nole and Ana, Serena/Isner, um... Fran...Shveddy...other people.  But my super happy fun times pairing was finally confirmed today.  That's right, Robbo and Muzz will team up once again, with Andy trying not to fuck up again and lose Laura's diamonds.

Because they're hers, Andy.  They're hers.  You owe her and we all fucking know it. 

I actually missed their awesomeness last year because I was on vacation in Vietnam and, well, I know this is shocking, but they weren't exactly airing Hopman Cup in Saigon.  So I'm really hoping I get to experience this dreaminess (Nole, Andy, Ana, Robbie, oh my!) live or in person.

Because it...

will...

be...

AWESOME.

What's that?  You're not convinced that Hopman Cup is the greatest thing in tennis?  Well argue with this, this , this, and this.

COME ON! [/GOB]

(Pics: Getty)

 

 

 

Take That, Asia!

Well, it took three tournaments, but Sam finally won a match in Asia, as she sets out to defend her maiden title in Osaka. 

And Robbie won her three qualie matches to qualify for her fifth WTA main draw of the year.  Of course, as we all know, nothing good happens for my stable of players without a dark raincloud forming overhead.  Osaka is no different.  Not only is Robbie in Sam's quarter but she also drew Kimiko in the first round.  So we'll have the oldest woman in the top 200 (40!) vs. the youngest (16!).  Ok, fine, Laura's at #201, but cut the kid some slack.

So, go Chicks Who Have Aussie Blood! 

Yeah, sometimes you gotta stretch to find a narrative.

(Pic: Getty)

Hai.

I guess being #1 and #2 don't mean what it used to.

The top 20 are all in Shanghai, which makes for some intriguing stuff.  Rafa and Nole are coming off tournament wins in Tokyo and Beijing, Muzz is coming off...whatever you want to call that loss to Lubey in Beijing, and Fed returns for the first time since his loss to Novak.

Play started yesterday and Jo took out Feli and Fernando lost to Thiemo.

And no, that's not me.

(Pic: Getty, AP)

Pic This: Hold Up. I Got Some Laundry.

(Pic: Getty)

That's Six.

The Caro Train keeps on trucking.  That's six titles on the year after she bested Bepa in three sets to take Beijing.  She's now won six straight finals since losing the final at Indian Wells, while Bepa's lost five straight finals since Pattaya City.

Too bad those stuffed animals aren't convinced.  They're still angry about this whole #1 business.

(Pic: Getty)

So You Think You Can... Do...Whatever That Is...

She's still wearing her Wimbledon whites. Let it go, girl.

Thanks, Uncle Jamie

.

Pic This: Joaquin Looks SO Much Better These Days.

Fatherhood is treating Commodus good. 

Dude is looking HAWT.

Oh hello, fingers.

Yes.  I'm entertained.  Deeply.

(Pics: Getty, AP)

Required Reading

• Caroline Wozniacki is #1.  Deal with it.
• Tignor offers up a defense as well.
• Hey, remember two years ago when Beijing had crap air?  Yeah, it hasn't gotten better.
• Tignor hits the reset button and finds that it's all good.
• I don't love the tone of the article, but in case you're wondering, here's Patrick Mortogolou's (of the Mortogolou Academy) take on the whole shitty #1 sitch.
• Some interesting stats and argument in this Bodo piece on the importance of the serve.
• Man, people are FREAKING OUT about Rafa's illegal coaching.
• Bojangles clearly thinks it's still 2008.  Ana's serve?  JJ's movement?  Masha's focus?  Oh now you're just making me laugh.
• Sometimes I forget that Masha had a bad year.  And then I read stuff and am reminded that, yeah, it really was shit. 
• But credit to Masha for talking about it rather honestly, even if she manages to name-drop every single sponsor she has.  No wonder she gets the big bucks.
• Non-Required Reading: Facebook is rolling out a new "Groups" function.  The whole idea of it is dumb.  This is what Friend Lists are for.  Also, if you have sooooooo many FB friends that you can't just sit down one night and trudge through the list to create different privacy groups, then you clearly don't value your privacy and have no right to complain.
• Non-Required Viewing:  I'm not really into the whole Harry Potter thing (I know, I know, shut up, I'm getting whacked from all sides from family, friends, and strangers) but Emma Watson is pretty dope in her surprising normalcy.
• Non-Required Buying: I know this is no different from the two months wherein I slept in a sleeping bag on my chair in the living room, but I wants its.

No, Really, What The Hell Is That Thing?

Nole beats Daveed in straights to successfully defends his Beijing title and collects an awesome champagne bucket and stuffed...animal (?) to add to his collection.  Surprisingly, this is only his second title of the year. But he's now 9-0 at the China Open and he clinched his spot at the London Championships this week.

I would totally watch this movie.

In a dark theater.

Wearing a trenchcoat.

(Pics: Getty)