Forty Deuce

Oh Yeah. Boys.

Sorry if I've ignored the three ATP tournaments.  But if the people who are supposed to win win, I honestly can't be bothered.  It just ain't news to me.

The top seeds, Gael, Gonzo, and Marin are all into today's quarterfinals.  Daveed (2) and Feli (3) are still in Johannesburg, Pico (2) and Belluci (3) are in Santiago, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

I mean, seriously, you guys.  I just really don't care.  The fields are just too diluted to produce anything interesting in the early rounds.  Plus all the hot boys lost early.  Wake me up when the semis arrive.

Fed Cup: I 100% Assure You There Will Be Crying.

So here we go. 

Notably absent: Uh...all of Russia, The "real" Belgians, The Williamses, The Golden Flowers, Sabine, and Gisela Dulko.  And it still cracks me up that Mono isn't on France's team.

World Group I

Serbia vs. Russia

aka "This week, on LOST..."

Saturday - Play starts at 16:00 (15:00 GMT)
Ana Ivanovic (SRB) v Svetlana Kuznetsova (RUS)
Jelena Jankovic (SRB) v Alisa Kleybanova (RUS)

Sunday - Play starts at 14:00 (13:00 GMT)
Jelena Jankovic (SRB) v Svetlana Kuznetsova (RUS)
Ana Ivanovic (SRB) v Alisa Kleybanova (RUS)
Ana Ivanovic / Jelena Jankovic (SRB) v Vera Dushevina / Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (RUS)

Ukraine vs. Italy

aka "Aw, hell no!  I did *not* leave the South Side for this!"

Saturday - Play starts at 13:30 (11:30 GMT)
Alona Bondarenko (UKR) v Francesca Schiavone (ITA)
Kateryna Bondarenko (UKR) v Flavia Pennetta (ITA)

Sunday - Play starts at 13:00 (11:00 GMT)
Alona Bondarenko (UKR) v Flavia Pennetta (ITA)
Kateryna Bondarenko (UKR) v Francesca Schiavone (ITA)
Mariya Koryttseva / Viktoria Kutuzova (UKR) v Sara Errani / Roberta Vinci (ITA)

France vs. United States

aka "Yeah, have fun, Cones..."

Saturday - Play starts at 13:30 (12:30 GMT)
Alize Cornet (FRA) v Bethanie Mattek-Sands (USA)
Pauline Parmentier (FRA) v Melanie Oudin (USA)

Sunday - Play starts at 13:00 (12:00 GMT)
Alize Cornet (FRA) v Melanie Oudin (USA)
Pauline Parmentier (FRA) v Bethanie Mattek-Sands (USA)
Stephanie Cohen-Aloro / Julie Coin (FRA) v Liezel Huber / Bethanie Mattek-Sands (USA)

Czech Republic vs. Germany

aka "The tie no one cares about because I can't find any pictures."

Saturday - Play starts at 13:00 (12:00 GMT)
Lucie Safarova (CZE) v Anna-Lena Groenefeld (GER)
Petra Kvitova (CZE) v Andrea Petkovic (GER)

Sunday - Play starts at 12:00 (11:00 GMT)
Lucie Safarova (CZE) v Andrea Petkovic (GER)
Petra Kvitova (CZE) v Anna-Lena Groenefeld (GER)
Lucie Hradecka/Kveta Peschke (CZE) v Kristina Barrois/Tatjana Malek (GER)

World Group II

Poland vs. Belgium

aka "Wait...that's not Ula..."

Marta Domachowska (POL) v Yanina Wickmayer (BEL)
Agnieszka Radwanska (POL) v Kirsten Flipkens (BEL)

Sunday - Play starts at 12:00 (11:00 GMT)
Agnieszka Radwanska (POL) v Yanina Wickmayer (BEL)
Marta Domachowska (POL) v Kirsten Flipkens (BEL)
Klaudia Jans / Alicja Rosolska (POL) v An-Sophie Mestach / Sofie Oyen (BEL)

Slovak Republic vs. China

aka "Why does Domi have to ruin everything?"

Saturday - Play starts at 14:00 (13:00 GMT)
Dominika Cibulkova (SVK) v Xinyun Han (CHN)
Daniela Hantuchova (SVK) v Shuai Zhang (CHN)

Sunday - Play starts at 13:00 (12:00 GMT)
Dominika Cibulkova (SVK) v Shuai Zhang (CHN)
Daniela Hantuchova (SVK) v Xinyun Han (CHN)
Dominika Cibulkova / Daniela Hantuchova (SVK) v Xinyun Han / Shuai Zhang (CHN)

Australia vs. Spain

aka "Huh.  You guys are in World Group II?"

