The Italian Job

Anatomy of a heist:

First you need an idea man.  The one who's courage, imagination and ability to think outside of the box and problem solve inspires a team of rag tag disorganized misfits.  That idea man, or woman, was a person we'll just call...Tracy (alias used to protect identity).  Tracy was heartbroken on Thursday night after watching Dina give up a 4-2 lead in the third to lose to Jay-Z.  In her despondency she wandered aimlessly around the Home Depot Center until she something caught her eye:

Someone was keeping Dinara hostage at the Home Depot Center, tying her up with plastic ties and strangling her with mylar balloons!!! 

Well like any proper criminal with a heart of gold, Tracy could not let this injustice stand.  But she knew she couldn't liberate Dinara on her own.  She would need help.  And thus she recruited another criminal with a heart of gold, with whom she had worked with previously in a number of smuggling and breaking and entering ventures.

And thus the plan was put in motion.  Tracy knew that the operation needed the cover of night, so Sunday's final session was out of the question.  There was no way we could sneak that thing out in broad daylight.  It had to be Saturday night.

After the end of the night session, we casually meandered over to the site.  We chatted about everything and nothing, waiting for the stadium to clear out and for security to go home.  Shockingly, NO ONE stopped us.  No one told us to clear the stadium or asked us why the hell we were hanging out in the middle of nowhere for AN HOUR after play was over.  The problem was that under the tent was the bar.  And the bartenders were taking FOREVER to clear up and go home. 

We tried to wait them out.  But before we went for our true target, we decided to test the waters (also I got bored and decided I needed something to do).  So we walked about 10 feet from Dina to the tournament booth, where a "It Must Be Love" banner with Dinara was hanging by velcro off one of the tables.  We had seen the booth workers call it a night so no one was coming back.  So after a somewhat noisy velcro pull, we secured the banner.

Well that was fun, but the stupid bartenders were still there.  But for the most part the coast was clear.  We had seen the security guards go home and other than us and the bartenders there was no one else around.  And thus it began:

It took about 15 minutes but Tracy hopped up, burned through the plastic tie and ribbon (no idea how she didn't burn herself or Dina), gave Dina a good yank, and off we were.

So with no one in the stadium we thought we were in the clear.  But we hit a snag.  We had been in the stadium for so long that the entrance gates were locked.  I swear to God I thought we were going to have to pull a Saved By The Bell and sleep there for the night.  Knowing that there *had* to be another way out we realized we had to ditch the contraband. 

So we gave Dina a reassurring pat on the head and threw her over a fence.  You do what you have to do for freedom, people.

Eventually we were able to find some security guards, who, for whatever reason, didn't even ask us what we were still doing inside the stadium, and they let us out through the player entrance.  We ran over to the fence, and there, staring up at the stars that signaled her liberation, was Dina, lying face up in the grass.

For serious, you guys, it is huge.

At this point I'm sure it doesn't shock you to learn that we walked past a bunch of security people with Dina under the arm and no one blinked twice.  We had been prepared to say that we won her in a raffle.  God bless Rent-a-Cops. 

And so Dina was freed.  She spent the rest of the week recuperating at a safehouse:

 

Unfortunately, such a torturous capture and dramatic rescue have left ill-effects.  Dinara struggled to beat Roberta Vinci today, eventually taking it in three sets.  But I'm sure she's happy to be reunited with family and friends and that the normally gross air of Cincinnati smells particularly sweet this week.