Saturday - Play starts at 18:00 (07:30 GMT)
Samantha Stosur (AUS) v Maria-Jose Martinez Sanchez (ESP)
Casey Dellacqua (AUS) v Anabel Medina Garrigues (ESP)

Sunday - Play starts at 16:00 (05:30 GMT)
Samantha Stosur (AUS) v Anabel Medina Garrigues (ESP)
Casey Dellacqua (AUS) v Maria-Jose Martinez Sanchez (ESP)
Alicia Molik / Rennae Stubbs (AUS) v Nuria Llagostera Vives / Carla Suarez Navarro (ESP)

Estonia vs. Argentina

aka "Wait.  Estonia???"

Saturday - Play starts at 12:00 (10:00 GMT)
Maret Ani (EST) v Maria Irigoyen (ARG)
Kaia Kanepi (EST) v Paula Ormachea (ARG)

Sunday - Play starts at 11:00 (09:00 GMT)
Kaia Kanepi (EST) v Maria Irigoyen (ARG)
Maret Ani (EST) v Paula Ormachea (ARG)
Maret Ani / Kaia Kanepi (EST) v Mailen Auroux / Aranza Salut (ARG)

Pic This: More Ana/Nole Love

Things I Know About The Fed Cup Zonal Ties

Honestly, it ain't much.  But as a quick recap, in addition to the World Group ties which take place this weekend, loads of teams from around the world are competing in a Round Robin format to get a chance to gain promotion to the World Group.  Basically, the teams that finish at the top of these zonal ties (by advancing out of the Round Robin play and winning their playoffs this weekend) will get a chance to gain promotion if they can beat the teams who lose their World Group II ties this weekend.

Totally simple, right? So with that in mind, here's what I can figure out:

• Boots' Danes look out of it.  They've already dropped two of their three RR ties.
• A Vika-less Belarussian team is still in the hunt (I think...) but they're up against Great Britain today, who are also 1-1 and need to win to have a chance at the playoffs.
• A Burrito'd Portugal got shellacked and probably won't be advancing.
• Teams that seem to be in the clear for this weekend's playoffs: Europe/Africa: Switzerland, Romania, Slovenia, The Netherlands, Sweden, Hungary, and Austria.  Americas: Canada, Brazil, Colombia, Paraguay.  Asia: Japan, Korea, Thailand.

Yeah, that's all I got.  Seriously, the Fed Cup site doesn't make it easy to figure out where everyone stands.

Pic This: Point, C Note.

Ok. He's Cute When He Doesn't Look Homeless

Mashasha decide to bear the brunt of the cold LA winter to grab a bite of breakfast.

 

"It's the most important meal of the day, asshole!!!"

Given Sasha's haircut and Charlie's dick of a dad being, well, a dick to Conan during the Late Night fiasco, I'm 100% on the Mashasha train.

She seems relaxed and happy.  A Maria Sharapova smile is rarer than an Ana Ivanovic win, these days.

I hope none of their crazy sexitimes is putting undue stress on her shoulder. 

And *that's* what you call "tennis analysis".

"Where Seldom Is Heard A Discouraging Word, And The Skies Are Not Cloudy All Day."

Sodapop posted these pics and accompanying article like, a week ago, but given the AO I've only come around to posting them now.  Sorry.

Marat's house pretty much looks exactly like how I had pictured it in my dreams, but with 100% fewer bear skin rugs and whores.  He tidied up, is what I'm saying.

I mean, really.  Are any of us shocked the guy has a telescope in his apartment that's *not* pointed to the sky?

A big-ass book of titties?

And a chill living room where he can think...

Dole out truth bombs...

 

And chill.  We should all be so lucky. 

Translation of the article accompanying these gems, after the jump.  Believe me, it's worth reading if for no other reason than to learn that Marat don't give a *damn* about cufflinks.

And be sure to check out Sodapop's (uh...Lexi, if you listen to the podcasts) blog for all things Russian pop culture related.  I don't understand half the shit that's going on but it's entertaining as hell.  And educational.  Not educational as hell.  That wouldn't make sense.  I mean...well...no, actually you probably would get a pretty fantastic education in hell now that I think about it.  So yeah, educational as hell. 

Don't you love it when I get all stream of conscious-y?

Pic This: He's Just Admiring Her Tan

Don't worry kid, no one can blame you.

What's up with the boobs?  Those are new.

Air Quotes: Absolutely, JJ. Let's Not Make A Fuss. Does She Know What "Make A Fuss" Means?

- “I slept from Miami to Zurich and was then awaken by hard turbulence. Everyone was frightened. I don’t fear flying on a plane, but I must admit this one was a real scare. Luckily it all ended well. I just hope there is no jet lag effect on me. I respect the Russian team but I believe in my own strengths and that’s what is most important for me now,” said Jankovic.

JJ then reflected on the nature of her injury.

- “I didn’t want to make a fuss out of it. I used a painkiller cream during some matches at the Australian Open. The injury is not at all naive, but I think I will recover soon. I am still not fully fit, but I’m playing no matter what, and I hope it’s enough for us to beat Russia,” said Jelena.

ZOMG, YOU GUYS!?!  SHE ALMOST *DIED* ON THE WAY OVER!

What a patriot.  I salute, you, you death defying Serbian princess.

Douche Stamp

Did you *really* think I wasn't going to?

Hey look!  Fed has a stamp. I'm just disappointed it's not the "RF" logo.  

Anyway, have fun [gag]...licking him.

Brodie Porn!

Totally adorable fan video for Pico, made by someone who is not Brodie, though I can't confirm that last part.

Pic This: Photobomb!

(thanks to @ishneak for tweeting)

Pic This:...And The Old Ones...

Something tells me Pavs' outfit is pretty amazing. I'm just guessing.

Pic This: The New Hookers On The Bloc...

Aleksandra Krunic makes me crazy happy. 

Pic This: Has He Been Hanging Out With Ivo?

Pic This: MELTY!!!

I never get sick of seeing these two goofballs together.

(pic from Tennis Forum)

"You Cannot Have-a Da Mango!"

Only a few hours after tweeting this pic (um...it's a mango sign...she says), Vika was forced to retire at 0-2 in the third in her rubber against Austria, citing a sore throat.  But Miguel Seabra (the commentator for Eurosport Portugal, apparently) tweeted that she was woozy, looked like she was going to faint on court, and speculated the weather change from Australia to Portugal might have something to do with it. 

Is Vika the Nole of the WTA?  The fiery kid with loads of talent who keeps falling ill or suffering from fitness issues at the most inopportune times?  It's so curious.  She seems fit and has a trainer traveling with her. 

The injury helps team Britain though, as they're set to face Belarus tomorrow.

Pic This: I Guess Sveta Read JJ's Blog Post, Too

"She know I'm here, right?"

"She does?"

This is in the dictionary next to "LOLZ."

Pic This: I'm Sure In Some Cultures, This Means They're Married.

Their dads were even there. 

Come On! [/GOB]

Pic This: But Where's The Funky Bunch?

Do the kids even get the reference?

(Thanks to Down The Line for the pic)

"When I Am Quiet, I Feel Better."

Oh yeah, you still play tennis. Oh how I miss you.

Is it just me or did his English really get good? He makes me melty either way.

ZOMG, Is It June Yet?

Gael gets a sneak peek at the "Ring of Fire" soccer stadium in Soweto. I'll be honest, I thought his footie skills would be better.

Well Played, Tarpi.

On the heels of JJ announcing that she may not be fit for Fed Cup, Tarpi announces that Sveta's in for Russia. 

Augh.

Man Hands and Specs Do Belgrade

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Too fucking cute. And as DonkeyGrooming points out, Ana's hands are bigger than Nole's.

Sigh. I Wish You Talked To Andy.

Nice piece on the big man. I still forget sometimes that he's a Slam champion. I also forget that he's 20 YEARS OLD.

And The Drama Don't Stop.

According to JJ's blog, she's in Florida getting treatment for a back injury she sustained in Australia, which she blames on her new service motion.  She said she'll reevaluate in 24 hours but it's uncertain whether she'll be fit for Fed Cup.

And then she gets crazy defensive about it.

Here's the link to her Google translated blog posting.  It hasn't been translated to her English site yet.

"You Say Yes, I Say No, You Say Stop, I Say Go Go Go..."

Perhaps the most shocking thing about the new WTA rankings is that Lena is now #7 (dropping from #5), only one spot ahead of JJ.  Also surprising: despite their relatively deep runs into the tournament, Franny and Nads make no movement.  And welcome your new world #3, Caroline Wozniacki.

Compare to the women, there is a rather huge shakeup in the rankings for the guys.  Rafa falls out of the top 2 for the first time since 2005, Nole reaches his highest ranking to date at #2, and Muzz moves up to #3.  Marin jumps 4 spots to crack the top 10, and Fer drops out of the top 10 to #12.  And in news that kinda blows my mind, welcome to the top 25, Halpert.